Page 1 of 2

I need your help I am KB sister

PostPosted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 10:44 pm
by KB
I am KB sister Diane I brought Ken to this site so he could get help. I taught him how to use the computer to do that. I also was his sponser which I did not want to be. Now I am in trouble emontionally due to Ken relapsing and back in jail. So I am going to vent with hopes someone can help me understand what my family wants from me now.

. Since I was little I always took care of my siblings . If I didn’t they would have been in foster care and we would all be split up. I watched all of them become alcoholics. In and out of jail, almost dead from alcohol poisoning and a life that was sad. I have always been the enabler. I always felt if they knew they were loved they would stop drinking, if I tried hard enough to make things right for them and got them the help they needed financially , medically,or write to judges whatever I could it would all get better.
Kenny was always my lost one, he was a bad ass and I knew under that he was a loving caring person. I had to make him see he was loved and he was worth something to someone. He trusted no one I had to prove I could be trusted. My family of course has been very involved in my attempts to save them all.

Everytime, they failed at staying sober I would get so sick and depressed because I always felt I failed them. I gave chance after chance and my family watched me fall apart. But the martyr I am kept going back for more.

I became disabled five years ago and started trying to keep myself going and doing everything I could to. move around so I didn’t become crippled. So my life was fighting for my life. Then I got a call that Kenny was arrested I let him sit in jail for awhile and gave it some thought. I finally bailed him out because I knew he would not run if I bailed him out. He needed medical attention he was pretty sick. Kenny promised not to drink if he could live with us. I did everything for him and he kept busy around the house painting and maintaining the yard. So it was great. I finally had his medical taken care of and he was doing so well. I helped him learn how to do meeting on line. I wrote to the judge and probation officer to get his sentenced reduced and his fines. My family provided all the things he needed. Food clothes etc. .Before that call no one called me unless they needed something and I would always say they don’t want me to see them this way. They would tell me they didn’t care about anyone but themselves
Ken became homeless and I almost had a breakdown my family let him come back with the understanding that he would not drink again in our home. It went well for awhile then he started slipping. I was covering it and he would promise it wouldn’t happen again. I was being drained because every time he would go for a ride on his bike I knew what I was going to face or have my family go through. I had planned a trip to see my son and he is in CT. Kenny got alcohol poisoning again and was almost dead. He was in the hospital and then once stable he signed himself out of the hospital took a cab here and I took care of him. Well he stayed sober for two weeks three days before I was going on my trip he went off. Stopped going to his probation meeting. I almost didn’t go on my trip and my family was furious. I went on my trip and my husband told Kenny you will no longer live here. He let him know he understood his sickness but he was not going to allow his sickness to become mine again. I came back early and spoke to Kenny and I had to tell him, I could not take him back he needed to find a place to live, a shelter, rehab or something that I was done. I loved him and would help him when he started sobering up and helped himself. Well his probation officer violated and he is now in jail. They found him under a tree drunk in 105 degree weather. So the person that called the police thinking he was dead he hates them. They saved his life by making the call.

I have so many mixed feelings, part of me is happy he is in jail and safe but at 52 and all his medical problems, he is not the tough guy he used to be. Once he became sober and the collect calls are coming and I am tired of my family paying the price when I get sick over Kenny being drunk. His sickness is making all of us sick. My family cannot understand that I want to be in court for him and I want to still help him. He has to know that I am hear he has no one else. I am going to write to the judge to see if they will put him in rehab. I know he can’t live here. I don’t think I want to go through all that again. I have to set limits and boundaries but I don’t know how. My family does not want me to go to court they say I have done enough and he knows I care I don’t have to put myself through court and try to walk a distance that will put me in a lot of pain. But, what do I do.? I can’t turn my feelings on and off. Am I sicker than him? My family wants me to talk to someone. I made an appointment to see someone but is wrong with me loving my brother, wanting to be there for him. I need some help with these answers. I can not believe he does not care about anyone but himself. I love my siblings. I am not an alcoholic my husband has been sober 30 years.

Any help is greatly appreciated I am hanging myself with my family. My husband and never argue and here we are doing over someone else. And I am the cause of it not Kenny,

Re: I need your help I am KB sister

PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 1:11 am
by tasman
Hi there
I know Ken a little from reading his posts on here. I am still pretty new to sobriety and there are many more here that will be in a better position to advise.
Have you ever been to Al-Anon? There are online Al-Anon groups as well. There are people there that will have been in similar situations that can help. I strongly recommend going to one of their meetings.
You have not failed your family. It sounds like you have done the best that you can. You need to look after you.

Re: I need your help I am KB sister

PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 5:10 am
by avaneesh912
We are all sorry that KB relapsed. I think you did your best. I always share this with fellow beings. The willingness should come within. Until then no one can help the alcoholics. I hope this stint at the Jail will force him to re-think the need for a true higher power. Not just talk/write but actual experience of a higher power. Like Karie pointed out, probably the family members if they are not alcoholics, may find solace in Al-anon.

Good Luck.

Re: I need your help I am KB sister

PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 7:52 am
by Karl R

that's a cyber case you've never seen one before.

My name is Karl and I'm an alcoholic. Your brother is one of us. We are powerless over alcohol. When I came to this program of alcoholics anonymous a little over a year ago I was unable to quit when I wanted to and when I started each day I had no control over the quantity I drank. It wasn't that I didn't know that I needed to quit and it wasn't that I didn't have some desire to do so.....It was simply a fact that I was powerless to quit drinking. My dilemma was that I did not have that power within myself. No amount of "self" power and no other human power was able to provide the necessary power for me to quit drinking.

Now that's a dilemma!

The power to get and stay sober had to come, not from within myself or from my family, friends, or coworkers; It had to come from a higher power. And the desire to find that power in my life to get and stay sober had to come from within myself. Once I understood that, I was able to pick up the twelve step program of alcoholics anonymous to reconnect with a power which helps me everyday to stay sober. I do the legwork and he provides the power to stay spiritually healthy and sober.

That all being said, my heart goes out to you Diane. You have done great service for your brother for a very long time. My daughter is a member of alanon. I have attended a few open meetings with her and have heard them speak of a concept called "lovingly distance" yourself from your drinking alcoholic family member. By that I think they mean several things. They mean that taking care of yourself and other family members comes first. Your own physical, mental, and emotional health has to come first. And the strange thing is.....often by lovingly distancing yourself from the drinking alcoholic miracles happen. When my wife practiced this "loving distancing" on me over a year ago I was motivated to seek the 12 step solution toward sobriety that alcoholics anonymous offered. Again,that motivation came from within myself-but the distancing was the "push" that I needed.

Like Kerie(tasman) and avaneesh above, I would suggest that you would benefit from the alanon fellowship. They have much to offer in terms of fellowship, and a program for living a life which transcends the problems associated with a drinking alcoholic family member. Please feel free to PM me or e-mail me if you would like help in getting hooked up with the alanon fellowship in your own local area. In addition, feel free to Private message me or e-mail me if you would like my phone number and e-mail address to pass along to Ken when he gets out of jail. When I showed up here it was the conversation with sober alcoholics which demonstrated to me that sobriety through connection with a higher power by the working of the twelve steps of alcoholics anonymous was indeed a possiblity. I would be happy to share my experience, strength, and hope regarding this matter with Ken should he choose to make the call or write the e-mail.

In closing Diane please consider taking care of yourself and your family; please consider the alanon fellowship as an option; and feel free to drop me a Private message or e-mail should you need further information.

best wishes today,

Re: I need your help I am KB sister

PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 11:04 am
by KB
Thank you all for responding. I did not go to court today but I am sad, I respected my husbands wishes to not put myself in the lne of fire where I lose it. I made an appointment to go talk to someone the end of this month. Then I am going to seek alon. I went years ago but I refused to listen to them. I felt like they hated the alcholic. Ken needs to believe in a higher power I am nor sure he does. I have brought this subject up everyday and I live a Christian life style so I show him by example.

I remember when my husband drank and I made him leave he got help and found his higher power and never drank again. I told him one time you drink I am gone for good. I never said it again. I am all Ken has and he is such a good person when he does not drink. He makes me laugh and he is a jokers around me. He does not like to share his personal information with anyone that is why he says he wouldn't go to meetings. He never told me he wanted rehab. Now he wants it, I have to wonder is it because he is going to prison or because he truley want help? I am not sure. I taught Ken had to respond on this site and he never touched a computer before . I know he was getting into letting some of himself go. I was so proud of the progress he made. Thanks for being :) here for me as well. I know I should be on the Alon site but right now this is where I felt I belonged. Diane

Re: I need your help I am KB sister

PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 3:45 pm
by Joe H
God Bless you, Diane, you are a beautiful person.

You have done your best and have been willing to go to any length, sadly, Ken has not.

This is a family disease. The alcoholic rationalizes, justifies and denies, over time the family does the same.

Ken has wanted "HIS" program and it has not worked. Hopefully he will now be ready to accept that he does not have the answers and will accept AA's program.

We caution our members that we can only carry the message, not the alcoholic. When we carry the alcoholic we become an option that prevents them from hitting their bottom.

I will pray for you and Ken...and your family.

I love ya both.

Tell Ken he is still welcome here and at a local AA meeting there is a chair waiting for him.

Take care of yourself, Diane...and let AA take care of Ken.



Re: I need your help I am KB sister

PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 6:26 pm
by LetgoJoe
have to set limits and boundaries but I don’t know how.

Hi Diane, I am Joe and I am an alcoholic. I have a brother and have experienced some similar experience with him. You have done your loving best dear. Like others have mentioned here the sickness affects everyone close to the alcohlic that still suffers. Please take care of yourself and your family - your children. Please call al-anon. It seems that you have set bondaries, now it is a matter of finding the strength to follow through with them and they can help you with a program that will help you with that and heal that suffering you have experinced from your hardship. May God Bless you and your family. ~Joe K.

Update on KB

PostPosted: Tue Oct 20, 2009 1:17 am
by KB
I want to thank all of you who have responded to me. You all have helped me very much. Ken has been sentenced for 2 years he will go to prison. I am just waiting to see where. He seems to be fine with it. He does not want meetings and rehab so he chose prison. I ask you all to keep him in prayer. He has not hit his bottom or found his higher power. All I can do is love him and set my boundaries . I can not walk away but I am seeking help for myself to deal with all the issues that have afected me and my family from the drinking.

God Bless all of you and I thnak you all once again. Kens sister Diane

Re: I need your help I am KB sister

PostPosted: Tue Oct 20, 2009 5:12 am
by Ken_the_Geordie
Hi Diane,

Kenny is a lucky guy to have you as his sister. And it sounds like you've done all that is humanly possible to help your brother. I'll say a prayer for him too.



Re: I need your help I am KB sister

PostPosted: Tue Oct 20, 2009 6:30 am
by Karl R
Prayers for all from Oregon Diane. Keep well!


Re: I need your help I am KB sister

PostPosted: Tue Oct 20, 2009 10:57 pm
by tasman
Wishing you all the best Diane.
KB is welcome back here anytime.

Re: I need your help I am KB sister

PostPosted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 12:11 am
by KB
I hope he will come back but I don't it. My sister is going to join the group shortly. I have told her all about you guys she is ready. I just love all of you thank you again. Diane

Re: I need your help I am KB sister

PostPosted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 2:21 pm
by Karl R
Hey Diane,

Just as with you and Ken---the group will welcome your sister with open arms!


Re: I need your help I am KB sister

PostPosted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 3:46 pm
by KB
:) :) :) You are great. I already told her all about you guys and girls and I told her that Joe and you could really get her going on here. She is a wonderful person and knows the program well. This site will be wonderful for her. keri and Georgie she will enjoy talking with as well.
They just shipped Kenny out of jail now it is the waiting game on the person he will go to. They do a pysco eval :lol: he is nuts but I love him. I feel much better today and can at least know he will live awhile longer. God Bless you all

Re: I need your help I am KB sister

PostPosted: Fri Oct 23, 2009 4:24 pm
by happycamper
Hi Diane,
Ive been sorta following this thread. The pain and heartache you ( and your brother ) have been going thru all have a purpose even if it doesn't seem like it now.
Thanks for keeping us informed on whats going on with bro.
Take care of you now, maybe you can find some sort of healing. Alanon is a great program for family and friends of alcoholics.

I am AA & Alanon . Even tho there aren't many Alanon meetings for me to go to , I have all the books, a sponsor and the daily reader books are so helpful to me.