Advice needed please, or just an opinion

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Advice needed please, or just an opinion

Postby annie strong » Wed Apr 06, 2016 10:59 am

I could do with some advice or feedback if possible. I have worked up to step 8 in my workbook myself through Alanon and with the help of meetings and my friend and guide the vicar, I am now in a better place having taken time out for myself to heal from my estranged husband. He broke up with me at the start of december after I threw a fit as he had had another affair, he has been attending AA since october, it must have been hard to do the meetings, I am proud of him for doing them and keeping sober , I will always love him ,( he had the affair with his ex (mother of his youngest child ) we have no children,) we had been married less than a year when he had the first affair. alot of things were not right as he always sided with his ex and protected her from social services as she was on drugs. I have already said I love and adore my husband, I would climb over hot coals for him, but he has said we are over , he doesnt want to get back with me, he wants to move on with his life wherever it takes him. He stated in january " he married me to make me happy and his mum and nanny proud of him and that it made him very unhappy and he was truly sorry". I was beside myself, without the help of my doctor and friends and the vicar and group I wouldnt be here now.

I started a judicial separation as I had to protect my finances as he is now deeply in debt, he wanted a divorce but said he couldnt afford it, I wasnt ready for a divorce, I was confirmed last year so marriage to me is for life. I did what I thought was fair for him and me. He then stated as I said I would pay if he didnt contest, that I didnt have to spend money to be nice !! I told him I thought thats what he wanted ! he replied thats not what it takes though !!

I maybe should have tried harder, im working on admitting my faults but also my good points !! and thinking about step 8 lots, step 9 I will do when the time is right and I know it is right, however now im feeling slightly more healed with doing the steps and the group, I havent got a sponser as I have the lovely vicar whom is really my guide and I feel very comfortable with him.I have had time away from contact and am healing slowly.

The question , My husband is on step 7 at present and is preparing for step 8 and 9, he has stated to a friend he will have to make amends with me. How on earth do I handle this ? If he turns up here I will be back to square one falling apart at the seams as it will bring everything back to reality, the hurt , the stomach turning grief that my husband has changed and no longer wishes to be my husband. its only been 4 months, he is planning on doing this step in the next four weeks. I do not wish to be horrible as to forgive is part of the steps also part of the person I am trying to become, but I also have to think I have a right to recover , take time to heal myself. I let go and let God in his mission to help me get things right, I also believe he looks after me and wont give me anything to deal with that I cant deal with, however I am not ready . Helpful words will be appreciated if anyone has had the same or similar happen to them.
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Re: Advice needed please, or just an opinion

Postby Noels » Wed Apr 06, 2016 11:18 am

Hi Annie Strong, your second name says it all - you are much stronger than what you currently think.
I am an alcoholic and my spouse has another addiction. Mine I have admitted.
What I can say from having experienced the hurts and effects of his addiction is that his side is right now second on my mind. First on my mind is my own recovery - to do whatever it takes for myself to heal.
From the sounds of your post you are already in a better space than what you were before and if I placed myself in your shoes that is what I would concentrate on and get my answer - from that angle. And if I was standing in your shoes, I would concentrate on my own healing first. So if you are not ready to hear his amends when he is ready to make amends simply say so without beating yourself up any further. Concentrate on YOUR program and healing.
And since your connection with your Higher Power is there it wont hurt to remember that you will never be dealt anything that you and your Higher Power can not handle.
Good luck and thanks for coming here in your time of need. You are always welcome.
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Re: Advice needed please, or just an opinion

Postby Lali » Wed Apr 06, 2016 12:31 pm

Welcome, Annie.

Step 9 reads, "Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so could injure them or others." Simply explain to him that to rehash things from your relationship would be hurtful to you at this time. If he wants to do the right thing, he will not push you.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him
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Re: Advice needed please, or just an opinion

Postby positrac » Thu Apr 07, 2016 5:54 am

Lali wrote:Welcome, Annie.

Step 9 reads, "Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so could injure them or others." Simply explain to him that to rehash things from your relationship would be hurtful to you at this time. If he wants to do the right thing, he will not push you.

Exactly^^^^^

Key is that everyone should do the right thing for the interest of not causing more issues than already have existed. Faith is a key element now and I hope you'll find peace in knowing this as these steps are being accomplished.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
Hopi Proverb
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Re: Advice needed please, or just an opinion

Postby PaigeB » Thu Apr 07, 2016 12:05 pm

I have found that often times the things I think in my head are far worse than the reality. For instance, my of my first thoughts upon reading your post was, "What if he does not come next week or next month? He is making amends to others but not ME?!"

Sorry if I added to your burden here. I am merely trying to point out that I NEVER know what is going to happen or if I will be in fit condition that day or if I will be a bit tired or angry. Practicing all the scenarios in my head will only make me sicker. I have to let go and have some faith that my HP didn't bring me this far just to drop me.

My sponsor has been known to say, "I will pray for your humility." :?

I usually point people to a story in the back of the book (about a husband & wife) called Acceptance is the Answer. It talks about expectation being inversely proportional to my serenity. (ad lib quote) This is also an opportunity to practice the 3rd & 7th Step prayers from the Big Book, pg 63 and pg 76.

Keep living in the solution.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php
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Re: Advice needed please, or just an opinion

Postby annie strong » Fri Apr 08, 2016 6:59 am

I am not ready for him to make amends, full stop, he has a VERY long list already and I real dont need to be on this list of his, he already told me he was sorry and he shouldnt have got married so thats enough for me, he doesnt need to do anything else, just leave me to make my own way through my steps and recovery. I was unerved when I wrote this post, but have spent lots of time reading and praying and now feel stronger. I deserve to recover in my own way. And I will recover in my own way, I do not hate my husband, I love him, I am proud of the fact he took up AA and is working the steps, but for now I cannot be a friend to somone whom has hurt me this much over and over again, I need space and healing time.
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Re: Advice needed please, or just an opinion

Postby Noels » Fri Apr 08, 2016 7:34 am

Hi Annie, nice to hear from you again :D
I'm glad you made up your mind. I find that the worst part of my recovery is when I'm indecisive. As soon as I have made a decision though, the rest - whatever must happen - follows suit and easy.
Keep doing what you need to be doing with your step work to ensure your own healing. The rest will follow.
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Re: Advice needed please, or just an opinion

Postby avaneesh912 » Fri Apr 08, 2016 7:36 am

Yes. The space. I love Eckharts books. Buy the audio version of it. Very useful to let go of resentments. There is way he communicates that helped me lot. A new earth is a great book where he has lot of Zen stories to help us understand what he calls it "Voice in the head". How our mind clings to the past. There is a nice Zen story about carrying the past.

2 Monks walking through a swamp. One helps a girl cross a puddle. After 4 hours of walking the other says, we are monks and we are not suppose to touch women. The other ways: I dropped her several hours ago, are you still carrying her?

Profound.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Advice needed please, or just an opinion

Postby Noels » Fri Apr 08, 2016 7:47 am

:D hi Avaneesh :D that sounds like a book I want to read. Humorous yet enlightening. Ive ordered " The Razor's Edge" suggested by EZ and my list of books to acquire continues to grow. Not only is AA helping me with sobriety its also increasing my knowledge and vocabulary. 2 points more for AA :D (somehow I wish we had a little " thumbs up " icon with the smiley faces. I continuously find myself wanting to put a "thumbs up")
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Re: Advice needed please, or just an opinion

Postby Blue Moon » Fri Apr 08, 2016 10:51 am

Yes, he owes some amends. But he's probably deluding himself if he thinks he can set the timetable on if/when they will happen.

Stop worrying about what hasn't happened, and quite probably won't happen exactly how or when you are thinking it might. Just live in the here and now, worry tomorrow about tomorrow.
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Re: Advice needed please, or just an opinion

Postby annie strong » Sat Apr 09, 2016 3:54 pm

I have faults and I am sure I did my best throughout my years with my husband before we got married, I was a co dependant I realise that now, until I went to alanon I didn't even think there was such a thing, but it's all been made clear to me now, I have a long path to walk myself , I'm pleased in a posative way that I've learnt so much about what I've done to the relationship and my husband... It's not all his fault, I'm pleased in the end I stood up to him about his drinking and that my crying got him to make the phone call, I hope that his life takes a turn for the better and that he's happy, I want that for him and myself, I am still married as far as I'm concerned and will continue to be whether he moves on or not , but for now we both have space and time to heal .
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