Not sure what to do.

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Amanda1933
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Not sure what to do.

Post by Amanda1933 » Fri Sep 06, 2019 12:18 pm

My husband has been drinking for our whole marriage. Never been a big problem whereas he still goes to work, is not abusive. But the last year has been bad with staying in the kitchen all night and drinking 10 beers a night. My 14 year old told me that dad has changed an I didn't know he drank beer. That's when I put my foot down and told him he needs to stop. He said he is depressed so that's why he drinks. He went to counceling and started antidepressants but still drinks every night just not as much. So now months later I realized he stopped counceling and the antidepressants. He said he forgets to take them and they are not helping.
They are not helping because he drinks while he on them. My daughter told me he should go live with his mother because he will not get better at home. He has been saying he will stop for a year now. When do I say enough is enough. I have supported him for a year and swept it under the table.thanks

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Jojo2
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Re: Not sure what to do.

Post by Jojo2 » Fri Sep 06, 2019 1:20 pm

Amanda1933 wrote:
Fri Sep 06, 2019 12:18 pm
My husband has been drinking for our whole marriage. Never been a big problem whereas he still goes to work, is not abusive. But the last year has been bad with staying in the kitchen all night and drinking 10 beers a night. My 14 year old told me that dad has changed an I didn't know he drank beer. That's when I put my foot down and told him he needs to stop. He said he is depressed so that's why he drinks. He went to counceling and started antidepressants but still drinks every night just not as much. So now months later I realized he stopped counceling and the antidepressants. He said he forgets to take them and they are not helping.
They are not helping because he drinks while he on them. My daughter told me he should go live with his mother because he will not get better at home. He has been saying he will stop for a year now. When do I say enough is enough. I have supported him for a year and swept it under the table.thanks
Welcome Amanda,

Alcoholism is a complex problem, with many related issues, but Al‑Anon can help you learn how to cope with the challenges of someone else’s drinking.

The anonymity of the alcoholic will be protected at all times.

May I suggest you contact Al-Anon.

Al-Anon Family Groups is an organisation for the relatives and friends of alcoholics, who share their experience, strength and hope with each other in order to solve their common problems.

Al-Anon has one purpose: to help the families and friends of alcoholics.

Anonymity is an important principle of the Al-Anon programme.

Al-Anon Family Groups hold regular meetings where members share their own experience of living with alcoholism.
Al-Anon does not offer advice or counselling, but members give each other understanding, strength and hope.

The following links may be helpful to you in establishing contact and finding a meeting near you.

https://al-anon.org/


There are contact telephone numbers on the site and you may email them at

wso@al-anon.org

The UK site also has much helpful information

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

Here is one extract from the many personal experiences you will find there;

Al-Anon saved my life and my sanity. The first meeting was strange as I thought they would help me to get him to stop drinking. But I kept going back and learned I had to look at myself in all of this. So yes, things have changed for me since Al-Anon. I am not looking for the things I used to look for. I now look after myself and am calmer and more able to be aware of who I meet and how I behave.

Al-Anon Meetings:
https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/fi ... n-meeting/


You are free to ask questions or to talk about your situation at your first meeting.

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Brock
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Re: Not sure what to do.

Post by Brock » Fri Sep 06, 2019 1:39 pm

Hello Amanda, welcome here, (I see Jojo has replied while I was typing, and my advise is very similar).

We get questions like this from time to time, and they are not the easiest to answer. We tell those who want to stop how we went about it, but the problem is the person must really want to stop, and have tried to do so on their own, only when faced with the fact that they just can’t stop, are people likely to reach out for help. You would have heard the term ‘hitting bottom,’ and unfortunately alcoholics have to get there, then say I surrender I need help.

What we most often suggest, is that those in the family who don’t drink, lean more about the problem and find help in understanding, by going to meetings of Al-Anon. Have a look here - https://al-anon.org/ If you interested just google al-anon meetings and find one in your area.

By going to this it not only helps you understand, but could well have the effect of your husband gaining an interest in AA meetings for himself, he will see you looking for help and may look for help himself. I would advise that we alcoholics often speak about our efforts at moving homes, or cities, or even countries, thinking we will be able to stop drinking there, it just doesn't work. And transferring the problem to his mothers house is just that, transferring the problem. The AA program treats the problem, the reason we drink, and I hope he will walk through the doors of an AA meeting in the not too distant future.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

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ebear
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Re: Not sure what to do.

Post by ebear » Sat Sep 07, 2019 5:31 am

Hi, Amanda.

Your situation resonates with me because I was that husband, and with two young daughters. It would be wonderful if he could turn things around and avoid many of the regrets I have. But AAs know that no one could stop us; we needed to want sobriety ourselves.

Below, I provide a link to the chapter "To Wives" from the book Alcoholics Anonymous. Bearing in mind that it was written in 1939, you might find here and there passages that appear dated in terms of husband-and-wife relationships. However, it will give you some helpful insights and, probably, many moments of recognition.

https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf

PS: My wife went to Al-Anon and found it tremendously helpful.
If you don't change direction, you'll end up where you're headed.

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