AA amends and infidelity

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sjackson
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AA amends and infidelity

Post by sjackson » Sun Jun 18, 2017 2:47 pm

My boyfriend hid an addiction from me for a significant amount of time. We had only been dating for a short amount of time before he slipped back into this addiction. Simultaneously he was hiding some dishonest behavior surrounding girls, specifically one girl who was an ex who he continued to "woo" while we were together. There were hints that he was being dishonest about their contact but I didn't really have confirmation until everything sort of came to a head at once and he went to rehab. The rehab was a life savor and he has been sober for over 90 days! One of the promises he made to me, both continuously while he was using and I would catch him in small lies about this girl, and after I found out the extent of the communication and he went off to rehab, was that he would have no further contact with this person. Now he's making his "amends" and I'm having trouble navigating what my expectations should be. I know she probably deserves an apology, and I also know that his recovery isn't my business, but at the same time I'm having trouble not feeling stupid condoning contact. I'm a bit of an over-thinker and gave him the go-ahead to make amends to her before he even brought it up to me, knowing he'd reached that step, but asked that he let me know once he'd made it and that it included an understanding that it was the final contact between them (at least in the near future) and he blew up at me and said he would not share that information with me and that it was none of my business. (To be clear I was in no way asking for details about the content of whatever conversation they may have.) Was I totally in the wrong? Am I a doormat? I'm really very lost as to what makes sense in this situation and any advice would be so appreciated. Thanks

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Spirit Flower
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Re: AA amends and infidelity

Post by Spirit Flower » Mon Jun 19, 2017 1:57 am

1. 90 days is barely nothing especially since part of that was treatment

2. "asked that he let me know once he'd made it and that it included an understanding that it was the final contact between them" sound like a good thing to say. His response was baby; but YOU were acting like his mother.

3. You are a mature woman. Do you want to be hooked up with a cheating drug addict? Being single is a better option. There are other fish in the pond. Work on your own self esteem and the relationship will follow.
...a score card reading zero...

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PaigeB
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Re: AA amends and infidelity

Post by PaigeB » Mon Jun 19, 2017 6:19 am

Hi sjackson - My name is Paige and I am an alcoholic. Since I have not had experience with loving an alcoholic or addict, I think I should refer you to our sister program Alanon. It came right alongside of AA and is for the family and friends of the alcoholic. No matter where you are you will find them. Start your search here:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/home

Good luck. It is a difficult journey to love a drunk.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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positrac
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Re: AA amends and infidelity

Post by positrac » Mon Jun 19, 2017 7:37 am

I am a male and Spirit Flower hit this dead center on her points.
I did some things not exactly nice and fair to the others I was with in another life. But my qualification here is that again 90 days is just a little awakening and nothing else.

Actions long term are way more benefitting than some feeling sorry actions hoping he'll keep you on the hook because he might fear loneness! Am I being judgmental? Most likely and you have to look out for yourself and protect what is worth protecting and not enabling some guy(s) in your life now and in the future. I'm going off what you wrote and all is subjective and many sides to the story.

Actually AA amends if you are sober is one thing and NA amends are for NA and sobriety is sobriety if quality is in that mix and if you are to make it work and or go your way then go with a clean and clear mind and cut it all off as to not get emotionally messed up anymore from this person. All of this is really easier said than done and it all rests on your shoulders because people who mess around do it for the thrill of the action and risk. So tread lightly because your life is worth so much more at the end of the day.
Work hard, stay positive, and get up early. It's the best part of the day.
George Allen, Sr.

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Blue Moon
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Re: AA amends and infidelity

Post by Blue Moon » Tue Jun 20, 2017 6:22 pm

sjackson wrote:Now he's making his "amends" and I'm having trouble navigating what my expectations should be. I know she probably deserves an apology, and I also know that his recovery isn't my business, but at the same time I'm having trouble not feeling stupid condoning contact. I'm a bit of an over-thinker and gave him the go-ahead to make amends to her before he even brought it up to me, knowing he'd reached that step, but asked that he let me know once he'd made it and that it included an understanding that it was the final contact between them (at least in the near future)
At 90 days, he is most probably nowhere near the "amends" Step, no matter where his head thinks it's at. His reaction to you proves it. The Step reads "made direct amends to such people (we had harmed) wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others". His "amends" to her is injurious to you at this time, and might not do her much good either. So if he's honestly on a sober path, he needs to not be attempting to make such amends at this time.

The only thing I would have difficulty with is your ultimatum - "that it was the final contact between them (at least in the near future)". How is that to be evaluated? What are the consequences of breaking that agreement, and are you genuinely willing and able to see it through? If he's going to do something silly, you can't control that outcome. Ultimatums can be simply boxing yourself into a corner. Particularly as "amends" is different from a mere "apology"... an "amends" is to put things right if we can, so it can be an ongoing thing until the wrong is righted.
he blew up at me and said he would not share that information with me and that it was none of my business.
Of course it's your business! His own actions made it your business. Unless he has earned your trust (which he obviously has not), it is absolutely your business, for your physical as well as emotional well-being. The only way in which it's not your business is if you're not in a relationship with him.
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Mikejonesmj
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Re: AA amends and infidelity

Post by Mikejonesmj » Thu Aug 10, 2017 6:08 am

sjackson wrote:My boyfriend hid an addiction from me for a significant amount of time. We had only been dating for a short amount of time before he slipped back into this addiction. Simultaneously he was hiding some dishonest behavior surrounding girls, specifically one girl who was an ex who he continued to "woo" while we were together. There were hints that he was being dishonest about their contact but I didn't really have confirmation until everything sort of came to a head at once and he went to rehab. The rehab was a life savor and he has been sober for over 90 days! One of the promises he made to me, both continuously while he was using and I would catch him in small lies about this girl, and after I found out the extent of the communication and he went off to rehab, was that he would have no further contact with this person. Now he's making his "amends" and I'm having trouble navigating what my expectations should be. I know she probably deserves an apology, and I also know that his recovery isn't my business, but at the same time I'm having trouble not feeling stupid condoning contact. I'm a bit of an over-thinker and gave him the go-ahead to make amends to her before he even brought it up to me, knowing he'd reached that step, but asked that he let me know once he'd made it and that it included an understanding that it was the final contact between them (at least in the near future) and he blew up at me and said he would not share that information with me and that it was none of my business. (To be clear I was in no way asking for details about the content of whatever conversation they may have.) Was I totally in the wrong? Am I a doormat? I'm really very lost as to what makes sense in this situation and any advice would be so appreciated. Thanks
I think you are not wrong completely. Your boyfriend irregularities has stuck him in this situation. He may not feel attracted to you. I think you should now move ahead in your life. That would be beneficial.

Betrayed
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Re: AA amends and infidelity

Post by Betrayed » Sun Mar 15, 2020 7:08 pm

Husband in AA for over 20 years. Just discovered that he has been sleeping with woman he meets in the program. Says he and 1 woman are now in love. Is this a normal part of recovery? My sons are devastated and angry and I feel like I am losing my mind.

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PaigeB
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Re: AA amends and infidelity

Post by PaigeB » Mon Mar 16, 2020 11:47 am

Betrayed wrote:
Sun Mar 15, 2020 7:08 pm
Husband in AA for over 20 years. Just discovered that he has been sleeping with woman he meets in the program. Says he and 1 woman are now in love. Is this a normal part of recovery? My sons are devastated and angry and I feel like I am losing my mind.
No. Not a normal part of anything - let alone recovery in a program that demands rigorous honesty.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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Re: AA amends and infidelity

Post by Lavender » Tue Mar 17, 2020 3:32 am

Hi SJackson thank you for sharing your experience and fear with us.

In my experience three months is way to short a period to start making amends to anyone. At three months you are still trudging water simply to try and stay sober or clean and hitting rough waters to get used to a change in lifestyle. Our twelve step program is written from step 1 to 12 and if he is buffet picking which steps he is doing at the moment i.e skip step 3 and move on to step 6 and 7 he is unfortunately not completely on the right path. I was more than a year sober before I could even consider making amends to certain people.

You also mention that his recovery and program is none of your business. Well …. once again in my experience it has all to do with you as you are now his support system so as harsh as this may sound I would cut my losses and run.

Somehow I feel that the booty calls are still continueing and the way he is treating you when you ask these simply and valid questions confirms that to me. You should have been the first person to whom amends should have been made.

Hope this help. Not to break your heart but to free your spirit.
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tomsteve
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Re: AA amends and infidelity

Post by tomsteve » Tue Mar 17, 2020 2:02 pm

sjackson wrote:
Sun Jun 18, 2017 2:47 pm
I'm a bit of an over-thinker and gave him the go-ahead to make amends to her before he even brought it up to me, knowing he'd reached that step, but asked that he let me know once he'd made it and that it included an understanding that it was the final contact between them (at least in the near future) and he blew up at me and said he would not share that information with me and that it was none of my business. (To be clear I was in no way asking for details about the content of whatever conversation they may have.) Was I totally in the wrong? Am I a doormat? I'm really very lost as to what makes sense in this situation and any advice would be so appreciated. Thanks
id say what ya saidto him was controlling. kind of taking a hostage-set demands and a ransom.
a doormat? how so?

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Re: AA amends and infidelity

Post by Lavender » Tue Mar 17, 2020 8:28 pm

Hi tomsteve just a quick question - have you ever lived with a drug addict or alcoholic or natural lier? If you have I will try to understand your response to the op
Nothing can dim the Light that shines within you
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avaneesh912
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Re: AA amends and infidelity

Post by avaneesh912 » Wed Mar 18, 2020 4:50 am

Just want to say, you are responding to a post that was not active. "Betrayed" posted her question on March 15th under this old title. Paige responded to it but others have been responding to the OP.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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Re: AA amends and infidelity

Post by Lavender » Wed Mar 18, 2020 10:23 am

Thanks Ava but this post clearly came up for a reason again so Perhaps someone else have been battling with this question and was too shy to ask
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Betrayed
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Re: AA amends and infidelity

Post by Betrayed » Wed Mar 18, 2020 2:57 pm

I guess I am wondering how often AA participants cheat on their spouses with others in AA

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avaneesh912
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Re: AA amends and infidelity

Post by avaneesh912 » Wed Mar 18, 2020 5:44 pm

Probably percentage wise little more than any other congregation.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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