My sponsor fired me last night

Most of us who recovered with AA's program did so with the help of a "sponsor". But what is sponsorship? How do I get one? Who can be a sponsor? What makes a good sponsor?
BigD
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2011 1:30 pm

My sponsor fired me last night

Post by BigD » Fri Mar 23, 2012 10:11 am

Guess he's tired of messing with me.

I drank again Wednesday. Didn't call him as I usually do, so he knew something was up. This is the third slip I've had in the year we've been together. He says that when I decide to get serious about wanting to stay sober, let him know. Until then, "I guess I'll see you at the meetings, have fun getting drunk."

He sure was pissed. I guess this is his version of tough love. We have a saying in my home group-- whenever someone goes out and comes back, the group welcomes him back with the phrase, "good to have you back, we don't shoot our wounded around here."

But there's a contradiction, too--I've heard many shares along the lines of "one day if you keep going out there and trying it again, that door over there won't open for you anymore." or "you'll find that the bus doesn't stop at this stop anymore."

So which is it? I keep coming to meetings, but I struggle. I drink from time to time. But I keep coming back. "The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking."

Guess he doesn't think I have the desire. But I do, I just...hell, I don't know. Feeling mixed up today.

Can't say as I blame him. He's kept after me to do the fifth step and I've kept procrastinating. Can't bring myself.

Maybe I'm not made for AA. He sure sounded disappointed in me, and I understand. I have a resentment about it now, that's for sure.

Thanks for letting me share. I am BigD and I'm an alcoholic.

User avatar
Karl R
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 3701
Joined: Sat Jul 19, 2008 3:06 pm

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by Karl R » Fri Mar 23, 2012 10:38 am

Hello BigD,

You might benefit from reading "slips and human nature" by Dr. Silkworth. Google the title or send me a private message and I'll send it to you.

Some phrases...you might recognize them from the Big Book.

-fearless and thorough from the very start
-going to any lengths

and moreso what the book says in the introduction to the 5th step section:
The best reason first: If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking.
So....bottom line. Were you following the directions for the AA technique/program? It's never too late to do so.

Welcome back.

regards,
karl

User avatar
Tommy-S
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 1696
Joined: Thu Jan 26, 2012 3:11 pm
Location: Norfolk, VA

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by Tommy-S » Fri Mar 23, 2012 11:42 am

Delete
Last edited by Tommy-S on Sun May 06, 2012 7:44 pm, edited 4 times in total.
Together, we don't have to cave in or wimp out to that Fatal First One, no matter what today!

User avatar
PaigeB
Trusted Servant
Posts: 8316
Joined: Fri Jun 24, 2011 12:28 pm
Location: Iowa USA

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by PaigeB » Fri Mar 23, 2012 12:40 pm

Karl said: Some phrases...you might recognize them from the Big Book.

-fearless and thorough from the very start
-going to any lengths
Going to any length and ceased fighting (pg84) seemed like a contradiction to me. They told me to get busy - cleaning my toilet... WTH?! How in the heck is that supposed to keep me sober?! I didn't clean the toilet though, but I did wash walls. And I did make a call and pretty soon a gal was at my house and we sat for a while and chatted. It was Christmas Eve. EVERYONE has something else they could be doing including me! But I wanted a drink so bad that I was literally considering murder as an option. One fraction of a second at a time I just didn't drink. I didn't fight it either, I did something besides drink.

Sometimes this 24 hour program is a minute by minute program. I didn't drink and I didn't commit murder. I reached out for help instead of reaching out for the drink - the hand of AA was there.

That is what "going to any length" and "ceased fighting" looked like to me.

I would wish you luck, but you don't need that. I wish you ACTION.

AA hugs.
Step 6 is "AA's way of stating, the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job... with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement." 12&12 Step Six, p.65

Lali
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 4296
Joined: Sat Jan 31, 2009 8:13 am

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by Lali » Fri Mar 23, 2012 3:57 pm

Big D stated:
He's kept after me to do the fifth step and I've kept procrastinating.

You have drank 3 times in the year you have been with him and he has to "keep after you" to work the steps? I would have fired you too. He's not working with you because it's fun. He's tring to help you. Now, he'd rather spend his time with a sponsee that's interested in working the program.

Big D stated:
I have a resentment about it now, that's for sure.

Why???
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

User avatar
johnd
Forums Long Timer
Posts: 721
Joined: Wed Nov 09, 2011 2:50 pm
Location: Massachusetts

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by johnd » Fri Mar 23, 2012 5:56 pm

Big D
Whether you realize it or not your sponsor cared about you.He was trying to show you how to stay sober
and never have to find it necessary to drink again. Yes the only requirement is to stop drinking but it also states
that you have to put some effort into it. I came up in AA through the school of hard knocks. Sure we will help you
but you have to help yourself too. If you keep coming in to get the heat off or whatever you'd better think again.
We are trying to save our own lives and help those who really want to save thiers. I've seen many come in and go back out
and the ones who do make it back are lucky. I'm a 100%er meaning when they asked me if I was willing to go to any lengths
to get sober and stay sober you should do what we do. I don't know why you have a resentment toward someone that made
himself available to you... if anything it's on you. Resentments don't get you sober, he obiviously knew your pattern and he was
sick and tired of baby sitting. My original sponsor told me call him anytime but if I'm drunk don't call me, I offered my number to him
and he said I won't be calling, you have to call me.... Might sound like tough love but that was how it worked for me and I am
grateful it happened that way for me.. I had to chase it like I chased a drink.. So if you have an honest sincere desire to stop drinking
get on board and listen and utilize the fellowship it's there if you want it John D alcoholic
Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans- Anonymous

BigD
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2011 1:30 pm

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by BigD » Fri Mar 23, 2012 7:06 pm

Lali wrote: he'd rather spend his time with a sponsee that's interested in working the program.
I guess that's the problem. I don't really believe in the program of AA. I don't believe in all the God stuff that is constantly referred to in the books and meetings. I should probably try something else. All due respect to the multitudes who have gotten sober this way. A lot of people have gotten sober other ways, too. Still looking.

BigD
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2011 1:30 pm

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by BigD » Fri Mar 23, 2012 7:08 pm

johnd wrote: Yes the only requirement is to stop drinking
correction: the only requirement to being a member of AA is a desire to stop drinking. I have the desire, but I slip. I'm not sure that telling someone all my fears will help me.

User avatar
avaneesh912
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 5154
Joined: Fri May 30, 2008 12:22 pm
Location: Atlanta, GA

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by avaneesh912 » Fri Mar 23, 2012 7:12 pm

the only requirement to being a member of AA is a desire to stop drinking. I have the desire, but I slip.

That is because you are an alcoholic. Without getting attached to the power we all will slip.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

BigD
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2011 1:30 pm

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by BigD » Fri Mar 23, 2012 7:25 pm

avaneesh912 wrote: Without getting attached to the power we all will slip.
What about people who get sober without AA? They do exist, you know.

And, please define "the power." If you mean God, I am a Deist,who doesn't believe God works in our lives at all. Is AA for me?

User avatar
avaneesh912
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 5154
Joined: Fri May 30, 2008 12:22 pm
Location: Atlanta, GA

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by avaneesh912 » Fri Mar 23, 2012 7:33 pm

Figure out the short-comings/character defects via the 4th step and start addressing those and also start making amends and work the 10th (watching for the short-comings to keep coming back). You will find the power to overcome this spiritual malady.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

User avatar
Todd M
Trusted Servant
Posts: 832
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 3:35 pm
Location: The Pacific NW, the Evergreen State of WA

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by Todd M » Fri Mar 23, 2012 7:53 pm

Sponsor and Digging into the root, the emotion, or the thing that lead to that first drink

Welcome to a New Start… with more understanding about the first drink we stay sober.
we are Worth It… It did not sound like your sponsor fired you… Deadly first Drink!
Yikes! Are you Ready to Sit down with him and other members you trust, and Dig?

My Sponsor and I and 2 more members sat down with man who Slipped.
He took that first drink, and was Out-Of-It for 3 days…
the Man came right back, and felt lost at how and when it all started…
After the Meeting several of us stuck around with the man.
The Man was VERY “Willing” to stay and Talk it Out… He was feeling very puzzled.

I had been sober for around 8 months, and sat quietly as the 4 other members dug down with the man, asking all sorts of questions, trying to help him figure out “When” the whole thought about “needing” to take that first drink began.
Sitting around the table it took at least most 30 minutes before he got to the Root. T
he kind yet direct questions slowly took the man back in time, to that point when the obsessions started “I am going to ‘have to have’ a Drink.”

The final answer was when the man’s brother arrived in town and wanted to crash for a few days. The Obsessions started. Right There was when the man knew it would lead him back to old drinking.

The Man did not Call his Sponsor, or go to meetings. He gave all his attention to his brother, the man lasted 3 days without a drink before he gave in to his brother, and went out on the town.
First the man was trying to prove he could be around booze and not drink,
then he had to prove he could still ‘drink like a man’ and Failed miserably again.

That showed me that day, how intense work with another alcoholic helped all of us grow. How Polite but Tough the ol’ members could be, while still helping the man dig for the answers.
I did speak up once or twice and ask a couple of questions. I could call that my First Classic step-12 call.

Since then I have observed some who seem to drink, just to get attention, or to condemn the group for not fixing them.
In the end, everyone gets to Do these steps for themselves. No one can do the Steps for them.

From the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions … Tradition-3… Parts of

Quite a while later, Ed got a sales job which took him out of town. At the end of a few days, the news came in. He'd sent a telegram for money, and everybody knew what that meant! Then he got on the phone. In those days, we'd go anywhere on a Twelfth Step job, no matter how unpromising. But this time nobody stirred. "Leave him alone! Let him try it by himself for once; maybe he'll learn a lesson!"

About two weeks later, Ed stole by night into an A.A. member's house, and unknown to the family, went to bed. Daylight found the master of the house and another friend drinking their morning coffee. A noise was heard on the stairs. To their consternation, Ed appeared. A quizzical smile on his lips, he said, "Have you fellows had your morning meditation?" They quickly sensed that he was quite in earnest. In fragments, his story came out.

In a neighboring state, Ed had holed up in a cheap hotel. After all his please for help had been rebuffed, these words rang in his fevered mind. "They have deserted me. I have been deserted by my own kind. This is the end . . . Nothing is left." As he tossed on his bed, his hand brushed the bureau near by, touching a book. Opening the book, he read. It was a Gideon Bible. Ed never confided any more of what he saw and felt in that hotel room. It was the year 1938. He hasn't had a drink since.


Nowadays, when oldtimers who know Ed foregather, they exclaim, "What if we had actually succeeded in throwing Ed out for blasphemy? What would have happened to him and all the others he later helped?"

So the hand of Providence early gave us a sign that any alcoholic is a member of our Society when he says so.
There is Hope, Todd M
Keep it Simple

The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link:
http://www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php

BigD
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2011 1:30 pm

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by BigD » Fri Mar 23, 2012 8:12 pm

avaneesh912 wrote:Figure out the short-comings/character defects via the 4th step and start addressing those and also start making amends and work the 10th (watching for the short-comings to keep coming back). You will find the power to overcome this spiritual malady.
No one has been ever been able to answer this question to my satisfaction, so I'll ask it here: do we drink because we have shortcomings/defects, or because we have an illness and are powerless? If I'm powerless, what do my shortcomings have to do with it?

serious question. BTW, thanks for all the replies. You guys are great for listening to my BS

User avatar
PaigeB
Trusted Servant
Posts: 8316
Joined: Fri Jun 24, 2011 12:28 pm
Location: Iowa USA

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by PaigeB » Fri Mar 23, 2012 9:29 pm

Hi again. I am an atheist and I have not found it necessary to take a drink since August 1, 2008. I may not have 20 years, but I have a sponsor who does. I am actively working the step of Alcoholics Anonymous without a deity. I was successful again today thanks to this program.

Perhaps, without a god, I had to throw my self into the action part of this program more than others... if I don't do it who will?

No excuses for me. I ceased fighting and started be willing to be willing to get busy.

As for character defect... is it so hard to believe that our drinking controlled our mind? Our mind made us take actions that were not nice. Running around acting on those not nice thought processes makes me feel bad inside. My 1st solution is alcohol. But I ran out of room on that road. AA was the last house on the block for me.
Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. There you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship, and so will you.
You will find that in the Big Book that is the basic text for surviving life without alcohol.

Get busy living, or get busy dying. :wink: (John Wayne? eek! sorry!)
Step 6 is "AA's way of stating, the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job... with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement." 12&12 Step Six, p.65

Layne
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 1657
Joined: Sun Oct 29, 2006 7:20 am
Location: British Virgin Islands

Re: My sponsor fired me last night

Post by Layne » Fri Mar 23, 2012 9:58 pm

I can't answer for we but I can answer for me. I drank initially because of short comings. My drinking then opened the door for my disease of alcoholism. It is kind of a which came first question, the chicken or the egg.

What difference does it matter really? It just is. Knowing the answer won't change the "is". I struggled for years because I wanted answers. The all important, all mighty answers. I was so blinded by my quest for answers that I couldn't see the solution had already been freely given to me.

Today I focus more on solutions than on answers. I ceased fighting. I accept.

Locked