Safety in the Meeting Rooms

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Re: Safety in the Meeting Rooms

Postby Whadahay » Mon Sep 17, 2012 11:00 pm

“The prospective partners need to be solid A.A.’s and long enough acquainted to know that their compatibility at spiritual, mental, and emotional levels is a FACT and not wishful thinking.” Bill W.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I am a femaie, so I am speaking from the female perspective. Of course, I can't expect everyone to read the entire article I wrote for the District newsletter because a few of the defensive comments pretty much showed me that it wasn't fully read.

Char: I know what you mean when women aren't very welcoming to the new woman that walks in through the door. And it's too bad. Because of my experience with this same issue, I make it a point to welcome women into the room - and if it works out, have other women join me in welcoming the female newcomer.

I didn't mean for folk to get defensive about this. And, I never said that 13 stepping was the ONLY safety concern in the meetings rooms. This was just the "topic" I chose - of many safety issues. And yes, there is more to the list about Safety in the Meeting Rooms than was posted here - that came from this year's General Service Conference.

I do believe that if a person who has a good amount of time in sobriety should leave the newcomer alone if the hidden agenda is "romantic." ... and IF the female newcomer is the one that comes on to the man, I would hope that the man NOT engage! He should introduce her to some strong AA 12-stepping women. At the same point, just because the newcomer woman comes on to a guy, it doesn't mean that he isn't also responsible for his own actions.

There should be a more open awareness of the toxicity of 13th Step behavior in our meeting rooms.

Well, I put my name on the article and it has been published in the monthly Sept Newsletter. I hope it gets some of the AA members in my District to think about this problem.
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Re: Safety in the Meeting Rooms

Postby Whadahay » Mon Sep 17, 2012 11:18 pm

At our Aug 6 District meeting, we were discussing doing a Workshop on Safety in the Meeting Rooms ... but after polling AA folk about their interest in this topic at a Workshop, the results were too low, so at the Sept 10 District meeting the Workshop format changed to "Service Opportunities." oh well, maybe next time there will be more interest.

Our entire So. MN Area has been discussing the list of Safety concerns at the Area Assembly and the GSRs are bringing them back to their groups. Can't wait until the next District meeting for more discussion and comments from the GSRs.
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Re: Safety in the Meeting Rooms

Postby Tommy-S » Tue Sep 18, 2012 4:27 am

Whadahay wrote:Our entire So. MN Area has been discussing the list of Safety concerns at the Area Assembly and the GSRs are bringing them back to their groups. Can't wait until the next District meeting for more discussion and comments from the GSRs.


Maybe you missed this?

char wrote:...I stopped going 2 meetings because i found that ... women would get together in there groups and ... no one would talk 2 me.So i just left right away.I felt out of place. ... Why not the women? ...Just curious as to why women won't help another women out? ...


WE don't have this problem in my groups because the Women approach the new gals, and we Men take care of the new guys. Simple, and it works.

Thanks
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Re: Safety in the Meeting Rooms

Postby AbiquiuSu » Tue Sep 25, 2012 12:43 pm

It makes a certain amount of sense that a person would want someone in their lives that understands their recovery. My husband and I are "boy meets girl on AA campus" and that is fine with us. I was never told to not date, and my sponsor left it to my discretion if I wanted to date anyone in AA. I handled anything the same as I would anywhere else, be it the gas station, work, the gun club, the spa or school... If someone asked me out and I wasn't interested, I simply said no. I wasn't a young innocent when I came in, but the advice that I was given at 16 works anywhere, anytime!

Now, this differs from overt behavior. If someone is pushing the envelop, there will be someone you can ask to put the person straight. But that too has happened IRL. The rooms are no different, and no one need feel that they must go out with anyone they don't want to or participate in anything else, for that matter, that runs contrary to better judgment.

I was on one of "those" sites where a person talked about all of the inappropriate behavior that went on in her meeting. That she regularly called AAWS in NY to vent what she thought. This is a person that wasn't even in AA any longer, but I wonder if it ever crossed her mind to ask for some help. Some people don't have social graces but they don't mean any harm. They might not understand boundaries, and if it is illegal, pursue your options there. I had very little experience with it in my group and I assumed that all meetings were that way.
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Re: Safety in the Meeting Rooms

Postby Service » Wed Oct 10, 2012 8:05 pm

Belive it or not it might not just be him !!! What is our part? have we been gullible to let other people guide us instead of intuitively knowing what to do in the promisses of A.A? or do we run and seek comfort from someone else including all.
The message is in the big Book don't jump from the fring pan into the fire as many have already done SOBER !!!
Last edited by Service on Wed Oct 10, 2012 8:08 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Safety in the Meeting Rooms

Postby jimbo d » Fri Oct 12, 2012 8:38 pm

In the Sex Portion of the 4th step there is a lot of talk about how AA deals with sexual relationships.

There are a few points worth mentioning here.

First is....there are a lot of absurd stances on sex.

Second is....AA is not the arbitraitor of anyones conduct in sex matters.

Third.... We all have sex problems.

fourth... After we look at our 4th step sex list, we tried to shape a new idea for our sex life.

fifth.... We asked GOD to mold ideas on this matter and help us to live up to them.

So why in meetings are telling people when they can date, or when they cannot. And whom they can date and whom they cannot. This is not what AA does. And most people in AA are romance failures, what the hell do we know about relationships? I get that people coming into AA are vulnerable emotionally. And elder AA's need to respect that. That is not using someones emotional state to thier advantage. But I think the newcomer, needs to be shown this in the book and make thier own decision. So, when a sponsee of mine comes to me with his head in the stars for her.... I show him this in the book and tell him, "if you want to be in a relationship. I would do a housecleaning of all your old ideas of how to behave in a relationship. And then when your done, you can ask God to mold your ideas, and help you live up to them. I am not going to tell what to do here, I am not a life coach." It's at this point most of sponsee protest doing a fourth step. I remind them that we must go to any length, and that any life ran on self will can hardly be a success, and relationships are not exempt. If they protest further, I tell them... Okay go on then. Generally after the buzz wears off from the romance.... and things start getting real. They come to me complaining about her, or thier heart broke. And I ask them if they are enough pain yet to do a 4th step. Now if my Sponsee has already gotten to this point in the program, knock yourself out. But I remind them to pray to God to mold thier ideas, and give them the strength to live up to them.

And if we fear that they might drink because of a relationship. " job or no job, wife or no wife" "either god has removed thier problem or he has not"
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Re: Safety in the Meeting Rooms

Postby avaneesh912 » Sat Oct 13, 2012 6:00 am

So why in meetings are telling people when they can date, or when they cannot. And whom they can date and whom they cannot. This is not what AA does. And most people in AA are romance failures, what the hell do we know about relationships?


Thats a good one.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Safety in the Meeting Rooms

Postby happycamper » Sat Oct 13, 2012 5:25 pm

I could be wrong .. and someone please tell me if I am.
But - isn't dating or not dating an 'outside' issue and we should have no opinion on it?

Our Primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to acheive sobriety.
Faith without works is dead
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Re: Safety in the Meeting Rooms

Postby kenyal » Sat Oct 13, 2012 6:17 pm

Part of getting sober was to begin to mature emotionally by living in reality, which meant shutting down the fantasy factory and listening to the wisdom offered by old-timers. Acting on my good old ideas which ran contrary to what the consensus of thought was among experienced members was always an option, but the results would be my responsibility alone.

Ive yet to discover how to dissuade a new person from doing the wrong things they are sure are good ideas in their special and unique circumstances.

Most often poor choices produce unpleasant results. If paths are commonly spoken of as having bad results, how surprised can a person be when they take that path and don't care for the outcome? I'm not willing to pin them down and sit on them until their obsession of the month passes.
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Re: Safety in the Meeting Rooms

Postby Whadahay » Fri Dec 07, 2012 6:47 pm

Hi Char,

I see the women cliques everywhere. I've been around enough though to realize that my part in the meeting rooms is to seek out the female newcomer and help her feel comfortable. Cliques are a little dangerous - in and out of AA, I believe. It's unfortunate that some women are like this.

I posted just one aspect of something that groups should be aware of as far as Safety in the Meetings go. It seems no matter what is posted, someone wants to be a thorn ... right Tom!?
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Re: Safety in the Meeting Rooms

Postby Whadahay » Fri Dec 07, 2012 6:50 pm

“The prospective partners need to be solid A.A.’s and long enough acquainted to know that their compatibility at spiritual, mental, and emotional levels is a FACT and not wishful thinking.” Bill W. Our common goal is the same - we want to be sober and safe.
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Re: Safety in the Meeting Rooms

Postby Tommy-S » Sat Dec 08, 2012 8:53 am

We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be arbiter of anyone's sex conduct (BB, pg 69)
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Re: Safety in the Meeting Rooms

Postby Cherylv » Thu Apr 14, 2016 10:35 am

I agree with women going to woman going to woman's meetings and seriously trying BB 12-STEP Study. They helped me tremendously.
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Re: Safety in the Meeting Rooms

Postby Noels » Thu Apr 14, 2016 12:32 pm

Ive seen this happen with a male friend of mine and can understand the concern although not exactly the same as the original post. The only thing that really concerns me is that the male alcoholics ive met in our various groups seem to crave love, understanding and acceptance so the first lady that looks their way and they're head over heels - love of my life, soulmate type of thing.
I've got a bit of a different outlook - I feel that if you "need" someone to make you feel good, whole and complete then best you learn to love yourself first or at the least - move into a relationship with Caution flashing red in big, bold letters right in front of your eyes.
But, as the previous posts stated - they don't listen. A few of us have warned this friend and asked him to slow down. Just enjoy the relationship and get to know each other first. More than that we can not do. We can just be there for them when they fall to help them up again.
Sad but True.
On this note I wish you all a good night. :D Sleep tight and sweet dreams. :D
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Re: Safety in the Meeting Rooms

Postby PaigeB » Thu Apr 14, 2016 1:28 pm

We feel for the first time when we get sober. We feel such Love in the rooms of AA. I imagine it is easy to get confused by Universal Love and Intimacy Love. Perhaps your friend could benefit from an inner research on the differences between the two...

AND TIME - yes take time! We alkies want it all NOW and then we want MORE!
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