Post Rehab - What just happened?

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Post Rehab - What just happened?

Postby Confused16 » Sat Dec 03, 2016 11:20 pm

My ABF has been struggling with addiction since he was a kid. We come from VERY DIFFERENT backgrounds. So needless to say, it was hard for us to understand each others way of living. My ABF struggles a lot with boundaries. He would use the excuse of seeing his kids to disappear for days on end. He would end up at his ex's house on her couch because she let him go over there and get drunk/do drugs so long as he was around for the kids. Many times he would pack his kids in his truck and take off drunk as a skunk. Would end up arrested where their mom would have to pick up the kids, in the hospital, etc. He never faced any consequences with her so to him it was no big deal. This caused a lot of fights for us because after living this way for almost all his life (his mom is the same way), he couldn't understand why I couldn't trust him. Why I didn't feel comfortable leaving our baby with him unsupervised. Why I would freak out every time he said he was going to see his kids because I knew it wouldn't end well. One day while I was at work he packed his stuff and moved out of our house. No warning - just left. I went crazy looking for him at hospitals, jails, etc (the usual procedure when he disappeared) Finally I found him at his ex's house. He refused to take my calls for a month. He not only left me, he left our 12 month old baby, too! Finally he came around saying he made a big mistake, etc. but didn't really change. I eventually got him to agree to check into a rehab. The first two weeks were tough. All he wanted was for me to assure him he was coming home after and all was forgiven. I was apprehensive because I never know what I'm going to get with him. During this time I also found out I was pregnant. I think that was a turning point for him. He stopped looking for reassurance from me regarding our relationship, stopped calling and would rarely take my calls. I was no longer invited to come visit during family day. I spoke to him his last night there ... he told me how much he loved me, how he couldn't wait to come back home, how much he missed me. Made plans to start working right away to help me out financially, etc. Said he wold call the minute he was out ... I sat by my phone all day waiting for his call, kept running to the window each time I heard a truck. Never got a call.

I finally got a hold of him and he told me he was sorry that he was having a hard time, that he was sick and just wasn't ready to deal with me. I completely understood, except he was leaving his son's parent/teacher conference. Meaning, he was okay to call his ex once he was out, go to a parent teacher conference, and well enough to visit his other children. It was just me and our son he wasn't well enough to see. I tried to be understanding and explained that this was his time to be selfish, to get better, etc. That all I asked from him was to be honest so that I wasn't up worried about him, waiting for his call. We spoke again the next day and he said he would come visit. I was ECSTATIC! I thought, 'okay, now we're getting somewhere'... I get a text after work telling me that he was sorry, that he was still feeling pretty crappy and rather stay home and drink some theraflu. That he loved me and wanted to make things work, that I didn't have to wait around forever. That he was going back to rehab for some aftercare and would come over after for as long as I'd like. I immediately called him back to tell him how proud I was of him for being honest, that I know he probably thought I'd be mad but I wasn't. That I understood and supported EVERY single thing that helped him get better. Saturday morning came and I sent him a few pix of our son. Wished him a good day and asked him to let me know when he thought he'd be over. No reply... I started to panic. Blowing up his phone, texting him, the usual embarrassing routine. Finally he texts me back to tell me that he's trying to use the map feature on his phone and if i would please stop. He blocked my phone number from his phone after that.

Well it's been exactly two weeks since I've been blocked from his phone. TWO WEEKS! Two and a half weeks out of rehab. He's seen his other children, he was on facebook last week (he deleted it when I sent him a message on there). I don't know what's going on!!! Is this normal after rehab? Why is he okay to be around his other children and not our son?

My confusion comes from the fact that I noticed a change in him halfway through his rehab stay. When I asked he said that he was trying to focus on himself. So I started to see this behavior while he was "sober." I told him over and over that I was okay with him needing space after rehab. That I supported anything he needed to do to stay sober and well. He reassured me on multiple occasions that he wanted to be with me and that he couldn't wait to see us. Although, I still noticed him to be a bit distant. He made a comment that really haunts me. He said, "you have no idea how hard it is to want something so bad and not know how to do it without ruining it." He told me he didnt want to feel anything - happy, sad, etc. That he couldnt handle having to feel emotions. The next day is when he said he'd come over, that he loved us, etc and he never did. So I sorta saw this coming while he was in rehab, "sober." That's why I'm so confused. What happened that caused him to run away from us? He said we were all he wanted and that started to disappear .... Could he have realized in rehab that he didnt want to stay sober? Did the theraflu trigger something? Or does he blame me - am I a trigger? Because he still communicates with his ex and their children. It's just me he ran from. I know a lot of times he doesn't like telling me things because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. But wouldn't a person in recovery be honest? His counselor told me that he believed my ABF really did want to be with me, but that a part of him was resisting. But after hearing how he lied, he told me that he'll never change and it was time for me to let him go. HIS REHAB COUNSELOR TOLD ME THIS!

I love him, but I know I don't want to be with him anymore. I know this relationship is over. He never even had the guts to break up with me... this is the second time he disappears this way. The first time he moved out without notice while I was at work. He didnt speak to us for a month. This rehab stay was his way of showing me he was willing to change so we could be a family again! Why go through all that just to leave us again. Why ask me to open up my heart again just to crush it all over again. I understand there is no logic behind addiction... but I don't understand how this started to happen while he was "sober"...
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Re: Post Rehab - What just happened?

Postby avaneesh912 » Sun Dec 04, 2016 5:47 am

Read and understand the serenity prayer and you find the answer.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Post Rehab - What just happened?

Postby PuppyEars » Sun Dec 04, 2016 7:16 am

I don't understand how this started to happen while he was "sober"

Well you came to the right place to have some of your questions answered, welcome to the forum.
A great speaker said once, rehabs blow us up like a balloon while we are in there, but the second we get out, it's like someone lets go of that inflated balloon and we end up all over the place. Words can't explain how spot-on accurate that analogy is for guys like me. AA literature talks about being sober as just a beginning. There are normally other underlying issues that if left untreated, can cause us to behave in the same manner as when we were getting loaded. The program of AA is designed specifically to help with them issues. This stuff goes way beyond the bottle.
On a more personal note, I too was the guy bouncing back and forth between two families and the truth was, I was lying, cheating and stealing from both of them. The best thing the mothers ever could of did was kick me out of their lives. Although at the time it didn't feel that way to me.
I sympathize with what you have been through and I hope brighter days are ahead for you and yours.
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Re: Post Rehab - What just happened?

Postby Confused16 » Sun Dec 04, 2016 10:26 am

PuppyEars: thanks so much for your insight!!! I've been attending al-anon meetings, CoDa and planning to attend my first AA meetIng today. Knowledge is power is my case and it's what gives me the will to keep going. they have been helping a lot, but there's nothing like hearing it from the perspective of a person who's been on the other side.

I'm having a hard time understanding why he wouldn't just tell me it wouldn't work, or that he needed time. Specially since I told him I understood! Even worse, why would he say he loved, wanted to make things work and was coming over, simply to block us from his life!!! Why not just ignore me all together and not say those things. I'm scared he'll try to come back. I'm scared he'll use needing my help as an excuse. He did that last time. I wish I just had an idea what to expect.

Thanks again for your insight.
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Re: Post Rehab - What just happened?

Postby Layne » Sun Dec 04, 2016 10:56 am

Why? Why? Why? That question drove me crazy for years. I was totally focused on that question. I felt the answer to that question would be "the" answer. I was expecting the past to hold the answer to my future...however what I needed was the solution and that could only be found in the present.

When I finally accepted that 'why" wasn't important, but "how" was because that is the present; then I could finally start to live in the solution and experience the better way of life that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous promised to this alcoholic.

Why is the past, I can't change it. How is the present, I can change it and my future.

I still try to remember and apply this train of thought in my daily life today. The amazing thing is that when I don't pursue "why", the answer to the question "why" comes.
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Re: Post Rehab - What just happened?

Postby Confused16 » Sun Dec 04, 2016 11:14 am

Thank you, Layne. I just wish I understood why he could be around his other children but not our son. I truly believed this person loved us. It's becoming clearer everyday that maybe I was wrong.
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Re: Post Rehab - What just happened?

Postby PaigeB » Sun Dec 04, 2016 12:22 pm

I am not sure Love has anything to do with it. The book says "we are driven by 100 forms of fear..." and I think that might be what is going on with any alcoholic new to the program. I was sure I had 1000 forms of fear! And I am still driven by them at times, though it is easier for me to see them today and to find the Solution.

Try to think of him as a sick person getting well. It might be good to think of yourself in the same way and concentrate on how you are going to move forward Just For Today....
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Post Rehab - What just happened?

Postby Blue Moon » Sun Dec 04, 2016 12:48 pm

What makes you think he was sober? What does "sober" mean anyway? If it means "physically not drinking", that's one definition. But there's also the definition of being of sound mind and body. As soon as we quit drinking, we are physically sober, but mentally and emotionally we still have every reason to do what we did before. Especially so if our reasons for quitting were not entirely based on self-interest.

So your situation is with one who is (or may be) physically sober, but still has a long way to go before being of sound mind. He's still telling you what he thinks you want to hear, yet with no intention of being reliable, honourable or trustworthy with the follow-through.

It may help you to go to Alanon, because the real question for you is why you're sitting by the phone for any longer than 2 minutes for a recently-dry drunk to do what they said they'd do, when they said they'd do it.
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Re: Post Rehab - What just happened?

Postby Confused16 » Mon Dec 05, 2016 2:17 pm

Thank you, PaigeB. It's just hard to believe he could love me the way he said he did and still do this. The whole point of going to rehab was because HE wanted to come back home and I told him that's what he had to do. It just doesn't make sense. Understanding the disease and learning to be patient is a lot of work. It requires a lot of constant effort on my part. I'm forcing myself to attend all types of meetings - Al-Anon, CoDa, AA and even finding my way back to having a closer connection with my HP. It's hard, but easier as the days go by. You are right, he is a sick person. I knew this from the first day I met him. My gut told me to run away but I didn't listen. Here I am today learning a very hard lesson. I love him and I hope one day he can break free from his addictions. I'm learning to leave this in my HP's hands and trusting Him with everything related to my x-ABF and his addictions.

Blue Moon: You are absolutely right. Unfortunately, after this long silent treatment from him, I no longer believe he is sober. I think it was too much for him too soon. Going to Al-anon meetings, reading these message boards, material, books, etc has really forced me to accept this situation. It's scary to know the power alcohol can have over people. It's made it so much more real and pushing me to accept my part in everything. I was a total codependent partner, pushing too hard. I've come to accept that there was absolutely NOTHING I could do to make him change. I'm not that powerful, but I pray my HP can help him change. I think right now I'm just dealing with the shock that he blocked me from his phone, lol. We have a 17 month old baby and I'm pregnant. I guess I should really take that as all I need to know about this person as it speaks volumes.

Thanks for all the comments. It REALLY helps to hear the other side of things. It helps me process and accept everything that's going on.
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Re: Post Rehab - What just happened?

Postby PuppyEars » Mon Dec 05, 2016 4:42 pm

The whole point of going to rehab was because HE wanted to come back home and I told him that's what he had to do. It just doesn't make sense.

I'm having a hard time understanding why he wouldn't just tell me it wouldn't work, or that he needed time. Specially since I told him I understood! Even worse, why would he say he loved, wanted to make things work and was coming over, simply to block us from his life!!! Why not just ignore me all together and not say those things

During my ping pong between families days, I selfishly wanted them to hold a spot at the table for me even if I wasn't there. I had a huge sense of entitlement and carried the mentality of "you will accept me into your life when I say so, and never do I have to accept how that might make you feel". It was like I was a coach of a basketball game; if one of the mothers wasn't giving me what I wanted, I'd sit her on the bench and put the other mother in the game. Real sick and twisted. I was so good at manipulating them both, that eventually I had it set up to where they each knew when I would be with the other and they would be okay with it!

These two women have still not fully untwisted from my actions and it's been years since this all went down. I pray you don't end up a victim and it's great you are seeking help.
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Re: Post Rehab - What just happened?

Postby Confused16 » Mon Dec 05, 2016 5:19 pm

Thanks so much for sharing, PuppyEars. I find so much strength in stories like yours. It's not like I don't know these things, it just makes it so much more real when i hear it from someone else. It's sad the things you come to realize when you remove yourself from the situation. That's why I'm trying my hardest to stay proactive and constantly on these boards. The more I read, learn, hear, the more determined I am to never let this happen again. I NEVER want to go back to living the way I did. I'm at the point where I have accepted that this is the end of us. His ex-wife has put up with this behavior for 15 years. I was fortunate enough that it only last about 2.5 for me. I NEVER in a million years thought that I'd be THAT girl. I always thought I was smarter than this... talk about a humbling experience.

Thanks again for sharing your stories. You have no idea how much it helps.
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Re: Post Rehab - What just happened?

Postby Noels » Mon Dec 05, 2016 11:43 pm

Kick him out of your head and heart and Sue him for maintenance for your kids hon. It's not about you anymore. You now have to do what's best for your kids.
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Re: Post Rehab - What just happened?

Postby PuppyEars » Tue Dec 06, 2016 3:20 am

and Sue him for maintenance for your kids

Or, be an even stronger woman, do not react out of spite like this suggestion, and tell yourself you do not need anyone to help support the children you helped bring into the world. That you will go to any lengths for them including working 3 jobs. The object here is not to create a bitter and burned up person that feels like she deserves a lifetime handout because her heart was broken.
Rise above.
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Re: Post Rehab - What just happened?

Postby Lali » Tue Dec 06, 2016 1:18 pm

PuppyEars wrote:
and Sue him for maintenance for your kids

Or, be an even stronger woman, do not react out of spite like this suggestion, and tell yourself you do not need anyone to help support the children you helped bring into the world. That you will go to any lengths for them including working 3 jobs. The object here is not to create a bitter and burned up person that feels like she deserves a lifetime handout because her heart was broken.
Rise above.


Who says this would be out of spite? The way I see it this guy has been let off the hook for every bad behavior he has had towards his girlfriend and the ex. It's like this is his world and everyone else is just living in it. Why let him off the hook monetarily? As the father, he owes it to his children to provide some financial support and I think he should be held accountable. Otherwise, he may just keep fathering children knowing that there is no consequence to that. He needs to man up and assist in the financial support for his children. This story is exactly what a friend of mine was dealing with, i.e., the back and forth between her and the ex with my friend being willing to take him back every time he wanted to come back (somehow not believing he was sleeping with the ex as he was "only there for the children".) I'm willing to bet big money that this dude hardly, IF EVER, works as there is no need for him to - he has the two women to mooch off of and his mother as well. I cannot believe that anyone would suggest that this woman should work 3 jobs to support her kids while this guy is off the hook! How on earth does a mother accepting financial help from the father mean that she is week! It is the right thing to do!

Confused, does your ex-AFB work a full time job? Is he, like my friend's ex, unemployed more often than employed? Do you believe he will pay support if you ask him to?
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Re: Post Rehab - What just happened?

Postby Confused16 » Tue Dec 06, 2016 2:00 pm

Lali: UGH! I hate knowing I'm THAT girl. How in the world did I end up here? Seriously? What happened to me that I really accepted such BULLSH*T from him. It amazes me that there's people like me out there, lol. That there's people like HIM out there. His ex would tell me that there was nothing between them. That she had a boyfriend that she loved. But it seems like her boyfriends were on a revolving door, too. I'm putting a lot of the puzzle pieces together. My ex has a serious drinking problem, and was hooked on xanax. What I'm realizing now is that he was also on something else like speed. A few weeks after he moved he sent me some really vicious texts because I wasn't responding the way he expected me to. I seriously think he was starting to lose his mind.

I already filed for child support back in August when he moved out. They've been trying to serve him since October. I'm not sure if he's working since he's been out of rehab or if he had his disability extended. It seems working for him is the only thing he knows how to do well. It's the only routine he knows/follows. For my sake i hope he is working. I don't think I would have filed had it not been for the fact that he pays a good penny for his other children and spends quite a bit of time with them. He spends absolutely no time with our son and refuses to help. I had no choice.

I love coming on these boards and reading what everyone has to say. Specially when people speak from experience (or a friend's experience as they can relate to mine). It helps to remind me that this isn't the life for me. I don't EXPECT this person to ever reach out again, but if he does, I want to make sure I'm ready and can reinforce my boundaries. Thanks again for sharing!
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