Amends to my sister

The 12 Steps are the AA program of recovery from alcoholism.
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matt z
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Amends to my sister

Post by matt z » Tue Apr 19, 2011 6:38 am

In a couple of hours i will be making amends to my sister. I made amends to my other sister, but it was a graveside amends. My sponsor tells me to get out of my head and pray. He also told me to do what the book tells me to do. I can't seem to go back to what i will say to her. I never stole from her or physically hurt her, yet i am consumed with anxiety. The only thing i can equate this to, is running a race. You get anxious before the gun goes off, you don't think about it while you are doing it, and then before you know it, it's over. I am meeting my sister at a restaurant for lunch. I have blocked out enough time away from work. I'm just super anxious.
I always wanted to write something clever and cute, but then i realized that neither one have done much for me.

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Blue Moon
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Re: Amends to my sister

Post by Blue Moon » Tue Apr 19, 2011 6:47 am

Hi Matt,

What is the harm you did to her? If you don't know that, you can't make amends for it.

So, sounds like you're perhaps going for lunch for a chat rather than to make amends for anything.

Perhaps the harm was simply not being "there" in the past. Isolation is a common alcoholic trait, particularly when we put alcohol before any other relationship. If so, amends may simply to be "there", which would take many years to "complete".

Recovery is supposed to be "a bridge to normal living". In that respect, there are some who hide out in AA meetings 14 days a week - perhaps dry, but still owing amends to friends and family outside the rooms for still not being "there".
Ian S
AKA Blue Moon

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matt z
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Re: Amends to my sister

Post by matt z » Tue Apr 19, 2011 7:11 am

the harm done to her. All of the times that i treated her very poorly. While there was no physical abuse there was emotional abuse. I would make fun of her because she had a learning disability. I treated her badly every time that i talked to her. I was not being friendly to her, i treated strangers better than i treated mys sister. I don't know if that qualifies as an amends. I'm pretty new to this step. So, i'm not sure.
I always wanted to write something clever and cute, but then i realized that neither one have done much for me.

Lali
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Re: Amends to my sister

Post by Lali » Tue Apr 19, 2011 8:32 am

Yes. Hurting someone's feelings qualifies.
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

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Marc L
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Re: Amends to my sister

Post by Marc L » Wed Apr 20, 2011 1:46 pm

Hi Matt;
I'm Marc and I'm Alcoholic. I also have a sister I should make amends to. I was the absent brother. Part of it was booze and part of it was because I really didn't like her husband so I didn't visit much.
So you watch too much TV too?

Marc
Recovery won't just happen by Osmosis. You gonna' have to work at it some.
12th Step work ain't just a job... It's an Adventure.

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matt z
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Re: Amends to my sister

Post by matt z » Wed Apr 20, 2011 7:43 pm

TV?! What's that? Yeah, i watch a lot of TV, perhaps too much, but that's a topic for another day. I always took it out on my family. You hurt those that are closest to you. I was that tornado that ripped through their lives. My family adapted to the life i was living, subsequently, they are sick too. I realize now that i love my family. I still love to isolate, it gives me that freedom to do what i want, when i want to do it. My family had taken an interest in Al-anon, but that wasn't for them. My sister knows that there are steps in the program. I am lucky that i have family that cares about my recovery. After i made my amends yesterday; my sister asked me what i'd be doing after step 9. I told her that after i made amends to the people on my list i would continue to do steps 10-12. My sister, bless her pregnant heart, asked if i would get a certificate. I couldn't help but laugh. I told her that this is something that i will continue to do if i want to stay sober. I've never taken her out to lunch. That was the first time ever. I know that she was just happy to spend the time with me. I never would have gotten this far if it weren't for those that came before me. I thank god everyday for the program of alcoholics anonymous. I know that i don't have to drink today.
I always wanted to write something clever and cute, but then i realized that neither one have done much for me.

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Re: Amends to my sister

Post by Steven F » Wed Apr 20, 2011 11:39 pm

A good move, Matt. I find that a good opener is always " I haven't been as good a friend/brother/whatever to you than I could have been". Gives others a chance to pick up on that. And for preparation: I sometimes write a letter beforehand. I never send that letter, nor read it, but it helps me to get clear about how I feel and to get honest.

Anything you will do to try and make it up? Saying sorry is not really what it is all about (even if it can be enough in some cases). I mean, you need to make a change in what you do so that the other party also gets ok with the past.

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ann2
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Re: Amends to my sister

Post by ann2 » Wed Apr 20, 2011 11:45 pm

matt z wrote: I still love to isolate, it gives me that freedom to do what i want, when i want to do it.
Wow, Matt, thank you, that is very helpful to me. I can just see myself resenting those around me because I can't do what i want to do immediately!!! thank you.
matt z wrote: I've never taken her out to lunch. That was the first time ever. I know that she was just happy to spend the time with me.
Matt, what a wonderful amends -- doing it and realizing that. That is really excellent work, congratulations.

Loved her idea of the certificate :-) lol My husband asked too, "Have you taken all the steps? Are you done?" But he understood it's something I need to keep doing. It's a method of living.

Thanks for sharing your gratitude. Thank you for being here Matt.

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

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Marc L
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Re: Amends to my sister

Post by Marc L » Thu Apr 21, 2011 3:08 am

A Certificate..., Hmmm, Maybe we can do something with that?
Is there an Artist around here who could whip up some sort of 'For He is a Jolly Good Fellow' kind of thing for Matt? :D

Marc
Recovery won't just happen by Osmosis. You gonna' have to work at it some.
12th Step work ain't just a job... It's an Adventure.

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matt z
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Re: Amends to my sister

Post by matt z » Thu Apr 21, 2011 8:10 am

ya know :D, with all of the time that i spent at meetings i heard almost everyone say that you won't get a certificate of completion nor will you get an award for working the steps. I immediately thought of all of those people when my sister said that. I shared it at a meeting. To receive a certificate would be like saying "I did this.", which i didn't. I couldn't have done it without all of those that came before me. Your replies made me smile. Hope everyone has a great day!
I always wanted to write something clever and cute, but then i realized that neither one have done much for me.

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Marc L
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Re: Amends to my sister

Post by Marc L » Thu Apr 21, 2011 9:56 am

Ever heard of 'Random Acts of Kindness'?
Stranger things have happened. :lol:
Found this on some WikkiThing...

British Version

(also Australia, New Zealand, and Canada)

For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow (pause), and so say all of us
And so say all of us, and so say all of us
For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow (pause), and so say all of us!

American Version

For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow (pause), which nobody can deny
Which nobody can deny, which nobody can deny
For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good fellow (pause), which nobody can deny!
Recovery won't just happen by Osmosis. You gonna' have to work at it some.
12th Step work ain't just a job... It's an Adventure.

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Re: Amends to my sister

Post by Mike O » Thu Apr 21, 2011 10:58 am

ann2 wrote:
matt z wrote: I still love to isolate, it gives me that freedom to do what i want, when i want to do it.
Wow, Matt, thank you, that is very helpful to me. I can just see myself resenting those around me because I can't do what i want to do immediately!!! thank you.


Ann
Yes, me too.
Thanks :D

bettyfromcalifornia
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Re: Amends to my sister

Post by bettyfromcalifornia » Fri Feb 10, 2012 1:49 am

Is it really necessary to make amends?

Regards,
Betty L.

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ann2
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Re: Amends to my sister

Post by ann2 » Fri Feb 10, 2012 1:59 am

Hi Betty, welcome! I must reply that it was necessary for *me* and I recommend it as part of the process of recovery from alcoholism.

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

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Re: Amends to my sister

Post by Steven F » Fri Feb 10, 2012 2:24 am

bettyfromcalifornia wrote:Is it really necessary to make amends?
If you really want to get free, if you want to stop looking over your shoulder, if you want to stop avoiding people because something doesn't feel right, if you want to stop needing to make assumptions about what others think for the world to make sense, and if you want to use all that energy wasted on fear, apprehension, resentment, ... for better things, then yes, I would say amends are necessary.

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