Husband is an alcoholic and I don't know what to do

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Husband is an alcoholic and I don't know what to do

Postby Anonnybee » Fri Dec 18, 2015 8:20 am

Hello Everyone,
I'm struggling greatly and found this forum while doing google searches for "alcoholics" because I just don't know where to turn. I think my husband is an Alcoholic. He isn't a drink every day kind of guy, in fact the only reason he will have a "beer" during the work week or weekend is because he loves the new "Not your fathers root beer" that has alcohol in it. Other than that, he's barely ever come home from work and need a beer. His problem lies in when he goes out the rare once-twice a month he gets completely plastered, doesn't check in with me and doesn't come home until 2am, 3am...it's even been as late as 4:30am. I will start by saying my husband is very successful, when I met him (I was 23 and he was 26) he was already manager of his IT department in a large medical corporation. Within maybe a year and a half he was promoted to Director of IT and has thus taken on a lot more responsibilities. He also owns his own company which is his side business that brings in more work (and responsibilities/stress). The drinking doesn't affect his job, he is very responsible, holds himself up to extremely high expectations and standards. He is always looking to further his career and is driven to advancement. When we first met, he would go out consistently once a month with one of his friends. He would go about 40-45 minutes away (where the friend lives) and get pretty drunk and then drive home drunk! He was very lucky nothing ever happened, and I always expressed my concern that I didn't like this. He slowly stopped doing this and maybe sees this friend once every...3-4 months now. However, with his new position of Director, he has been going out with work friends a lot more. Again it's only maybe once-twice a month...but I am always worried he is going to come home completely plastered. When this happens he never checks in with me, so I'm expecting him home maybe 11-12am the latest and I'll wake up every hour until 2am comes around and now I"m panicking and texting/calling to find out where he is and he doesn't respond because 1) he is too drunk to realize his phone is going off or 2) his phone has died. There have been a few occasions where during the week (so a Wednesday for example) he has gone out to a work lunch with company vendors or just his work buddies and then either 1) Comes home late, so I text him to find out how much longer because I'm cooking dinner and want to just get a time frame so it doesn't get cold and he either says "later" or doesn't respond at all. Or 2) comes home at the regular time, and in both instances immediately I notice he is completely smashed. Eyes glossed over, stumbling, giggling drunk. Immediately I get upset because why is this necessary? Why does he have to get so drunk on a Wednesday in the middle of the day, come home like this and then it completely ruins our evening together....

So about a year ago he got so drunk during one of his outings, I had no idea where he was, I woke up at 2am and texted him a few times. After no response I called and it just rang. He wasn't picking up. He finally came home at 4:30am, he crashed his car into a huge snow bank and got it wedged and stuck at the corner of our block (thank heavens is wasn't anything worse). After that we had a long discussion on how this will NEVER happen again. I set down rules that he has to check in with me, he is never allowed to get behind the wheel of a car again after having drinks. Things were good up until now. He stopped doing that stuff, when he went out for drinks with friends on a Friday night he checked in with me, came home when he said he would and was a little drunk but nothing excessive.

A few months ago however he (at this point I had been in between jobs for maybe 2 and a half months; actively seeking) came home later than usual from work and was completely smashed. I was so angry because I had cooked dinner and went to all this trouble for him. He immediately just broke down, he went on and on about how stressful his life is. How stressful work is, how he is a failure, he hates himself, he is an idiot. I just sat there feeling like the worse human in the world, because my husband is dealing with some major stress problems and I was completely clueless to it all and because I was out of work and he was stressing so much to make sure he went above and beyond to keep money coming in. I tried talking to him then but it really didn't get us anywhere because he was so drunk. He would just ramble about how he can't talk to me because he doesn't want me to deal with it, he doesn't want me to be upset, he just wants me to be a "happy princess". We both cried, many times during that conversation. I kept telling him he needs to talk to me, I don't understand why he thinks I need to be protected or a "happy princess" and he just kept saying he can't talk to me, I don't understand. After this happened, we didn't discuss it afterwards when he was sober. I was just too exhausted and didn't know where to start.
Fast forward a few months later and he does it again, comes home completely plastered from work because him and his work buddies went to a restaurant and had pumpkin beers that were stronger than they all realized and it demolished them. One of his coworkers threw up all over his nice work shirt...I was so livid I just sent him to bed because there was nothing I could do. Yelling at him or trying to talk about anything wont work while he's so drunk. After this incident I floored it with the job search and was taking interviews for everything and anything I found just to try to get a job to help contribute and hopefully it would take some stress off his shoulders. I found a job and have been bring in a really good salary for about 2 months now.

Fast forward to last night. It was his company Christmas party and since wives are not allowed, I invited my best friend (whose boyfriend also works for the company and was attending) to come over for a girls evening. So my husband was driving himself and the coworker to the party.I begged him to please be smart, please don't go crazy. Then he tells me "well why don't you drive us there" I told him no because it's a long drive and I was having company and that I don't want him to have an excuse to get demolished. I wanted him to respect my request to not get so crazy. I figured since he was driving, because he has a brand new Camaro, he wouldn't go crazy. Well I was mistaken. Him and coworker came home just completely trashed. Stumbling everywhere, wanting to hug everyone like crazy. It was just embarrassing for both myself and my best friend. When we finally got the two of them to stop joking around and my friend and coworker left, I immediately started asking him why he was so plastered. He immediately started getting upset, saying I'm pissed at him and etc. He was rambling about how he asked me for help but I refused to drive them, that I apparently know he can't control himself. I was calm and cool, I really wasn't even angry. I was just so sad. So we went to bed and talked for 2 hours and it was the same thing as a few months ago. He was crying about how he hates himself, he has no control, he is a failure, he has worked so hard to get where he is. A lot of it just didn't make sense. He said a lot of things that hurt me deeply (he doesn't believe that I am in love with him). I cried and cried. I am so hurt, I am so raw. I feel like this is all my fault, because all he wants to do is make me happy, he doesn't care about himself, that I am his number one priority and he will let himself die on the inside to make sure I am always happy and always have everything I want. This makes me so sad because I am so happy, I am the happiest person a live because I have him. I have never been materialistic, I have nice things because I have always worked and have always worked hard for things I wanted. I never thought I expressed to him that I need all the luxuries in life to be happy. I **DON'T** and the fact that he thinks killing himself slowly on the inside is what will make me happy...just makes me so, so soul shattering sad.
I don't know what to do, I don't know who to talk to. My mother-in-law has stressed a few times now about his drinking. She says there was a relative who was an alcoholic and she is constantly stressing to him about it and to be careful.

Please, someone help guide me. What do I do? How do I talk to him? What do I say? I don't want to blame or point fingers or get angry. I want to help him. I love this man so much, he is anything but a failure. He is the most hard working, most loving human being I've ever met and I am so lost.

I know this is very long and I appreciate anyone and everyone who was able to make it through and give advice.
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Re: Husband is an alcoholic and I don't know what to do

Postby avaneesh912 » Fri Dec 18, 2015 8:49 am

From what you have here, I could see your husband has not control over how much he drinks (the phenomenon of craving) and also the obsession/insanity going back to drinking even though he has had these consequences. But unfortunately, your husband should reachout for help. Until then, nothing can be done. You can leave a book Alcoholics Anonymous by the bed side perhaps after he wakes up from one of the mishaps.

We here usually ask the wifes/family of acloholics to reach for help from the Al-anon. Its a fellowship that was created to help the familiy and friends of Alcoholics.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Husband is an alcoholic and I don't know what to do

Postby Anonnybee » Fri Dec 18, 2015 9:04 am

Thank you. In my perusing of the website I came across the alanon information and have been reading up on it. I think I will call the hotline tonight and speak with someone. I am glad I found this, seeing as I am so lost. I am just sitting at work trying so hard not to cry.
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Re: Husband is an alcoholic and I don't know what to do

Postby avaneesh912 » Fri Dec 18, 2015 9:10 am

Please be brave and firm. My wife was, intially I revolted and then I saw the powerlessness and then i sought help.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Husband is an alcoholic and I don't know what to do

Postby Brock » Fri Dec 18, 2015 10:40 am

I agree with what avaneesh says about your husband needing to reach out if he believes he has a problem, we really don't listen to others, even the courts, if we are real alcoholics. And by real alcoholics I mean the type our literature describes, because unless the person is pretty positive and admits he is powerless over alcohol he can't even do the first step.

In no way do I want to minimize the problem he may have or the worry that consumes you as a result of his drinking, it is plain stupid to drive drunk, and inconsiderate to have someone worrying about them to the early hours, so if he didn't drive and stayed in touch on the phone, I personally would say it sounds like a good man letting his hair down once or twice a month.

There is one common trait which seems to apply to every alcoholic I have met, and that is of extreme selfishness, we cared very little about anyone else, the emphasis was always about our enjoyment, and apart from having you worry he seems the opposite of this. I don't say these things to be unkind, but he will need to identify with others at meetings, as will you if you attend Al-anon, and yes we do have high bottom alcoholics, one of our books speaks about those with two cars in the garage, but all in all going out once or twice a month and getting drunk may not have him willing to take the first step, where we not only admit we are powerless over alcohol but also that our life had become unmanageable.

It is a bit long to quote here, but if you Google “AA Big Book,” and read from the middle of page 20 to page 22, it describes something about what an alcoholic is. I hope if he does need help he will ask for it, and that in the meantime you can convince him not to drive and to stay in touch if he does go out with friends, and wish you both the best of luck.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Husband is an alcoholic and I don't know what to do

Postby Anonnybee » Fri Dec 18, 2015 11:00 am

Thank You so much Brock for your response. I've been struggling with whether or not he truly has a problem. I completely agree with you, the driving is completely reckless and making me worry into the early hours is unfair, but other than those issues, it really is him just letting loose and having fun.

I am just so afraid because of these two times now that he says he lost control and came home crying, that it will just escalate from here. We are looking to start a family which, once that happens, means the stress level is only going to increase. Therefore I am petrified that it's going to make things worse. I am so confused as to how I should feel. Considering his mother is worried since alcoholism runs in his family, and even my own mother has pulled me aside and asked questions because she was a little worried from seeing how intoxicated he got at our own wedding. Should I be worrying myself so much like I am currently, or should I just let it go because he is a very selfless person who just needs to decompose and have a good time once or twice a month.

Thank you so much for putting it into perspective for me. My husband and I just really need to sit down and talk through everything. I need to express my fears to him and hopefully in turn he will open up to me. Communication is definitely something we are constantly working on, seeing as he is not overly-sharing and bottles things up until he just has these break downs.
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Re: Husband is an alcoholic and I don't know what to do

Postby avaneesh912 » Fri Dec 18, 2015 4:22 pm

There are 4 stories in the chapter "More about alcoholism" to illustrate the fatal progressive nature of alcoholism. I would say since your husband has not yet started realizing he has a problem, the closest story you and he could relate is the story of "Fred" on top of page 39.

http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdf

You will see he enters the hospital to rest his nerves. The doctor and the members of AA tell him he probably is an alcoholic. However: Fred does not want to accept that he is an alcoholic. Later after his discharge the story goes that he believes that his humiliating experience would help him not pick up alcohol ever again. But he does. This story is to drive home the fact that Knowledge nor fear could fix the alcoholic. The defense must come through a spiritual awakening.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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