Male sponsor for female?

Most of us who recovered with AA's program did so with the help of a "sponsor". But what is sponsorship? How do I get one? Who can be a sponsor? What makes a good sponsor?

Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Noels » Fri Jun 03, 2016 12:15 pm

Halloooooo beautiful people :D I asked a gentleman to hear my 5th and he also helped with my 4th. When I asked him we both seriously and jokingly / jokingly seriously told each other there will be no 13th step work involved so we understood each other from the start. We met at our house and hubby and son was also home. In the lounge whereas we were sitting in the office area. He will help me again to review my s8 list where I'm unsure whether to make amends. The obvious amends I have already done and is still busy doing.
Perhaps it's good to remember that it takes 2 to tango so as long as both parties ' intentions are clear and pure it could work if it has to?
Having said that we also forget that we are surrounded by sick minds (or like me when I was a newcomer - didn't even think about that and had to ask a couple of times what the 13th step was I kept hearing about ) so unless it's absolutely necessary rather go with same gender.
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Feeya » Fri Jun 03, 2016 1:53 pm

Larryp713 wrote:Good luck, Feeya. I know it is worth it, regardless. If your relationship with your sponsor is recovery-centered, it will be fine.


It definitely is. I met her today and I came out to her and tomd her about my concern, just to get it off the table right away and she just laughed and told me not to worry about it. So I won't...
She told me she is expecting me to be 100% focused on my recovery and not on sexual attraction, but since she is about (at least) two and a half times my age that is not going to be an issue I guess...
One day at a time.
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Noels » Fri Jun 03, 2016 1:56 pm

Good for you girl :D open and honest from the word go (thumbs up ). So is your gut happy?

Sorry phone was thinking for me again. Error fixed.
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Feeya » Fri Jun 03, 2016 2:05 pm

Noels wrote:So is your gut happy?

Relieved! Having to find a sponsor was a huuuuge fear and really scary and confusing. I just feel like the weight of the world was just lifted of my shoulders! I really hope this works out... or that, at least, it works out until I find a Sponsor that works out even better!
But she seems very lovely but also straight forward, and the things she said about spirituality and about how she felt in early recovery really got to me. It seems really easy to relate to her!
One day at a time.
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Noels » Fri Jun 03, 2016 2:50 pm

Very happy to hear that :D so no more fear - just go for it :D you've done really well so far and we're all very happy and proud of you and for you. :D The key right from the start is honesty and you've seen now today that fear is actually just that ... a word. Most of the times we don't even know what we're afraid of so if that ever happens again just remember what you did today - you went and met the lady and saw that whatever the fear was was not real :D Just apply this with everything that looks or feel like fear at the moment. hehehehehe I don't mean to sound " guru like " - whatever that means :lol: my inspirational card in my vitamins today said something to the effect that everything worth while is just on the other side of fear and it sort of made sense to me so I thought id share it with you :D So just keep doing what you've been doing cause its clearly working and we enjoy your chats and shares and many times you (and me) ask questions which other people would love to ask but haven't had the courage to ask so in our own way we're helping them also :D
Its almost 12 at night here by us so I'm off to my happy place.
Nite nite and well done.
Sleep tight
Mwah xxx
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Feeya » Fri Jun 03, 2016 11:09 pm

Thank you very much for saying that, I always feel like I am annoying people, so hearing that I might help others, or even just that it is okay to ask those questions makes me feel better about myself!

'Everything worth while is just on the other side of fear'... that sounds so true!
One day at a time.
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby deltaflygirl26 » Thu Dec 01, 2016 1:34 am

I am having the worst time in AA . I have a male sponsor and well it started like a best frandddddddddd (almost 7 months sober ) But some of the ladies in AA only want to be my friend because my sponsor is good looking . So they use me . Its also awful because i am a very attractive girl (apparently ) They are not pure at all . Not everyone is there to watch to get sober . Its pretty disturbing and its affecting me now . My sponsor said maybe i should find someone else now . There has never been any funny business no feelings but amazing friendship . He knows my deepest darkest secrets . We can relate on just about everything , i am pretty upset about this . Am i being selfish?
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby PaigeB » Thu Dec 01, 2016 11:54 am

I cannot say whether or not you are being selfish, but it is in the Big Book and it has been true for me that whenever I am disturbed there is something wrong with me. Usually for me that means I don't want to let go of something that I think I have. And friendships - for me - have survived much more than a change of sponsorship.

I DO suggest that you get a female sponsor. I am not saying this because of funny business or even tradition... I say it because (you can research this) Male & Females process thoughts differently. I found that it was absolutely necessary that I hang out with the women, attend women's meetings and have a woman sponsor to better understand MYSELF.

Add to that - I absolutely needed to work through the Big Book and WORK the 12 Steps with a sponsor. The Steps are the only way to long term recovery. If you were not able to find a woman who, herself, had been through the Steps with a sponsor - then I might say look for a man not-so-good-looking who has been through the Steps. If found it was indispensable to go through the Steps with someone who had been through the Steps themselves. I cannot stress that factor enough.

If you are not happy with your sobriety, you will likely drink again.
DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
Go to any length to get this thing!

And keep coming back - AA works if you work it!
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby avaneesh912 » Thu Dec 01, 2016 12:07 pm

Am i being selfish?


Question is how it is impacting your sobriety. I agree there people in the fellowship not for the right reason. Maybe initially, but then the spiritual malady takes over, people get into selfish, self centered mode again. They become the directors and eventually fall.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Blue Moon » Thu Dec 01, 2016 5:12 pm

deltaflygirl26 wrote:its affecting me now .


I went to AA for recovery from alcoholism. I'm not there to make friends, I'm there for a condition which, left unchecked, is unquestionably threatening to life or liberty. So when a friendship in AA evolves, that's cool, but it's not my reason for being in AA.

I'm unclear how someone can "use" you to get to someone else, my mind just doesn't function that way. Presumably, at some level, a "user" has to be somehow enabled by the "usee" for their process to work. But whether that's really true or simply projection about others' motives, when something is affecting me I always need to change something that I do.

So yes, I would proactively seek a new sponsor. This doesn't mean I have to suddenly be cold or distant to anyone else, it just means I get a new sponsor. I needed someone who could show me how to work some Steps to put together that sling for my ass when I need it. FYI, I have observed that it's not particularly unusual for folks to move on from the person who 12th-Stepped them into AA and taking to meetings etc., to a new sponsor who can help them recover.

Am i being selfish?


I don't see how. But who cares? I'd choose selfish over drunk any day.

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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby D'oh » Thu Dec 01, 2016 8:27 pm

Am i being selfish?


I suggest, reading what you posted as an outsider, and carefully review it before you go to bed tonight. If you are honest the answer will come to you.
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby rjb » Sat Sep 16, 2017 5:58 am

Some 35+ years ago, my wife had a male sponsor. He was a fellow patient at the detox hospital. She would not see me on day 4 of her stay. She was discharged two weeks later and went to her parents home. She did return to our home but I think it was only because Christmas was upon us and we had two children, ages 5 and 2. She went out with him to "AA meetings" and was not home by midnight when I went to bed as I needed sleep in order to go to work. She started on narcotics again after Christmas and was readmitted to the detox facility for 4 days after New Years. She went to her aunt's house upon the second discharge and eventually returned home after almost a month. A month after that she told me she was pregnant. I had a vasectomy a year and a half before. I obviously am a strong advocate of same sex sponsors.
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Brock » Sat Sep 16, 2017 8:13 am

The fact that you had such a terrible experience, drives home the reasoning behind the AA suggestion, that like sexes sponsor each other. It is kind of you to post your account here, it will help others see what can happen at a time when people are most vulnerable, thank you very much, and best of luck.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby rjb » Sat Sep 16, 2017 9:21 am

You're welcome.

Our son who was the two year old back then died in a car accident in 2010. My wife turned to drugs again. I had flashbacks to the events in the past and wanted to discuss them. We never did back in the day. She made me feel to blame then and she resolved matters by threatening to leave so I remained silent so my children would have a mother. She passed away last November at 64 with a oxycodone level of 189ng per ml of blood. The toxic level is 200 while the theraputic level is 100. This was a prescribed drug. The remaining pill count was correct so she was not abusing them.

I am relaying this story so family members will know addictions must be addressed head on. My wife never apologized to any of the family which is one of the 12 steps. To be honest, I don't think she ever went to an AA meeting outside of the hospital. Also, relapses are possible decades later. We did have some very good years together, not many, but some. There was significant alcoholism in her extended family so I don't know if she really had a chance. Our son was both a drug addict and alcoholic. My family is similar but I will only have one drink on special occasions and I regularly refuse pain medication.
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