On her way to alcoholism?

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On her way to alcoholism?

Postby Joevasion » Mon Jul 18, 2016 3:22 pm

Hello, this is my first post ever here and I feel like this is the only place where I can get some answers, I'm not even sure if I'm posting in the right section, so PLEASE move it if you feel it would get more attention in another one.

First a little backstory on her: she is 23, currently hangs out with what I feel is the wrong crowd, grew up with just her dad raising her because her mom was an abusive alcoholic, and she really watched her go through it pretty much from when she was a toddler to a teenager. Her mom is better now and they have a pretty decent relationship.

A little more backstory for the main problem: we were dating for a while and I moved to the city to be with her and everything was going fine, and then I got hit with a bad bout of depression last year. Now her and I have talked about this, it's really no one's fault because I don't expect anyone who is not familiar with depression to know how to deal with someone with depression, but what she did do is instead of trying to make anything better at all, she pretty much just left me alone in the apartment and started going out with her friends a lot and drinking to deal with the issue. I can't say I blame her for doing that, no one wants to sit there and go through it, but there was no trying to fix it at all. She just disappeared. Then she stopped coming home, but that's a whole other story.

Fast forward to now, we are broken up but still talk and I still love her so much and her actions are concerning me. I've recently learned of a lot of things that she has been doing for a while now, this lifestyle she has where she goes out pretty much at least five nights out of the week and drinks, whether it be a minimum of two drinks or a maximum of I don't know how many but she's drunk. She then proceeds to drive home every night, it doesn't matter how many drinks she has in her. When I first caught her drinking and driving many months ago when we still were dating and lived together, I confronted her about it and really gave her a hard time for it because it's a super selfish act that cannot only hurt her but literally anyone else. Of course it was denial. One example of the time, i came into the bedroom to find her passed out in bed and making a weird kind of heaving sound. I felt like she was going to vomit so I grabbed a bucket, picked her up from sleep, woke her as best I could, put her head over the pail and insane amounts of vomit came out. I had to turn my head away because it smelled so strongly of alcohol, I couldn't take it [I do not drink ever]. While she was sitting up, I noticed something on her shoulder: dried vomit. She had already vomited LYING DOWN, it was on her shoulder and her pillow. Easily could have died, downplayed the situation.


As time went on, of course there was more denial of going out drinking every night, but I have heard from her best friends who are also her drinking buddies just how much they go out and one girl even joked about "how often they all drink and drive and they really should stop LOL". Hearing that made me sick to my stomach, I had no idea that she would sink that low and it really broke my heart. So the past few weeks I have really been confronting her about her actions and she is in complete denial about what she does. I keep telling her that she is on her way to alcoholism, I'm afraid she's going to follow in her mother's footsteps, but instead of listening she just yells at me and tries to tell me that me talking about alcoholism and her is me basically just name-calling. That is super insulting in itself because I would never take something like that lightly or ever joke around about it. She tells me she "literally lived through it and saw it from the outside" and what she is doing isn't the same thing. I try to tell her that there is not one simple formula or criteria for alcoholism, it can be a number of things. I tried to break down her actions saying that it's similar to the start of an alcoholic or at least on the path to alcoholism but she seems to think they are normal, I absolutely do not and I am here to ask you people who have more knowledge than me what you think about the situation. Currently here are her actions:

• Going out at least 5 out of 7 nights of the week [confirmed by many sources]
• Having at least 2 mixed drinks when she goes out, usually more [confirmed by multiple sources]
• Drinking and driving regularly, doesn't matter what shape she is in, even though it would literally be a $3-5 Uber ride [confirmed by multiple sources, they all do it too]
• Is past due and delinquent on ALL her bills due to her lifestyle of going out and eating and drinking every night [confirmed by me, saw all the bills and still currently owes me money]
• Drinks to escape her problems [had a drink with her similar alcoholic friend last night, we got into an argument, led to her drinking more and still driving home]
• Drinks on weeknights regardless of what time work is the next day

Now she says I am crazy, I say she's on the road to alcoholism. It is not an IF but a WHEN that she will get a DUI or DWI, which will lead to her losing her license which will then lead to her losing her job. She downplays all of this. I really do not know what to do, I've tried to sit her down and real talk her, normal serious conversation, no yelling. When I sat her down the other day for another serious talk and told her she was going down the path of her mom, she immediately got really upset and cried with no denial or backtalk. When I brought it up today, she became super angry and lashed out at me, told me I'm wrong and I have no idea what's going on, she doesn't even go out that much, said it all isn't true, said that I am insulting her, etc, a serious bunch of denial. Even though we are broken up and not on great terms and she has put me through HELL the past few months, I love her so much and do not want to see her do bad or anything happen to her. I'm not sure what else to do. ANY help is appreciated! Thanks.
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Re: On her way to alcoholism?

Postby avaneesh912 » Mon Jul 18, 2016 6:35 pm

The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.


Unfortunately the person has to realize this. We can only share our experience. Because this is a mental issue, very little can be done.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: On her way to alcoholism?

Postby Noels » Tue Jul 19, 2016 12:36 am

Hi Joe, thanks for sharing your concerns with us. I agree with Avaneesh. She is not ready to consider that she may be an alcoholic. The chats have been good though as when her time comes she will remember your chats and hopefully be honest enough with herself at that time to take action.
At this stage you can either let her be and just be a friend when she needs one or break ties. For your own sanity and peace of mind.
Good luck and thanks again for your share.
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Noels xxx
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Re: On her way to alcoholism?

Postby Spirit Flower » Tue Jul 19, 2016 7:41 am

Don't sign yourself up for a lifetime of caring for a drunk. Or make any babies.
If she chooses to get sober, and after a year or so, then see if a relationship is possible.
...a score card reading zero...
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Re: On her way to alcoholism?

Postby PaigeB » Tue Jul 19, 2016 9:58 am

As AA came to fruition, another program came up right along side of it. It began in the kitchens with the wives of their alcoholic husbands and is now for all friends and family of the alcoholic. It is called Alanon and you can find them anywhere you find AA. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/find-a-meeting
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: On her way to alcoholism?

Postby Joevasion » Tue Jul 19, 2016 2:58 pm

I want to thank you all for the honest answers even though they hurt. I think I have decided that I am going to go have a sit-down with her father and her mother, separately, and let them know what is going on. They are pretty much the only ones she will listen to, especially her dad. Drastic times calls for drastic measures.
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Re: On her way to alcoholism?

Postby Feeya » Thu Aug 04, 2016 12:14 pm

I agree with the others...
You can either step away emotionally and just be a friend, or step away completely and give her the dignity to her own experience.
That is what I needed. Despite people telling me to stop, what it took was for me to experience my very own bottom in order to UNDERSTAND that I needed to stop.

Good luck!
One day at a time.
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Re: On her way to alcoholism?

Postby Joevasion » Sat Aug 06, 2016 6:37 am

Feeya wrote:I agree with the others...
You can either step away emotionally and just be a friend, or step away completely and give her the dignity to her own experience.
That is what I needed. Despite people telling me to stop, what it took was for me to experience my very own bottom in order to UNDERSTAND that I needed to stop.

Good luck!



I DO get that, I do, but MAN is it hard to actually SEE that happen.

Plus rock bottom for what she is doing COULD POSSIBLY BE injury or death for her or others, so that is SUPER hard to let go.
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Re: On her way to alcoholism?

Postby whipping post » Sat Aug 06, 2016 1:58 pm

Joe,

I knew I was an alcoholic at your girlfriends age but nothing would have stopped me then. It took another 21 years for me to finally hit my bottom. That's a long time for you to be miserable Joe. Both you and her and if you have kids them too. As Feeya said, we each have to hit our own bottom. If you care about her the best thing you might do is explain why you are letting her go and then do it. Also get some support for yourself. Alanon or similar.

And as far as her possibly hurting herself or someone else. If it happens it happens. You can't save her or protect her. It will drive you crazy with worry and anger.

I wish you the best. I'm sorry if all this sounds harsh but it really is from the heart. I'm sorry you are going through this.
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