Male sponsor for female?

Most of us who recovered with AA's program did so with the help of a "sponsor". But what is sponsorship? How do I get one? Who can be a sponsor? What makes a good sponsor?

Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Feeya » Tue May 24, 2016 2:00 pm

Hi everyone,
I am a gay woman and I think that I would feel more comfortable with a man, just because the subject of my sexuality does get a litter awkward with other women sometimes... and also to protect myself...
if I'm going to have a really strong and intimate relationship with my sponsor I want to make sure there is absolutely NO way that I end up having feelings...
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Layne » Tue May 24, 2016 7:06 pm

Sounds reasonable to me.
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Tosh » Wed May 25, 2016 12:17 am

We had a a lady who was gay share my my homegroup not so long ago; she was gay and said her sponsor was a male who looked like Santa Claus and she said "There was no way something sexual was going to happen".

Made me smile.

I won't sponsor a woman though; I'm not so highly spiritually evolved that I can be fully trusted. I think I could be, but I'm a bloke, so maybe not?

Just being honest here.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Feeya » Wed May 25, 2016 12:55 am

Tosh wrote:
I won't sponsor a woman though; I'm not so highly spiritually evolved that I can be fully trusted. I think I could be, but I'm a bloke, so maybe not?

Just being honest here.


Well being honest is the best you can do to so safe your own recovery I guess, right?!
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Tosh » Wed May 25, 2016 5:00 am

Feeya wrote:
Tosh wrote:
I won't sponsor a woman though; I'm not so highly spiritually evolved that I can be fully trusted. I think I could be, but I'm a bloke, so maybe not?

Just being honest here.


Well being honest is the best you can do to so safe your own recovery I guess, right?!


Exactly.

And possibly the other person's!

I'm lucky though; I'm missing front teeth, I'm a rough fella with dodgy hair, not a great style in clothes and my music taste is abysmal.

Women tend not to like me in 'that way'. Elderly ladies and gay men used to have a thing for me, but even that seems to have passed. :? :lol:

So it's mostly hypothetical I'm afraid.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Spirit Flower » Wed May 25, 2016 5:38 am

I would suggest someone who is gender non-conforming; or an older woman.
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Feeya » Thu May 26, 2016 5:32 am

Tosh wrote:
Feeya wrote:
Tosh wrote:
I won't sponsor a woman though; I'm not so highly spiritually evolved that I can be fully trusted. I think I could be, but I'm a bloke, so maybe not?

Just being honest here.


Well being honest is the best you can do to so safe your own recovery I guess, right?!


Exactly.

And possibly the other person's!

I'm lucky though; I'm missing front teeth, I'm a rough fella with dodgy hair, not a great style in clothes and my music taste is abysmal.


Sounds lovely :lol: even though I have now Idea what the word abysmal means (not a native English speaker) :)
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby PaigeB » Thu May 26, 2016 7:26 am

Poor Tosh... abysmal means...
extremely bad; appalling.
"the quality of her work is abysmal"
synonyms: very bad, dreadful, awful, terrible, frightful, atrocious, disgraceful, deplorable, shameful, hopeless, lamentable; More
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Feeya » Thu May 26, 2016 11:08 am

Thank you!
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Larryp713 » Fri May 27, 2016 5:40 am

I would state the reasons why men/women sponsorship relationships are discouraged, but if she has been turned down by several women, what can she do?
I would advise anybody in this situation to set boundaries for interactions. Face to face meetings in public places (5th step would need to be arranged carefully). The spouses should also be on board.
I don't think my wife would like me sponsoring a female. I would be forced to directly go against her wishes or sneak around and sponsor... both would be disastrous. It is just sad this lady can't find local female sponsors. Best wishes and thanks for the topic... Larry
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Brock » Fri May 27, 2016 6:26 am

It is just sad this lady can't find local female sponsors.

Just to clarify, I am sure Larry won't mind me saying that he is referring here to the original posters question, the 'newer' question from Feeya is at the top of this page.
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Barbara D. » Fri May 27, 2016 10:14 am

I walked into my first meeting not knowing a thing about how AA worked. My then-husband was chasing me around the house, reading Bible quotes to me, and he insisted that I listen to a hell-fire and damnation sermon on the radio every morning. So, months later, when I realized I needed to ask someone to sponsor me, I really wanted Christian male feedback. I thought I was done with men forever if I could just get away from this one and didn't think having a male sponsor would cause me the slightest bit of trouble. But, I kept hearing about 13th stepping, and I knew that talking to a man was entirely different for me than talking to a woman. Somehow, I got two sponsor-couples to accept me and that solution solved the problem. With me, it was all about my motivation. I really was not looking for an affair. And they did help me not to drink under my husband's "attacks."

My other sponsors along the way were not official, just the people I respected and talked to on a regular basis about how to use the Steps. So I don't know how I would feel if I were rejected by potential sponsors. I believe my first priority is to being honest with myself. If I'm not in a good place to take on a sponsee, I say "no." I can be friendly, share 1 on 1, without making "your" recovery my responsibility.

Generally speaking, I agree that cross-gender sponsorship is not a good idea, especially for newcomers. For this female, hugging a man is still a lot more interesting than hugging a woman...and I'm too old to care now!!! Alcoholic, Barbara D.
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Larryp713 » Tue May 31, 2016 12:22 pm

Brock wrote:
It is just sad this lady can't find local female sponsors.

Just to clarify, I am sure Larry won't mind me saying that he is referring here to the original posters question, the 'newer' question from Feeya is at the top of this page.


Thanks, Brock. You are absolutely correct. I think Feeya's situation is a different issue. I would still recommend caution and set strict boundaries, but ultimately your sponsor needs to be somebody you can be open and honest with.
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Feeya » Wed Jun 01, 2016 6:50 am

Larryp713 wrote:
Brock wrote:
It is just sad this lady can't find local female sponsors.

Just to clarify, I am sure Larry won't mind me saying that he is referring here to the original posters question, the 'newer' question from Feeya is at the top of this page.


Thanks, Brock. You are absolutely correct. I think Feeya's situation is a different issue. I would still recommend caution and set strict boundaries, but ultimately your sponsor needs to be somebody you can be open and honest with.


Well from what it looks like I have a female sponsor at hand...
I guess I'll just see where this goes... she is straight and a lot older so I don't think there is anything to worry about... but we'll see how this works out.
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Re: Male sponsor for female?

Postby Larryp713 » Wed Jun 01, 2016 9:32 am

Good luck, Feeya. I know it is worth it, regardless. If your relationship with your sponsor is recovery-centered, it will be fine.
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