I need some help...

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conrod5868
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I need some help...

Post by conrod5868 » Tue Jun 24, 2014 7:19 am

My husband has been sober and a faithful member of AA for over 16 years. (We have been married 18 years) In March he became the sponsor of a young woman. This started out innocent, but quickly became a life changing event. Now my husband is "totally in love" with this person, and is convinced he has found his life partner. The hurt I am feeling is unbearable. He wants me to "kick him out" as this would make everything OK with his family. For now I will not do this. If he wants to leave he will do it by his own choice. So for all of the people who think opposite sex sponsorship is OK, think again. We are an older couple and I was planning our retirement and golden years together. Although I do feel this relationship will not last, I cannot continue to wait. I am totally broken hearted, not sure what to do..... I hope someone can provide encouragement for me. Thank you in advance...

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PaigeB
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Re: I need some help...

Post by PaigeB » Tue Jun 24, 2014 10:30 am

Are you attending any Alanon meetings? Us drunks really know how to screw things up and those close to us take the worst hits of all.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Step 6 is "AA's way of stating, the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job... with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement." 12&12 Step Six, p.65

conrod5868
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Re: I need some help...

Post by conrod5868 » Tue Jun 24, 2014 11:58 am

I have attended in the past, but not currently going. I will look this afternoon for a location. I am not sure it is the place for me, as of now we don't have a future together. I know I desperately need some help for the next few weeks. Just to get past the hurt and complete betrayal that I feel today.

chefchip
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Re: I need some help...

Post by chefchip » Tue Jun 24, 2014 2:52 pm

Hello there... First, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I can't imagine either your anger or your sense of betrayal and won't even try. I'm glad you will consider AlAnon though. As much as I hate to say it, it is a pretty sure bet you will meet other women, and men, who have experienced the exact same thing. You might find someone -- the EXACT someone -- who can help you heal. It certainly can't hurt, regardless.

I'm a gay man, and this situation is why I will not sponsor other gay men. It could be disastrous for me and my relationship. Of course, I don't sponsor women either, but that is because I don't really get them, my life experience wouldn't allow me to offer them what they need in a sponsor.

Without giving advice, I will say that during two crisis points in my life, I found short term professional help to be invaluable. I'm betting that a few women in AlAnon have the names of some good ones.

Thank you for sharing. And for not assuming that AA is the cause of your husband's philandering. You sound like a good woman, and I'm sorry for your pain at this time.

Be well,
Chip
The only constant in life is change.

Lali
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Re: I need some help...

Post by Lali » Tue Jun 24, 2014 9:44 pm

Personally, I don't think it started out innocently at all. Something made your husband break one of the number one rules (If we had rules) by taking this woman on as a sponsee. Your husband sounds like he is having some kind of mid-life crisis. Perhaps it had nothing to do with this woman at all. Anyway, I am very sorry that this happened to you.

I wish you all the best, friend. Surround yourself with friends and loved ones at this rough time in your life. And stay close to God as well (if you are a believer). I'm willing to bet that YOU WILL COME OUT OF THIS OKAY!

((((Hugs))))
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

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avaneesh912
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Re: I need some help...

Post by avaneesh912 » Wed Jun 25, 2014 6:26 am

Its unfortunate that in some parts of the world there is no strong women sponsorship. And under those circumstances, these sought of things are bound to happen. In vedic times, it was said, even mothers and sisters were not allowed to sit next to a member of opposite sex. But you may think its too extreme, but there is truth to it.

Recently in my home group a couple went through a nasty divorce because the husband found another woman in the fellowship. Though the husband doesn't show up in our meetings anymore (he found another group), this woman was devastated. Luckily, the fellowship and the 12 steps carried her through. Hope you find support at Al-anon.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

conrod5868
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Re: I need some help...

Post by conrod5868 » Wed Jun 25, 2014 8:57 am

Thank you for the replies. There is much comfort in knowing I'm not the only one this has happened to. I am going to All anon meeting on Thursday... Hopefully there will be someone there I can talk to. (I started out last night.. But we were in the middle of bad weather, tornado warnings etc) I was very involved with his family, brothers sisters etc. Eliminating that contact is also very painful. I have two sons, with very little contact with one. The other one, and my daughter in law, are not very sympathetic. But I can't just get over it and just stop being sad, this is going to take awhile. Thank you again for the replies.

afg
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Re: I need some help...

Post by afg » Tue Aug 12, 2014 7:49 pm

Conrod5868, some time has passed since you posted. I hope our great fellowship at Al-Anon has helped you sort through your feelings so that you can, with a clear mind, focus on yourself and your needs, and do the next indicated thing.

Hugs to you,

afg

KarlBri
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Re: I need some help...

Post by KarlBri » Thu Aug 28, 2014 2:22 am

I am sorry that this happened to you, I wish I can do anything to make you feel better. Hugs to you

Robyn
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Re: I need some help...

Post by Robyn » Sun Oct 05, 2014 5:44 am

So sorry this happened to you. I hope by now this finds you in a better place having found some peace of mind and serenity.

As I read your post, it sounded to me that this could have happened regardless of whether he sponsored her or not. They could have attended the same meetings with the same result. I know from experience how women will turn to men to meet their needs. My marriage busted up because an anorexic was attending AA and sought care and support from my husband at the time. A nasty business.

I find that people in the rooms who don't formulate a relationship with a God of their understanding will continue to pursue faulty emotional dependencies to feed the hole in the soul left when we stop drinking. Until I fully surrendered at Step 3 and continued to grow via Steps 10 & 11, I used people in many capacities to elevate me and "feed the need" that only a Higher Power can provide. I can see where your husband wanted you to kick him out. My ex did the same thing. His pride would not allow him to accept responsibility for his actions. Another classic sign that he was trying to live by his old ideas about God, relationships, and ambitions. He talked a lot about God but never developed a relationship with God that would sustain him when encountering dips in self esteem.

I was successfully sponsored by a man for 8 years who guided me and helped me finally look at the incident and finally let it go. I carried the hurt for 10 years until I found this man who helped me. I did a thorough inventory and discovered that I needed a relationship with God to help me develop healthy relationships and a dependence on Him rather than people, places, and things to give me the self assurance I needed. His belief in a HP and a respect for others taught me how love God and my fellows. That relationship was based on a triangle of sorts. We included God as a leg of the relationship. I've learned when I include God in the mix of whatever I attempt, I am much less prone to pomp, calamity and worship of other things (see BB pgs 55).

So pray for your husband and the woman. They need our prayers not our scorn. When I practice that, they may not get better but I will!

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