What do I do?

If you're not an alcoholic but have questions about AA, here's the place to ask them. Anyone may post messages and replies in this forum.
Post Reply
Lisad412
Forums Newcomer
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Oct 16, 2014 3:33 pm

What do I do?

Post by Lisad412 » Thu Oct 16, 2014 3:54 pm

On Monday we buried my daughters dad. He was 44, he died because he was an alcoholic.
I met him when I was 18, he 28. we had one child, she's now 16. He's battled all the time I have known him, we would argue most days, i was naive, I believed I could help him, one day we would be important enough for him to quit. I was wrong. I have struggled all this time on my own without help from anyone.
After year of emotional abuse, arguments almost everyday He got completely out of control 3 years ago, stealing from me and was drinking cider in the mornings he'd quit his job and I was working on my own, paying the bills and trying to raise our daughter, although when I came home from work I'd started to realise whilst I was going to work (in the education field) my daughter was at risk at home in the care of her own father, and although I knew he loved her and would harm her intentionally, I realised that if I had information of this matter at my job, it would be a safeguarding issue. I was ashamed of myself. My daughter was 13, I was so scared that she may one day think that this was a normal relationship that she may meet someone exactly like her dad because it was normal and I was petrified, I booked up courage and I ended the relationship. Although because I felt guilty I let him live with me for 6 months.
In the end I had to tell him to go, it was effecting me too much. He moved out but I stayed close friends, more so for my daughter. I even took him to hospital app, included him in events and bought him shopping when he had no money. I then met my current partner, I told him everything from the start and he is very supportive. He knew what it meant to my daughter and he supported us in looking after her dad. After all I couldnt hate him, he was a lovely bloke who was overtaken by this demon drink, my partner could see that and whilst I never understood why my ex threw his perfect life away with me and our daughter I had also never walked in his shoes.
The thing is my ex was loved by everyone, he was the life and soul, no one had a bad word to say about him, and he adored our daughter and she loved him so much. I supported him so much, fed him still and cared for him because 6 months after he left he turned yellow, i cried when I picked him up and I took and I got him admitted to hospital and even bought him his pjs, took our daughter to see him etc. he was there for a month, he quit drinking although he was seriously ill, one more drink could kil him. Our 14 year old daughter became his carer from that moment, often staying with him. Helping him around the flat I helped as much as possible but I couldn't go back.
He started to get worse, his stomach needed draining all the time, he looked so bad, he lost so much weight within months he aged so bad, I could hardly bare to look at him if I'm honest. He told his family in April that he was terminal, we had to tell our 15 year old who doted on him, she had just started her GCSEs. I was heartbroken as as much as I tried to protect her. This time I couldnt, we had also just lost my nan and grandad within 3 weeks of each other and we had a traumatic time.
When she had her prom picture done with him, he couldn't even stand up, he sat on the bed, he was gutted that he couldn't wave her off.
I had some long conversations with him recently, I asked him if he regrets the past, all the drinking and he said no, he said I am me...I enjoyed my life, but I think he was lying...he hated people feeling sorry for him and if I think about it, if he had of regretted it I would feel bad for him. He did apologise tho, for all them arguments when he wanted a drink and would leave the house, I've had so many rows about him going out sometimes he'd go the shop and I wouldn't see him until the next day, a million different things too many to mention in one post. His family all live within a 5 mile radius, no one helped it's like when he was out of their sight he was out of mind.
When he died last week my daughter picked up his phone, he had a message on there off his mum, she had been buying him Bacardi, so had some of his friends, it seems most of his family knew he had started again and he wanted to hide it from me and my daughter. Because he knew it would break our hearts.
Our daughter is so sad, she's also angry with his family, they have all hid it from us, they didn't even go and check on him, my daughter had not heard from him in a couple of hours so we went to check on him, he didn't answer and his neighbours had not seen him from the night before which was usual as he lived in flats and they checked on him. We found him, we had to have the foor broken down, the neighbours broke it down using anything they could, spades, hammers etc, all the time my daughter could hear, I had to drag her outside as I didn't want how they found him to etched on her mind forever. He was dead. Maybe I should have left years ago, I grew up without my dad, and I didn't want this for my daughter, I could have protected her from having this close bond from all this heartache. I'm so sad, angry frustrated.

User avatar
ezdzit247
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 2071
Joined: Tue Mar 11, 2014 4:38 pm
Location: California

Re: What do I do?

Post by ezdzit247 » Thu Oct 16, 2014 5:17 pm

Hello Lisa,

My name is Mary and I'm a sober alcoholic.

I am so sorry for your loss and for your daughter's loss of her father. Over the years, I have lost many friends and some family members to the disease of alcoholism and know how painful and frustrating it feels for those of us who tried to help and couldn't help no matter how hard we tried. There is help available and programs to help both of you deal with this loss in positive and healthy ways and learn to move on from your grief and loss. The names of the programs are Alanon for you and Alateen for your daughter. I hope you will check out both of these programs and try going to at least one meeting. You may feel you can cope with what has happened but I would be very concerned about getting help for your daughter, help that will give her a way to go to process this tragedy and also give her the love and support of many other people who have been through or are going through the same thing.

All the best to you and your daughter, Lisa.
“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.” -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

User avatar
Tommy-S
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 1696
Joined: Thu Jan 26, 2012 3:11 pm
Location: Norfolk, VA

Re: What do I do?

Post by Tommy-S » Thu Oct 16, 2014 9:42 pm

Hi Lisa,

I can certainly relate to the effects of the Alcoholic on Family and Friends. I would sugget checking out Alanon as I did.

It's for Family & Friends, and it helped me. Their site is : http://www.al-anon.org/contact-al-anon-family-groups

Through that you can find someone to talk with in your area... Its free and confidential.

Tommy
Together, we don't have to cave in or wimp out to that Fatal First One, no matter what today!

Lali
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 4296
Joined: Sat Jan 31, 2009 8:13 am

Re: What do I do?

Post by Lali » Fri Oct 17, 2014 7:58 pm

I'm sorry for your loss and your daughter's loss as well. Your story is a sad one and it happens to families all of the time. I think al-Anon is a good idea and I think your daughter is definitely a candidate for Adult Children of Alcoholics. IMO, she would probably get more out of ACOA than Al-Anon, but Al-Anon is good as well. As often happens in these situations, your daughter has had to grow up awfully early and as a result, I feel like she could definitely benefit from some kind of support group. Your kindness towards your ex-husband is to be commended. It had to have been tough for you.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

User avatar
Tosh
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 3743
Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 10:43 am

Re: What do I do?

Post by Tosh » Thu Oct 23, 2014 5:28 am

Hi Lisa,

I'm a sober alcoholic and also the child of an alcoholic who died when I was fifteen years old; that was my father. Your story is very touching. One marked difference is that when my father died, I just didn't care; maybe I was even pleased about it - he was a noisy, troublesome, shouty alcoholic. It was good to be rid of him and I felt he deserved what he received.

It was only much later - in recovery - that I really understood why he was the way he was, and that was only because I too was ill, just like him.

I think it's a good thing that your daughter loved her Dad and grieves for him; I think that's a lot healthier than what my reaction was when I was her age.

Regards

Tosh (an alkie from the UK).
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

Post Reply