A family with two parent alcoholics...

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A family with two parent alcoholics...

Postby akely » Sat Jan 16, 2016 3:36 pm

Please excuse the extreme complications of my family setup. I am a 32 year old son of two alcoholics, I also have a 30 year old sister and a younger step brother who I love dearly. My father (who broke up with my mother when I was 5 years old) has been off the drink for 15 years now and has stayed with the AA program throughout as far as I know. My Mother is a binge drinker which consists of 1-3 month dry spells and 1-20 days on the drink day and night, this has been the norm since as far back as I can remember. I will just add that we did have other family around growing up (none from my fathers side) but none of them seemed to want to help or acknowledge the problem and therefore I have always seen them as enabling in a self serving way - as long as the problem didn't land on their doorstep.

Over the years a lot of things happened that changed the relationship dynamics within our family. My father went missing for 4-5 years after breaking up with our mother, miraculously reappearing as a recovering alcoholic and taking us away during school holidays. We forgave him as the years went on and since then had our trust broken by him many times (mainly the empty promises kind). My sister went to live with my father as a 15 year old and due to rows with his then girlfriend ended up leaving school for good and moving back in with mum. Then she met a guy, moved in with him and all seemed okay.

11 years ago my son was born and 8 years ago after letting my mother babysit for the first and very last time I decided to cut off all communication with my mother who by this stage was driving me near insane with regular false emergency calls and drunken rants which were always bitter, insulting and hurtful leaving me livid for days on end. Around this time I had to take my younger brother from her care and send him to stay with his grandparents due to her being unable to feed him and intoxicated for days. I then moved country with my Wife and kept in close contact with my sister who over the years seemed to be turning against me and more believing of mums outlook. I soon became the evil one in her eyes and anything I said was met with met with slight hostility and scepticism. Around this time my sister and I had lost communication with my father also due to him never making contact or returning our calls, something we attributed to him meeting a new woman and being too socially busy.

As time passed I was informed by my sister that my mother had been diagnosed with Bi-Polar and that this was the reason for her drinking all along. After that any drinking sessions had been renamed as episodes, any mention of AA help was dismissed, Alcoholic became a taboo word and I fell out with my sister on one visit home due to our differing views and possibly more because I was not prepared to just dismiss the route cause of all our mothers problems as an unfortunate side effect.

Having lost contact with my my mother and by now having very little contact from my sister, the years passed and over a quiet Christmas I decided to call my father having thought that maybe he had good reasons to stay clear of us over the preceding years, and it would be worth patching things up. Over time my father came back in to my life and we visited often, I was glad that my son could have a relationship with at least one side of the family and I could see my father making an effort to call, visit and send an odd card etc. Everything was going fine until my sister visited last year and I found out that she had become a heroin addict over the previous 3 years, living with addicts and shutting herself off from the rest of the world - that explained the little contact.

Two weeks after hearing about by sisters addiction and still in shock I found out her boyfriend died. That's when it really hit home. I was devastated and just tried to accept that from that day that she practically gone, as disturbed as that sounds it was almost like I needed to think like that for some sort of emotional defence or coping mechanism. I called my father some weeks later thinking that I owed it to him to tell him what happened, he seemed to take it well, slightly silent, distant but I got a really cold feeling and he explained that he had to go so the call didn't last long. I had seen him morn his father in earlier years and it was the same, no emotion. People even asked how he was coping so well and he shrugged it off saying he would mourn in his own time.

Since then the lines of communication have been opened again between me and my sister with a unwritten agreement that we don't mention our mother, she seems to now be doing really well, got a good job, new boyfriend, moved country and is looking after herself more than ever. She started on anti-depressants a year ago and now she seems like a much less anxious, less plagued version of her previous self which in every way better and I am glad to see it. Most of all she is happy and I have informed our father about her progress. Some months ago I was talking to her about Dad and she mentioned that she would be interested in getting back talking to him. I mentioned it to Dad and he said he would love to.

Just recently I had a conversation with my sister and she mentioned that she sent him two or three texts before Christmas and after but got no reply. She said that at this point and how little respect he has shown in not even sending a Happy Christmas message that she does not see the point in ever talking to him again or trying. This came as a bit of a surprise to me as I checked she had the right number, country code, called his number to make sure it was still working and tried to figure out any possible explanation bar him purposefully not replying. At this point I have no answers and having recently got a missed call from him I am slightly inclined to ignore him until I can make more sense of what has happened.

Any suggestions would be really appreciated in dealing with this sort of problem.

Many thanks.

Adam
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Re: A family with two parent alcoholics...

Postby ann2 » Sat Jan 16, 2016 4:13 pm

Hi,

Have you looked into the organization Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA)? There's a book by that title that helped me and my husband. His father was a drinker and so was mine. I also went to Al-Anon meetings to find out what I should do in regards to my parents. It was very helpful.

You can call Al-Anon and ask for advice on this situation. It's the fellowship for family and loved ones of alcoholics. They're the people who understand and have the experience they can help you.

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada
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Re: A family with two parent alcoholics...

Postby Biker123 » Mon Feb 01, 2016 11:26 am

Need a bit of advice.

My mother is an alcoholic. She stayed sober for over 28 years. She gave up the drink after I was born. She has two children me and my brother. However my brother lives abroad so I feel like an only child really as he is abroad for over 25 years.

For those 28 years or more she stayed sober - never drank - even when she had to bury her husband from
Cancer. Then boomb. . . One day about 4 years ago she picked up a drink. And ever since she's been breaking out every year or so.

When she used visit my brother she would always buy alcohol at the airport and say it was for visitors. And for the 28 years she never touched a drop the house was always full of alcohol and she would always serve it to visitors and cousins.

This her 4th time breaking out. An I being selfish in saying that there isn't much I can do for her. I mean if I get rid of the drink from the house she can go and buy more. So the way I look at it just let her drink it and leave her to her own devices.

The last time she broke out I got AA help to call to visit her.

She used to go to meetings but stopped because she said the meetings are not like they used to be not it's cross addiction and she couldn't be listening to it.

I'm her daughter, I live with her, I have no other family, I'm all on my own, my brother is 3500miles away so he's not much good to me. I have a boyfriend who's great support but i don't bring him around the house when she's in this state as she gets aggressive.

I have a good job and my job is 40mins from my home.so this morning I just got up and left and went to work and just left her at it - what can I do?
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