Boyfriend started drinking again

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danderisup
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Boyfriend started drinking again

Post by danderisup » Fri May 30, 2014 8:55 am

Hi all, need to talk to some people who have a clue.

I have been sober for a bit over 2 years. My boyfriend was sober one year and relapsed recently.

I had suspected he'd had a drink a few times over the past couple months but this past week it's been unmistakeable and last night he admitted that he'd been having one or two after work. That's what he admitted to but I believe the reality is something more than that.

Anyway, the amount he's been drinking is neither here nor there because it's only a matter of time before it all goes blotto again, and of course there is his "so sorry, I wont do it again, I've just been so stressed" blah blah blah

He was sober but not in recovery.

A few years ago I left this area and him because there was clearly no future for us as he was drunk every minute he was not at work.

I am not in a position to walk out TODAY, but I will begin that process today. We made the agreement when I moved in last year that if either of us began to drink again, we would part. Neither of us can afford to give up our own drinking only to have to live with another's drinking.

He had said many times that having me here was what allowed him to stay sober etc and that if we were to break up he would probably drink himself to death, yet he's back on course to do that anyway, no point in me going along for the ride.

Of course I am devastated by this. I love him, I know I can't do anything about his drinking and he seems uninterested in doing anything beyond stopping and then saying that he is stressed and has to start again, and lie about it.

I am in an extremely isolated area and the only friend I have nearby is an employee who works under him so I cannot speak to her about this, so I will need support from my online community while I figure out where to go next.

I do believe that if I leave he will most likely drink himself to death, but since it is clear that my being here doesn't prevent that either, I don't take responsibility for his choices. I think he's really always just been looking for an excuse to give up and drink. Driving me away will be the ultimate excuse.

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ann2
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Re: Boyfriend started drinking again

Post by ann2 » Fri May 30, 2014 10:09 am

Hi, I just want to give my support. So sorry for the upheaval this is creating but it sounds like you're doing the right thing. I lived with an alcoholic who had never attempted sobriety and I didn't care one way or the other -- only wanted to help according to his desire. I took him to a meeting once, or so he claims nowadays -- I don't remember. He had 11 years sober when he contacted me out of the blue to make amends. We were both married to other people and parents by then. Now we're Facebook friends :-)

I guess the moral for me is life goes on. Maybe I helped him get sober in some small way, even if that meant I would lose him. I guess that's how much I loved him.

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

danderisup
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Re: Boyfriend started drinking again

Post by danderisup » Fri May 30, 2014 12:43 pm

Thank you so much for that. I love him too, and wish the best for him but no one can hand "the best" for us, to us on a platter,

We must plant the seeds and tend the garden ourselves.

I am so tired, and do sad.

kenyal
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Re: Boyfriend started drinking again

Post by kenyal » Sat May 31, 2014 7:41 am

If leaving now presents great difficulties for you, then it may call for allowing him the chance to try again to assemble a bit of self-will dry time. Maybe he can stretch it to 1 1/2 years the next time around? I've known a few that made it all the way to 10 years before drinking again.

It's more likely he will go the usual route you've described, but there are exceptions and time will tell if he is one or not. At this point per your earlier agreement with him you are free to leave from the point at which he secretly drank, but you are also free to choose to stay in order to see how things go for him.

danderisup
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Re: Boyfriend started drinking again

Post by danderisup » Sat May 31, 2014 11:29 am

I am not leaving immediately or for certain.

Of course drinking is only a small part of his issues, as for many of us. He said he drinks occasionally because of the stress at work, and he has repeatedly NOT taken the referral of his dr to a therapist, or tried meds for depression, etc etc.

So of course he returns to drinking because he has done nothing to acquire other means of addressing life and dealing with stress.

He says that this upcoming week, when he has vacation he is going to see his dr, AND set up a therapy appt. We will see, because of course he's told me that many times.

If he gets into a program, therapy, etc to address his issues then I am happy to sty with him and support him (not financially). But if he goes on same old, same old...I have to leave for my own sake.

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Blue Moon
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Re: Boyfriend started drinking again

Post by Blue Moon » Mon Jun 02, 2014 8:17 pm

It's his choice whether to drink. It's your choice whether to stay. If you seriously think that his drinking will escalate if you leave, maybe that's all the more reason to leave. Otherwise, it's just emotional blackmail that you're both playing into.

Either someone is serious about getting and staying sober, or they're not.
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AKA Blue Moon

danderisup
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Re: Boyfriend started drinking again

Post by danderisup » Tue Jun 03, 2014 7:11 pm

agreed.

since my being here doesn't keep him from drinking it could hardly make a difference if I leave, he'll drink either way.

If I'm gone he won't even have to hide it! Might be doing him a favor, I mean, we KNOW how alcoholic minds work eh?

I am slowly packing my things, I'd be a fool not to read the writing on the wall.

Oliver
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Re: Boyfriend started drinking again

Post by Oliver » Wed Jun 04, 2014 2:30 am

Just to say I'm sorry that your boyf isn't yet through with drinking: sending good vibes your way - sounds like it's a painful time right now. Anyway, I hope that he will make it, but for now I suppose the best thing that can come out of the situation is that it can be a salutary reminder of the chaos that is waiting for you if you do take that first drink. His side of the street is going to be pretty messy, so clearing your side is going to be doubly important. When I'm confronted with people I love in what looks like active alcoholism (I try not to 'diagnose' anyone else, even if it seems like they quality for the rooms), I try to keep our primary purpose in the front of my mind and just keep it simple, stick close to the programme and the fellowship, keep myself spiritually well so that if the eventuality arises - i.e., if they (re)discover a desire to stop drinking - I can be in the best possible place to help him. Not within the ambit of my experience, but might also be worth checking in with Al-Anon to help avoid taking another's inventory?

Oliver
Oliver
"In exchange for bottle and hangover, I have been given the keys to the kingdom."

danderisup
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Re: Boyfriend started drinking again

Post by danderisup » Wed Jun 04, 2014 7:27 am

Al-Anon, good point. Hadn't considered that!

Lali
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Re: Boyfriend started drinking again

Post by Lali » Wed Jun 04, 2014 9:04 am

The thought that I had immediately upon reading your original post was "Good for you". I was quite impressed by your firm resolve not to get bogged down in another's problems. After all, you can only control your own drinking. Then I agreed to the response that Al-Anon would probably be quite helpful to you. Al-Anon, I would imagine, should help you decide whether its better to cut your losses right now as opposed to staying long enough for him to get sober for a year or two and perhaps going back out as someone suggested here that you might want to do.

Now I question my first response (just a wee bit...). But I'll bet you will find your answer in Al-Anon if you are at all questioning your next move.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

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