Confused, alone and looking for guidance

Most of us who recovered with AA's program did so with the help of a "sponsor". But what is sponsorship? How do I get one? Who can be a sponsor? What makes a good sponsor?

Re: Confused, alone and looking for guidance

Postby Tosh » Mon May 23, 2016 8:47 am

Feeya wrote:I would probably be able to get to a meeting earlier... but I can't. And there we are again with the "I can't."


That's fair enough, there's some things I think I can't do either. You've actually made me ponder one of them. The thing about the thought "I can't" is that it's just that, a thought; some neurons firing in our heads. There's no inherent truth to it in reality, because as we both know, you could. I swear by prayer to help in situations like this.

I love the phrase "Bring the body and the mind will follow!"

I'm a procrastinator too, Feeya! :lol:

Friday will be fine; I'm just impatient for you on your behalf. :oops:

Stay safe in the meantime.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)
User avatar
Tosh
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 3647
Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 10:43 am

Re: Confused, alone and looking for guidance

Postby Tosh » Mon May 23, 2016 2:43 pm

Feeya wrote:Well... Friday is a long way off, that is true...
I would probably be able to get to a meeting earlier... but I can't. And there we are again with the "I can't."


And you did go to a meeting. Wow!

There is something called a 'negativity bias' that we have. Have a google; it's interesting stuff; but the lesson is that our thoughts and feelings often aren't 'reality'. Don't believe your negative mind; it lies.

Tosh
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)
User avatar
Tosh
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 3647
Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 10:43 am

Re: Confused, alone and looking for guidance

Postby Feeya » Mon May 23, 2016 11:29 pm

"The negativity bias (also known as the negativity effect) refers to the notion that, even when of equal intensity, things of a more negative nature (e.g. unpleasant thoughts, emotions, or social interactions; harmful/traumatic events) have a greater effect on one's psychological state and processes than do neutral or positive things."

That is actually very interesting and I see myself in that 100 %!
Is that why people keep recreating trauma sometimes? Because it feels more intense and they get a kick out of it?
Why does negativity feel more intense than positive things? Would the human mind not be automatically drawn to the positive thing, since that doesn't harm or hurt us?
Is that what makes us alcoholics?

Feeya
One day at a time.
User avatar
Feeya
Forums Contributor
 
Posts: 326
Joined: Sat May 21, 2016 6:53 am

Re: Confused, alone and looking for guidance

Postby PaigeB » Tue May 24, 2016 1:18 am

I think we pay MORE attention to things that we think may harm us as a protective mechanism. This basic instinct to fight or flight... it has ceased to work for me and surrender was the only option left. Surrender to the disease (your & everyone else's) and I became free!

We don't pay attention to positive things because we can never get enough anyway. It always felt to me like I get something and immediately my mind was cutting it down, saying it came too late or that I deserved MORE...

Either way, I have catastrophic thinking... no matter what happens, good or bad, I go all the way to the worst possible outcome then try to think my way out of it. I have found I have to stop this fantasizing! If you have a 4th edition of the Big Book, read the last page of the last story!

Hang in there - keep coming back. Get a sponsor and work the Steps. That is where the recovery is.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php
User avatar
PaigeB
Trusted Servant
 
Posts: 10392
Joined: Fri Jun 24, 2011 12:28 pm
Location: Iowa USA

Re: Confused, alone and looking for guidance

Postby Feeya » Tue May 24, 2016 1:35 am

We are taught to differentiate between our wants
(which are never satisfied) and our needs (which are
always provided for). We cast off the burdens of the
past and the anxieties of the future, as we begin to
live in the present, one day at a time.


I'm assuming that that is what you are talking about...

Yeah, I will probably go to my second meeting tonight and I guess I will start working the steps at some point... as soon as I have got a sponsor...
Thank you,
Feeya
One day at a time.
User avatar
Feeya
Forums Contributor
 
Posts: 326
Joined: Sat May 21, 2016 6:53 am

Re: Confused, alone and looking for guidance

Postby avaneesh912 » Tue May 24, 2016 3:37 am

Welcome Feeya. There are some great workshops that can kick start your journey. What is best is you can load them on to your phone and carry them any where. Thats what I did early in my recovery. Even today I recollect that was the best I did. The sponsor came little bit later but those WS were so invaluable.
You can go to Xa-Speakers and there will be plenty to chose from.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
User avatar
avaneesh912
Trusted Servant
 
Posts: 4643
Joined: Fri May 30, 2008 12:22 pm
Location: Atlanta, GA

Re: Confused, alone and looking for guidance

Postby Tosh » Tue May 24, 2016 5:59 am

Feeya wrote:Is that what makes us alcoholics?


In A.A. we don't work out why we're alcoholics because it's a pointless exercise and may just lead to further confusion and drinking.

We start with the premise that 'We were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable'.

It's a bit like realising we're alcoholics, we can't live the way we are, so here's a program of action... (the 12 Steps).

In another spiritual tradition they have this story called The Arrow Sutra where a bloke gets shot with an arrow and refuses all medical assistance until he's found everything out about his situation and why he was shot with the arrow. "Who made the arrow? What was the fletchings made from? Who shot the arrow? Why did he shoot the arrow?

In the meantime he's dying.

That's a bit like us trying to work out WHY we're an alcoholic. We could spend an awful lot of time trying to work it out and even if we did find out the answer, we'd still be alcoholics wanting to drink. As I say, the 'why' is a pointless exercise and probably just involves some kind of blame game; which isn't a healthy route to take.

As for the negativity bias, I think it's just an evolutionary development. If someone drank from a poisoned water supply, it would be good for our brains to really remember that and to be careful where we get our water from. So S*** sticks to our minds. Then we compare our perceived future with our pasts and all we seem to remember is the S*** that stuck, we assume that's going to be our future too and we feel doomed. :lol:
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)
User avatar
Tosh
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 3647
Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 10:43 am

Re: Confused, alone and looking for guidance

Postby Feeya » Tue May 24, 2016 6:36 am

In A.A. we don't work out why we're alcoholics because it's a pointless exercise and may just lead to further confusion and drinking.

We start with the premise that 'We were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable'.


I find it very difficult to look at it that way... because I feel like if I want to change my behaviour (in this case drinking and drugs) I need to get to the roots of that, don't I? I feel like I need to find out everything about WHY I can't stop, in order to be able to stop...
I do understand the concept that we are powerless over alcoholism... It is just that I feel like, once I figure it out I won't be powerless over that anymore and that is when I move on!
Maybe that is why I have such a hard time with the part of 'surrendering', because if you stop fighting, doesn't that mean you lose? I mean, you can only win if you educate yourself and fight this? Or am I completely off here?

I am sorry if this doesn't make any sense or if this offends anyone... I'm just trying to understand :?
One day at a time.
User avatar
Feeya
Forums Contributor
 
Posts: 326
Joined: Sat May 21, 2016 6:53 am

Re: Confused, alone and looking for guidance

Postby Feeya » Tue May 24, 2016 6:38 am

avaneesh912 wrote:You can go to Xa-Speakers and there will be plenty to chose from.


Thank you, I am already checking out that side and I will make sure I get some things on my phone to listen to when I'm out of the house!
One day at a time.
User avatar
Feeya
Forums Contributor
 
Posts: 326
Joined: Sat May 21, 2016 6:53 am

Re: Confused, alone and looking for guidance

Postby Tosh » Tue May 24, 2016 7:47 am

Feeya wrote:In A.A. we don't work out why we're alcoholics because it's a pointless exercise and may just lead to further confusion and drinking.

We start with the premise that 'We were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable'.


I find it very difficult to look at it that way... because I feel like if I want to change my behaviour (in this case drinking and drugs) I need to get to the roots of that, don't I? I feel like I need to find out everything about WHY I can't stop, in order to be able to stop...
I do understand the concept that we are powerless over alcoholism... It is just that I feel like, once I figure it out I won't be powerless over that anymore and that is when I move on!
Maybe that is why I have such a hard time with the part of 'surrendering', because if you stop fighting, doesn't that mean you lose? I mean, you can only win if you educate yourself and fight this? Or am I completely off here?

I am sorry if this doesn't make any sense or if this offends anyone... I'm just trying to understand :?


Actually A.A. does show us - and it does via a Step 4 - what the roots of all our troubles stem from, but to be honest, at this point, an intellectual debate over what this is about probably wouldn't be much use.

And if I somehow don't explain it properly; misunderstanding might happen.

But please bear in mind that not all knowledge is intellectual; you'll often hear A.A. members talking about 'light-bulb moments' or 'heart knowledge'; the area of philosophy that covers this kind of knowledge is called epistemology and it's really this kind of knowledge we get through taking the actions in the 12 Step program.

For example I don't drink, I don't want to drink - not even when I'm angry or stressed or happy (I couldn't stand being happy without having to drink too). I can't explain to you how I actually do that (just like I can't explain to you how I can touch my nose), but what we can explain is the actions we took (the Steps) that led us to this point.

As for 'surrendering', you've already had an experience of that prior to going to your first A.A. meeting. You didn't want to go, you said you couldn't, but then you surrendered and went. The word 'surrender' has negative connotations, but - for me - all it means is that I'll try to do something that I don't really want to do, but end up doing it anyway because I know it's the right thing to do, or I'll somehow end up getting some kind of spiritual benefit from it.

I don't surrender easily; it often takes a lot of pain for me to let go of something. :lol:
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)
User avatar
Tosh
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 3647
Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 10:43 am

Re: Confused, alone and looking for guidance

Postby Feeya » Tue May 24, 2016 8:03 am

The word 'surrender' has negative connotations, but - for me - all it means is that I'll try to do something that I don't really want to do, but end up doing it anyway because I know it's the right thing to do, or I'll somehow end up getting some kind of spiritual benefit from it.

I don't surrender easily; it often takes a lot of pain for me to let go of something


It does take a lot of pain for me too, from what it seems like...
I know that all I need to do is do what I've been told and I will eventually get better... there is always that voice in my head, telling me that I don't need to get better, that I can figure this out and I'll be fine... I know that's bs!

I'm off to my second meeting now, maybe I have the guts to talk to someone there, about the doubts I have and all...
One day at a time.
User avatar
Feeya
Forums Contributor
 
Posts: 326
Joined: Sat May 21, 2016 6:53 am

Re: Confused, alone and looking for guidance

Postby Layne » Tue May 24, 2016 8:13 am

If I am in an airplane that develops engine trouble and starts to spiral to the ground, surrendering to the idea of donning a parachute seems like a sound choice with no negative connotations.
Layne
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 1517
Joined: Sun Oct 29, 2006 7:20 am
Location: British Virgin Islands

Re: Confused, alone and looking for guidance

Postby avaneesh912 » Tue May 24, 2016 8:48 am

Tolle talks about taping into the power by surrender:

To some people, surrender may have negative connotations, implying defeat, giving up, failing to rise to the challenges of life, becoming lethargic, and so on. True surrender, however, is something entirely different. It does not mean to passively put up with whatever situation you find yourself in and to do nothing about it. Nor does it mean to cease making plans or initiating positive action.
Surrender is the simple but profound wisdom of yielding to rather than opposing the flow of life. The only place where you can experience the flow of life is the Now, so to surrender is to accept the present moment unconditionally and without reservation. It is to relinquish inner resistance to what is. Inner resistance is to say "no" to what is, through mental judgment and emotional negativity.

And thats what we do in AA too. We surrender and the open up for the reminder of the 12 steps and tap into the power and be transformed.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
User avatar
avaneesh912
Trusted Servant
 
Posts: 4643
Joined: Fri May 30, 2008 12:22 pm
Location: Atlanta, GA

Re: Confused, alone and looking for guidance

Postby clouds » Tue May 24, 2016 8:56 am

When I read the chapters 'There is a Solution', 'More About Alcoholism', and the 'Doctor's Opinion' in our book of AA, I could see myself in the descriptions of alcoholics there. This plus listening to AA members talk about themselves describing their drinking and how they'd tried everything to quit, this gave me a really good foundation on the first step, which is recognizing within myself my own powerlessness over alcohol and how my life became unmanageable from being alcoholic.

More meetings should be good. I'm happy to know you'll be heading out to another one soon. :)
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
User avatar
clouds
Trusted Servant
 
Posts: 1061
Joined: Mon Mar 23, 2015 11:45 am
Location: España

Re: Confused, alone and looking for guidance

Postby Tosh » Tue May 24, 2016 9:31 am

Feeya wrote:I'm off to my second meeting now, maybe I have the guts to talk to someone there, about the doubts I have and all...


I hope you enjoy the meeting.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)
User avatar
Tosh
Forums Old Timer
 
Posts: 3647
Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 10:43 am

PreviousNext

Return to Sponsorship

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest