My mother is a mess. Please help me with some advice.

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My mother is a mess. Please help me with some advice.

Post by Elle »

Hello eveyone,

I don't really know where to start. I guess from the beginning is best. When I was in my early teenage years, my mother and stepdad moved to a different country. A couple of years later they brought me with them. My mum had my stepbrother shortly after. When my brother was about 4, my stepdad left us, leavng my mum jobless in a foreign country with two kids. He started sending money regularly to maintain us. My mother became very depressed and started drinking. I think the drinking might have began even before my stepdad left. Around the same time, we found out that my brother had a mental disability, it is severe and he will never be able to lead an independant life. I believe all this made things a lot worse with regards to my mothers depression and drinking. It was taking its toll on our relationship, and we started having a lot of arguments. She started going out to the clubs until eary hours the next morning with her friends and leaving me with my brother almost evey night. I had to do all the housework too, and nothing was ever good enough for her. This is just the short story of years of emotional abuse. She would come back drunk and the worst part was the fact that she drove in that state. Eventually she got caught by the police and her license was taken away from her. I was secretly happy, because it meant she wouldnt be driving drunk any longer. The only thing that kept me sane throughout those years was knowing that I will be moving away from home and going to college very soon. A few years went by and evey time I came home to visit things seemed to be worse than the time before. My mother re-married again, but her husband didn't do anything to help, he just stood by and ignored it (in front of me anyway). After she go married, she stopped going out completely. I had to move back in (due to personal circumstances) with her for a year about a year ago. It was the worst 12 months of my life. My mother got up, got drunk, went to sleep all day, got up in the evening and got drunk again. The whole situation obvously caused constant fights with her husband. My brother is looked after by a nanny, I know that my mother hired her just so she can do nothing but get drunk. I know my mother loves me and my brother very much. I love her too. But sometimes I hate her, I've never been able to say I love you to her. She only ever says she loves me when she's drunk.

To make matters that little bit worse, her husband left her the other day, and now things have really gone bad. He paid for her rent. She doesnt work and doesnt want to work. She claims that she is physically not capable of doing so. I now live in a different country, happily married. But my mother is all I can think about. I can't sleep at night. I am so worried and I feel helpless. I feel so guilty for leaving them and not doing something to help her. But I dont know what I can do. Everytime I try to talk to her about the problems she shouts and makes me cry. She makes me feel like I don't care. I don't have the rest of my family to help me, they are all back in my home country. I think my mother should probably go back there too, but she won't. My grandmother has no idea, and my mother manipulates her into thinking that I am not doing what I should be doing to help. I feel like I should try to support her financially, but I can't as I am currently job hunting. At the same time I don't want to be throwing money at her, I want her to do something for herself. She never leaves the house. The nanny does all the shopping (including the alcohol my mother asks her to buy). I don't know what to do. I want to tell my grandmother everything, but I don't want her to worry as she won't be able to help anyway. I feel like all this has really affected me. I don't feel like the same person after the year that I spent living back with my mother let alone all the years this has been going on. I think it all started about 11 years ago now. I am trying to get back to the "normal" me, but find it hard. I dont want it to affect my relationship with my husband. I'm going to visit her for a few days soon. I feel like a terrible person, but I am dreading it, I should be happy to see my family. I have stopped missing her, I feel like heartless. She used to be my best friend. I am very worried about my brother too. I will be the one who has to take care of him if she dies, and if she continues this way it will be soon and I am not ready for either. She wont go to see the doctor, she wont get help, she wont leave the house. I really want to tell her how I feel but can't seem to get the right words out, she just gets angry.

Thank you for reading this rather long post.


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Re: My mother is a mess. Please help me with some advice.

Post by avaneesh912 »

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. There is very little we could do for an alcoholic who is in firm grip of king Alcohol. Perhaps you could call the local AA hot-line and see if someone would make a 12 step call on your mom. But un-less she is willing to get well nothing could be done. And you probably need to try Al-anon, so you could better understand the powerlessness and go spiritually fit to handle your condition.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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Re: My mother is a mess. Please help me with some advice.

Post by ann2 »

Dear Elle, I'm so glad you posted here. I think you are very smart to reach out if you plan to visit. It sounds like a very damaging and destructive situation for all concerned. I agree with Nari, that there is very little that can be done short of sending her to a treatment center against her will. I think it would be quite alright for you to confide in your grandmother, but as your mother has led her to believe that you cannot be trusted, I worry about the sadness this attempt to share the burden will bring to you.

Just so you know, I believe you.

The absolute best thing you can do is call Al-Anon and ask for help. It would be ideal if you could reach Al-Anon in the area where your mother lives, and find an Al-Anon member who is willing to accompany you to her house and be there with you as support and an experienced, knowledgeable observer.

You can do some research on your situation by going to the Al-Anon web site and also by reaching Al-Anon where you live to make a first visit to an Al-Anon meeting and pick up some literature that will help you identify and deal with the visit you plan. I urge you to be patient and go with an open mind. The disease of alcoholism is a family disease and even those who do not drink are affected. You say that you are trying to get back to the normal you -- Al-Anon members believe that is possible through the same recovery method that alcoholics use. But they also offer practical support and your upcoming visit merits some immediate attention.

I share your concern about your mother passing and the care of your step-brother threatened, but it seems that for a long time she has not really been capable of handling this responsibility, so perhaps it's time to consider other options for your stepbrother. Your taking over the care may not be the best thing for him after all, please be open to other suggestions if this issue arises.

It sounds like once again you are being put in the position of being the grown-up. The best thing about that right now is that you ARE grown up, at least. I am sure you have a lot of unhappiness stemming from your childhood experiences, and it is this kind of problem that the program of Al-Anon wants to help you with. Just remember that those issues CAN be addressed to your satisfaction while you need to go through this crisis time.

Please keep posting and sharing -- you have our prayers,

"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

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Marc L
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Re: My mother is a mess. Please help me with some advice.

Post by Marc L »

Hello Elle;
I am Lui and I am Alcoholic.
If your Mom has a problem with Alcohol, AA has a solution.
Try to find a way to get her into Face-To-Face Contact with some alcoholics.
Get her to a meeting or bring a meeting to her.

Last edited by Marc L on Mon Jul 04, 2011 12:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Recovery won't just happen by Osmosis. You gonna' have to work at it some.
12th Step work ain't just a job... It's an Adventure.

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Re: My mother is a mess. Please help me with some advice.

Post by Lali »

Hi, Elle. I know that it's terrible to feel responsible for another's happiness. I went through that with my own mother. I truly believe Al-Anon can help you. Please give them a call.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

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Re: My mother is a mess. Please help me with some advice.

Post by PaigeB »

I had a 12 Step call done on my daughter. She went to meeting for a couple of months! She knows where the solution is... who knows when it will take hold.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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Re: My mother is a mess. Please help me with some advice.

Post by Steven F »

That is all we can do, Paige. We all know the despair an active alcoholic lives in. We also all know there is a way out, and that we had to open that door ourselves. All we can do, as recovered alcoholics, is to show that there is indeed a door, and to be there when the other one grabs the doorknob...

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Re: My mother is a mess. Please help me with some advice.

Post by Blue Moon »

You've been given some good advice here. I can only add 2 things. 1. You might need to accept she may never get well. 2. It is definitely not your fault.
Ian S
AKA Blue Moon

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