Desperately seekong advice after break up

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Desperately seekong advice after break up

Post by Whimsicallyhearted »

Hi all,
My partner and I have been together about 9 months. I knew from the beginning he had addiction problems but he had about 15 months clean in.
He relapsed a few months in and attempted suucide. Luckily it was an unsuccessful attempt and he was hospitalized and released. I stayed with him the whole time. Feed him,bathed him and encouraged him.
We worked hard to build him back up.
He talked about wanting to get a place together very soon, to get married and have children in the next few years.
He has a very sensitive ego and because of financial issues from when he was in active asdiction he was unable to get a cellphone.
This is when the trouble seemed to start. I signed for it and though he seemed super happy I feel it hurt his "manhood". For the next few days after that he was snippy and short with me at times.
He came to my place Monday and when we tried to be intimate it wasn't possible (his libido is a little wonky from his meds ). This left me feeling hurt because he couldn't even try to show an interest for me when I always do when he wants to.
This led into an argument where he said something really negative and I said "What do you want to end things" and he said that's what I'm thinking.
I was very upset and left for work. While at work he texted me to say he wanted to break up. I was shocked. Two days before he had brought me a big thing of blown up pictures of us together as a gift to surprise me.

He then blocked my number. When he finally contacted me he said he didn't like the way I treated him, that I asked him to stay up late and sometimes wasn't ready on time when he showed up to get me to go to the park. He said us wanting to have sex at different times would be an issue. He said it's too painful to talk to me
He got his 90 day thing Sunday. Was so excited for me to be there to celebrate with him. Can anyone give me any insight? Is this common in early recovery? I love him dearly

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Re: Desperately seekong advice after break up

Post by Brock »

Welcome here, we do get inquires like this from time to time, people hurt by the behavior of alcoholics and addicts, there is not usually much we can offer by way of support. Normally we recommend the person see about their own health and well being, by attending groups which offer support for families. Both ( for family members of alcoholics, and Nar-anon ( for family members of addicts, offer support groups, it says 'family members' but anyone close to the addict would be welcome.

In recovery, it is usually recommended that the person not be involved in new relationships, or as in this case those which involve 'drama,' basically the addict has one thing only to concentrate on, getting clean and sober. I think it is wonderful the efforts you have made to help him, and it is unfortunate that those who try to help us so often end up getting hurt.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

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Re: Desperately seekong advice after break up

Post by Spirit Flower »

1. Don't make any babies.

2. Do you want a miserable life? Hang on to this guy.

Yes, I was incredibly blunt. :)
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Re: Desperately seekong advice after break up

Post by avaneesh912 »

1. Don't make any babies.

2. Do you want a miserable life? Hang on to this guy.
I like that. I do want to add, An alcoholic is a sick person trying to get well (i am not saying it, the preface to AA says that). The emotional part could take a while to be re-instated and, that too, only if he is sincere about his recovery.

To strengthen your being, you may seek what Brock already suggested. Alan-on. There too, you got to be careful in whom you are associating with. I have heard horror stories there too.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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Re: Desperately seekong advice after break up

Post by PaigeB »

Well I say you might benefit from speaking with people like yourself. You are on a forum for alcoholics and we perhaps do not have the same understanding as someone who loves an alcoholic... obviously, we all love a lot of alcoholics, I guess I am not sure how to word it... anyway - - -

I am sorry that alcohol has become a problem in your family. We alcoholics seem to infect everyone around us... I know I did. But when I was drinking, I couldn't see what I was doing and I rationalized and justified A LOT of bad behavior. My family tried, at many times and in many ways, to get me to stop drinking but I wouldn't & I couldn't until I got some help from Alcoholic Anonymous. And it will be a lifetime job for me.

But there is HOPE. When Alcoholic Anonymous came about back in the 1930's another organization came up right alongside of AA and continues to thrive, just as AA does. It is called ALANON and it is for the family & friends of the alcoholic. They completely understand what you are going through in a way that most people cannot. Living with an alcoholic is a special kind of Hell that they have lived through and survived.

They can tell you exactly how they did it.

I hope you contact them. I am certain they can be of some help.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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Re: Desperately seekong advice after break up

Post by JohnDaniels »

Paige has given you some outstanding advice as have the others about getting hold of Al-Anon. It really works.

I know you're hurting deep in your heart and your soul. I've seen how the AA way of life has performed miracles and transformed the lives of alcoholics and the families of alcoholics. Yes your boyfriend has done some off the wall stuff. It sounds like he's drinking and or using again. I also see some serious codependency going on like the cell phone you got him and your taking care of him because he's such a good son of a beach. I mean goooooood! But the thing is, he is just so damned loveable. I see the con in him taking it's toll on you. I see the possibility of another life that has been going on behind your back. It makes me wonder what is missing in the story, maybe nothing. Drugs and alcohol do a number on the alcoholic and the family like a tornado running thru everyone's lives. But even at that, I would never give up on any sick alcoholic, I've seen too many miracles. Helping a sick alky does not mean coddling them or babying them, that only keeps them in their sickness longer.

You are one of Gods kids too and you deserve better. You deserve to help yourself.

I would also suggest as others here have that you attend some Al-Anon meetings and get a good female sponsor who is not filled with rage, but who has taken the 12 Steps and those 12 Steps are working in her life. Al-Anon has a slogan "Release with love". You can learn to have serenity and freedom of the spirit in your life again without depending on your alcoholic with all your soul to the point you become obsessed and codependent.
Meanwhile your boyfriend will either get sober or die and the thing is, there's really no amount of going after him that will save him. Him spending a night in jail is more healthy than you running to bail him out. Based on what you said happened with him and you pulling him through it all, makes me wonder if he may have some serious kidney damage and liver damage. If that is so, he may go down quicker this time. You are likely to get a call some night from a hospital or a jail. Sweetheart, I really believe you would benefit so much from Al-Anon, especially right now.

Like I said he may call you from jail some night
In jail he'll make that 1 phone call to you, "Oh come on baby. Come and get me out of here. They threw me in this pit with a bunch of degenerates!" followed by conning you with empty promises.
But after some Al-Anon you'll be like "I must be cruel to be kind"
He'll be like "Oh baby, these guys are degenerates in here. I hurt. I love you. If you stab me with a shiv do I not bleed?"

The best time to help and alcoholic is when he/she is at their lowest, like in jail or a hospital. A good Black Belt Al-Anon Sponsor will help you thru all that in a healthy manner that works.
Hey, you have a good heart and I know you love him, even after all he's done. But he's played you for the fool. He owes you and who ever else he is presently conning some big time amends, but in Al-Anon you'll learn how not to let yourself be conned in the first place. He can learn how to get sober, have serenity, learn who he's hurt and how to make amends in AA if he chooses to. His sobriety will have to be his own choice though. If it's going to happen it likely will not happen over night. It may take a year or 2 to get healthy. Oh you might be able to drop some AA pamphlets or literature around here and there, like maybe on the back of the toilet so when he sets down to do his business he'll have something to read. But I believe for now you ought to help yourself thru Al-Anon to begin your own healing and set some healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries, because often times everything the codependent partner ever let go of has claw marks all over it.

Concerning sex and relationships AA conference approved writings tell us:
Most married folks in A.A. have very happy homes. To a surprising extent, A.A. has offset the damage to family life brought about by years of alcoholism. But just like all other societies, we do have sex and marital problems, and sometimes they are distressingly acute. Permanent marriage breakups and separations, however, are unusual in A.A. Our main problem is not how we are to stay married; it is how to be more happily married by eliminating the severe emotional twists that have so often stemmed from alcoholism.
Nearly every sound human being experiences, at some time in life, a compelling desire to find a mate of the opposite sex with whom the fullest possible union can be made —spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical. This mighty urge is the root of great human accomplishments, a creative energy that deeply influences our lives. God fashioned us that way. So our question will be this: How, by ignorance, compulsion, and self-will, do we misuse this gift for our own destruction? We A.A.’s cannot pretend to offer full answers to age-old perplexities, but our own experience does provide certain answers that work for us. When alcoholism strikes, very unnatural situations may develop which work against marriage partnership and compatible union. If the man is affected, the wife must become the head of the house, often the breadwinner. As matters get worse, the husband becomes a sick and irresponsible child who needs to be looked after and extricated from endless scrapes and impasses. Very gradually, and usually without any realization of the fact, the wife is forced to become the mother of an erring boy. And if she had a strong maternal instinct to begin with, the situation is aggravated. Obviously not much partnership can exist under these conditions. The wife usually goes on doing the best she knows how, but meanwhile the alcoholic alternately loves and hates her maternal care. A pattern is thereby established that may take a lot of undoing later on. Nevertheless, under the influence of A.A.’s Twelve Steps, these situations are often set right.
When the distortion has been great, however, a long period of patient striving may be necessary. After the husband joins A.A., the wife may become discontented, even highly resentful that Alcoholics Anonymous has done the very thing that all her years of devotion had failed to do. Her husband may become so wrapped up in A.A. and his new friends that he is inconsiderately away from home more than when he drank. Seeing her unhappiness, he recommends A.A.’s Twelve Steps and tries to teach her how to live. She naturally feels that for years she has made a far better job of living than he has. Both of them blame each other and ask when their marriage is ever going to be happy again. They may even begin to suspect it had never been any good in the first place. Compatibility, of course, can be so impossibly damaged that a separation may be necessary. But those cases are the unusual ones. The alcoholic, realizing what his wife has endured, and now fully understanding how much he himself did to damage her and his children, nearly always takes up his marriage responsibilities with a willingness to repair what he can and to accept what he can’t. He persistently tries all of A.A.’s Twelve Steps in his home, often with fine results. At this point he firmly but lovingly commences to behave like a partner instead of like a bad boy. And above all he is finally convinced that reckless romancing is not a way of life for him.

I wish you the best

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Re: Desperately seekong advice after break up

Post by Blue Moon »

Whimsicallyhearted wrote:He got his 90 day thing Sunday. Was so excited for me to be there to celebrate with him. Can anyone give me any insight? Is this common in early recovery? I love him dearly
Relationship difficulties are extremely difficult in early sobriety. Drinking is just a symptom, he has probably not yet unearthed the real cause. At 90 days, he's basically just at the tail-end of physical detox. A long road of life-reconstruction lies ahead; how long that road is will depend on how unwell he had become, and how much he wants to achieve the result.

Whether he's well or not, Alanon is an oft-recommended resource for you.
Ian S
AKA Blue Moon

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