Too Angry to Confront

If you're not an alcoholic but have questions about AA, here's the place to ask them. Anyone may post messages and replies in this forum.
Post Reply
angyaf
Forums Newcomer
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon May 13, 2019 7:06 am

Too Angry to Confront

Post by angyaf » Mon May 13, 2019 7:18 am

Hello all - I am personally on my 46th day of sobriety from a non-alcohol substance. Even before I was sober, I was completely frustrated with my fiance's drinking. Now that I am sober, I can hardly contain it. Everything that I've read online says to confront the person when both parties are sober, and speak in a calm and non-accusatory way. But I am so angry. I can't find words to confront him about this that doesn't result in me becoming enraged. I've tried speaking in the mirror and journaling to try to work out what I will say. But it always ends with me screaming about it.

He is a completely understanding person and loves me, and he always wants me to share what I am feeling, specifically when it's about him and something he can fix. But talking about his alcoholism is so hard, whyy? I love this man, the sober version, and I want to spend my life with him. But as soon as he starts drinking, I withdraw. I want nothing to do with him. I will read, run errands and go to bed hours earlier than I want to to try to put some distance between us. And I'm becoming resentful.

My feelings aside, what is this doing to his health?? Last night, I counted five drinks in an hour in a half. Then I lost count. About three hours into his drinking, he had already consumed FOUR LITERS of diet soda and god knows how much whiskey.

I can't find a way to express my feelings without getting worked up. I need guidance. I thought maybe after screaming about it when I'm alone would eventually calm me down, but it hasn't.

User avatar
ebear
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 114
Joined: Thu Apr 25, 2019 11:26 am
Location: Irvington, NY

Re: Too Angry to Confront

Post by ebear » Mon May 13, 2019 10:21 am

Our sobriety is precious and needs to be protected. In the early days it is also quite precarious. The Serenity Prayer reminds me that there are things I cannot control--such as someone else's drinking--no matter how frustrated and desperate I feel. Other things--like the feelings of frustration and desperation--I can control with the help of my sponsor and my group. When I went out after 8 years of sobriety, I did so because my new girlfriend drank, and my alcoholism seized that opportunity to drag me out of the lifeboat and into the water. In my case, it was the powerful emotion of romance and the desire to people-please that I let overtake my interest in sobriety. In the back of my mind, though, I heard the echo of the admonitions of my friends in the program: stick with the winners; stay away from dangerous temptations; be wary of anger or any other deep emotional unsettling.

It sounds as though you are in a very tough spot, not only attached to a drinker but engaged to one whose drinking is out of control. Switching places, do you think a former drinking buddy could have talked you out of your addiction? Are your hopes realistic? (These aren't rhetorical questions.)

I wish you luck, and I pray that you can find the peace to protect yourself through the support of your friends in the program. I'm not sure negotiating with your mirror is the best method, especially given the lack of success you have had doing so thus far and the escalating pain it seems to bring you.
If you don't change direction, you'll end up where you're headed.

User avatar
PaigeB
Trusted Servant
Posts: 8161
Joined: Fri Jun 24, 2011 12:28 pm
Location: Iowa USA

Re: Too Angry to Confront

Post by PaigeB » Mon May 13, 2019 10:23 am

Hi. My Name is Paige and I am an alcoholic and the mother of alcoholics & addicts and friend of alcoholics galore.

I CANNOT HELP MY FAMILY. I am too close - It seems I have too much "investment" or something. I have to let them confront themselves or get another member talk with them. At 45 days to at least a year, we are barely able to help ourselves! Being "too angry" is likely because you have not worked the 12 Steps of the program you are in. When you are both working a program, there will be time to discuss things, but in AA we don't "confront" anybody. It is just NOT in our literature. So when you say
Everything that I've read online says to confront the person when both parties are sober, and speak in a calm and non-accusatory way.

It was not an AA reading. I have never heard of it in NA either, but it might be there.

If you love an alcoholic, no matter where you are in YOUR recovery, or where you are located in the world, you can seek some friendship and relief in Alanon https://al-anon.org/

Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc
Telephone: (757) 563-1600
Fax: (757) 563-1656
Email: wso@al-anon.org
Toll-free Meeting Line: (888) 425-2666

I hope you find some Peace and some Hope. I did.
Step 6 is "AA's way of stating, the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job... with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement." 12&12 Step Six, p.65

D'oh
Forums Long Timer
Posts: 839
Joined: Sun Jul 26, 2015 10:51 am

Re: Too Angry to Confront

Post by D'oh » Mon May 13, 2019 9:11 pm

First off, Glad you are here, Look after yourself.

Share a problem, you have 1/2 a problem!

Grant me the Serenity, to accept the things you cannot change.
Courage to change the things you can
And Wisdom to know "It is Me"

The Big Book States, "Our behavior will convince them more than our words." Part of the Nightly Meditation found starting on page 83, to 86 at night. 86 to 88 on Awakening.

I was told "No major decisions for 1 year." so at 45 days, try to give it a little time. Read those pages, the answer will come.

innermost
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 78
Joined: Thu May 16, 2019 3:12 pm

Re: Too Angry to Confront

Post by innermost » Thu Jun 06, 2019 10:54 am

Hello angyaf

Like others have said, there are groups to help cope with this sort of problem.
You never stated that you have a recovery group or how you are maintaining your sobriety.

In my opinion your anger or your wanting to confront another, to us is dangerous ground
as far as our personal recovery and sobriety.

I pray you focus on your recovery and that you can find peace within.
The first 164 pg. is the program!

Post Reply