Qualifier's Chronic Relapse

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Qualifier's Chronic Relapse

Postby Boneman » Tue Feb 07, 2017 9:09 am

To All,

I am a grateful member of Al-Anon and am trying to support someone I love very much who is in the grip of disease. I am posting for your thoughts.

My qualifier is a chronic relapser. Binge, detox, then meetings everyday, work with her sponsor...30-40 days, like clock-work, it starts over again, and again and again.

I have removed the car but she is having booze delivered to the house. She has been resistant to any discussion. I refused a delivery at the door Sunday and she just Uber'd and picked up more booze. My knee jerk is to do what I have done in the past. Do an "intervention", get her to detox and start over. But this has never worked.

I did a lot of reading last night and found this blog. I am inclined to do it different this time and just get out of the way. This may lead to her having a serious medical event or even death.But I have come to realize that my desire to "save" her is probably hurting her.

I would appreciate any thoughts on my immediate issue and any thoughts about dealing with her chronic relapses.

Thank you in advance.
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Re: Qualifier's Chronic Relapse

Postby Noels » Tue Feb 07, 2017 9:48 am

Hi Boneman welcome to e-aa :)
My experience was that I couldn't and wouldn't stop drinking or rather 'stay stopped ' until I made that decision for myself. Unfortunately most alcolics are people with huge personalities and don't like others deciding for them regardless whether it's good for them :)

Good luck. I'm sure some more members will be along to share some more.

Noels xxx
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Re: Qualifier's Chronic Relapse

Postby Brock » Tue Feb 07, 2017 10:09 am

Welcome and thanks for the question, this sort of thing comes up here from time to time, and it helps some members remember our own attitude towards those who tried to help us. I agree with Noels that she must want it for herself, and agree with you that the best thing is probably leave her to it, whatever happens you have tried your best. The only worry I have, is if you give back the car she might hurt an innocent person, so it might be better if you don't.

Best of luck to you, she is lucky to have somebody who cares this much.
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Re: Qualifier's Chronic Relapse

Postby Barbara D. » Tue Feb 07, 2017 10:14 am

Hi. I'm Barbara, a recovering alcoholic.

I gather you already have experience, strength, and hope from your Al-anon Group and you want a perspective from the alcoholic side of the "equation." I attended a few Al-anon meetings because of my father. It was about me deciding what I could do to deal with my own character defects, not about learning how to control or save my alcoholic.

When I was drinking, any of my husband's attempts to stop me made the obsession and compulsion even stronger. So I can relate to your wife's insane behavior. I had to reach my own bottom with as little interference from immediate family as possible. And it was absolutely imperative that no one enable me, that is try to soften consequences. My husband wanted me to find the answer in religion. When he realized AA's God this and God that was not necessarily a religious framework, he saw AA as a threat and would not look after the boys so I could go to meetings. But that's another story.

Knowing all of this, when my younger son got into alcohol and street drugs, I went into denial and enabled him for years...that is gave him a safe environment from which he could use. But after he finished his jail time in house arrest with me, I realized he'd take me with him before I could get him clean/sober. I left him on a street corner in a druggy neighborhood with one suitcase and maybe $50. And, yes, I knew he might die before he reached his bottom. Another story. I'm glad to say that he has 5 1/2 years clean in NA.

Yes, I had to get out of the way!!! I hope this was helpful and caused you to see some detail in a different light. Good luck.
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Re: Qualifier's Chronic Relapse

Postby PaigeB » Tue Feb 07, 2017 1:05 pm

There is a website for the Family & friends of an alcoholic. You will find people there who have gone through or are still going through what you are. I think you will find they can help.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/home
Click on the "find an alanon meeting" tab along the top banner and enter your location. It will get you a website closer to home.
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Re: Qualifier's Chronic Relapse

Postby avaneesh912 » Tue Feb 07, 2017 1:51 pm

I would appreciate any thoughts on my immediate issue and any thoughts about dealing with her chronic relapses.


There was this Henrietta Sieberling, one of those non-alcoholic members of the then oxford group was very firm on fixing Dr. Bob. But nothing she could do. In fact she says she got guidance from God that Dr. Bob shouldn't touch a drop of liquor. But her prayers were so genuine, God did send Bill from New York. I believe this is what Bill said to her
"I am from Oxford Group and I am a rum hound from New York".

Hopefully you will also find a recovered Rum Hound who understands the 12 steps.

Good luck, you seem sincere, God will answer your prayers. When she is filled with guilt remorse.... depressed, usually that happens when they come out of a huge binge, have her listen to Chris Rs talk (you can find him on youtube). Maybe she needs some tough love. Thats what you will get from his talks.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Qualifier's Chronic Relapse

Postby Boneman » Wed Feb 08, 2017 8:02 am

To all that responded,

Thank you for taking the time. I appreciate it very much.

Your responses were consistent with my sponsor's thinking as well as other brother's and sister's who I have reached out to. Like most program things, our heart tells us to help but our head knows to get out of the way and stay focused on our own serenity.

It is incredibly painful to watch her slowly kill herself. But her only hope is to find her own bottom and determine her own path. I have now chosen this course.

I am so thankful for my program, the program and all those who are a part of this miracle.

Thank you again!
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Re: Qualifier's Chronic Relapse

Postby tomsteve » Wed Feb 08, 2017 12:48 pm

enable me and literally love me to death
or
walk away and pray som day i get help and can be loved to life.
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Re: Qualifier's Chronic Relapse

Postby Blue Moon » Sat Feb 11, 2017 6:42 pm

What's the problem? You have to decide what is or is not acceptable. For as long as we accept the unacceptable, it's not really unacceptable. So when it comes to a choice between you and the booze, there's no real choice involved - the booze will "win" because you've shown time and time again through your own actions that you'll always "be there" no matter what. So it becomes relatively easy to choose the booze while you're accepting the role of martyr.

Many of us did not stop drinking until it was a stark decision between that and losing something else of value. Some of us, not even then. Yet the real bottom line: if you're to have any contentment in this life, you'll need to take responsibility for your own life and actions whether she quits drinking or not.
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Re: Qualifier's Chronic Relapse

Postby D'oh » Sat Feb 11, 2017 7:12 pm

How It Works

RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Good to have you on e-AA. Makes me think of the "Path of Distruction" we cause. I am not sure that Anyone would have been able to convince me "Until I hit Bottom". One man did say something early in my drinking that stuck with me though, but I didn't hit bottom for years after. Hounding won't do anything, but somethings do stick.

Good Luck.

BB pg 82
The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept he home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, “Don’t see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain’t it grand the wind stopped blowin’?”
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