I need some advice....

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luckylass
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I need some advice....

Post by luckylass » Wed Jun 29, 2011 6:27 am

I am new to this site so I look forward to hearing from you

My sister is coming out of 3 mths of rehab for drink this weekend, and the first time I will see her will be our neices christening. I got married over 6 months ago and to be honest she made my life hell. Wont go into too much detail but it was awful, she cancelled going to the wedding, phyisically abusive to me and then was very drunk on my wedding day. She really did try to ruin my day and everything that was connected to it.

As i said she has been in rehab, I havnt spoken to her since she went in, everyone in my family went to see her but I am really so upset and hurt and probably angry with her that no matter how much I wanted to see her, I just couldnt. She hasnt made any effort to make contact either (I know she is doing her own thing and using all the strength to get through it)

I guess my question is, how do i react with her, I dont feel like I should welcome her with welcome arms but at the same time she is still my sister and I am proud of what she has done. I am def torn.

Any advice would be great, as I will have to see her on Sunday and I am so nervous and anxious...plus losing alot of sleep over this

Thanks

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avaneesh912
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Re: I need some advice....

Post by avaneesh912 » Wed Jun 29, 2011 6:48 am

Show her love and tolerance. But don't hide booze, if she is not done yet, she is going to drink. Suggest she finds a sponsor and start working the steps. See if any of her friends are in AA and have them approach her. There is a chapter 'To the wives' in the book called Alcoholics Anonymous, (i know this is your sister) but, you could use some of the advice entailed in that chapter. You may also try out our sister fellowship Al-Anon.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

Steven F
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Re: I need some advice....

Post by Steven F » Wed Jun 29, 2011 9:04 am

I think our friends at Al-Anon will be much better equipped to answer you. Like AA, they too have meetings, and they probably have one close by. AA and Al-Anon are however not connected. We just know it exists, and we see that it is a lot of help to those who have to deal with us alcoholics. Please don't hesitate to visit a group. The official Al-Anon website is here: http://www.al-anon.org/ and there is also a website where you can get online help: http://www.ola-is.org/

Please do yourself a very big favour and seek these people out. You will be able to find someone there to talk to in more detail, and you will gain a perspective that will be certainly worth hearing.

I tried to write an answer to your question, but I re-read it a few times and it is grossly inadequate, written by an alcoholic who can only try to fully understand the other side. I mean, I have a pretty good idea, but not a complete feel for your problem. That is also why I really advise you to seek out Al-Anon, through e-mail, chat or face-to-face contact. They will know exactly what you mean and how you feel. Simply because they all have been in the position you find yourself in.

Layne
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Re: I need some advice....

Post by Layne » Wed Jun 29, 2011 9:05 am

As i said she has been in rehab, I havnt spoken to her since she went in, everyone in my family went to see her but I am really so upset and hurt and probably angry with her that no matter how much I wanted to see her, I just couldnt. She hasnt made any effort to make contact either
She probably feels exactly the same way, just from the other side. Her sister hasn't spoken to her since she went into rehab. Everyone in the family came to see her in rehab except her sister.She knows that she behaved poorly and hurt her sister but she just hasn't summed up the courage to approach her yet, no matter how much she wants to. Her sister hasn't made any effort to contact her either.

On Sunday just go with your heart and let nature take it's course. In the meantime, don't lose any sleep over it because there is no point in both of you losing sleep.

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ann2
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Re: I need some advice....

Post by ann2 » Wed Jun 29, 2011 10:26 am

I'll give you the perspective of someone who was in your sister's shoes, and from the other side as well. No phoniness, don't make any special effort, give it time. And don't put her welfare/feelings/issues above the reason for the gathering, which is your niece's christening. I've known of alcoholics who are not ready yet to be part of a family in their first year of sobriety, and I've known some who were just so grateful to be sober and just so scared they would find hate and rejection. So if she's there and she's able to avoid becoming the centerpiece of the event, I bet she'll consider it a huge victory and so should you.

So basically, don't make this about you or her. If you manage to talk to her, do express your pride but don't make it something she has to respond to. Also, I personally would make a bit of a white lie at this point about the havoc she wreaked at your wedding. If she brings it up, I would say something like, "Oh, hmmm, I don't remember, was there some trouble?" or if heh heh that would sound too unbelievable, in proportion to the trouble she managed to cause, I would say, "Well, you know, I really forgot all about it on the honeymoon, you know hubby and I had such a wonderful time . . ." and just kind of get the subject off the wedding.

And if you can't do that, then don't talk to her, because honestly, is it really necessary to dwell in the past? To lay blame? She will, if her recovery progresses as I'm sure you hope it will, eventually come to you with an attempt to make amends for that experience, or for something else. If you judge that she is serious about this effort, then take the opportunity to tell her how disappointed her behavior made you. She should know that. And you should get the chance to tell her, face to face. But perhaps now is not the time.

She is convalescing from a really horrible illness and for most of us it takes years to address all the underlying causes as well as the results of our active alcoholism. Let her lead the way in the matter of how much she is ready to be honest about. And please, for your own peace, pray for her and find some way to work through your resentment for what happened at your wedding. I know that weddings are important times and we all want ours to go perfectly, but think how lucky you are to be married, and to have had a wedding, no matter how many things might have gone wrong with yours.

Let me know if you want to talk further about this -- I hope I can help.

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

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