Manipulated

Most of us who recovered with AA's program did so with the help of a "sponsor". But what is sponsorship? How do I get one? Who can be a sponsor? What makes a good sponsor?

Manipulated

Postby KathyAnne » Thu Jan 21, 2016 6:01 am

Had a sponsee for 14 months now I dropped her earlier last yr as she had not contacted me for 5 weeks I just rang her & gentle told get why etc & she was fine. I took her back on in Oct last yr she rang & I suppose flatterered me said would u do me the honour of taking me back as yr the best blah blah. She has a dreadful on/off relashonship with the boyfriend & I have said I'm not a councellor I'm here to help you with the steps. Anyway she sent a text yesterday wanting to part with me which was ok I rang her straight away to talk stuff thro as she's laxed in that, she said ignore my text I didn't mean it. Then went on yet again about boyfriend stuff, I spoke to someone who said 'can't you see she's manipulated you! I said no she's said god you must be stupid not to see her game! She new you would ring her, she's playing you and dosnt respect you tell her to find someone who she respects! Wow, that hurt but I suppose that's the truth. I am a softie/pushover had a sheltered life but I'm now beating myself up about being played like this and it hurts.
I need to set stronger boundaries it's my old behaviour of not speaking up for fear of upsetting people or fear of having an argument.
I think it may be best to call it a day and learn from this experience or tell her the truth that I feel manipulated etc and risk a row! People always kick off when they know there in the wrong.
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Re: Manipulated

Postby Tosh » Thu Jan 21, 2016 6:16 am

It only sounds like a minor manipulation if I understand what you're saying; you're saying she spoke about her boyfriend problems - manipulated you into listening - when you said you weren't a counsellor.

I'd personally just let it go and just keep on bringing her back to the program, getting her on her Step 4 as soon as possible, booking a date for her Step 5 and so on.

I'm not fussed if I think I'm respected, or not, as long as my prospect is doing the work involved.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)
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Re: Manipulated

Postby PaigeB » Thu Jan 21, 2016 2:02 pm

My sponsor also said that my relationship was not her area of assistance and she said go get a counselor. Then she said, "How does the Step we are working on apply?" We got together every week and read together from the BB and worked on the Steps as we went through the book. She still hears from me about my relationships with my hubby and other family and other people and we always look to the 10th Step now that I am through the 12th. She helps me see the reality of my situations, helps me see where I am wrong and helps me decide if and what amends need to be made.

As a sponsor, I don't feel manipulated. I just help my sponsees see what they are doing and help them apply the Steps and Traditions to their lives.
If I'm not able to say how I'm working my program today, then I'm not working my program.
The e-AA Group's 7th Tradition link: www.e-aa.org/group_seventh.php
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Re: Manipulated

Postby KathyAnne » Fri Jan 22, 2016 4:11 am

Thanks for your replys and Tosh I think your spot on when you said it dosnt matter weather they respect me or not, thanks for that your right. Re reading my post I think I was in the s/pity pot a bit and taking her attitude towards me personally. I forget she is still confused and hurting etc etc and I must remember that line 'love & tolerance is our code' but I do need to start saying what I need to and not chicken out.
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Re: Manipulated

Postby Jim1991 » Tue Jan 26, 2016 5:42 pm

KathyAnne wrote:Thanks for your replys and Tosh I think your spot on when you said it dosnt matter weather they respect me or not, thanks for that your right. Re reading my post I think I was in the s/pity pot a bit and taking her attitude towards me personally. I forget she is still confused and hurting etc etc and I must remember that line 'love & tolerance is our code' but I do need to start saying what I need to and not chicken out.



Yes, remember that she is confused and hurting. And maybe a master manipulator. I've made every mistake in the book when it comes to sponsorship, including being burned, taken advantage of, and having my trust broken. It's a learning experience. To quote my old sponsor "You can't screw 'em up any worse than they already are."
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Re: Manipulated

Postby clouds » Wed Jan 27, 2016 7:43 am

KathyAnne wrote: I am a softie/pushover had a sheltered life but I'm now beating myself up about being played like this and it hurts.
I need to set stronger boundaries it's my old behaviour of not speaking up for fear of upsetting people or fear of having an argument.


I have felt that when I have been stolen from, lied to, betrayed that somehow I was supposed to take on the guilt. I don't know if its the pain of these things is too much for my ego, as in 'how can his be happening to me!' but lets just say I had to come to grips with the notion that people aren't controlable and they will do things no matter what we are, or what we say to them. What they do lies squarly upon their own doorstep. Our role is to be of as much help to others as possible. Sounds like you are up for helping others.

You've got good advice on sponsorship above. I find that if a situation isn't right it usually comes to a natural end on its own.

Please don't beat yourself up. :)
" Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house." page 98 A.A.
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Re: Manipulated

Postby Brock » Wed Jan 27, 2016 8:31 am

I have found a much more peaceful life comes from lowering my expectations of what others will do or not do. I have always based it on what I would do, this has led to much disappointment. Keeping with the general theme of me no longer being in charge, I try to accept that whatever someone else does is Gods will. Also judging others by our own standard given the upbringing and moral compass we possess, is basically unfair. I try to keep in mind the other person probably did not have such moral training, and may not even know manipulating others is that bad.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: Manipulated

Postby KathyAnne » Mon Feb 15, 2016 6:03 am

Thanks everybody for reading & good suggestions. I asked her to call me more often as its been once a week for a long time, she shot back I'm busy I have things to do!! So I gentle called it a day it's been 18months and she's just not willing whenever I apply gentle pressure to her to up her program I get shot down so I've had enough, I feel very relived & think I was hanging on out of a sense of duty. I've learned quite a bit about myself & being manliputated she's very skilled at it.
We're on good terms and I will not take her back on again.
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Re: Manipulated

Postby D'oh » Mon Feb 15, 2016 7:09 am

My Sponsor had 3 rules to sponsorship.

1, Call him before I try a bottle.

2, Attend at least 1 meeting a week.

3, Call him at least once a week, if nothing but to say I was still alive.

All the rules were to protect him as well as me.
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Re: Manipulated

Postby OnPoint » Mon Feb 15, 2016 7:46 am

I just wrote this in another thread and I will repeat it here.

You teach people how to treat you. If you don't care how people treat you why should they?
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Re: Manipulated

Postby avaneesh912 » Mon Feb 15, 2016 8:18 am

1, Call him before I try a bottle.


if its an alcoholic who has not worked the steps, its not possible. Yesterday, a guy called from his bed, he has a chronic back pain, harrassing his wife to get the bottle from the car. He had slipped few weeks ago (then he was mobile) but now he can't walk. He is calling me now. I bet if he was mobile, he would have never called.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: Manipulated

Postby D'oh » Mon Feb 15, 2016 1:40 pm

avaneesh912 wrote:
1, Call him before I try a bottle.


if its an alcoholic who has not worked the steps, its not possible. Yesterday, a guy called from his bed, he has a chronic back pain, harrassing his wife to get the bottle from the car. He had slipped few weeks ago (then he was mobile) but now he can't walk. He is calling me now. I bet if he was mobile, he would have never called.

Ya, that was kinda one devoted entirely to him. So he wouldn't carry any guilt if I failed.
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