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Posted: Fri Sep 29, 2017 11:54 pm
Myboyfriend has stopped drinking this week after I gave an ultimatum. He's recently moved in with me and my family from overseas 9.months ago. We had a 3 year long distance relationship where we would see each other for between 2 weeks to 5 weeks every 3 to 4 months. . When we got together we would drink together amd had 'fun' athough he seemed really preoccupied with alhohol and never knew when to stop. I was always anxious about his level.of drinking and challenged him about it . He wpuld always make light of it. Now that he's moved in his drinking has been every day that he's not at work. We have drunk.together but i feel.I know when to stop. It has affected my family. He's been shouty not violent, passed out alot, peed the bed and just been emotionally unavailable. He has stopped a few times in the past while we've bennettt together and blamed me for starting again because I have continued to have a glass of wine now and then .
We had a crisis moment last weekend . My kid was scared and that was the last straw. so I told him to get support or we need to think abouthat splitting up. He seems to have welcomed this and has joined another blog. I'm. Also thinking about my drinking and not drinking too amd how we have built up a habit together perhaps . I don't feel it's so much of a problem for me. The problem is that I don't know if I want to.make this journey with him. He kind of seems to blame me for his drinking sometimes. He used to live alone overseas and now lives with me and 3 teenagers. He feels he could regulate his life (and drinking) when alone better , but wants to make this work with me.. It's so confusing for me. We have had so many good times together and I love him.alot and want to support him . But then again I'm scared about the future and how long it will take before our life becomes calm and happy . Since he's moved in its been pretty awful and I have become quite depressed and reached for the wine more than I did do. I have worked as hard to try to.make things better between us including addressing the drinking. I'm feeling a bit hopeless I suppose. He's not the most emotional man and is not overly loving toward me while.he is now concentrating on his sober journey. In fa t he has always been a bit hot and cold with physical affection .Other times he can be very loving. It's the inconsistency which hurts. He says he has autistic tendencies and has an autistic daughter whih may account for this The thought of parting is painful as we've been through so.much and been very happy ( it's not all been about alchohol) but I'm not sure I ever really knew him properly before he moved in because the alcohol created a screen. I also don't want to ask him.to leave at the beginning of his sobriety. He'll have to go through the process of moving back overseas again and that would I imagine be a huge stress on him. Just needed to put my story out there to see what others may think who have been in similar situations.
Posted: Sat Sep 30, 2017 9:16 am
Welcome here Obsidian.
We get questions like this fairly often, people close to a drinker trying to understand alcoholism and help them. The answer usually includes the fact that unless he really wants this for himself he won't get it, we have people here who have lost everything, skid row vagrants before they hit what we call 'rock bottom,' others fortunately managed to see how much they had to loose and took the AA program seriously, we can't say what he might do.
I can tell you that if the 'blog' he joined is half as good as this AA site, the folks there will be telling him to find a meeting with live people, sites like this are great for advise and discussion, but certainly at the start if meetings are available he should go there, and ask for a sponsor who will show him the steps of AA. Recovery comes from the steps, and the urge to drink goes away.
What we also recommend is that you might attend an Al-Anon meeting (or a few), you can find one by typing in your town name here - http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/public/meetings_advanced
there you will hear others in the same boat as you give advise.
It's nice of you to care enough about him to come here and ask, and best of luck to you both.
Posted: Sat Sep 30, 2017 10:38 am
If he scares you or your kid - he's got to go. If you are scared - it is already over.
Alcoholics are quite resilient. He is not immune from his consequences just because he has a disease. If you are going to give him "one more time" than do that, this program has worked on millions of hopeless cases. He may very well come out of his funk in a few days - we all have ups and downs. A newly sober alkie needs to find a new way of living and may still be mourning the loss of his old friend Booze. If he stays sober and sane, it might work. But all this with a big red flag - protect you and your kids first.
Paige - alcoholic and survivor of domestic abuse.
Posted: Sat Sep 30, 2017 11:32 am
Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2017 4:10 pm
Hello there!! and welcome!!!
Both Brock add Paige are among the wisest people around!! I couldn't agree more with what they have said.
I will reiterate what Paige said about being afraid. If you or your children feel fear that is very very bad. There are times when alcoholics are given an ultimatum or an intervention and they may behave like a caged wild animal, full of fear. What does a wild animal do when it is afraid? It attacks. Please don't misunderstand me. I am not by any means accusing your boyfriend of being a bad person. When I finally realized I had to stop drinking or lose everything, I wanted to hurt or kill someone. I was so angry!! I wanted to place the blame somewhere, anywhere but on myself. I was scared absolutely to death of stopping alcohol because I felt as though it was the only thing that kept me grounded and sane. I thought I would go completely crazy without it. I was sure to hate everyone and everything without my alcohol. Little did I know that I already was crazy, dangerous, and very very sick. We often explode when we are afraid. The bad part...the part we can never take back, is the damage we do when we explode. We often hate ourselves when we see what we have done. The deepest love in the world will not stop the explosion. If your instincts are telling you to fear, you could be in a very dangerous situation. Your safety and that of your children must be your primary focus first and foremost. He might never mean to hurt any of you, but at this point, harm CAN be avoided. Be safe rather than sorry if you truly feel in danger. If you have to make him leave, so be it....he may need to lose you (even if for only a season) to get better. It's not the end of the world.
One more thing: The ones who love us alcoholics sometimes think they can fix us. As much as they love us and want to help, they simply cannot. WE have to WANT to get better. WE have to do the work for ourselves with the help of other alcoholics. Other alcoholics are the only ones qualified to walk us through the steps of AA. The healthiest thing for the ones who love us to do is to love us.....and detach themselves from our disease, our actions, OUR consequences we brought on ourselves. Obsidian, this is said with as much tenderness and kindness as I can muster: You didn't cause his alcoholism, and you cannot fix it. You are never to blame. Your relationship may not be over just yet.....it depends upon so many variables. What ever you do, protect yourself and those who depend upon you.
Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2017 3:16 am
Ditto to the above posts
Posted: Fri Oct 06, 2017 12:34 pm
Verbal Abuse Precedes Domestic Violence...
Domestic violence is about power and control. This control begins with verbal abuse. Verbal abuse attacks one’s spirit and sense of self. Verbal abuse attempts to create self doubt. "You don’t know what you’re talking about," "You don’t have a sense of humor," "You can’t take a joke," "You’re too sensitive," "You’re crazy."
If your child is scared, then its time to get out. You and your children deserve to be treated with honor, dignity and respect. And there is no untreated active alcoholic who is capable of that, because their number one priority is Booze.
Alcoholism and Domestic abuse are two different things and they need to be treated separately. Sober alcoholics can still continue to abuse, because they need outside help.
You have absolutely no control over what he says, does or thinks, but you most certainly have control over what you say, do and think. So whether he stops drinking and gets help or not, you can get help for you and your children. Do It For You....
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
Or call the Al-Anon toll free number below:
Call this Al-Anon World Wide Toll Free number 1.888.425.2666 – follow the prompts to speak with an Al-Anon member who will be happy to give you information about where a face to face Al-Anon meeting can be found in your area and they can send you an Al-Anon meeting list book with all the meetings in it.
Posted: Fri Oct 13, 2017 11:19 am
I'd just like to say a bit about making empty threats and also say how much I love and respect the Al-Anon Family Groups and recommend at least checking it out for your own benefit. What I mean by empty threats is telling him it's over if he doesn't stop drinking and then not standing by that decision. The only thing that tells him is that what you are saying, you do not mean and it is very important that you stick to the phrase, "say what you mean and mean what you say". Active alcoholics who do not have the strong desire to quit drinking are very good at using your own words against you - I know I was. It's very easy to tell someone that it's over if they don't take action but it's very difficult to actually take the action. And this is where Al-Anon will come in handy. Good luck to you and your family. Alcoholism is a disease but it does not give anyone the right to treat anyone poorly. If he's not ready to change, he will not change. By putting your focus on him and his problem instead of yourself and your own problems, regardless if you that is a drinking problem or not, your focus and attention are only fueling the fire unfortunately. I hope this helps you. I really feel for you.