Spouse forbids me to drink by myself

If you're not an alcoholic but have questions about AA, here's the place to ask them. Anyone may post messages and replies in this forum.

Spouse forbids me to drink by myself

Postby Crystalpluto » Wed Jun 01, 2016 7:55 pm

Hello all. My husband of 8 years just passed his 90 day sobriety mark working the AA program, going to meetings twice a week and going to counseling once a week and I'm very proud of him. He's been a drinker since the day I met him but it had recently spiraled out of control the past 4 years. I've never had an issue with alcohol or any other substance abuse myself. I'm one of those people who can have a drink and quit. My concern is that I'm about to go on long awaited vacation with my mother whom I haven't seen in nearly a year and my husband has expressed implicitly that I am not allowed to drink while on vacation and he better not find out about it either. I'm not allowed to drink until he's ready for me to and says im not allowed even if I'm not around him. I really don't know what to do because honestly I'm an adult and I enjoy the occasional drink and I feel it's within my right to be able to do so. I'm not dumb or inconsiderate either, I would never do it in front of him or brag at all . However, I know this is a very delicate time for him and I'm worried and fearful that somehow it's going to get out and I'm going to face some sort of wrath or be the reason for his undoing. It feels uncomfortable 2 act like I'm the one hiding now and keeping secrets when I'm doing nothing wrong. It's a very weird dynamic and I really don't know what to do. He says it greatly angers him whenever he sees anyone drink and he hates them immensely. What can I do, if anything, in this situation to not feel imprisoned by his demands or to better understand how or what he's feeling? . I would never say anything negative about his efforts or wishes because I want him to get better and I don't want to give him an excuse to jeopardize it . Any advice or encouragement would be really helpful as to how long this might last and where I should go from here . Thanks everyone.
Crystalpluto
Forums Newcomer
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2016 7:36 pm

Re: Spouse forbids me to drink by myself

Postby tyg » Thu Jun 02, 2016 1:00 am

I would suggest visiting Al-anon. http://al-anon.org/electronic-meetings and post on their bulletin board or go to some meetings to get help for situations you are facing. Al-anon offers strength, hope and solutions when there is a problem drinker (wet or dry) in their life.

What you are going through is not something that AA encourages. Nor does AA encourage that anyone should change their habits for the alcoholic or try to protect them from alcohol. As anyone can recover no matter their situation or environment.
~The secret to the AA program is the first three words on page 112~
User avatar
tyg
Forums Long Timer
 
Posts: 574
Joined: Sun Mar 29, 2015 6:34 pm

Re: Spouse forbids me to drink by myself

Postby avaneesh912 » Thu Jun 02, 2016 3:43 am

Some people in recovery far into it get angry when others drink, I can't relate to it. I know I am alcoholic and I can't drink and working the program I have no desire either. Your husband hopefully finds a good sponsor who can walk him through the 12 steps and let him have a psychic change/spiritual awakening/Attitude shift. Until then you may have to help him reach that spot. Now don't build your resentment and start arguments with him about wanting to drink. Its not going to help.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
User avatar
avaneesh912
Trusted Servant
 
Posts: 4642
Joined: Fri May 30, 2008 12:22 pm
Location: Atlanta, GA

Re: Spouse forbids me to drink by myself

Postby Brock » Thu Jun 02, 2016 4:02 am

I am very disappointed to read of his behavior, and hope he straightens out very soon, a wife puts up with our BS for years and we turn around and try to control them, instead we should be thankful and making amends. I will quote a few lines from the main text we use, fondly called the big book. Tolerance and unselfishness is the code by which the recovering alcoholic must live, because as a group nobody has been more selfish or intolerant than us, these are a few places it's mentioned, there are many more -
selfishness, self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate….We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies, ..We are careful never to show intolerance or hatred of drinking as an institution. Experience shows that such an attitude is not helpful to anyone...We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience...tolerance of other people's shortcomings

I admire you for coming here and asking your question, the suggestion by tyg about Al-anon is a good one, it will give you the opportunity to discuss this with others. I fully expect he will soon come to see the error of his ways, if he does not he probably will not recover. I don't want to tell you what to do, but you sound ultra supportive and not drinking in front of him is a fair sacrifice to make, but not drinking while on a holiday when he won't be there is ridiculous, if I told my wife that she would have started laughing and not stopped until she returned. Also, this program works in such a way, that he should be quite comfortable after doing the steps, to go out and mingle with folks who are drinking, we live normal lives, the problem we have with alcohol is removed. I wish both yourself and your husband the best of luck.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
User avatar
Brock
Forums Coordinator
 
Posts: 3168
Joined: Fri Sep 07, 2012 1:45 pm

Re: Spouse forbids me to drink by myself

Postby positrac » Fri Jun 03, 2016 3:25 am

90 days sober and that pink cloud has a way of puffing up folk...
Hey you had to deal with a lot of BS on his account and he needs to grow up and it may take time for this to happen once reality sets in and that pink cloud disappears.
I can tell you a story about me when I had about two years sober I had this girl friend and I'd get her drunk and somewhere in my insanity I didn't mean to and yet I justified it by thinking if I can't drink then she can. She had alcohol issues anyway and eventually we split up. I am saying that control is no way to live and yet your ability to control your tastes is something we don't understand and I believe if I can't then you can't because it is to much pressure and temptation. Selfish is hell and we are like that and in time these things could fade away if we work on us and our fixations.

None of this is pretty and it all takes time to heal and I recommend setting boundaries so that you don't feel minimized because he can't drink because of his alcoholic issues. A counseling topic actually because mediation might be necessary to provide that other view.

Best of success on this situation.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
Hopi Proverb
User avatar
positrac
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 1134
Joined: Wed Oct 29, 2014 4:03 am

Re: Spouse forbids me to drink by myself

Postby Noels » Fri Jun 03, 2016 6:45 am

Hi Crystal welcome :D when I was 3 months sober I avoided all people places and play grounds where alcohol could be. I did it because I was really scared I would give in to temptation. My 90 day sobriety date was over Christmas and new year so we didn't attend parties or restaurants or anything.
My hubby and son are not drinkers so I'm blessed in that regard but maybe chat with your fiance. Maybe he's just real scared like I was at that time?
If only you and mom are going away without him however, go and have a blast :D can't see how your drinking when he's not there can affect him at all :D
Noels xxx
There is only Love
Noels
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 1247
Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2016 6:14 am

Re: Spouse forbids me to drink by myself

Postby Lali » Sat Jun 04, 2016 7:47 am

As an alcoholic myself, it sounds as if your partner may subconsciously setting things up so that if you don't follow his "rules" he will get a resentment and drink. I grew up with an alcoholic father and was always walking on eggshells, afraid that anything I may do would set him off. That is no way to live. If he wants to drink, he will drink and no behavior of yours can stop that from happening. You are respecting his wish not to drink in front of him and I think that is admirable, but I don't get that you can't drink on vacation.

Should your partner begin to really work the program of AA, he will surely see the error of his ways. In the meantime, as others have said, attending Alanon will be a good support system for you and I hope you pursue that.

Have a great vacation!
Lali
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 4869
Joined: Sat Jan 31, 2009 8:13 am

Re: Spouse forbids me to drink by myself

Postby sanityxapesme » Thu Aug 10, 2017 1:19 am

I came here to find the answer to this very same question. He is now just under the 30 day mark after his last relapse. I rarely drink, I mean rarely ever and am totally on board with never drinking in his presence, but he says now he will most likely have leave me if I ever drink, even when he is not there. I just am bothered by this thinking that if I ever have dinner with my girlfriends that I won't be able to have even one glass of wine. He says he's not trying to control me, that this is just what he needs to not relapse again. He says his sponsors' wife and most the ppl in the meetings spouses are on board with this too. Am I being selfish? I mean if it alcohol doesn't mean anything to me anyway then why have a problem with it? I initially agreed but I now find myself feeling resentful. I guess I do feel like I'm being controlled. I'm just having trouble wrapping my head around it. What are all your thoughts on this?
sanityxapesme
Forums Newcomer
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Aug 10, 2017 12:21 am

Re: Spouse forbids me to drink by myself

Postby positrac » Thu Aug 10, 2017 2:34 am

sanityxapesme

What are all your thoughts on this?



No excuses about the drink from you or him and just work on living sober and the need not to dwell on alcohol all the time. Good for you if you can drink responsible! The hook is being controlling and selfish motives and it is all BS. I've been at this deal close to 30 years and so I call a spade a spade when one comes my way. One day if you both make it through this patch you'll see that making a mountain out of a mole hill is just crazy. yes it is a serious point, yet it is also selfish to think controlling people, place and or things will fix my disease.

You don't need to live a lie and hide your life with others as it will cause a huge resentment that can't be mended. keep that in mind as the question is what was it all worth in the end?
Last edited by positrac on Fri Aug 11, 2017 2:44 am, edited 1 time in total.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
Hopi Proverb
User avatar
positrac
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 1134
Joined: Wed Oct 29, 2014 4:03 am

Re: Spouse forbids me to drink by myself

Postby Brock » Thu Aug 10, 2017 5:56 am

Welcome here, I am glad you found a section where this question had been previously asked.

I feel that possibly we might say that since he is under 30 days back from relapse and so forth, let's give him a break and agree that you don't drink for a while, but here's where I see a problem - “He says his sponsors' wife and most the ppl in the meetings spouses are on board with this too.”

As you may know we operate based on a twelve step program, which leads us to a 'spiritual experience,' we don't become preachers or monks or whatever, we just trust in a higher power to guide us. Our main text which is affectionately known as 'the big book,' says in part “we are not saints.” People in AA look to this book as the #1 guide and some carry it everywhere, and what it says about this subject is pretty opposite to what he is saying. Here is a link to a chapter of that book - https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt7.pdf
If you read from near the bottom of page 100 to the end, you will get an idea of what I am talking about, it's old language in an old book and speaks of things like “moving pictures,” but we love it anyway. And since his sponsor couldn't sponsor him until he himself had the spiritual experience, then the sponsor should be long past the idea of shying away from people who drink, like you will see in the book. So if this was a temporary thing maybe it's OK, but to say most of the folks in the group agree, then I am glad I am not in such an AA group.

Maybe you should bide your time a while and go along with this, although I agree that not drinking in front of him is one thing, but being told not to do it with your friends is ridiculous. If he doesn’t change his mind in a few months perhaps show him this part of the book, say you were doing some 'research' out of interest in alcoholism.

We don't normally go to such lengths in giving this sort of advise, and I hope others here don't object to me doing so. But this seems like selfishness, the main fault the same book goes to great lengths to remind us is the #1 problem in alcoholics. Most alcoholics in AA quite safely and happily keep booze at home, for visitors or others living there. I wish you the best of luck in a happy resolution to this, if it helps keep in touch here, and also many family members of alcoholics have found attending Al-Anon https://al-anon.org/ to be helpful for their own peace of mind and understanding.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
User avatar
Brock
Forums Coordinator
 
Posts: 3168
Joined: Fri Sep 07, 2012 1:45 pm

Re: Spouse forbids me to drink by myself

Postby tomsteve » Tue Aug 15, 2017 12:12 pm

sanityxapesme wrote: He says he's not trying to control me, that this is just what he needs to not relapse again. He says his sponsors' wife and most the ppl in the meetings spouses are on board with this too. Am I being selfish? I mean if it alcohol doesn't mean anything to me anyway then why have a problem with it? I initially agreed but I now find myself feeling resentful. I guess I do feel like I'm being controlled. I'm just having trouble wrapping my head around it. What are all your thoughts on this?




his recovery is NOT contingent on whether you drink or not. he is the ONLY one in control of his elbow.
the big book tells us our recovery is contigent on the maintainence of our spiritual condition.

the big book says:
Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.

We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.
In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.
tomsteve
Forums Contributor
 
Posts: 245
Joined: Mon Oct 20, 2014 10:25 am

Re: Spouse forbids me to drink by myself

Postby PaigeB » Wed Aug 16, 2017 9:30 am

One word: ALANON

https://al-anon.org/

For the friends and family of alcoholics. NO ONE I ever met told someone to leave their spouse. BUT alcoholics do perceive things wrong... go hear it from the family members themselves. Really. Go to a couple meetings or make a couple of calls. You will find friends you haven't met yet and they will tell you about living with an sober or newly recovering alcoholic... or even a wet one.

Keep[ reaching out.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php
User avatar
PaigeB
Trusted Servant
 
Posts: 10392
Joined: Fri Jun 24, 2011 12:28 pm
Location: Iowa USA

Re: Spouse forbids me to drink by myself

Postby Blue Moon » Wed Aug 16, 2017 4:40 pm

You could point out the hypocrisy of his words.

Does he feel that you have a problem with drinking? If not, what's the problem? If he has a problem with your drinking, that's his problem. As you said, you are an adult, as you were for the entire time he was acting irresponsibly with his drinking problem.

If you had a history of driving drunk, acting promiscuously whilst drunk, or passing out drunk, I could understand his concern. It would still be his problem, but it would be more understandable.

If you don't have any such history, he's just being irrational.

No, nothing you can say or do will make him drink, just as nothing you say or do will make him sober, So I suggest honesty. If you have no intention of obeying his command, say so. You might not drink anyway, but that would be your choice to make, not his.
Ian S
AKA Blue Moon
User avatar
Blue Moon
Site Admin
 
Posts: 3564
Joined: Wed Jan 23, 2002 2:01 am
Location: New Jersey

Re: Spouse forbids me to drink by myself

Postby avaneesh912 » Thu Aug 17, 2017 4:45 am

Maybe he hears "We got to change our playing field" instead of the power of the program. Can't blame the newcomers.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
User avatar
avaneesh912
Trusted Servant
 
Posts: 4642
Joined: Fri May 30, 2008 12:22 pm
Location: Atlanta, GA


Return to Our Friends and Families

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron