My sponsor fired me last night

Most of us who recovered with AA's program did so with the help of a "sponsor". But what is sponsorship? How do I get one? Who can be a sponsor? What makes a good sponsor?
User avatar
avaneesh912
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 5171
Joined: Fri May 30, 2008 12:22 pm
Location: Atlanta, GA

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by avaneesh912 » Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:33 pm

To be honest, I find the idea of sharing deep fears, secrets, and such with someone who is not a licensed psychiatric practitioner, or a doctor/specialist trained in substance abuse very creepy. Talking about sex? Sounds perverted to me. The whole idea creeps me out. My personal affairs are none of anyone's business. I am a very private person.
For me to it was creepy. but my desire to recover was very strong so i found a 'tight lipped' person and did the fifth step. Now I have shared those secrets with few other people. Very liberating. If you don't find it try it with a psychiatrist or a priest. Do something my friend. This is a spiritual program of Action.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

BigD
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2011 1:30 pm

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by BigD » Sat Mar 24, 2012 3:44 pm

I can see a mental health professional through my work health insurance; I have written my fourth step out. I may try that. Thinking about it.

After that, what? I now have no sponsor. Can I do the rest of the steps by myself?

User avatar
avaneesh912
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 5171
Joined: Fri May 30, 2008 12:22 pm
Location: Atlanta, GA

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by avaneesh912 » Sat Mar 24, 2012 4:00 pm

Yes. Tell them what you are trying to do. They can help you highlight your selfishness and self-centeredness. There is a difference between selfish and being self-centered. There is a paragraph prior to the 4th step that clarifies that. In many workbooks they will not differentiate, but here it is:

==========================================================================================================================================================
Our actor is self-centered, ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?
==========================================================================================================================================================

The goal of this process is to figure out where you were selfish and self-centered and try not to repeat it from now on. For instance if you have been succumbing to your sexual desire and hurting many women, you stop it. Get married and stay with one. (This is just an example).

Yes, you can work the rest of the steps using the direction found in the Big Book. There are great workshops that you can use to guide you. Joe and Charlies' workshop is a great one on XA-Speakers (Dot) org that was of immense help to me.

Once you commence this way of work, you are not done, don't think you can go about carrying on with the old way of leading your life. Thats were 10th step comes into play. You check your character defects then and there. If you continue to mess up, you may have to back to your health professional and do a 5th.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

User avatar
Tommy-S
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 1696
Joined: Thu Jan 26, 2012 3:11 pm
Location: Norfolk, VA

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by Tommy-S » Sat Mar 24, 2012 4:58 pm

Oh
Last edited by Tommy-S on Sun May 06, 2012 7:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Together, we don't have to cave in or wimp out to that Fatal First One, no matter what today!

Layne
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 1672
Joined: Sun Oct 29, 2006 7:20 am
Location: British Virgin Islands

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by Layne » Sat Mar 24, 2012 7:33 pm

For instance, step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

As a Deist, I do not believe in a God who will restore me to sanity. God doesn't restore anyone to sanity. We must do that ourselves. God created the world and stepped back, gave us free will, and now he just watches. By not intervening in our lives, how would He restore anything?
It says could, it doesn't say would or will
step 3: turn our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

As a Deist, I do not believe in a God whom a life can be "turned over to." God doesn't do anything in our lives. He doesn't answer prayer. He doesn't listen to six billion of us. Sorry, I just don't buy it.
If the understanding of God is that he doesn't do anything in our lives and doesn't answer prayers, then the understanding is that he wants me to exercise the free will that he gave me, which is his will for me.
Steps 6/7: Were ready to have God to remove/Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.

My God, as I understand/believe Him, will not remove anything. If I have shortcomings, I need to work on them myself.
It says were entirely ready and humbly ask, it doesn't say that he will.

BigD
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2011 1:30 pm

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by BigD » Sat Mar 24, 2012 8:51 pm

Layne wrote:If the understanding of God is that he doesn't do anything in our lives and doesn't answer prayers, then the understanding is that he wants me to exercise the free will that he gave me, which is his will for me.
That sounds interesting, I will chew on that a bit. Makes sense to me! Thanks.
Layne wrote:
BigD wrote:My God, as I understand/believe Him, will not remove anything. If I have shortcomings, I need to work on them myself.
It says were entirely ready and humbly ask, it doesn't say that he will.
This sounds like a placebo: it works because you believe it works. "It doesn't say he will"? Then why ask? I may as well ask my Dog to relieve my alcoholism.

Layne
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 1672
Joined: Sun Oct 29, 2006 7:20 am
Location: British Virgin Islands

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by Layne » Sat Mar 24, 2012 9:01 pm

It also means that you have thought long and hard about the exact nature of your defects and shortcomings, not merely glossed over them; real introspection and soul searching. Identifying and recognizing are crucial and necessary before any attempts at rectifying can begin. It also means that you have begun to have humility and to experience what it means to be humble, to whittle away at the ego.

BigD
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2011 1:30 pm

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by BigD » Sat Mar 24, 2012 9:46 pm

What is wrong with ego? It is necessary to have low self esteem in order to get sober?

Layne
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 1672
Joined: Sun Oct 29, 2006 7:20 am
Location: British Virgin Islands

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by Layne » Sat Mar 24, 2012 10:54 pm

For me, ego (false pride) goes hand in hand with denial. They feed each other. Stripping away the ego doesn't leave low self esteem as the result, quite the opposite. True humility involves realizing that I know more than I think I do, but also realizing that I know less than I need to.

User avatar
Tosh
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 3743
Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 10:43 am

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by Tosh » Mon Mar 26, 2012 2:33 pm

Big D, where did you get to in the program?
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

User avatar
Tosh
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 3743
Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 10:43 am

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by Tosh » Mon Mar 26, 2012 2:41 pm

BigD wrote: This sounds like a placebo: it works because you believe it works. "It doesn't say he will"? Then why ask? I may as well ask my Dog to relieve my alcoholism.
Why not try that? Make your dog your higher power? Seriously? But make sure you do the actions - it's a program of action - not beliefs.

And why is it you try to put up hurdles? Many of us have gotten the required result from the 12 Steps without believing in a traditional God concept. A concept is nothing but an abstract idea anyway - look the word up in a dictionary (I did). As human beings, our whole world is constructed in concepts; even this computer is a concept - an idea - in my head. Sounds strange? Yeh, but I can analytically and rationally explain how everything is a concept.

As for your 'low self esteem' post; that is also a concept. Humility isn't servility, true humility is having an ACCURATE self concept of ourselves; and you will get that from doing a fearless and honest Step 4 and Step 5. It takes some courage to do this, and I wonder if you put hurdles up to avoid doing it?

Anyone can argue about the non-existence of God, but not everyone has the balls to do the really tough bits of the program, the inventory, the speaking about it with another human being, being willing to change, and making amends.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

countrynewsman
Forums Newcomer
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2012 8:51 am

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by countrynewsman » Mon Mar 26, 2012 3:35 pm

Page 96 of the BB should explain why your sponsor "fired" you. Keep procrastinating on the 5th and you'll wind up drinking a 5th. I wish you the best.

Lali
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 4296
Joined: Sat Jan 31, 2009 8:13 am

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by Lali » Mon Mar 26, 2012 4:03 pm

Seems to me that BigD does not want to get sober. We should leave him to find a new group (other than AA) as he has stated he wants to do.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

BigD
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2011 1:30 pm

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by BigD » Mon Mar 26, 2012 8:13 pm

Tosh wrote:Big D, where did you get to in the program?
I first got sober in 1990, did all 12 steps with a sponsor. Quit going to meetings after two years, stayed off the liquor for the next 18 years. Then in year 20 I started back again.

Doing a fifth step is not foreign to me, I did one in 1990.

At present, I have written a complete, multipage step 4. Have not shared with anyone, so I guess that's where I'm stuck.
Last edited by BigD on Mon Mar 26, 2012 8:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

BigD
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2011 1:30 pm

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by BigD » Mon Mar 26, 2012 8:17 pm

Lali wrote:Seems to me that BigD does not want to get sober.
You could not be more wrong.
Lali wrote:We should leave him to find a new group (other than AA) as he has stated he wants to do.
I have an open mind. If some other program will help me better, I will go with that. Again, no disrespect to the millions who have stayed sober this way. I appreciate the help, and I'm not ready to abandon AA just yet. Although a lot in AA seem ready to abandon me. It's my sobriety and I have to do what I feel is best for me. You do what works for you, and I sure appreciate the sharing of ESH. Maybe it'll stick, we'll see. I still attend meetings where I hear all the time "I didn't get this program for "x" years" or "My first three years I was in and out, in and out, then I finally got into action and it's working now." "Stick around until the miracle happens."

So we'll see.

Locked