Girlfriend fudging 4th step.. what to do?

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Girlfriend fudging 4th step.. what to do?

Postby Sober Bunny » Mon Mar 28, 2016 11:38 pm

Hello all and thanks,

I am a sober non-alcoholic in a relationship with a recently sober (about 7 months) alcoholic who I love deeply. Our relationship is wonderful except for one painful issue. She has a group of friends she was formerly extremely sexually promiscuous with, which is something I'm prepared to deal with. The problem for me is she still kisses them on the lips and I'm simply not ok with the girl I love doing that with former sexual partners. The very thought of that turns my insides and leaves me feeling like I and our relationship mean nothing. I know she understands this because when it first occurred (this time with an ex-boyfriend, not just a sex partner) we discussed it and after a lot of excuses she finally admitted she wouldn't be ok worth me kissing my ex this way. I thought the issue was resolved until I found out about this group of friends that were not even relationships, merely sex, that she still wants to kiss. Ok, might as well be fully honest, they used to have orgies. She claims I'm "the love of her life", but resents me for my feelings on this matter. I proposed relationship counseling, but she's unwilling and claims I need to see a therapist because it's " not about her " and merely my own relationship issues. She refuses to consider that kissing former sex partners when in a monogamous relationship might not be ok and that there might not be something wrong with me for being hurt and worried about this. To top things off, she won't discuss it further even knowing how torn up I am about it and I don't know if this behavior is going to continue or not.

Which brings me to my question. When discussing my dilemma with a family member who's in AA, he asked if she was doing the steps and had a sponsor, which she is and does. And he suggested I wait it out as past sexual behavior will be addressed directly. I felt momentary relief until I realized that that is meant to be part of the fourth step, which she is already past. Looking over some of the material for the sexual inventory I saw the question "Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness?" This is the very root of our one and only relationship issue. I also read that failing to be fully honest on this inventory is a surefire road to relapse. So I simply don't know what to do. I'm so proud of her for all the work she's put into her sobriety and I want to continue to be a loving and supportive boyfriend. Part of that is giving her a certain amount of space and privacy when it comes to AA, after all, it's her sobriety, not mine. But I fear both for her continued success as well as the success of our relationship if she doesn't truly and fearlessly face her issues. What is the right thing to do? Do I approach her sponsor (of course without asking for any information) to let them know we have a terrible issue in our relationship over her sexual choices that isn't being addressed at all? I worry that this would be overstepping a boundary I want to respect. Do I approach her directly? I fear the backlash as she's become very angry any time I've tried to address this issue. Do I just ignore it and do nothing? I worry for her success in the program if she's avoiding deep seated issues that she knows are affecting her present life.

It's incredibly important to me to be supportive of her in her new life of sobriety, but I genuinely don't know how to go about doing that right now. So I come to you who are in the program to seek guidance. Please! Help me be there for the woman I love!

Thank you sincerely for any advice on this matter,
S.B.

p.s. I tried to keep this relatively short, but this was the best I could do. My feelings are in such a tormented state.
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Re: Girlfriend fudging 4th step.. what to do?

Postby tyg » Mon Mar 28, 2016 11:59 pm

I think Al-anon is your best bet for this Topic. http://al-anon.org/. You'll get responses from other non-alcoholics who are affected by an alcoholic. They could probably help the most. At their website go to, "Find a Meeting" on the drop down menu click on, "Find an Online Meetings" for the forums.

Al-anon is a sister program of AA that offers a program of recovery for the families and friends of alcoholics, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. They have forums such as this one, meetings schedules and online meeting and other information.

Glad you reached out and seeking solutions.
~The secret to the AA program is the first three words on page 112~
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Re: Girlfriend fudging 4th step.. what to do?

Postby Sober Bunny » Tue Mar 29, 2016 7:54 am

Thank you for the reply, tyg. I'm quite familiar with Al-anon and will try posting there as well. My reason for trying here first is not for support so much as to get the perspective of those in the program what they feel would be appropriate and beneficial.
Thanks again,
S.B.
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Re: Girlfriend fudging 4th step.. what to do?

Postby Spirit Flower » Tue Mar 29, 2016 8:30 am

Don't make any babies...
...a score card reading zero...
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Re: Girlfriend fudging 4th step.. what to do?

Postby PaigeB » Tue Mar 29, 2016 9:49 am

There are several more Steps before one gets to amends. Which is when you might hear about something she did in her 4th Step. Behaviors aren't instantly relieved and the removal of defects is considered to be on God's time. It is all really an internal job, this program. I cannot make amends where I do not see fault, no matter what my sponsor or family may see as glaring fault. I cannot know what is in the heart of those I sponsor either, I am but a guide. If I say: What about that? If they do not want to face up, there is nothing I can do but continue to be a guide and accept HP's timeline.

When I did my amends with my mom, I handed her a check and we talked about my financial amends. She asked me why she had not received any verbal or money amends from my brother... oops - he is in another state so I do not know, people do things differently from sponsor to sponsor and might be really different state to state. But my bro has been in AA for over 20 years. So I can only tell you that things are different for he and I - I have no good answer for my Mom and I hope that my amends did not harm her further.

So I do hope that you do your own inventory through Alanon with an Alanon sponsor. We are frequently surprised by what we find. I found I was full of fear where I thought I was fearless and I found that though I thought myself to be a victim, I had a hand in causing the pains that occurred. But I have no way to judge my brother or any other alcoholic ~ I can only judge myself.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
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Re: Girlfriend fudging 4th step.. what to do?

Postby ezdzit247 » Tue Mar 29, 2016 12:28 pm

Spirit Flower wrote:Don't make any babies...


You always cut right to the chase and give such sound, common sense advice. I love it!
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Re: Girlfriend fudging 4th step.. what to do?

Postby tyg » Tue Mar 29, 2016 10:36 pm

Maybe seek couples counseling together (or individually) and read the Chapter, "To Wives" in Alcoholics Anonymous. Have you an Al-anon sponsor? These concerns are something to talk with your own sponsor about, instead of theirs. What's going on between the two of you maybe better resolved between the two of you and, a professional with credentials coaching relationships and behavior.

It is not a sponsors job to be a mediator, point out a sponsee's faults and how they're not doing the program good enough. Alcoholics are given the tools and taught how to use them. Then it's up to them to take advantage & utilize them.
~The secret to the AA program is the first three words on page 112~
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