He broke up with me for his recovery....

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He broke up with me for his recovery....

Postby Confused1221 » Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:06 pm

Hi, I am not sure if I am posting in the right place but nothing on the Internet seems to help me. I met this amazing guy and we hit it off so fast. Everything felt easy and comfortable. From the first day he told me he was currently in recovery, about 4 months at the time. He was also newly divorced and he told me he can't do relationships or feelings because his only focus is his recovery. So we stayed friends, friendship turned into hours of talking. We live 2800 miles apart so long distance made things slow down but get things got serious fast. We connected and everything was easy and healthy. It was the first healthy relationship I ever had. We both were on same page. I knew he couldn't be too serious because the number one rule of recovery is no relationships but of course we thought we were different. We thought as long as he was being smart and healthy we were ok. Then after 2 months we had our first argument, was a bit intense and his mind right away went to dark places. The whole thing lasted 10 minutes and that was it. But later when we discussed it, he said he didn't like how dark his mind went and how he felt the need for a pill or a drink in that moment. Then he said he realized why you're not allowed to be in relationships for a year after recovery. And no matter how he feels, he can't be in a relationship. He can't risk his sobriety. He said it's life or death for him and it's not his first time getting clean. He cares about me a lot, I don't doubt that. We arw trying to stay friends because our connection is that strong that we both don't wanna lose it just because we can't be in a relationship. I am wondering if I am making a mistake being friends. Everyone says you can't be friends with an ex but I feel that because he is focusing on recovery and because we didn't end bec he wanted to or I wanted to... And we are long distance, maybe this situation isn't typical. People say no such thing as bad timing, it's just the wrong person. But again this is quite a unique situation as his reasons were solely because he can't risk his sobriety or his life... I would appreciate any advice from anyone about this. I feel like my heart is broken. Like I met the right person at the right time. Then a part of me feels like I am being naive. Like shouldnt he have fought to be with me? Could he have even? Any advice is appreciated. I don't feel anyone gets it because they're not in recovery and I am. Not either but I have seen what he deals with...
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Re: He broke up with me for his recovery....

Postby avaneesh912 » Mon Oct 24, 2016 3:39 am

A book like Power of Now has some great insight into how the ego operates in people. There is a chapter "Enlightened Relationship" in the book Power of Now which may help you get over this and move on. The other book "A New earth" is also great one where he talks about how the mind carries these conversation in the head, the drama. Nobody else is required. Let go and be glad that it didn't get nasty. If you are more interested in the 12 steps, maybe you can join the fellowship of Al-anon.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: He broke up with me for his recovery....

Postby PuppyEars » Mon Oct 24, 2016 6:42 am

You do not know someone until you physically share a living space with them.

If it is just phone calls, then treat it as such. If you are arguing long distance then there is a reason it is long distance at the moment.

You might be being spared and are unaware.
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Re: He broke up with me for his recovery....

Postby Confused1221 » Mon Oct 24, 2016 7:03 am

I don't think I was totally clear. We never argued except for that one time when we were together for ten minutes. It was long distance but we saw each other every 2 weeks and it was always amazing. It was more than just phone calls, he met my family, I met his... It was like we were together 10 years. He just told me he can't be in a relationship due to his recovery because the number one cause of relapse is relationship. This is someone who I think is amazing. He was always nice, respectful and treated me like a queen. I am just wondering if us staying friends is a good idea. Usually with an ex it is not but because the situation is different, he wants to be with me but can't risk his recovery, I am wondering if we can be friends and in each other lives
Last edited by Confused1221 on Mon Oct 24, 2016 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: He broke up with me for his recovery....

Postby Brock » Mon Oct 24, 2016 7:21 am

And no matter how he feels, he can't be in a relationship. He can't risk his sobriety. He said it's life or death for him and it's not his first time getting clean.

For most of us here it was also a life or death situation, and I am glad you understand his reasoning. I would just let things develop at his pace, if he thinks remaining friends is something he is comfortable with that's fine, it may not be easy on you because you may want more. But time goes quite fast, and as he becomes more comfortable with his recovery the relationship can develop further. If things work out he will be grateful that you had the patience to wait on him, you sound like the sort of lady many of us wished we had on our side, best of luck to you both.
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Re: He broke up with me for his recovery....

Postby Layne » Mon Oct 24, 2016 7:31 am

I am wondering if we can be friends and in each other lives

Does a decision on that have to be made today?
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Re: He broke up with me for his recovery....

Postby avaneesh912 » Mon Oct 24, 2016 7:33 am

When you thought you knew a person and then you are suddenly confronted with this alien, nasty creature for the first time, you are in for quite a shock. However, it's more important to observe it in yourself than in someone else. Watch out for any sign of unhappiness in yourself, in whatever form - it may be the awakening pain-body. This can take the form of irritation, impatience, a somber mood, a desire to hurt, anger, rage, depression, a need to have some drama in your relationship, and so on. Catch it the moment it awakens from its dormant state.


The above is from the Power of now book. Something happened that triggered the pain body to awaken in him that 10 minutes. Read more of Eckharts work you will see how the ego operates in everyone. Doing so, you could awaken to your lifes purpose.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: He broke up with me for his recovery....

Postby Confused1221 » Mon Oct 24, 2016 7:53 am

Brock wrote:
And no matter how he feels, he can't be in a relationship. He can't risk his sobriety. He said it's life or death for him and it's not his first time getting clean.

For most of us here it was also a life or death situation, and I am glad you understand his reasoning. I would just let things develop at his pace, if he thinks remaining friends is something he is comfortable with that's fine, it may not be easy on you because you may want more. But time goes quite fast, and as he becomes more comfortable with his recovery the relationship can develop further. If things work out he will be grateful that you had the patience to wait on him, you sound like the sort of lady many of us wished we had on our side, best of luck to you both.



He does want to be friends. He values me in his life. He realizes our connection is very unique. He just tells me. He doesn't know how to Dela with his emotions and feelings which makes him unstable right now for a relationship. We actually spent the last weekend together with my family as friends. He wouldn't have done that if he didn't want me in his life. It's just a hard situation because I don't think people who aren't familiar with recovery can understand why I want to be friends or keep him around after he ended it. It's because I understand that he ended it because he had to not because he wanted to.
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Re: He broke up with me for his recovery....

Postby Confused1221 » Mon Oct 24, 2016 7:54 am

Layne wrote:
I am wondering if we can be friends and in each other lives

Does a decision on that have to be made today?


Well we just spent the weekend together with my family as friends. I can't imagine him not in my life at all. I don't see why we can't be friends when his reasoning for not being with me is because he has to not bec he wants to.
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Re: He broke up with me for his recovery....

Postby Confused1221 » Mon Oct 24, 2016 1:26 pm

avaneesh912 wrote:
When you thought you knew a person and then you are suddenly confronted with this alien, nasty creature for the first time, you are in for quite a shock. However, it's more important to observe it in yourself than in someone else. Watch out for any sign of unhappiness in yourself, in whatever form - it may be the awakening pain-body. This can take the form of irritation, impatience, a somber mood, a desire to hurt, anger, rage, depression, a need to have some drama in your relationship, and so on. Catch it the moment it awakens from its dormant state.


The above is from the Power of now book. Something happened that triggered the pain body to awaken in him that 10 minutes. Read more of Eckharts work you will see how the ego operates in everyone. Doing so, you could awaken to your lifes purpose.




I know what happened in those 10 minutes was his mind freaking out because it bright up old triggers for him. From his previous marriage and from his past. He said that all couples fight and all couples have these arguments which are normal and healthy it was HIS reaction that wasn't healthy normal. Because he is only 6 months sober he doesn't feel he is emotionally stable or ready to deal with his emotions properly. His mind still goes dark so fast the second any kind of emotion is bright forward or any triggers come up
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Re: He broke up with me for his recovery....

Postby Lali » Mon Oct 24, 2016 4:58 pm

Confused1221 wrote:Like shouldnt he have fought to be with me? Could he have even? Any advice is appreciated. I don't feel anyone gets it because they're not in recovery and I am. Not either but I have seen what he deals with...


IMO he's doing the right thing. Recovery has to come first. Anything that we put before our recovery we stand to lose. The argument you had just proves that recovery has to come first. He went to a "dark place" - just what we need to avoid in early recovery. He felt that his sobriety was being threatened and he acted accordingly. You asked if you can still be friends. How does he feel about it? I would say that the most important thing is that he not feel pressured. Let him tell you how he feels and then accept that. If you are meant to be together, IMO, it will happen, but in the time frame it's meant to happen in. If you are one who believes in prayer, why not pray about this?
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Re: He broke up with me for his recovery....

Postby Confused1221 » Mon Oct 24, 2016 7:06 pm

Lali wrote:
Confused1221 wrote:Like shouldnt he have fought to be with me? Could he have even? Any advice is appreciated. I don't feel anyone gets it because they're not in recovery and I am. Not either but I have seen what he deals with...


IMO he's doing the right thing. Recovery has to come first. Anything that we put before our recovery we stand to lose. The argument you had just proves that recovery has to come first. He went to a "dark place" - just what we need to avoid in early recovery. He felt that his sobriety was being threatened and he acted accordingly. You asked if you can still be friends. How does he feel about it? I would say that the most important thing is that he not feel pressured. Let him tell you how he feels and then accept that. If you are meant to be together, IMO, it will happen, but in the time frame it's meant to happen in. If you are one who believes in prayer, why not pray about this?


Thanks for your response @Lali, I know in my heart of heart he is doing the right thing for his recovery. Just like I know he cares about me and is only doing this because he has to to save his life. He said that his reaction isn't normal, and I did nothing wrong. It just showed him he isn't ready to deal with anyone else's emotions because he can't even Deal with his own yet. He is the one who wanted to be friends. I thought at first I couldn't bec i felt rejected and abandoned. But I see now that this isn't about me but him and he's so special and what we have is special, I don't wanna lose the friendship. He came to me for the weekend because he feels the same way. He knows what we have is unique and we connect in a way we don't with other people. I am trying to pray to God on this. I just wish there was an easier way to handle this.... I would love to hear from people in recovery so I know that I am not being foolish by thinking this has nothing to do with me. I guess I am looking for validaton or any type of answers for comfort
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Re: He broke up with me for his recovery....

Postby Layne » Mon Oct 24, 2016 10:16 pm

To me, it sounds like it is all about recovery, which is not a bad thing. Bottom line is that without recovery, we have nothing, so first things first. We have to learn love ourselves before we can possibly experience the wonders of a healthy love with someone else.

On a side note, my wife and I became friends before we became lovers. I think that is one of the reasons we have been together for thirty years. We each married our best friend.

On a further side note, I love my blood family, but I couldn't live with them.
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Re: He broke up with me for his recovery....

Postby avaneesh912 » Tue Oct 25, 2016 3:46 am

I just wish there was an easier way to handle this....


Look at what caused that friction in the first place. Try not to repeat that. But I doubt it will vanish that quickly. Some strains take longer time to hear. Sit and make amends with each other. Forgiving frees up your mind for greater things.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: He broke up with me for his recovery....

Postby Confused1221 » Tue Oct 25, 2016 7:37 am

avaneesh912 wrote:
I just wish there was an easier way to handle this....


Look at what caused that friction in the first place. Try not to repeat that. But I doubt it will vanish that quickly. Some strains take longer time to hear. Sit and make amends with each other. Forgiving frees up your mind for greater things.




There was no real strain, it was a 10 min argument over something very silly that in a regular relationship would have blown over. I forgive him because I know he cares about me immensely and he is doing this because he has to, not wants to. We are trying to be friends but i keep worrying how we will deal with it. Our connection and our feelings for each other domt just go away because we can't be together right now.
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