Communication Issues !!! Help!

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farmguy
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Communication Issues !!! Help!

Post by farmguy » Fri Jul 08, 2011 2:51 pm

I am in a relationship with a man in early sobriety (I am a man too) maybe I just lost a few of you out there!

I like his sponsor and I am grateful that she is able to help provide him with the support he needs. Increasingly though, I am beginning to feel like that rather than discuss issues with me that need discussing he is discussing them with her. I do not mind the fact that he discusses these things with her, and if he needs to do so even before he discusses them with me. But when there is no discussion between us afterwards I am bothered by this.

I am in Alanon, so I understand that some of my need arises from my caretaking ways and people pleasing. What bothers me is when the issue at hand makes him angry and distant, or causes him to attack me or withdraw. In these cases I feel I should know what is happening, as it makes it extremely difficult to be supportive without knowing what is going on. It feels like a hard way to live. Even after the fact, it feels like I am just bracing myself for the next rollercoaster ride.

For my part I do pray and work my program, talk ot my sponsor and communicate with him. Increasingly though as he goes through his distance cycle (we also have the few weeks of bliss afterwards) I feel like I am being taken for granted.

In Alanon they say we did not cause, can't cure it, can't control it ... but we have choices. I really love this man and we have a beautiful future together, how do I get through the peaks and valleys? I have learned to relax more, react less, and not to take things as seriously which has helped me but not really changed much between us. I value open communication in a relationship and if there is not to be that I am not sure what to do next. I fear anything I say will be viewed as a threat, and I sincerely do not want to end things and would do my part to work things out, but I can not do it alone.

I am painfully aware that his sponsor is not a marriage counsellor, but he seems to be utilizing her as such. Not being involved in the discussions and her not knowing the whole picture or being neutral troubles me. I trust him to be accurate and true in what he says to her, but this is only from his side of things. How can she offer insights and advice (which she does) not understanding the whole picture?

I also do not want to be viewed as the unsupportive partner by bringing any of this up. I truely am grateful my partner is sober and goes to meetings and encourage him to go to meetings when he needs one. I am just starting to feel like there are three of us in this relationship and like I am the odd one out ...

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PaigeB
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Re: Communication Issues !!! Help!

Post by PaigeB » Fri Jul 08, 2011 4:05 pm

Hi farmguy, I'm Paige and an alcoholic. I also talk too much! I make my husband crazy sometimes, but he is a very patient guy! I have reeled myself in a bit since I got sober. AND most of the things that he does to "make" me angry or whatever are usually ALL IN MY HEAD! My sponsor tells me to deal with myself and not make it his business when I am upset over some trivial things. Now, there have been times when he and I NEEDED to talk, but for a lot of them I talk to my sponsor and work on myself - cause that is the part that gets me upset, something in my self. AND the only thing about this life I can change is me!

I hope that you continue to work on yourself (and get a sponsor in alanon) and I hope that he does too. I know that I have trouble remembering that if I have a problem with something it originates in me and my attitudes. I hope for you a long ABC list of gratitudes!

Peace!
Step 6 is "AA's way of stating, the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job... with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement." 12&12 Step Six, p.65

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avaneesh912
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Re: Communication Issues !!! Help!

Post by avaneesh912 » Fri Jul 08, 2011 4:21 pm

How long is your partner sober? Has he started working the 12 steps of AA? Or is he just going to meetings and relying on people for support?
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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Duke
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Re: Communication Issues !!! Help!

Post by Duke » Fri Jul 08, 2011 5:00 pm

I had multiple issues with my wife when I came to the program. My turning to something other than her was a big threat to her. We got counseling, she went to alanon, but mostly we both learned to keep our side of the street clean, let each other work through our own issues at our own speed, and generally, to quit pushing each other to act right no matter how good our intentions. Faith, steady progress and time seem to have resolved most of our unsolvable issues. Fact is, I can't even remember what most of them were. They sure seemed important at the time.

My best to you. Keep trudging.
"If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.", Mother Teresa

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avaneesh912
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Re: Communication Issues !!! Help!

Post by avaneesh912 » Fri Jul 08, 2011 6:57 pm

I hear in the early days of Alanon, members followed the 12 steps of AA however, just like how hard drunks are diluting the message of AA, probably the fellowship of Alanon as also turned into a group therapy kind of gig. Find a sponsor in Alanon who would walk you through the 12 steps so you could have a spiritual awakening so you could be placed in a position of neutrality.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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