Need Advice

If you're not an alcoholic but have questions about AA, here's the place to ask them. Anyone may post messages and replies in this forum.
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dianazwirn
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Need Advice

Post by dianazwirn » Wed Apr 10, 2019 4:52 am

So I’m 23 years old, and I’ve been going through a lot right now. I recently lost my car, my job, and this guy I hooked up with for 7 years recently just passed awayfrom drugs. Him and I used to use together but I got out of it. I’ve been staying with a good friend for the past month. Shes 30 years old and has been sober for
11 years. She continues to go to AA every day and it gives her a lot of support and connections which is awesome. I’m really grateful for her but I’ve been feeling really insecure lately and have been finding myself getting upset over things she says sometimes.

Earlier we were watching a documentary about fentnyl. In the documentary it explains how to save someone if they were overdosing. I thought that was really useful information. She then proceeded to say “why not just let them die”. And I got really upset at that comment. She knows everything I’ve been going though. I told her that those people are still loved, and that they still deserve to live. She just says “survival of the fittest”. She then says “yea I just have a sick sense of humor”. Coming from someone that was hospitalized for overdosing at 19, and continues to go to AA for 11 years. I don’t know why she would say that. I then asked her “Aren’t you an addict? Why would you say that? Do you just go everyday for friends and a sticker say “good job” every time you show up? Does that make you feel superior?” She then go very anger and told me I should drop it because I’m really offending her. Can somebody tell me why somebody that seems so nice and caring and helpful would say something like that?

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Brock
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Re: Need Advice

Post by Brock » Wed Apr 10, 2019 7:19 am

This is not the sort of question we usually get here, but it does involve someone who attends AA, saying things which upset you, and maybe we can help give you a better idea of what AA is designed to do.

Most people know we do 12 steps which lead to recovery, the first 9 contain the basis of the program, and then 10,11 & 12 can be considered ‘maintenance steps.’ The first in these, #10, says - “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.” I don’t think anyone would disagree that what she said was wrong, she probably knew that as well, but failed to admit it, which would have solved the problem.

This question you asked, I believe also demonstrates the wrong impression many folks have of AA -
Do you just go everyday for friends and a sticker say “good job” every time you show up?
Maybe that is what she thinks, but the other maintenance steps 11 & 12, speak about continuing to improve our spiritual well being, and then helping others by showing them how we recovered. Nowhere does it say anything like you mention here - “Shes 30 years old and has been sober for 11 years. She continues to go to AA every day and it gives her a lot of support and connections which is awesome.”

I don’t blame you for thinking that’s what it’s about, like I said many folks have the wrong impression. I have less sober time than her, but I go to meetings once or twice a week, in the hope I may be able to help someone else. Yes I am thankful that in the first few months I was there, others also helped and supported me when I needed it, but in those few months I did the steps, and no longer need ‘support.

Perhaps you can forgive her for the comment she made, we all make mistakes, and I hope you will believe, that the AA program when used as it’s meant to, gives us a new outlook on life, we find such contentment that the idea of drink or drug no longer crosses our mind.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

D'oh
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Re: Need Advice

Post by D'oh » Wed Apr 10, 2019 9:45 am

There were Many Many signs, of a Problem before I admitted "Complete Defeat" Even a 13 year Stint in AA and a great life that went along with it, only to believe "I can do this alone".

Many never get there. "Of myself I am nothing". It was only through admitting I was Defeated, and I cannot drink like other people was I able to see the Gifts of living Sober.

It isn't that I am any less than anyone else, I just can't drink. I can see many people around me (including a Sibling) who I just want to "Grab and Shake" saying "There is an easier way to do Life". But "Our behaviour will convince them more than our words."

Your friend might just be worried about "Your fascination of Fentanyl OD Rescue" as a concern that you want Her to be there and know how to give you a second chance. While your second chance is all around you right now.

"Courage to change the things I can, Wisdom to realize it is Me."

Layne
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Re: Need Advice

Post by Layne » Thu Apr 11, 2019 8:35 am

Can somebody tell me why somebody that seems so nice and caring and helpful would say something like that?
Because she is a human being. I know it that may sound glib, but other people don't always behave exactly as we think they should. At times (many actually) even I fail to behave exactly as I think I should.

Whenever other people don't behave as I think they should, it is a red flag to me that I need to take a look in the mirror because my humility level and ego are a bit off. I am not the ultimate example and final word of what is best for the universe. Hopefully, I can only do what I think is right and accept that at times, I will fall short.

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