Need advice

If you're not an alcoholic but have questions about AA, here's the place to ask them. Anyone may post messages and replies in this forum.
kochka
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Need advice

Post by kochka » Mon May 26, 2014 9:15 pm

Hello!

My husband is an alcoholic. We've been married for 3 years. Last 2 years were miserable because of his drinking.

We run a company together. And he started to drink every day because he couldn't deal with the stress. Only later I figured that he already had bad drinking habits in the past (I wish I knew that..)

I love him and I try my best to help him. He is a "functional alcoholic". he drinks in the evenings and on his days off. but he drinks a lot. if he had a bad day he can drink a small bottle of vodka (at least 8 shots) and a couple tall beers. In the last year he wanted to quit drinking several times, but he always whould find an excuse. Like I said, at first his excuse was stress. And of course every day was stressful. Then his excuses were day off, work day, bad day, good day... Then he said that he didnt even had a problem until everybody (me, his mom, frw of his friends) mentioned that he should watch his drinking. Anyways, I am trying to support him as well as I can. If he drinks I act like its none of my bussiness; and just trying to keep pease in the house. If he says that he wants to quit I try to do everything to encourage him. About 2 weeks ago we had a talk, he said that he really wants to quit drinking. And if this time he won't be able to do it on his own he ll ask for professional help. He said he's going to start on Monday. On Monday he said that he ll just drink on Mondays and Tuesdays (his days off). And on Wednsday he said that I just don't understand him, that he has to drink to be able to function. He said that this is the only way for him "to turn his head off and relax" and I should research that a lot of successful people are drug addicts.. So he is back drinking every single day again.

Just now he got great business opportunity in another state. And of course he is thinking about moving. But I don't know if I should. I don't have any family here as it is, just a few friends. Moving to another state - I ll be on my own. I should mention that sometimes when he is drunk he can be very verbally abusive, I even had to leave him for few days. He hates the place where we are right now, he thinks that if we ll move everything is going to be different, better.

I really don't know what to do.. I haven't talked to him that I am not sure if I want to move with him. It's just seems that his drinking is getting worth. And I love him and I want to help him, but I am starting to feel so scared and depressed.

Please, any advice? I understand that I am the only one that can make a decision. Is he just not ready to admit that he is an alcoholic and he needs to quit?

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Blue Moon
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Re: Need advice

Post by Blue Moon » Tue May 27, 2014 2:30 am

Hi,

Many of us would recommend you go to Alanon. They are a fellowship of friends and family of problem-drinkers.

Your husband certainly sounds alcoholic. But until he really wants help, little can be done. When recovered, we deal with stress and days off without any need for drinking.
Ian S
AKA Blue Moon

kochka
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Re: Need advice

Post by kochka » Tue May 27, 2014 9:07 am

Unfortunately Alanon is not an option. He doesn't want me to go there because "we are leaving in the small town where everybody knows each other"

Layne
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Re: Need advice

Post by Layne » Tue May 27, 2014 9:56 am

You can find Alanon forums and groups online just like you found this one. They would be a big help to you.

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bradozz
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Re: Need advice

Post by bradozz » Tue May 27, 2014 11:21 am

One thing said is the most important, the act of stopping has got to come from him, a place deep inside him. It happened to me. After all the visits to the emergency room, all the tears lost on me by my wife and kids, a DWI, and least I forget- the amount of time spent in the hospital for water on the brain. None of those things got my attention. The day I should of died that's when it happened. Hope things get better for Both of you.

kochka
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Re: Need advice

Post by kochka » Tue May 27, 2014 3:36 pm

Thank you everybody for replies!

Is there a way that I can get his attention without "scaring him away"? I just noticed that every time I try to talk to him about his drinking he gets mad or frustrated (or something like that, can't really say what's going through his head). And all I say is that if he can at least drink less it would be a good start, that he would feel, sleep better. I am just so scared for his health. Every night I am ready to go to ER.

Layne
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Re: Need advice

Post by Layne » Tue May 27, 2014 4:05 pm

I don't know your husband but I certainly know his reactions to your attempted discussions about his drinking because mine were exactly the same. There was absolutely nothing that my wife could have said that would have resulted in any different reaction from me. Nothing. I repeat, nothing.

I am sorry that I put my wife through this. I am sorry that you are going through this but you can't change him. Only he can do that.

Alanon was a real life saver for my wife. I highly recommend checking it out. What do you have to lose, other than misery?

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Brock
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Re: Need advice

Post by Brock » Tue May 27, 2014 5:01 pm

You said previously that Alanon was not an option due to the small town, we hear that a lot here and it is understandable. I think you are looking for a subtle way to put the possibility of attending AA to him, or at the very least getting him to admit he has a problem beyond his control. If you search the main AA web site which is AA (dot) org, you will see some tags, one is marked literature, press this then pamphlets, here you can scroll through many pamphlets. One of the first is called “Is AA for you.” If you have the facility to print this you can, but keep in mind that these should also be available at your local AA office. The beauty of this particular one is that it has a list of questions; most alcoholics I know have answered these. Perhaps you could just leave it lying around where he would see it; chances are in his own time he may read it. As you scroll through the pamphlets you will also see one called “Is there an Alcoholic in your life,” you might like to read this yourself.

As for moving to another state, and his feeling that things will be better. Many of us have tried that, some even a different country, there are names attached to the fallacy that this helps, some call it the relocation cure, and it never works. The excitement of the move may help a person stop for a while, but as soon as things settle back down off we go again. As others have said, I also gave my wife years of hell, but she says she is glad she stuck it out, often when we get help we end up being the best husband any woman could wish for. Keep the faith, and best of luck to you.

Brock.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

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Re: Need advice

Post by kenyal » Tue May 27, 2014 6:43 pm

I most often considered possibly doing something about my drinking on awful mornings when I was terribly sick from the night before. You mentioned he was verbally abusive when drunk but if some honest communication is possible on the subject when he's feeling mortally wounded it may make more sense to him.

Being concerned for his health is natural and a loving thing for a partner to do. And at least the subject will be opened.

Our book has a chapter "To the Wives" that you can find with an online search. Maybe give that a look.

kochka
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Re: Need advice

Post by kochka » Tue May 27, 2014 9:59 pm

Thanks to everybody for support and advices!

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ann2
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Re: Need advice

Post by ann2 » Wed May 28, 2014 2:57 am

Hi,

I don't have the experience you mention with a drinking husband, but mine is something of a workaholic and it was causing a great deal of unhappiness at home. I got tuned into a wonderful spiritual message via another member of this group and as luck would have it, my husband was open to the teaching. It helped me enormously even without his participation, because I was able to focus on what was really important, and when he started reading and investing in the ideas he became much more approachable.

I encourage you to reach out for that kind of support and when it is making a difference in your life, find a way to show him what is working for you.

As far as a drinking husband, my mother lived with that for 50 years of marriage. She tried everything -- drinking along with him, talking about it, getting him to change drinks, lots of things I don't know about I'm sure -- but he eventually died of related heart disease. Surely 50 years marriage shows a great deal of commitment and is not considered a failure by any means, and if my father wasn't interested in not drinking, then I think my mother took the right route. She is something of an icon to me!

Could i have done that? Dunno. But, I know many ladies who do, with the help of Al-Anon. I'm a little concerned that your husband is dictating your decisions. Does he really control whether you leave the house? Because you don't have to tell him where you're going, you know. I mean, does he follow you or have you watched? Al-Anon is anonymous, just like AA, small town notwithstanding -- in my experience, small town AA and Al-Anon groups are much more fiercely protective of anonymity than groups in metropolitan areas, where there's a certain relaxation.

If you want to help your husband, I can't give any better recommendation than Al-Anon for you, as I have know of several AA members whose wives started in Al-Anon before they decided to get sober.

Check out the Al-Anon web site here http://www.al-anon.alateen.org

It really is a solution.

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

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avaneesh912
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Re: Need advice

Post by avaneesh912 » Wed May 28, 2014 3:44 am

Unfortunately Alanon is not an option. He doesn't want me to go there because "we are leaving in the small town where everybody knows each other"

Obviously. It will be empowering you and that means, he will be exposed. And he doesn't want that. He wants you to be in the dark. Your husband is a sick person (I am not saying that, the book alcoholic anonymous says that). So, you may want to talk to your doctor or a shrink for advice not your husband.

Yeah Al-anon, is the right path for you. Good luck.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

kochka
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Re: Need advice

Post by kochka » Wed May 28, 2014 7:49 am

He is manipulative when he drinks. I am actually very carefull what I do and what I say when he is drunk. There are couple examples how he behaves.

His parents came to visit us for a week. And I made dinner. I served his plate first. He took a first bite and it was... too hot (temperature hot). He refused to eat it, made a big deal out of it and ate some leftovers an hour later. And the wierd part, his mom and dad didn't say a word. I was so shocked, my jaw dropped and the only thing I said: "really???"

I don't have any family here, just a few friends. I had one friend that leavs a few hours away from us. He is from the same home town as I am. So he liked calling me in the evenings to talk in our native language. One night when he called me my husband was drunk and he started yelling at me while I was on the phone: "why is he calling you? Do your parents ask him to call you? .." He went on and on for an hour.

Unfortunately i have plenty of other stories. He is always very opologetic next morning or acts like nothing ever happened (may be because he doesn't remember). Of course I've tryed talking to him about his behavior. He can be sorry, he can try to make a joke out of it or he can tell something like "please, stop, because all I want to do right now is to get drunk"

I guess the only reason I am still trying to help him is I know what kind of person he can be. He can be responsible, loving. That's the way he used to be.

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ann2
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Re: Need advice

Post by ann2 » Wed May 28, 2014 11:22 am

We do horrible, sad, inane things when drinking. Al-Anon helps to be prepared and to know the right thing to do. And to not expect sanity from a drinking drunk.

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

Lali
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Re: Need advice

Post by Lali » Wed May 28, 2014 7:27 pm

kochka wrote:He is manipulative when he drinks. I am actually very carefull what I do and what I say when he is drunk.

...I guess the only reason I am still trying to help him is I know what kind of person he can be. He can be responsible, loving. That's the way he used to be.
This is called "walking on eggshells". Not wanting to say or do anything to set the alcoholic off. You do not deserve to be verbally abused. You asked for advice so I will tell you that if it were me, I would not move. I would put my foot down on that. You will find yourself somewhere with no friends - isolated with the only person you know being your husband. You need friends as a support system.

The second paragraph I took from your post states that the only reason you are still trying to help him is that you know what kind of person he can be. Then you go on to say "That's the way he used to be." So he is no longer that loving person? Are you getting anything good out of this relationship? If you feel that you cannot go to Al-Anon because he doesn't want you to, how about seeing a counselor (just you)? (As long as he's drinking there's not much point in joint counseling IMO.)

I wish you the best.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

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