My nightmare sponsor

Most of us who recovered with AA's program did so with the help of a "sponsor". But what is sponsorship? How do I get one? Who can be a sponsor? What makes a good sponsor?
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Former drunk
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My nightmare sponsor

Post by Former drunk » Thu Sep 24, 2015 11:15 am

My sponsor has expedited me through step 4 and I am only 17 days sober! She wants me for service but this is way too fast. She also told me she is sleeping with a member of our home group. Is this ok? It is putting incredible pressure on me which I don't need. My daughter was murdered in 2014 and she told me "get over it you have people you need to help". I also smelled alcohol on her yesterday. Is this how Aa runs? It seems they go throu the motions of reading the material. My sponsor doesn't let me get a word in edgewise; it's all about her. How do I handle this?

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PaigeB
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Re: My nightmare sponsor

Post by PaigeB » Thu Sep 24, 2015 11:42 am

Ok. Be sure.... THAT IS NOT HOW AA RUNS.

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. My sponsee has lost her husband and her son within a couple months of each other and I can get you her phone number. You need to back away from that sponsor quickly and safely and get a new sponsor immediately to talk out this recent turn of events. The woman you are working with now is sick, many in AA are sick, but you must do what is best for you.

Do not drink and get another sponsor. E-aa has a temporary sponsor program and here is our get help now page... someone will get back to you soon. http://www.e-aa.org/help.php

Take a deep breath and be well. My heart goes out to you. The hand of AA is ready to help.
Step 6 is "AA's way of stating, the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job... with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement." 12&12 Step Six, p.65

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Niagara
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Re: My nightmare sponsor

Post by Niagara » Thu Sep 24, 2015 12:37 pm

Hey there and welcome to E-AA,

I agree with taking people through the steps quickly, actually. Our defense against the first drink comes only as a result of doing the steps, so there is a sense of urgency there. We do it as best we can, and then learn deeper as we go along. Blind faith, I guess. I didn't understand much, but I did what it said anyway, and it worked. What I thought this was when I started, is vastly different to what I see it as now. I have seen my sponsor take someone through the first 7 steps in six hours total. Once relieved of the obsession (which happened) the persons head was clearer, and had gained breathing space. The rest of the steps (the amends steps) take a bit longer, and we live in 10, 11, and 12 - slowly this program begins to fall into place. It doesn't all hit with a bang, if we put the work in, urgently at first, the rest (in my case) just sort of comes together of it's own accord. Remember this is a lifetime thing, progress - we just do the best we can on any given day, with the tools the program gives us. We're not ever going to be (nor should we expect ourselves to be) super sober.

I'm with Paige on finding another sponsor. A few things there give me cause for concern. As paige says, not everyone is well in AA.

I can't even begin to imagine the pain you're in with your daughter. My heart goes out to you.

I hope you find the peace you are looking for.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month -
Theodore Roosevelt

Db1105
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Re: My nightmare sponsor

Post by Db1105 » Thu Sep 24, 2015 2:35 pm

A great guide to sponsorship is AAWS Pamphlet 'Questions and Answers on Sponsorship'. You can read in online at:
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf

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avaneesh912
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Re: My nightmare sponsor

Post by avaneesh912 » Thu Sep 24, 2015 8:33 pm

How do I handle this?
Get a new one. As simple as that.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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ann2
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Re: My nightmare sponsor

Post by ann2 » Fri Sep 25, 2015 3:04 am

Hi! I'm so glad you found us. Please keep sharing here. I encourage you to use us and let us help.

e-AA has a great women's email meeting which you can sign up for here

http://e-aameetings.org/mailman/listinf ... etings.org

Surround yourself with our care and assistance!

Hugs,

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

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tyg
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Re: My nightmare sponsor

Post by tyg » Tue Sep 29, 2015 3:49 pm

Former drunk wrote:My sponsor has expedited me through step 4 and I am only 17 days sober! She wants me for service but this is way too fast. She also told me she is sleeping with a member of our home group. Is this ok? It is putting incredible pressure on me which I don't need. My daughter was murdered in 2014 and she told me "get over it you have people you need to help". I also smelled alcohol on her yesterday. Is this how Aa runs? It seems they go throu the motions of reading the material. My sponsor doesn't let me get a word in edgewise; it's all about her. How do I handle this?
Maybe you're not ready to trudge the road to happy destiny just yet. I get the impression that your brain is working overtime to find excuses not to go to any lengths and do what is necessary to recover. I find people baulk at Steps 4, 5, 9 & 12. This is were we rely on our God and ask for strength. You've turned your will and life over to it, right? If so, we may baulk some but do it anyway without hesitation.

I am very sorry to hear about your tragic loss, but, "even that" situation is no excuse to work the program at "your" pace. It is our self-will run riot and our running on self propulsion that is the root of alcoholism. You do have people to help, lives depend on it...especially yours! We can't experience what AA is about, what it means, until we experience the spiritual awakenings (as a result of these steps).

Ebby who carried the message to Bill W was 2 months sober, Bill was fresh out of detox when he started helping others. Both had spiritual awakenings as a result of the steps. Doctor Bob too, and so on and so on, that is how the AA program worked so successfully.

The Dr. Opinion states: They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drink they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops. they pass through the well-known stages of a s spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.
AA's experience shows, Alcoholics do not have an entire psychic change; this happens as a result of the steps. Until then, we are walking time bombs for relapse and more misery.

As long as it is not a member with under a year sober and they are not attached or harming others in the meetings, it's nobody's business who people sleep with. Personally, I haven't dated in AA because I don't want to test if I am mature enough to handle not avoiding meetings and disrupt my program if the relationship ends. There a plenty of people to date outside of AA.

If a sponsor change is necessary, hopefully you won't get a sponsor that buys your BS and isn't straightforward about the things needed to recover.
Last edited by tyg on Tue Sep 29, 2015 4:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.
~The secret to the AA program is the first three words on page 112~

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Brock
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Re: My nightmare sponsor

Post by Brock » Tue Sep 29, 2015 4:21 pm

A newcomer has obviously found herself with a sponsor that is unsuitable, everyone has been sympathetic towards this and the fact that she lost her daughter. Good advice has been given regarding finding a new sponsor, then tyg comes along with this –
Regarding if sponsor is drinking...no comment.If a sponsor change is necessary, hopefully you won't get a sponsor that buys your BS and isn't straightforward about the things needed to recover. This is your life and are free to do whatever you want.
I know some folks in AA believe in being frank and practicing 'tough love,' and I take no joy in criticizing what another member writes here, but for heavens sake this is a newcomer, try to be a little more sympathetic.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

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tyg
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Re: My nightmare sponsor

Post by tyg » Tue Sep 29, 2015 5:06 pm

In my many thousands of meetings and fellowship, I've never met or heard of an active drinker that works with newcomers and expedites them through the Steps and encourages them to get into service work. It is possible that ketones from diet or medical conditions will mock the scent of alcohol. I see a lot of excuses and hope that they won't end up with someone that encourages the peculiar mental twists in thinking that leads to the first drink and inability to meet calamity with serenity.
~The secret to the AA program is the first three words on page 112~

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FeenixxRising
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Re: My nightmare sponsor

Post by FeenixxRising » Tue Sep 29, 2015 6:28 pm

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Last edited by FeenixxRising on Tue Sep 29, 2015 6:50 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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whipping post
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Re: My nightmare sponsor

Post by whipping post » Tue Sep 29, 2015 6:42 pm

Someone is either going to work the program or they aren't. There is no point in putting up with an unsympathetic, bullying sponsor. Find someone who is happy, joyous, and free who will take you through the steps. No need to drag it out. The relief is in the steps.

Lali
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Re: My nightmare sponsor

Post by Lali » Tue Sep 29, 2015 7:57 pm

Hi, former drunk. I'm with Brock here. At least tyg has given you an outlet for practicing patience and tolerance....

I suggest that you go with the majority here and find a decent sponsor. I'm sorry for your bad experience with someone who shouldn't be allowed to sponsor at all. Please stick around and let us know how we can be of assistance to you.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

Larryp713
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Re: My nightmare sponsor

Post by Larryp713 » Wed Sep 30, 2015 10:32 am

The best advice I have received about asking somebody to sponsor you was to select somebody who has what you want in terms of sobriety. If your sponsor does not have that, thank them for their efforts and find another sponsor who does. If your sponsor has what you want, and you are struggling with what they are suggesting, I would advise praying for willingness and try to do what is suggested.

Don't let the actions of one person provide your judgment of AA. This program has saved millions of lives, and none of us are unique. We can all recover if we have the capacity to be honest.

As for being rushed through step 4; the book says that we immediately took action after we had made the decision to turn our lives and will over to the care of God as we understood Him. If you have fears and reservations, you probably need to keep working on step 3 and really understanding what is being asked of step 4. The Joe and Charlie tapes really helped me understand what the Big Book suggests for step 4. Steps 4 and 5 really helped me find freedom and emotional sobriety. I heartily suggest working on that once you have truly taken step 3. Best wishes! Larry
Trudging the Road of Happy Destiny!!!

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positrac
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Re: My nightmare sponsor

Post by positrac » Fri Oct 02, 2015 4:33 am

Former drunk wrote:My sponsor has expedited me through step 4 and I am only 17 days sober! She wants me for service but this is way too fast. She also told me she is sleeping with a member of our home group. Is this ok? It is putting incredible pressure on me which I don't need. My daughter was murdered in 2014 and she told me "get over it you have people you need to help". I also smelled alcohol on her yesterday. Is this how Aa runs? It seems they go throu the motions of reading the material. My sponsor doesn't let me get a word in edgewise; it's all about her. How do I handle this?

First off sorry about the loss of your daughter as I have no clue of the pain and the void that has left in your heart and mind. If you aren't drinking then I commend you on the work and knowledge of the disaster if you started again.

13 stepping is not against any rules in the rooms and we are people and we do stupid things and not well thought out things over our needs. I would tell your sponsor that part is personal and you don't need that mess in your head. You have free will and if necessary find another sponsor and or meeting places and end this situation. I am sure feelings are going to get hurt and things will be said as again we are people. But we can make amends and as long as we don't hurt the other for the sake of our agenda then we grow and move on.

Lastly mental clarity is an important by-product of sponsorship and it is the mentorship that is supposed to give you tools as you mature in sobriety. So review recent events and see hall of this ties into mental clarity and sane thinking.
Work hard, stay positive, and get up early. It's the best part of the day.
George Allen, Sr.

Service
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Re: My nightmare sponsor

Post by Service » Mon Oct 05, 2015 11:45 pm

Honey,
You have everything you needed when you came to A.A if you be Alcoholic - The ones you are referring to and having trouble with are menacing forces within A.A - If you happen to run across a drunk who does not know of A.A or a way out I'm sure you will help them in - instead of helping someone OUT ! Got it

Listen to your heart - Turn from the religious ones here to fix people - A little more Personal Willingness your going to be all right and maybe even a friend to someone not here yet instead of a foe to people here already.
Hang in there - :idea: :idea:

Question: What step told you to get a sponsor?
What A.A Tradition?

Honey the bleeding deacon groups got a hold of you, that's all. Don't let them trick you into trading willingness for your PERSONAL WILLINGNESS to God

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