Telling sponsor I am gay

Most of us who recovered with AA's program did so with the help of a "sponsor". But what is sponsorship? How do I get one? Who can be a sponsor? What makes a good sponsor?

Telling sponsor I am gay

Postby keith-d » Sun Dec 24, 2017 7:36 pm

I have just gotten back to AA after 3 years. I was almost 3 years sober and relapsed, I know it was because I didn't go thru the steps. I know have a sponsor I will begin working with after the holidays. I feel I am going to have to be completely honest with this person for success. I have always been ashamed of my sexuality, never had a relationship, and only a handful of experiences. I am finally more comfortable with myself at 53 years old and coming out to a few people and getting no negative reactions. I know I really can't make a decision on this until I know this person better. Is it necessary to completely divulge all your secrets as you work thru the steps with your sponsor? I am worried about the 4 step and your sexual misconduct. I have done things that were not illegal, but definitely immoral. opinions?
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Re: Telling sponsor I am gay

Postby avaneesh912 » Sun Dec 24, 2017 9:11 pm

Welcome to the forum Keith. The 5th step is where the sponsor will help you see the selfishness and self-centeredness around the resentments, fear and relationship issues. I commend your initiation toward that process. Definitely share with your sponsor whatever is eating your lunch. But ensure that you don't put the sponsor into legal obligation. You may want to save those for lawyers/psychiatrist there are many in AA that could find you one.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Telling sponsor I am gay

Postby Brock » Mon Dec 25, 2017 7:05 am

I think it’s very good you see not doing the steps as the cause of your relapse, the same thing happened to me, and after doing them I am now happily sober for a good few years.

I think it is necessary to divulge stuff which you feel ‘ashamed’ of, we all experiment sexually, but I find it important to decide for myself if something is wrong, and certainly not let some religious doctrine guide me in what is right or wrong. Like many others, I was bought up being forced to attend church, and having to confess to a priest things like masturbation, because according to them it was a sin, now I decide for myself what is right or wrong, and nobody else can judge.

I was a bit worried at my 5th about this, and started with other things like the list of people I resented, and left the sex stuff for last. The person I did it with seemed quite comfortable, so I said everything, he only said “I have heard worse.” If I did not feel comfortable enough with him, I was going to stop before the sex part and do that with somebody else, as the book suggests we can.

I was encouraged by a speaker tape I had heard I think by Clancy, he said he would drive now and then to a meeting about an hour and a half from his home, and often take someone who wanted to do their 5th. He said on the way home he would tell the person to go ahead and hold back nothing, but warned them it was a long drive late at night, and he tended to fall asleep with boring stories like having sex with a goat. I expect he would chuckle so the person would know it’s a joke, but at least they would be at ease knowing that nothing shocked him.

My experience was telling someone else this stuff sort of shed light on it, and I was able to forgive myself and I don’t really even think about it now. Once we start speaking it gets easier, don’t let these steps scare you too much, and best of luck.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Telling sponsor I am gay

Postby keith-d » Mon Dec 25, 2017 7:42 am

Thank you so much for your response Brock, I feel much better. When I was going to AA before, I stopped at the 4th step, and if I had had the guts then that I do now, I would have gone thru the steps and not be in the predicament I am in now. Even with all the legal issues I will be facing, I still feel like I will be OK. I have met up with old friends and made several new ones since Thursday when I went back. I have no job, my truck is about to be repossessed, yet I still feel like I will be ok. My stepdad has helped me immensely, so I at least won't be homeless. At noon I will be at my 12th meeting since Thursday, and it feels so good to be back around people again. Thank you again for the advice.
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Re: Telling sponsor I am gay

Postby Spirit Flower » Mon Dec 25, 2017 7:50 am

AA big book gives options for who hears your 5th step. Some people to choose to tell some things to clergy or to doctors. Some tell everything to their sponsor. My sponsor told me to go to my psychologist.
Read also the 12x12 thoroughly.
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Re: Telling sponsor I am gay

Postby Blue Moon » Mon Dec 25, 2017 9:27 pm

In whose opinion is something immoral? The truth is that there is literally nothing you could have done that wasn't done by many others in AA. If we could all be out there drinking and carrying on as we had been with no consequences, AA itself would not exist.

If your sponsor has been through the Steps, they would understand this. So just take 1 Step at a time. You're not ready for Step 5 until you've taken 4 before it.
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Re: Telling sponsor I am gay

Postby positrac » Tue Dec 26, 2017 4:17 am

^^^^ Above post does identify the human aspect of our biggest secrets and as noted we sure didn't create and or coin these events we've deemed ashamed of. ^^^^

I believe that if your motives are clean, clear and under no expectations then this concern of yours is but a thing between your ears and just learn to move on and get on to living life. By accomplishing the steps and also learning to live different you'll see a clear difference in your future. Also in time I believe you'll have something to offer the alcoholic who suffers and your experience might be that lifeline necessary to save a fellow human from mental torture.
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Re: Telling sponsor I am gay

Postby clouds » Wed Dec 27, 2017 4:57 am

I don't think you need to talk about anything you feel uncomfortable sharing until you feel ok with sharing it. In time, if you still don't feel you can trust your sponsor with this, for me, I'd be looking for someone else as my sponsor.
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: Telling sponsor I am gay

Postby Tosh » Fri Jan 05, 2018 7:13 am

keith-d wrote:Is it necessary to completely divulge all your secrets as you work thru the steps with your sponsor? I am worried about the 4 step and your sexual misconduct. I have done things that were not illegal, but definitely immoral. opinions?


It's the 21st Century; most folk don't care what your sexual orientation is, and those who do, shouldn't.

On our 4th Steps we make a list of those we've harmed through our use of sex. I don't care much for the word 'immoral', because what's immoral to one person isn't immoral to the next.

This is what the Big Book says on the matter:

Now about sex. Many of needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes--absurd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?

We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.

In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test--was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.

Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. in meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.

God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.

Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk? Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.

To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.


I think the above goes beyond what we're taught is 'right' or 'wrong' culturally and applies to us all, no matter what our sexual orientation is.

To thine self be true 'n' all that.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)
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