Fearless, but so fearful

The 12 Steps are the AA program of recovery from alcoholism.

Re: Fearless, but so fearful

Postby Feeya » Thu Jun 16, 2016 9:34 pm

Hi Patsy, thank you for your suggestion.
My sponsor and I went over step one and two yesterday again.
My struggle seems to lie in finding a connection to my higher power because I don't understand it. I just don't seem to be able to understand the third step.
As I struggled with the third step when I first thought I 'did it', that's where I will have to dig deeper.
One day at a time.
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Re: Fearless, but so fearful

Postby Patsy© » Fri Jun 17, 2016 1:46 am

Feeya wrote:Hi Patsy, thank you for your suggestion.
My sponsor and I went over step one and two yesterday again.
My struggle seems to lie in finding a connection to my higher power because I don't understand it. I just don't seem to be able to understand the third step.
As I struggled with the third step when I first thought I 'did it', that's where I will have to dig deeper.


Hi Feeya,
I am going to be very honest with you. As I share with my own sponsee, we do NOT go over Step One.... we take Step One. We stop digging! It becomes a part of our very soul, a part of our working mind. So if you do not understand Step 2 and 3.....then go back to Step One, perhaps the real problem is there?

There are two parts to Step One....
Step One - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Feeya, I had already admitted that I was an alcoholic 5 long years before I did anything about my drinking. When I was taken to my first AA meeting, I had already admitted that I was an alcoholic. It was the powerless part where I found myself stuck.
If WE admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable, then the next Step is to find a new Manager and that the new manager had better NOT BE ME.

If I had any reservations at all about Step One, both parts, then it was suggested that I stay on Step One until the reservations read... Zero!

In the Big Book on page 30, it says: "We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery."


For this alkie, admitting and accepting are two absolutely different things. I had the gift of desperation when I showed up in the halls of AA, so when ES&H was shared and passed on to this alkie, I listened as only the dying can and I identified in my "head" for sure.

Listening to all those wonderful AA members who were sharing their own ES&H, helped this alkie slowly process what I had admitted.

Admitting, began seeping from this hard head, to my heart and on to accepting with a deep conviction in my soul, that I could not take one drop of alcohol in safety, with no reservations, none, zero.....which brought this alkie to the truth, that I am so very grateful to be an alcoholic in the halls of AA and what a precious gift that is.

In my experience, acceptance doesn't mean to put up with or to just take it, it means to take a really good look at REALITY, what IS, and then make a decision about what I can do or not do about it for me. So I did what was suggested, I didn't drink, I kept coming and asked for help and began searching for a new Manager.

It was suggested to me by some wonderful AA members, that Step One is a process. That process began long before I actually reached the halls of AA. In Fact, that is why I reached the halls of AA, because while I was actively drinking against my will I had two choices....to admit that I couldn't not do this by myself......or die.

Feeya, if we do not have Step One.... then we are still acting on the delusion that we are powerful enough to run our own show. And when we are acting in that capacity, we are not able to move on to Step 2, Step 3 or any of the other Steps. The Steps are written in order for a vital reason, they build on one another....so we have a beginning that is built on a solid foundation. Without that, we have nothing...
Failed 12 Step Call? Not if we walk away sober!
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Re: Fearless, but so fearful

Postby Feeya » Fri Jun 17, 2016 2:19 am

Patsy© wrote:
Feeya wrote:Hi Patsy, thank you for your suggestion.
My sponsor and I went over step one and two yesterday again.
My struggle seems to lie in finding a connection to my higher power because I don't understand it. I just don't seem to be able to understand the third step.
As I struggled with the third step when I first thought I 'did it', that's where I will have to dig deeper.


Hi Feeya,
I am going to be very honest with you. As I share with my own sponsee, we do NOT go over Step One.... we take Step One. We stop digging! It becomes a part of our very soul, a part of our working mind. So if you do not understand Step 2 and 3.....then go back to Step One, perhaps the real problem is there?

There are two parts to Step One....
Step One - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Feeya, I had already admitted that I was an alcoholic 5 long years before I did anything about my drinking. When I was taken to my first AA meeting, I had already admitted that I was an alcoholic. It was the powerless part where I found myself stuck.
If WE admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable, then the next Step is to find a new Manager and that the new manager had better NOT BE ME.

If I had any reservations at all about Step One, both parts, then it was suggested that I stay on Step One until the reservations read... Zero!

In the Big Book on page 30, it says: "We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery."


For this alkie, admitting and accepting are two absolutely different things. I had the gift of desperation when I showed up in the halls of AA, so when ES&H was shared and passed on to this alkie, I listened as only the dying can and I identified in my "head" for sure.

Listening to all those wonderful AA members who were sharing their own ES&H, helped this alkie slowly process what I had admitted.

Admitting, began seeping from this hard head, to my heart and on to accepting with a deep conviction in my soul, that I could not take one drop of alcohol in safety, with no reservations, none, zero.....which brought this alkie to the truth, that I am so very grateful to be an alcoholic in the halls of AA and what a precious gift that is.

In my experience, acceptance doesn't mean to put up with or to just take it, it means to take a really good look at REALITY, what IS, and then make a decision about what I can do or not do about it for me. So I did what was suggested, I didn't drink, I kept coming and asked for help and began searching for a new Manager.

It was suggested to me by some wonderful AA members, that Step One is a process. That process began long before I actually reached the halls of AA. In Fact, that is why I reached the halls of AA, because while I was actively drinking against my will I had two choices....to admit that I couldn't not do this by myself......or die.

Feeya, if we do not have Step One.... then we are still acting on the delusion that we are powerful enough to run our own show. And when we are acting in that capacity, we are not able to move on to Step 2, Step 3 or any of the other Steps. The Steps are written in order for a vital reason, they build on one another....so we have a beginning that is built on a solid foundation. Without that, we have nothing...


Yeah. Maybe I see myself in what you just said.
I am realising that I am powerless but I am not giving up.
I'm still making this my fight and I still think I am in charge.
I realise that I can't trust myself and that I better find someone else to trust.
How am I supposed to find a manager in something I don't even believe in? A higher power to me is something that is bigger than myself and that is soooo scary, because if I can't control it I am probably going to be let down, abused, hurt, and worst of all I would have to trust.
And as I am writing this I realise that that exact thought is what's going to kill me sooner or later and it makes me furious.
I am so confused. I go to meetings, I listen, I talk to my sponsor, I share, I do service at my home group, I read, I pray, I am willing to do whatever it takes but there is this voice in my head that tells me to hang on to my thougths and my ideas, EVEN THOUGH I know they are wrong.
I talk to my sponsor or leave a meeting and everytime I feel like 'now I got it' and then something happens and I end up being more confused then before.
And everyone tells me to shut up and listen, to stop thinking, to take the cotton wool out of my ears and put it in my mouth and I do... But it doesn't seem to be enough.
I feel like there is more. Maybe it is that I can't take the process, that I am too impatient to realisee that this is a process... I don't know...
One day at a time.
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Re: Fearless, but so fearful

Postby Noels » Fri Jun 17, 2016 2:50 am

Step 4 had me all over the place. Looking back it was because I finally allowed myself to feel. So many times I have heard and read that feelings are just that - a feeling but I found that I perfected not feeling and this was part of the reason why I drank. Alcohol helped to dull inside hurt and pain and when it didn't suppress the hurt sufficiently it gave me the courage to deal with that pain. Unfortunately the outcome was usually negative - crying, screaming or shouting so instead of clearing the problem I remained unheard as 'just ignore her. It's the booze talking again '.
Having gone through the process of step 4 I find it to be the 'cleaning step '. In this step all the events that happened which caused pain and which pain have been suppressed for as long as weve lived bubbles to the surface and we find it so difficult not because we need to face our own part in it but because we finally HAVE TO allow us to FEEL the FEELINGS linked to that memory whether it be pain, shame, anger or regret. Take 46 years of suppressed feelings, bring ALL of them up within a week from starting the step and you will find a very emotionally scattered human being walking around the house. Add every day stresses, trying to manage daily responsibilities, work or school and studying , the odd disagreement with family members or clients and without the solid foundation and total dependance on a Higher Power and you will find. .. relapse. Why? Because we are people who have perfected the art of suppressing our feelings with alcohol. Suddenly alcohol is not in the picture and we have to feel years of suppressed feelings without the help of alcohol.
So feelings to me are valid. If I feel something now I acknowledge it, feel it, clear it as per step 10 and move on.
What is a human if it can't feel?
The 'free parking in our brain ' according to me better relate to memories, not feelings.
Thanks for letting me share
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Re: Fearless, but so fearful

Postby Patsy© » Fri Jun 17, 2016 3:18 am

I talk to my sponsor or leave a meeting and everytime I feel like 'now I got it' and then something happens and I end up being more confused then before.
And everyone tells me to shut up and listen, to stop thinking, to take the cotton wool out of my ears and put it in my mouth and I do... But it doesn't seem to be enough.
I feel like there is more. Maybe it is that I can't take the process, that I am too impatient to realisee that this is a process... I don't know...


Feeya, recovery is a process, one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.... we didn't get to where we are in our alcoholism overnight or in a few months and we are not going to walk out the other side, over night or in a few months........so Please, Easy Does It, and stay in this ONE DAY and realize that not knowing... IS A GIFT.

The very idea that you are able to question your own thoughts and become confused, simply means that you have become WILLING to listen!

Please stick with the Winners, and stay away from those who have nothing to offer you but Psycho Babble.

A.A.'s Twelve Steps are a group of principles, spiritual in their nature, which, if practiced as a way of life, can expel the obsession to drink and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole.....No matter how YOU FEEL! :wink:

WE do not sit around AA and psychoanalyze each other with psycho-babble... that will have the same effect as a butterfly, stuck to a piece of wood with a pin through it and......going around and around and around......If Nothing Changes then Nothing Changes.
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Re: Fearless, but so fearful

Postby Feeya » Fri Jun 17, 2016 3:41 am

One day at a time. Thank you!
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Re: Fearless, but so fearful

Postby Noels » Fri Jun 17, 2016 3:49 am

a butterfly, stuck to a piece of wood with a pin through it

that's just gross and cruel.
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Re: Fearless, but so fearful

Postby Patsy© » Fri Jun 17, 2016 4:00 am

Feeya wrote:One day at a time. Thank you!


You are very welcome Feeya :D
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Re: Fearless, but so fearful

Postby Patsy© » Fri Jun 17, 2016 5:41 am

There is nothing more gross and cruel then watching a newcomer being lowered into the grave because they were passed a bunch of psycho babble instead of the Solution that is in the Big Book.
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Re: Fearless, but so fearful

Postby Spirit Flower » Fri Jun 17, 2016 5:52 am

Nature is a good higher power.
Or The Universe
Or Something Deep Inside
Or....
...a score card reading zero...
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Re: Fearless, but so fearful

Postby Noels » Fri Jun 17, 2016 5:57 am

Perhaps one day you will understand that the psycho babble IS the solution everyone so desperately seek. It is in fact my prayer for you.
At this point in time - congratulations . I am leaving the site as your continued cheap shots at me is no longer acceptable to me.
In the literature it states " we cease fighting altogether - not only alcohol '. Since you're such an expert on the BB you probably missed that line.
Good luck, God bless and I'll keep you in my prayers.
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Re: Fearless, but so fearful

Postby Patsy© » Fri Jun 17, 2016 6:25 am

Cheap shots at me are unacceptable also, but I am staying because here at this site, for the most part...they DO have the Solution in the Big Book.... and NOT the psycho babble that has buried so many drunks.

I wish you well.
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Re: Fearless, but so fearful

Postby Stepchild » Fri Jun 17, 2016 7:16 am

we didn't get to where we are in our alcoholism overnight or in a few months and we are not going to walk out the other side, over night or in a few months


I never like hearing this explanation. Because after 35 years of daily drinking that progressed to the point it almost killed me. I did walk out the other side in a couple months. That is my experience.
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Re: Fearless, but so fearful

Postby Patsy© » Fri Jun 17, 2016 7:51 am

Stepchild wrote:
we didn't get to where we are in our alcoholism overnight or in a few months and we are not going to walk out the other side, over night or in a few months


I never like hearing this explanation. Because after 35 years of daily drinking that progressed to the point it almost killed me. I did walk out the other side in a couple months. That is my experience.


I loved hearing that explanation because not only was it the truth, it saved my life..... It may or may not be your truth.....but it is my truth. And it was, after all... my ES&H that I was sharing with a newcomer.
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Re: Fearless, but so fearful

Postby Stepchild » Fri Jun 17, 2016 8:24 am

Just offering another side of the coin Patzy...I think that's healthy. They touch on this in the book..

Another feeling we are very likely to entertain is one of resentment that love and loyalty could not cure our husbands of alcoholism. We do not like the thought that the contents of a book or the work of another alcoholic has accomplished in a few weeks that for which we struggled for years.
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