Dry Alchoholic

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Dry Alchoholic

Postby cinmarc » Thu Jul 07, 2016 6:33 am

Hi,

I am on this site because I am trying to understand my wife who has been sober for 3 years now. 3 Yrs ago my wife went into rehab because I did an intervention and she accepted to go. We had been having problems for several years for different reasons, but they were very exaggerated because of her drunkenness. When she went into the rehab she extremely angry with me, not because of going into rehab, but because of the flaws she complained I had. While in rehab, she hired a lawyer and was divorcing me. When she got out of rehab she moved to a different state and I did not see her or communicate for almost 5 months. During that time, I did what I am doing now and visited this site to talk to woman ,primarily, to see if this was normal. I had read throughout these months that the brain of an alcoholic is altered because of the excessive drinking as well as their personality. I received many replys from both woman and men that confirmed this and they also said the rule of thumb i would be for her to wait at least a year before making life decisions. So then in the 6th month I got a call from her asking if we can meet. With the love I always had for her i agreed. As it turns out she had become more like her old self and not the angry person that she became. After have many days of talks we got back together. It has now been 3 years and now again she is divorcing me. About 6 months ago she started to change again. She was going through a few stresses. Her job, her sister and her mother all became triggers as she call them. She also started sleeping less and was always tired.I was there to listen and my shoulder to cry on. I had stopped drinking myself after we reconciled because I too needed to stop, but also because I believed that to maintain her sobriety I should not drink or have alcohol in the home. I did not enable her, but did stand by her side. Eventually her mother and sister started getting along better and the stress eased up enough that they were no longer triggers. Here is where my question of Dry Drunk or anything type of explanation would help me comes in. After the stress eased from her family, she started finding things I said and did wrong. Many of them were related to what she complained about were the same as 3 years ago. I worked very hard in therapy to work on these issues then and it worked. When back together we agreed that if I or herself show signs of an old habit we would tell the other and talk about it so we were aware. I only mentioned this is because the present complaints became like knee jerk reactions to 3 years before. I and others who know her and myself noticed how she criticized and became abusive with her words to me when either I did nothing or a very mild version old the old habit. I will say I am not perfect or an angel at times, but not enough for her to act like she did in the past when she was drunk. Since our separation this time has also become confrontational with others. She even now has called my adult daughter toxic because she disagreed with her. With me and others I have been told, if we disagree with her on a topic or opinion, she cuts them off and cuts them down with her venomous words. She is now big on telling the truth, which should be, but if no one can have an opinion than even if she is wrong it still is her truth in her mind. She puts on a good show for everyone now saying she is happy, and maybe she is, but I think that she is her own trigger because she tosses me and others out of her life because she cannot accept her own faults. She also has not gone to AA meetings in the 3 years we are back together. She has regained her faith and has been going to church and feels as long as there is a connection with G-d she is OK.

I know your opinion or the education you hopefully will help me with will not get her back to me as the divorce is a few days away from being final, but after 43 years of marriage I still love her and care about her health. She got rid of me because she felt I threatened her sobriety instead of going to marriage counseling probably because she would have to look at her own faults. MY LAST QUESTION i WOULD LIKE AN OPINION ON IS WHETHER THE MOTTO, "YOUR SOBRIETY ALWAYS COMES FIRST", means that my love for her and our marriage do not count enough to try and hold onto it.

Thank you
cinmarc
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Re: Dry Alchoholic

Postby Noels » Thu Jul 07, 2016 8:04 am

Hi Cinmarc, thanks for sharing with us. I am an alcoholic female, been married for 21 years and ive just responded in another thread that the people who are with me now (the important people in my life) are the same sober people who stood by me while I was drunk so no, I would not give them up for AA but the awesome thing in my life is that AA does not ask me to give them up. As I said they are sober. They don't drink and even some of them who are normal drinkers do not drink in my presence which seems to be what you did trying to assist your wife ? I know of quite a number of people who are sober alcoholics still living with flat out every day drinking alcoholics and somehow they make it work. No person can force us or affect us so badly that we take a drink. It is our choice to drink or not to drink.

The problem seems to be that your wife did not continue with her spiritual program as suggested in our 12 step program of recovery? There is a difference between " spiritual " and " religion ". My personal explanation on this is that " spiritual " allows me to talk to and hear from my God direct whereas " religion " allows me to talk to my God direct but receiving His responses from another human being. Please note this is my PERSONAL belief and does not mean that religion is wrong.

So by saying that your wife neglected meetings in her 3 years of sobriety tells me she possibly didn't complete the 12 step program nor was she surrounded by or communicated with her " own " - alcoholics - the ones who understand her disease.

At this stage I feel to let happen what must happen and once its happened pick up the pieces of your life and create yourself a new life. Perhaps a visit or two to Al-Anon will help you to work through your own pain which is not such a bad idea?

Then you go be everything that you possibly can be and even more. The past is behind us and can never be changed. The future is ahead of us and could possibly not be. Today is all we've got so make it great. :D

Love and Light
Noels
There is only Love
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Re: Dry Alchoholic

Postby Barbara D. » Thu Jul 07, 2016 9:25 am

You seem to have spent all your energy figuring out what makes your wife tick. I would suggest you take your own inventory, look at your own fears, how you've held onto a marriage regardless of incompatibilities on both sides. Forty-three years! That is impressive! How many of those years would you say were more ups than downs?

I think my husband wanted to save our marriage because of his religious beliefs. He admitted he was just as miserable as I was. In a way, "belonging to each other" had become a property thing. We did not have co-dependency issues, though. He was just trying to maintain his "male head of household" position, but he was killing my spirit. We disagreed on a lot of important things, and he was always right which meant I was not entitled to a different opinion. In the end, I went through with the divorce because I didn't think I could maintain sobriety if I stayed with him. I knew our 2 kids were going to be hurt either way. It was awful for a while. But it all worked out.

All I really have to share is my experience, strength, and hope. During the process of our divorce, we were both crazy..it was an emotional rollarcoaster. I learned that there was no point in trying to figure out who was 51% at fault. Our love, for whatever reason, had turned destructive and was tearing us both apart. It was also important that I concentrate on what I was going to do, not on how I could psycho-analyze him and become his therapist.

I don't know if I said anything that triggered something you can relate to, but I tried. I found it a bit confusing to attend AA and Al-Anon meetings at the same time (my father had drinking problems), but some folks can do both and get a lot out of it.

Good luck, Barbara D, alcoholic.
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Re: Dry Alchoholic

Postby cinmarc » Thu Jul 07, 2016 10:33 am

Thank you both for your input. I do go to al anon, but wanted a perspective from your side. In answer to our relationship thru the years, it was 80% great and 20% iffy. But after reconciliation and October it was great and that was mutual.

Thanks
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