What is the best way to help my boyfriend? I feel like I

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What is the best way to help my boyfriend? I feel like I

Post by fern2007 » Wed Oct 31, 2012 7:25 am

don't want to encourage him to quit cold turkey. I feel like that would suck one of the greatest sources of dun out of his life. Here is his situation:

He is 29. He has been a alcohol abuser and drug user since he was 13. He used to sell weed and coke and also did them in great quanitities. He told me he used to get drunk everyday. His dad died of alcoholism when he was 19. He has had multiple DUI's and has been to jail for it. In his mind, he is so much better now. But better for him is getting completely hammered on Friday and Saturday and usually one weekday. He usually doesn't come home until after the bar closes or later. He does coke still occasionally. Last week he drank two bottles of whiskey, a case of Busch light, and countless beers and gins at the bar. This week he ALSO got hammered on Sunday to top it all off.

This behavior upsets me a lot. The think is though, he is not abusive at all when he is drunk. He is still very loving. If I'm mad at him then he just gets sullen like a child. So I guess my main problem with this behavior is that I feel like he is going to kill himself by the time he is 45. I tell him that he jokes and says it's better to die young. I tell him that is very selfish of him and he said it's right, but now for the first time he has something to stick around for (meaning me)

Ive gotten upset about his drinking many times before and he always says he will change. That I'm the only person that he would change for. He tries but then he seems to slide off the bandwagon. He says it is very difficult because he has been drinking half his life and it's hard to stop once he starts. And he never intentionally does it to hurt me. Last week was one of our hard weeks and he says he is going to try (again).

Do you think I should ask him to keep his drinking to one day a week? That way he can let out excess energy and see his friends (who are ALL heavy drinkers as well) but it won't be as damaging to his body and damaging to our relationship.

And maybe he can improve from there...?

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Re: What is the best way to help my boyfriend? I feel like I

Post by fern2007 » Wed Oct 31, 2012 7:33 am

And to be clear, he no longer drives when drinking. He only goes to bars he can walk to.

He also told me he sometimes pops an Adderral while drinking which makes him want to go all night and the next day.

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Re: What is the best way to help my boyfriend? I feel like I

Post by johnd » Wed Oct 31, 2012 9:23 am

Hi fern,
my name is John I am an alcoholic. The good news is you can get help by attending an ala-non meeting yourself. what ala-non is, is a place where family and friends of alcoholics gather together to deal with living with both active and sober alcoholics or problem drinkers. He, your boyfriend, has to come to terms for himself. It is not good that you get mad or even try beg or threaten him because it just doesn't work. stubborness and defiance are chief characteristics of the alcoholic who is still drinking. I am sure he is sincere that he wants to stop for you, but unfortunately alcohol is still calling the shots as we say. see if you can call an ala-non central office in your area and attend the meeting and listen and try and talk with someone with long term experience. I'm sure even the person you call could help you also. I want to tell you it's not your fault for his behavior. He has a lot to look at before he gets honest about his drinking. I hope this helps to ease your mind.
I believe you can find an Ala-non website also which will give you a better understanding of how their format is laid out. AA and Ala-non are both similar with using 12 step concepts to help each of us to find solutions to our problems. Glad you found us hope we can help you. Keep us posted on your progress God bless and good luck.
John D. alcoholic
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans- Anonymous

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Re: What is the best way to help my boyfriend? I feel like I

Post by avaneesh912 » Wed Oct 31, 2012 9:47 am

To add to what John said, if he is really serious, drop him off at an AA meeting and let the recovered alcoholics talk him about alcoholism and the recovery thereof.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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Re: What is the best way to help my boyfriend? I feel like I

Post by WorkInProgress » Wed Oct 31, 2012 8:52 pm

As an alcoholic, I prefer AA, but I'm related to an addict who prefers NA. If your boyfriend's serious about wanting help, one (or both) should be able to help him. With an addict in the family, I've been learning a lot from both Al-Anon and Nar-Anon. Regardless of whatever your boyfriend does, please remember you deserve to be happy. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. -Diana

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Re: What is the best way to help my boyfriend? I feel like I

Post by MitchellK » Thu Nov 01, 2012 3:45 am

You could start attending either Al-Anon or Nar-Anon groups for yourself on dealing with how all of this affects you.

As far as your boyfriend, it appears that he is content with the way his life is going and that he doesn't want to stop. In AA (and other 12 Step Fellowships) the ONLY requirement for membership is a desire to stop and it appears your boyfriend does not meet that requirement. If he stops to please you or through your cajoling chances are it won't last and it will probably just be the cause of resentments.

Deal with how this affects you and work on your own reactions. That way you will learn how to be there for yourself and possibly your boyfriend when (or if) he ever makes the decision to stop. It is like when you fly on an airplane with a child - if the plane starts to become disabled they tell you in order to help the child, YOU have to put the oxygen mask on FIRST.

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Re: What is the best way to help my boyfriend? I feel like I

Post by Marc L » Fri Nov 02, 2012 8:25 am

Hi Fern;
I'm Marc and I'm Alcoholic.
Your boyfriend sure is a Bad Boy ain't he?
During my alcoholic insanity I was married and I had three girlfriends.
Their names were Bacardi, Jack Daniels and Schmirnoff.
My girlfriends were way more fun than my wife so she was considered irrelevant I suppose.
There was nothing she could say or do to change me and our marraige was destroyed because of alcoholism.
Your best bet is to stay out of his way for your own safety. Maybe you could also go to some women support groups and discuss your feelings. Hope this helps...

Recovery won't just happen by Osmosis. You gonna' have to work at it some.
12th Step work ain't just a job... It's an Adventure.

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Re: What is the best way to help my boyfriend? I feel like I

Post by ann2 » Fri Nov 02, 2012 10:20 am

Good answer Marc and thanks for showing the picture from the other side. You know, just because I'm an alcoholic with an illness, doesn't mean that I want caring for. Sure, it's great to have people feel sorry for me, because when I'm actively drinking that just means I feel justified in asking for whatever I think I need, and being active in alcoholism means I need just one thing -- another drink.

It's not a pretty picture and I'm very relieved I don't exhibit those symptoms anymore, but unfortunately I have a task of keeping myself honest and admitting that that picture is where I was and where I will be again if I don't take certain steps, daily.

It's a big job for this alcoholic. If there's an alcoholic out there who wants the help, I will do anything I can to help. But I honestly wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

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