Avoidance

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Avoidance

Postby Dave21043 » Fri Oct 02, 2015 7:14 pm

Hi everyone,

I have been in the program 102 days (as I am writing this right now). I have a sponsor and I am starting on Step 4. Before every meeting, my sponsor and I take a 15 minute walk and vent to each other about our day. My sponsor has approximately 27 years of sobriety and is a no nonsense kind of guy. I miss that being having served in the military for 9 years. Lately however, my sponsor has been telling me to avoid this person or that person. Never seek out an AA for professional services. Basically, I am getting the sense that I cannot trust many of these people and it's been turning me off to AA (not that I am going to stop going). My sponsor tells me these things, but then says to listen to them all because I don't want to miss the miracle of AA. So do I listen/trust these people or not? I'm starting to have more resentments towards people now that I have been in the program over 3 months. Can I please get advice on this as I feel I am going to have to tell my sponsor that I need to make a determination on who I should listen to or trust. Thanks
Best,

David
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Re: Avoidance

Postby leejosepho » Sat Oct 03, 2015 12:23 am

Hello, Dave! I took a look at your previous thread, and it sounds like you have made a good beginning.
Dave21043 wrote:I have a sponsor and I am starting on Step 4...

...my sponsor has been telling me to avoid this person or that person...I am getting the sense that I cannot trust many of these people...then [he] says to listen to them all...

So do I listen/trust these people or not?

Being open-minded without setting my brain out on the table so any passerby might easily play with it can be a challenge, and that challenge can be overcome by placing our focus on the practice of principles, not personalities. In other words, yes, I do my best to listen to anything anyone anywhere might ever have to say, and yes, I have learned some people are at times more trustworthy than others in the advice department...yet I definitely do not make lists of names of people to avoid.

When/Where I first got sober, my first sponsor was quick about advising me/us to "Read the book to know who to listen to in an A.A. meeting." Setting the matter of meetings aside since I spend much more time elsewhere, I soon adopted the larger idea of "Read the book to know who to listen to anywhere"...and then as I began learning about "principles over personalities" I changed that even more to something like "Read the book to know *what* to listen to from anyone anywhere."

Can everyone everywhere, everyone anywhere, or even anyone anywhere always be trusted? No comment. As someone had mentioned in your other thread, this world is like a huge stage filled with actors where any one or more of us might at any given moment be trying to run the show, and that never works out well for anyone. Sometimes with good motives and sometimes not -- motives are actually irrelevant anyway -- there have been times when I have wanted to just "clear the entire stage" and then bring back only the actors who can be trusted to only play their assigned roles...and then I realized there I was again trying to run the whole show!

Read the book to learn about the miracle, look for it in others and then share what you find and experience in your own time.
=======================
"We A.A.s do not *stay* away from drinking [one day at a
time] -- we *grow* away from drinking [one day at a time]."
("Lois Remembers", page 168, quoting Bill, emphasis added)
=======================
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Re: Avoidance

Postby tyg » Sun Oct 04, 2015 9:29 pm

Dave21043 said: I feel I am going to have to tell my sponsor that I need to make a determination on who I should listen to or trust.

My suggestion would be to pray on what to do about this situation and then listen for the answers that come.
Maybe you will decide to talk with sponsor and let them know how you feel, and how this is affecting you and your attitude towards others.
I've had to do that when I've had issues with my sponsors and other people; most of the time it works itself out when I open up and talk to them about it. I have always felt better and it opens the door for what I may need to do next.

But I try to remember love, tolerance and not point out their faults and use "I and me" statements as in, "this is how it makes me feel or want to start acting." Or...as you stated, "I need to make a determination on who I should listen to or trust."

leejosepho wrote: "Read the book to know who to listen to in an A.A. meeting." Setting the matter of meetings aside since I spend much more time elsewhere, I soon adopted the larger idea of "Read the book to know who to listen to anywhere"...and then as I began learning about "principles over personalities" I changed that even more to something like "Read the book to know *what* to listen to from anyone anywhere."


I found this to come true for me also.
~The secret to the AA program is the first three words on page 112~
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Re: Avoidance

Postby katherine7 » Fri Jan 29, 2016 10:41 am

Dave21043 wrote:Hi everyone,

I have been in the program 102 days (as I am writing this right now). I have a sponsor and I am starting on Step 4. Before every meeting, my sponsor and I take a 15 minute walk and vent to each other about our day. My sponsor has approximately 27 years of sobriety and is a no nonsense kind of guy. I miss that being having served in the military for 9 years. Lately however, my sponsor has been telling me to avoid this person or that person. Never seek out an AA for professional services. Basically, I am getting the sense that I cannot trust many of these people and it's been turning me off to AA (not that I am going to stop going). My sponsor tells me these things, but then says to listen to them all because I don't want to miss the miracle of AA. So do I listen/trust these people or not? I'm starting to have more resentments towards people now that I have been in the program over 3 months. Can I please get advice on this as I feel I am going to have to tell my sponsor that I need to make a determination on who I should listen to or trust. Thanks


You should be to pray, talk with sponsors and must be remember love, tolerance and bearing.
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Re: Avoidance

Postby positrac » Tue Feb 02, 2016 4:47 am

Dave21043 wrote:Hi everyone,

I have been in the program 102 days (as I am writing this right now). I have a sponsor and I am starting on Step 4. Before every meeting, my sponsor and I take a 15 minute walk and vent to each other about our day. My sponsor has approximately 27 years of sobriety and is a no nonsense kind of guy. I miss that being having served in the military for 9 years. Lately however, my sponsor has been telling me to avoid this person or that person. Never seek out an AA for professional services. Basically, I am getting the sense that I cannot trust many of these people and it's been turning me off to AA (not that I am going to stop going). My sponsor tells me these things, but then says to listen to them all because I don't want to miss the miracle of AA. So do I listen/trust these people or not? I'm starting to have more resentments towards people now that I have been in the program over 3 months. Can I please get advice on this as I feel I am going to have to tell my sponsor that I need to make a determination on who I should listen to or trust. Thanks

Dave, you've heard the term opinions are like a-holes and you've got that part figured out. Us drunks and people of addiction come in various sizes and colors and my point is we and or I am a self center idiot and if I am not in check I will jam you up over my agenda. I have a good heart and most of the time my intentions are in the best means and I don't set out to be an idiot as I try to live and let live.

Tell your sponsor to explain his logic? Gossip is no good and make it clear as when we gather we do gossip the hell out of others as it is kind of natural. I wasn't defending gossip as much as you've got to make some barriers in your life with 90 plus days clean. But I also caution that you are green and clarity in decisions, and or people could take a minute and I have stepped on my better 1/2 on more than one occasion over my ego and or arrogance and making amends is not fun.

We are in the rooms and or online and this doesn't make us saints and that one could be argued by some and then I say take the source. So I recommend you go off line and have a sit down and request a change in ways you all decompress before the meeting with regards to principles before personalities as if this can't get addressed it will teach you a bad habit when you eventually sponsor that new guy. Just a though on the topic as you bring up a very valid concern and fresh eyes see things other might not recognize.
You must live your life from beginning to end: No one else can do it for you.
Hopi Proverb
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