AA amends and infidelity

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AA amends and infidelity

Postby sjackson » Sun Jun 18, 2017 2:47 pm

My boyfriend hid an addiction from me for a significant amount of time. We had only been dating for a short amount of time before he slipped back into this addiction. Simultaneously he was hiding some dishonest behavior surrounding girls, specifically one girl who was an ex who he continued to "woo" while we were together. There were hints that he was being dishonest about their contact but I didn't really have confirmation until everything sort of came to a head at once and he went to rehab. The rehab was a life savor and he has been sober for over 90 days! One of the promises he made to me, both continuously while he was using and I would catch him in small lies about this girl, and after I found out the extent of the communication and he went off to rehab, was that he would have no further contact with this person. Now he's making his "amends" and I'm having trouble navigating what my expectations should be. I know she probably deserves an apology, and I also know that his recovery isn't my business, but at the same time I'm having trouble not feeling stupid condoning contact. I'm a bit of an over-thinker and gave him the go-ahead to make amends to her before he even brought it up to me, knowing he'd reached that step, but asked that he let me know once he'd made it and that it included an understanding that it was the final contact between them (at least in the near future) and he blew up at me and said he would not share that information with me and that it was none of my business. (To be clear I was in no way asking for details about the content of whatever conversation they may have.) Was I totally in the wrong? Am I a doormat? I'm really very lost as to what makes sense in this situation and any advice would be so appreciated. Thanks
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Re: AA amends and infidelity

Postby Spirit Flower » Mon Jun 19, 2017 1:57 am

1. 90 days is barely nothing especially since part of that was treatment

2. "asked that he let me know once he'd made it and that it included an understanding that it was the final contact between them" sound like a good thing to say. His response was baby; but YOU were acting like his mother.

3. You are a mature woman. Do you want to be hooked up with a cheating drug addict? Being single is a better option. There are other fish in the pond. Work on your own self esteem and the relationship will follow.
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Re: AA amends and infidelity

Postby PaigeB » Mon Jun 19, 2017 6:19 am

Hi sjackson - My name is Paige and I am an alcoholic. Since I have not had experience with loving an alcoholic or addict, I think I should refer you to our sister program Alanon. It came right alongside of AA and is for the family and friends of the alcoholic. No matter where you are you will find them. Start your search here:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/home

Good luck. It is a difficult journey to love a drunk.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: AA amends and infidelity

Postby positrac » Mon Jun 19, 2017 7:37 am

I am a male and Spirit Flower hit this dead center on her points.
I did some things not exactly nice and fair to the others I was with in another life. But my qualification here is that again 90 days is just a little awakening and nothing else.

Actions long term are way more benefitting than some feeling sorry actions hoping he'll keep you on the hook because he might fear loneness! Am I being judgmental? Most likely and you have to look out for yourself and protect what is worth protecting and not enabling some guy(s) in your life now and in the future. I'm going off what you wrote and all is subjective and many sides to the story.

Actually AA amends if you are sober is one thing and NA amends are for NA and sobriety is sobriety if quality is in that mix and if you are to make it work and or go your way then go with a clean and clear mind and cut it all off as to not get emotionally messed up anymore from this person. All of this is really easier said than done and it all rests on your shoulders because people who mess around do it for the thrill of the action and risk. So tread lightly because your life is worth so much more at the end of the day.
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Re: AA amends and infidelity

Postby Blue Moon » Tue Jun 20, 2017 6:22 pm

sjackson wrote:Now he's making his "amends" and I'm having trouble navigating what my expectations should be. I know she probably deserves an apology, and I also know that his recovery isn't my business, but at the same time I'm having trouble not feeling stupid condoning contact. I'm a bit of an over-thinker and gave him the go-ahead to make amends to her before he even brought it up to me, knowing he'd reached that step, but asked that he let me know once he'd made it and that it included an understanding that it was the final contact between them (at least in the near future)


At 90 days, he is most probably nowhere near the "amends" Step, no matter where his head thinks it's at. His reaction to you proves it. The Step reads "made direct amends to such people (we had harmed) wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others". His "amends" to her is injurious to you at this time, and might not do her much good either. So if he's honestly on a sober path, he needs to not be attempting to make such amends at this time.

The only thing I would have difficulty with is your ultimatum - "that it was the final contact between them (at least in the near future)". How is that to be evaluated? What are the consequences of breaking that agreement, and are you genuinely willing and able to see it through? If he's going to do something silly, you can't control that outcome. Ultimatums can be simply boxing yourself into a corner. Particularly as "amends" is different from a mere "apology"... an "amends" is to put things right if we can, so it can be an ongoing thing until the wrong is righted.

he blew up at me and said he would not share that information with me and that it was none of my business.


Of course it's your business! His own actions made it your business. Unless he has earned your trust (which he obviously has not), it is absolutely your business, for your physical as well as emotional well-being. The only way in which it's not your business is if you're not in a relationship with him.
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Re: AA amends and infidelity

Postby Mikejonesmj » Thu Aug 10, 2017 6:08 am

sjackson wrote:My boyfriend hid an addiction from me for a significant amount of time. We had only been dating for a short amount of time before he slipped back into this addiction. Simultaneously he was hiding some dishonest behavior surrounding girls, specifically one girl who was an ex who he continued to "woo" while we were together. There were hints that he was being dishonest about their contact but I didn't really have confirmation until everything sort of came to a head at once and he went to rehab. The rehab was a life savor and he has been sober for over 90 days! One of the promises he made to me, both continuously while he was using and I would catch him in small lies about this girl, and after I found out the extent of the communication and he went off to rehab, was that he would have no further contact with this person. Now he's making his "amends" and I'm having trouble navigating what my expectations should be. I know she probably deserves an apology, and I also know that his recovery isn't my business, but at the same time I'm having trouble not feeling stupid condoning contact. I'm a bit of an over-thinker and gave him the go-ahead to make amends to her before he even brought it up to me, knowing he'd reached that step, but asked that he let me know once he'd made it and that it included an understanding that it was the final contact between them (at least in the near future) and he blew up at me and said he would not share that information with me and that it was none of my business. (To be clear I was in no way asking for details about the content of whatever conversation they may have.) Was I totally in the wrong? Am I a doormat? I'm really very lost as to what makes sense in this situation and any advice would be so appreciated. Thanks


I think you are not wrong completely. Your boyfriend irregularities has stuck him in this situation. He may not feel attracted to you. I think you should now move ahead in your life. That would be beneficial.
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