Need advice

If you're not an alcoholic but have questions about AA, here's the place to ask them. Anyone may post messages and replies in this forum.
kochka
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Posts: 7
Joined: Sat May 24, 2014 3:50 pm

Re: Need advice

Post by kochka » Wed May 28, 2014 7:43 pm

I was thinking about moving out already for a while. I just don't like to give up. But now I have to make a decision pretty fast.

Thank you for your advice, I will try to get into counseling. Hopefully that will help me to see a big picture.

Thanks again!

Lali
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Joined: Sat Jan 31, 2009 8:13 am

Re: Need advice

Post by Lali » Thu May 29, 2014 11:14 am

The reason I suggest that you not move out of state with your husband is that if it doesn't work out, the logistics of getting a job and a place to live where you are living now from another state would be quite complicated I would think. How would you move back with no job? How will you find a place to live with no job? These are things to think about. If you and your husband wind up separating and you are in a town where you know no one, that just seems like a tough spot to be in. All this for a man who doesn't seem to want to get sober?

Just some things to think about....
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

Tom S
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Location: New Zealand

Re: Need advice

Post by Tom S » Thu May 29, 2014 12:13 pm

Not my place to judge or speculate.
No idea if my experience is relevant, but I'll relate it.
My personal experience, as an alcoholic, is that when the Big Book ( our basic text) suggests that "bottles are but a symptom" truer words, for me, were never written. I eventually came to recognise, after the physical cravings subsided, that I was self centred in the extreme ( as discussed in the Twelve and Twelve, the other text book of our program).
But I had to be compelled to confront reality. There is no " easier, softer way", at least for an alcoholic like me.
The only thing anybody else could do to help me was to put me in a position to confront the reality about which I was in absolute denial- that I was an alcoholic, that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable. I had to hit that bottom all alcoholics like us must reach if they are to get better. Everything else is just fluffing around while the disease progresses.
I have had to do the same thing with my own son- thank God it worked, thus far. He has a little over 5 years of sobriety, his integrity and his innate dignity as a human being. I couldn't do that for him. But he could and does, by practicing the principles of AA.

kochka
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Posts: 7
Joined: Sat May 24, 2014 3:50 pm

Re: Need advice

Post by kochka » Thu May 29, 2014 5:17 pm

I agree with you, Lali. That's a scary feeling, that if something happens I will have nowhere to go but a motel room... And then will have to face the financial consequences.

Maybe hitting the rock bottom will be the only option for him.

Should I find an apartment and be completely ready whenever I will tell him that I would like to live separately? I know it's a weird question. One one hand I feel more comfortable, that way I have a safe place to go; on the other hand I will have to do all of it behind his back.

Lali
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 4296
Joined: Sat Jan 31, 2009 8:13 am

Re: Need advice

Post by Lali » Thu May 29, 2014 8:13 pm

You might tell him that separation is your plan and that you don't want to move out of state and then you could start your search for an apartment if you aren't comfortable going behind his back. Who knows, this conversation may just be the impetus to have him look at his behavior and decide that rather than lose you, join AA and work on getting sober.

Oftentimes stories such as yours have a happy ending!
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

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