Am I Alone In This?

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Airolg88
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Am I Alone In This?

Post by Airolg88 » Thu Aug 16, 2012 11:25 pm

Hi, reader. I've been laying in bed at night, wondering if there is anyone in the world I can find that can relate to what I've had to deal with. I eventually came to the conclusion of: "What better way to find someone than on the internet?" I've just felt so isolated recently. Sure I've talked to a therapist, and he has helped me considerably, but there is something slightly more comforting about relating with someone who really knows what you have gone through. When it comes to dealing with alcoholics in your life, I feel this can't be any more true. I just want to talk to someone, and get it all out there. I hope that's ok with you, whoever you are. I shall tell you my story first. It's a little long, so bare with me. I will do my best to condense it.

I've grown up having to deal with an alcoholic mother. I don't remember too much about the early years. For the most part I thought everything was fine, because my younger brother and I were raised mostly by our grandmother. Our mother had been living with her ever since she got divorced. An incident I do remember, however, was when our mother took us to a relatives house close to Christmas one year when we were very young, and got very drunk. We were there probably sometime around midnight, and we were very tired and wanted to go home. My brother, despite my advice, walked up to her and asked that we go home. I don't remember exactly what set it off after that, but I do remember that my brother eventually wound up crying. I think it was in response to fear because of how mom was acting. Her response to him crying, like any young child would that's up way past his bedtime, was “STOP CRYING OR I'LL BREAK YOUR FINGERS!!!” She screamed this at the top of her lungs, as she had both his hands clenched together in her own. She never followed through with it, but nonetheless we were soon after escorted home by relatives, while our mom stayed at their house and slept things off... or continued drinking... I don't know what she did when we left.

Years later, my alcoholic mother fell in love with another alcoholic. She moved in with him and we moved in with her. Most of the time, we had no problems... but occasionally he would act a little too rough, or would be moody. It was mostly just scary intimidation, or violent behavior. No physical abuse, though. One night though, my possibly drunk mother was putting us to bed, and to get to our room to tuck us in, she had to push his dogs out of her way. He was drunk too, and he saw this happen. He loves his dogs. LOVES them dearly. He followed in the room after her, and they started fighting. As in, physical pushing and shoving, right in front of my brother and I. After it was over my mother packed the both of us and a few belongings in the car and drove back to our grandmother's house. Once hearing about what took place, our aunt called up or father and informed him about everything she was bitting her tongue over for the past several years up to that point. Once informed of what was going on, my father drove to the house, took us to his place, and did everything in his power to get custody over us. As a result of the custody battle, we are not legally aloud to go near our mom if she is drunk, and the alcoholic she fell in love with (and is now married to) is not allowed anywhere near us until we are 18 or older. My mom got sober soon afterwards.

Everything after that was relatively “fine and dandy.” I went to a child therapist for a while, and I found out that I was the “substitute parent” for my brother since there wasn't really one at my old home. Life went on after that. I had trust issues because of the environment I grew up in, but after a few years I learned to cope and in some ways overcome it. It hasn't been until recently that I have run into more issues. My dad (whom is not an alcoholic) fell in love with an alcoholic a few years ago. She is a good person when sober, but she is the kind of drunk that doesn't stop drinking once she has started. She will just keep downing drink after drink until she has passed out. She is a HUGE instigator when she is drunk. She will push buttons and pester and lie and just simply piss people off. She doesn't have any empathy towards her actions when she is drunk either. She had two children of her own, and it hit home for me to see that they are in the same place that I was with my mother. It drove me crazy, that she would become this awful, callous person, and put her kids through something like that. I know now that at that point she couldn't control herself any longer, but then I hated her for it. To this day I don't respect her, and I hardly go around her, because she isn't healthy for me to be around. She has gotten help, but she has relapsed a few times before that and I just can't deal with it any longer.

Also, my mother started drinking again about a little more than a year ago. The reason I found out was because suddenly she started drunk texting me or calling me. I told her to stop, and she did, but it was unsettling to know she relapsed. Normally every other weekend my brother and I would go visit her, or visit her on holidays. We would meet up at our grandmother's place to spent time together during those times. One day our grandmother talked to her about how she should remain at the house like she used to (before she started going home to drink at night with her husband) so that she spends more time with us. She obviously wasn't having that. Her drunk brain somehow processed this ...odd. As a result she called me up soon after this conversation happened and stated that because my brother played videogames every time he visits long into the night our grandmother was having trouble sleeping, and that we can no longer meet up because of that. I called up my grandmother for an explanation, and she described to me the conversation she had with our mom. Once I confronted my mom with this information she explained that she doesn't want to meet up anymore because she is spending way to much time away from her husband. It was a stab in the back. She doesn't want to meet up with her own children anymore?! She is giving up her chances to see her kids, because she isn't spending enough time with the man she sees every day?! It was a stab in the back. I had just assumed that even if she was an alcoholic, she would still be there for us. It was a betrayal I never suspected, and so it hit me real hard. I went into a depression for a while. I when to therapy and I can honestly say I am now happy again, and I haven't been able to truthfully say that in a long time. A lot of issues and demons have been laid to rest because of my therapist's help and I'm very thankful for that.

Recently mom has been trying to backpedal a bit and come back into our lives in little ways, but for the most part I'm no longer comfortable with her being a significant part of my life any longer.

Like I said before, I want to talk about my story with others that have gone through the same. I want to get advice, give advice, and just generally feel like I'm not the only one that had gone through something like this. That I'm not alone.

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ann2
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Re: Am I Alone In This?

Post by ann2 » Fri Aug 17, 2012 12:15 am

Hi, and welcome. I think your story is very helpful in sharing what Dr. Silkworth called "the tragedies" of our illness. There is no sugar-coating the damage. It's fascinating to me also that those of us who throw our lot in with AA often have this burden of wrongs to right, seemingly impossible -- yet we want to try, and often the spiritual growth that we find in following the steps leads to healing.

I would encourage you to find the Adult Children of Alcoholics group near you for helping others. I can also refer you to Al-Anon and Alateen, which has a home on the internet here www.al-anon.alateen.org There are online meetings for loved ones of alcoholics listed at the Online Al-Anon Outreach site http://www.ola-is.org/

I know that alcoholics recovered from our common problem is a small percentage compared to those who are still drinking and hurting others with their selfishness. I am so grateful to be living in the miracle -- a daily reprieve.

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

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Tommy-S
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Re: Am I Alone In This?

Post by Tommy-S » Fri Aug 17, 2012 3:03 pm

Ditto on Ann's post.
there is something slightly more comforting about relating with someone who really knows what you have gone through.
I'm a double-winner, attending/participating in both AA (first & foremost) and Alanon. In my family, everyone is either IN a program, or needs to be, with most still in need.

I found that 'comfort' you mentioned in being around others who are dealing with active Alcoholics... Alanon's understand and have found a way to live sanely & serenly, showing me how to do so, too.

Do yourself a favor and check the link Ann posted, or your phone book and give Alanon a call.

Best wishes
Together, we don't have to cave in or wimp out to that Fatal First One, no matter what today!

Airolg88
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Re: Am I Alone In This?

Post by Airolg88 » Mon Sep 03, 2012 2:01 pm

Thanks for the advice guys. And sorry I haven't replied sooner. I was never 100% on going to a version of Alanon for what I've gone through but I've been considering it lately, hence the post. I'll check out the sites and do sone research. Thanks so much :)

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Tommy-S
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Re: Am I Alone In This?

Post by Tommy-S » Mon Sep 03, 2012 4:59 pm

Give it a try... It's free & confidential, and you'll find friends you didn't know you had.

Good luck & keep us posted :)
Together, we don't have to cave in or wimp out to that Fatal First One, no matter what today!

lolululaladidah
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Re: Am I Alone In This?

Post by lolululaladidah » Tue Sep 24, 2013 6:17 am

I totally get this, my mum is the kind of drunk where she tries to make it seem like it's everyone else's fault. you're not alone don't worry :)

ally
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Re: Am I Alone In This?

Post by ally » Sun Jan 05, 2014 10:26 pm

Thank you for sharing your story. I really got a lot out of it I grew up with a lot of father who was on a dry drunk and I never knew if he would yell at me or love me it was always really scary I also grew up raising my little brothers after my mom died and I started to drink and then I had a daughter and so I can see how I affected her life by reading your story I go to ACOA adult children of alcoholics and AA It really helps me. I have two grown children who live in Europe. They allow to be a part of their life. I am so grateful for that. My children are healthy now and so am I. I do something for my recovery every day. :D

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ann2
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Re: Am I Alone In This?

Post by ann2 » Mon Jan 06, 2014 1:25 pm

Hi Ally and welcome! So glad you found us! Very cool to read you ACoA was very helpful to me when I started my 4th step. Hope to read more from you!

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

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AlisonT
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Re: Am I Alone In This?

Post by AlisonT » Wed Jan 08, 2014 8:20 am

Welcome. I have been going through the same sort of questions - How much do I allow someone back into my life who has hurt me in the past? I've learned that forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. However if someone is working a program or trying to I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt, but slowly. Is there any way you can take your grandmother out of the equation? It sounds like the problem came from your grandmother telling your mother that she needed to spend more time with you and your mother is caught between your grandmother and her husband.

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