Stressed Out Date Won't Get Back to Me

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Stressed Out Date Won't Get Back to Me

Postby Libero » Mon Jun 06, 2016 8:08 am

Hey everyone,

This is partly a dating/"How to handle a possible relapse situation" question. I went on a third date with this woman. The first two dates were great; she's 7 months sober, goes to AA about four times a week. I'm not sure what step she's on, I never asked.

The day of our third date was really trying for her. She has a very stressful job, which made her a half hour late meeting me (I didn't care, she seemed more stressed about it than me). On our way to the restaurant, she was itching for a cigarette, but she was out. And at the restaurant, she confessed that she wanted to drink, even looked at the menu briefly. She refrained from it, but as we waited for the food, her eyes started to get watery and it looked like she was trying to hold in something...It didn't help that we got the worst service from our waitress, and it seemed like it was because we were the only table who wasn't drinking. She got really pissed; bartenders were giving her weird looks the entire weekend for not drinking. We left and got her some smokes.

When we got to her place, it was really hot, which didn't help at all. Throughout the entire night, I wasn't really sure what to say, and the few attempts I made to have a conversation didn't really go anywhere. I teased a few of her quirks to try to start something fun, and that irritated her as well. I gently offered to leave, in case she wanted some time to herself, because my touches weren't really being reciprocated; she told me to stay. Meanwhile her cat threw up...We finally got intimate after a bit. At around like 3am, She left the bedroom to check up on her cat, and didn't return for a while. I went and found her and offered to sleep on the couch, because I thought I was the only thing there that's different than any other day. She refused, but ended up giving in. In the morning, I asked if I should wait for her to walk out together, and she said there's no point since we need to take different transport. We hugged and kissed, but I freaked out, and asked if we can still do this if she isn't sleeping well with me there. She said she's late for work and couldn't get into it. I knew that and told her that it's ok and to text me. More hugs and kisses, she watched me leave her building from her apt door.

It's been almost a week and I've got nothing. I texted her that morning to have a good day, and 2-3 days after saying "it was a rough day, but I still wanted to see her". I want to text her, but do I text her again about how I want to see her, or "I understand if you don't want to see me, but why"? Is there something I could've done to put her mind at ease about drinking? She says she doesn't manage her stress, that drinking was the way she handled it.

Sorry for the long rambling, I'm a very detailed person. Anything would be of help. Thanks!
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Re: Stressed Out Date Won't Get Back to Me

Postby Noels » Mon Jun 06, 2016 10:14 am

Hi Libero :D welcome and thanks for the very relevant topic. Apologies but you didn't mention whether you are in recovery as well?
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Re: Stressed Out Date Won't Get Back to Me

Postby avaneesh912 » Mon Jun 06, 2016 11:32 am

Probably you need a good dating site. LOL. Can't help you there. No experience.
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Re: Stressed Out Date Won't Get Back to Me

Postby Libero » Mon Jun 06, 2016 1:17 pm

Noels wrote:Hi Libero :D welcome and thanks for the very relevant topic. Apologies but you didn't mention whether you are in recovery as well?
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Hey Noels,

I'm not in AA, but I don't drink often. I only drank in front of her on our first date, I needed something for the nerves ha. She also didn't say outright that she was in AA until the second date.

Yes, I probably should go to a dating site. But seeing as most of the stress stemmed from her need for a drink/cigarette, I figured it wouldn't hurt to see if others in AA could relate to the situation and have some advice. When I left, it seemed like she was still into me.
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Re: Stressed Out Date Won't Get Back to Me

Postby Brock » Mon Jun 06, 2016 1:27 pm

I would like to say you did everything I think a non alcoholic could do in the situation. Some of us by seven months would have completed the steps and been in a far more comfortable place, some of us take longer, I feel she is one of those.

Also in AA there is a suggestion that we don't get into serious relationships in the first year, it is possible she was trying but saw from her feelings why that suggestion is put there, her sponsor might have recommended she cool it as well. So if you get another chance, perhaps suggesting a date where alcohol is not served would be a good move, and who knows maybe when the year sober is up she will call you if you are still available, don't blame yourself at all you sound like a good understanding man, best of luck.
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Re: Stressed Out Date Won't Get Back to Me

Postby Libero » Mon Jun 06, 2016 2:13 pm

Brock wrote:Also in AA there is a suggestion that we don't get into serious relationships in the first year, it is possible she was trying but saw from her feelings why that suggestion is put there, her sponsor might have recommended she cool it as well. So if you get another chance, perhaps suggesting a date where alcohol is not served would be a good move, and who knows maybe when the year sober is up she will call you if you are still available, don't blame yourself at all you sound like a good understanding man, best of luck.


Thanks for the response Brock! It was very informative. Can I ask why it's not recommended to get into a relationship the first year? I'm assuming many things, but I'd like to hear the reasoning.

And yes, she chose the last date, which for some reason was a wine bar that served food. I suggested going to another place, but she was really hungry. Also, she always insisted that I am able to drink in front of her. I'm not comfortable with that, and after the events of this date, I'm wondering why she said that.

I'm actually a lady as well :P
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Re: Stressed Out Date Won't Get Back to Me

Postby Spirit Flower » Mon Jun 06, 2016 2:17 pm

Can I ask why it's not recommended to get into a relationship the first year?
During the first year:
1. You don't know how to live sober yet.
2. Your emotions may be all over the map.
3. You need space to work the steps.
4. When working the steps, you find out who you are (which has been covered by alcoholism).
5. You don't know what you want now that you are sober.
6. You often need to work on things like stabilizing your employment and paying debts.

and other things.
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Re: Stressed Out Date Won't Get Back to Me

Postby Libero » Mon Jun 06, 2016 4:51 pm

Spirit Flower wrote:
Can I ask why it's not recommended to get into a relationship the first year?
During the first year:
1. You don't know how to live sober yet.
2. Your emotions may be all over the map.
3. You need space to work the steps.
4. When working the steps, you find out who you are (which has been covered by alcoholism).
5. You don't know what you want now that you are sober.
6. You often need to work on things like stabilizing your employment and paying debts.

and other things.


Ah, that makes a lot of sense. Thanks!
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Re: Stressed Out Date Won't Get Back to Me

Postby Noels » Mon Jun 06, 2016 11:12 pm

Hi Libero I agree fully with Brock and Spirit Flower. Thank you very much for raising this very important topic though and all the best of luck.
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Re: Stressed Out Date Won't Get Back to Me

Postby avaneesh912 » Tue Jun 07, 2016 3:57 am

Can I ask why it's not recommended to get into a relationship the first year?


I really don't know where this came from though. What about people who are in relationship right? The intent is all good but the alcoholic should place the reliance upon his/her higher power. And perhaps some people who couldn't spend time with the people they work with threw in these ideas and then became cliches.

I know its a volatile time for you all, but would suggest that if you are serious about your relationship you may want to get acquainted with the program in the fellowship of al-anon.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Stressed Out Date Won't Get Back to Me

Postby Libero » Tue Jun 07, 2016 7:09 am

Noels wrote:I agree fully with Brock and Spirit Flower. Thank you very much for raising this very important topic though and all the best of luck.


Thanks guys. Does this mean that the consensus is to text her again, but chances are she'll want to work on herself? I figure maybe going with a more relax approach like Brock said and suggest somewhere without alcohol.

avaneesh912 wrote:I know its a volatile time for you all, but would suggest that if you are serious about your relationship you may want to get acquainted with the program in the fellowship of al-anon.


Of course, my plan was to always support her, and if that meant al-anon, I would've gone. But at this point, the relationship is moot.
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Re: Stressed Out Date Won't Get Back to Me

Postby Noels » Tue Jun 07, 2016 2:00 pm

Hi Libero from your first post it sounded to me as if she was going through a particularly tough time. It happens when we stop drinking at times as life still happens but suddenly we have to re-learn how to cope with the same problems but without alcohol. I would say to give her a week or two to get her rhythm and her feet again, then call her if you still feel strongly about it, take her for coffee in a nice quiet place where there is no alcohol and chat to her. That way you will find the truth directly from the source rather than wondering about it. I find its the not knowing that's the real kicker.
Hope this helps and only the best to you.
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Re: Stressed Out Date Won't Get Back to Me

Postby Libero » Tue Jun 07, 2016 11:07 pm

Yes, it's definitely the not knowing that's a pain. Thanks again for the info!
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Re: Stressed Out Date Won't Get Back to Me

Postby tyg » Thu Jun 09, 2016 3:07 am

I'm not so convinced the lack of communications is alcoholism related. Because these things happen whether one is Alcoholic or not. No one can make a relationship happen faster than it is going to happen, or if it is going to happen at all.

Aside from the general rule of 1st year no relationship. They have 7 months of sobriety and should be on some solid ground by now. If they are not responding to your calls, that indicates they aren't wanting to talk, for whatever the reasons. Since it's been only 3 dates or so, It is really none of your business why they are avoiding calling back and what is going on in their life. Get busy with other things and give them space for a few weeks before contacting them again. Who knows, maybe they will call before you contact them again.
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Re: Stressed Out Date Won't Get Back to Me

Postby Mikejonesmj » Fri Aug 11, 2017 7:23 am

Libero wrote:Hey everyone,

This is partly a dating/"How to handle a possible relapse situation" question. I went on a third date with this woman. The first two dates were great; she's 7 months sober, goes to AA about four times a week. I'm not sure what step she's on, I never asked.

The day of our third date was really trying for her. She has a very stressful job, which made her a half hour late meeting me (I didn't care, she seemed more stressed about it than me). On our way to the restaurant, she was itching for a cigarette, but she was out. And at the restaurant, she confessed that she wanted to drink, even looked at the menu briefly. She refrained from it, but as we waited for the food, her eyes started to get watery and it looked like she was trying to hold in something...It didn't help that we got the worst service from our waitress, and it seemed like it was because we were the only table who wasn't drinking. She got really pissed; bartenders were giving her weird looks the entire weekend for not drinking. We left and got her some smokes.

When we got to her place, it was really hot, which didn't help at all. Throughout the entire night, I wasn't really sure what to say, and the few attempts I made to have a conversation didn't really go anywhere. I teased a few of her quirks to try to start something fun, and that irritated her as well. I gently offered to leave, in case she wanted some time to herself, because my touches weren't really being reciprocated; she told me to stay. Meanwhile her cat threw up...We finally got intimate after a bit. At around like 3am, She left the bedroom to check up on her cat, and didn't return for a while. I went and found her and offered to sleep on the couch, because I thought I was the only thing there that's different than any other day. She refused, but ended up giving in. In the morning, I asked if I should wait for her to walk out together, and she said there's no point since we need to take different transport. We hugged and kissed, but I freaked out, and asked if we can still do this if she isn't sleeping well with me there. She said she's late for work and couldn't get into it. I knew that and told her that it's ok and to text me. More hugs and kisses, she watched me leave her building from her apt door.

It's been almost a week and I've got nothing. I texted her that morning to have a good day, and 2-3 days after saying "it was a rough day, but I still wanted to see her". I want to text her, but do I text her again about how I want to see her, or "I understand if you don't want to see me, but why"? Is there something I could've done to put her mind at ease about drinking? She says she doesn't manage her stress, that drinking was the way she handled it.

Sorry for the long rambling, I'm a very detailed person. Anything would be of help. Thanks!


Don't worry about it. May be she wasn't feeling comfortable with you in that pub or she was feeling stressful and i think you should be her soul mate. So you should call her once and try to understand her emotions and feelings. I am sure things will take a positive turn.
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