Scared of losing my kids

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Scared of losing my kids

Post by SRMW » Sun Oct 06, 2019 9:46 am

Hi folks

So a little about my self first. I am from the UK and married to an international woman. We met in the UK at a young age and were both sociable drinkers. Marriage came along and so did children and with this came responsibility on my behalf. The late night partying stopped as I believed that the children must come first.

My wife’s drinking over the years has got worse and worse to the extent that I have had nights of her vomiting all over the bed and even losing control of her toileting.

I currently live abroad in an African country where no support groups exist and when I have spoken to her I am told that she does it out of choice. I don’t know where to turn as her behaviour is also putting my children at risk, with her even drunk driving and when I travel with work my children live on cornflakes as she doesn’t even prepare them food. Thankfully I have a 16 year old who is like a mother to my youngest.

Her behaviour towards the children is a disgrace. The youngest has learning difficulties and when drunk she even abuses him, swearing at him and telling him he is stupid and useless.

All of this has brought me to a broken point, to the extent that I am now on permanent medication to deal with anxiety. I also have panic attacks when I am expecting her drunk and the abuse and it’s getting to the point where I am starting to abuse my medication to just try and close the world out as I don’t know where to deal with things as nothing seems to work to help me deal with the situation.

I suffer for my kids but there doesn’t seem to want to be any change from her so I don’t know if my only option is to walk away. Seemingly her drinking is apparently by choice and seemingly the drink is more important to her than her family.

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Re: Scared of losing my kids

Post by Jojo2 » Sun Oct 06, 2019 10:09 am

Welcome SRMW

Al-Anon Family Groups is an organisation for the relatives and friends of alcoholics, who share their experience, strength and hope with each other in order to solve their common problems.

Al-Anon Family Groups hold regular meetings where members share their own experience of living with alcoholism.
Al-Anon does not offer advice or counselling, but members give each other understanding, strength and hope.

For anyone concerned about someone else's drinking, we encourage browsing the Al-Anon website for information about their programme and support.
The following links may be helpful to you in establishing contact to see if there is support you can access.

Even having a chat over the 'phone with someone who understands may be beneficial.

There are contact telephone numbers on the site and you may email them at
Telephone: (757) 563-1600

South African General Service Office contact on 0861 25 26 66 or +27 21 595 4508

The UK site also has much helpful information

Here is one extract from the many personal experiences you will find there;

Al-Anon saved my life and my sanity. The first meeting was strange as I thought they would help me to get him to stop drinking. But I kept going back and learned I had to look at myself in all of this. So yes, things have changed for me since Al-Anon. I am not looking for the things I used to look for. I now look after myself and am calmer and more able to be aware of who I meet and how I behave.

Al-Anon Meetings: ... n-meeting/

You are free to ask questions or to talk about your situation.

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Re: Scared of losing my kids

Post by Lyalya » Wed Oct 09, 2019 4:00 pm

I know this situation hard for you, but trust me you have powers to make things better.

You need to stay strong and focus on how to make it better staring with yourself-managing your anxiety and panic attacks( without harm to your soul and body). Decisions and solutions usually come to us when we calm and not overflown with emotions.

To fix something- we need to understand how it works. My advice to start with reading Alcoholic Anonymous book. It was published in 1939, but still stays the number one book to help alcoholics and their family members. I can see why, it’s an honest combination of experience of doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, A.A. members and their friends and families. You will find explanation of how alcoholic’s minds works, you will find a solutions for difficult situations and you will see that it’s always a hope for making your life better. I have alcoholic in my family and this book helping me a lot to understand him and support him. Advices from this book even helping with regular life ( work, people around, dealing with yourself).

I would recommend chapter 8 “TO WIVES” don’t be tricked by the name it can be applied to husbands too and to any family members. It has answers to some of your questions.

You are not alone, there are people who can help, who willing to help and share their experience. Even you have no access to actual ALAnon meetings, there is internet, there is always an option to make things better.

It works if you work it! Hope things will get better for you and for ones you love!

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