Resentments toward another recovering AA member

The 12 Steps are the AA program of recovery from alcoholism.
Post Reply
HappyMomma
Forums Newcomer
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Nov 28, 2014 11:00 pm

Resentments toward another recovering AA member

Post by HappyMomma »

This person is the other parent to my daughter and will be in my life for quite some time. I know that said person is not being honest with me and that the lies being told are to suit this person's own schedule while paying the least amount in child support. I know I should not have expectations but I do - subconsciously I'm waiting for my amends and hoping this person will step up to the plate, do the right thing. How can I get these thoughts out of my head? I can't afford to be angry because that leads me to drinking.

User avatar
Tommy-S
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 1732
Joined: Thu Jan 26, 2012 3:11 pm
Location: Norfolk, VA

Re: Resentments toward another recovering AA member

Post by Tommy-S »

Hello,

In a situation like this, I get with my sponsor, who breaks out the Big Book, and we work on Resentments and Fears as laid out by our founders (that they were directed towards another AA means little in my case)... Works every time. Which is a good thing, for as you said, when I harbor those feelings, I'm headed for a drink... and that is something I can not afford.

And sticking to working MY program usually keeps me busy enough that I don't worry about how others are working theirs.

Thanks... Tommy
Together, we don't have to cave in or wimp out to that Fatal First One, no matter what today!

User avatar
Brock
Forums Old Timer
Posts: 4172
Joined: Fri Sep 07, 2012 1:45 pm

Re: Resentments toward another recovering AA member

Post by Brock »

It does say resentment is the number one killer, and for me one of the biggest problems I faced, still comes up a little now and then. A family member managed to get my ailing mother to change her will, being a very greedy and money grabbing person, she was already wealthy when she did it. At first I was going to sue since my mother was not well enough to change the will, but then I am from a small country and it would have been in the papers, didn’t want the family name dragged in the mud. The only way I got over it, is what seemed at the time like crazy advice I found in a story in the Big Book, don’t know where to find it but I have it saved in my documents, it says ----
"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."
Another section of the book gives a passage by Dr. Paul O., it is a well known and used quote, I use the advice it gives on a daily basis, it says ----

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation--some fact of my life --unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.

Finally, one of our contributors gave a short version of the pray for them idea, Easy Does It said a while ago something like “God bless (fill in name), God bless me, God bless our relationship.” I have found this useful to say if crap pops into my mind about another person. Best of luck to you.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

Tom S
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 141
Joined: Fri Jun 24, 2011 11:02 am
Location: New Zealand

Re: Resentments toward another recovering AA member

Post by Tom S »

Yes, yes and yes!
One of the most useful passages from the book, those forgiveness instructions. Worked for me...took more than two or three weeks, but it worked. Praying for their spiritual well being every morning for over a year.
Eventually the fear and resentment left and peace came.
Well worth the effort.
Just my experience.

User avatar
PaigeB
Trusted Servant
Posts: 8769
Joined: Fri Jun 24, 2011 12:28 pm
Location: Iowa USA

Re: Resentments toward another recovering AA member

Post by PaigeB »

HappyMomma wrote:This person is the other parent to my daughter and will be in my life for quite some time. I know that said person is not being honest with me and that the lies being told are to suit this person's own schedule while paying the least amount in child support. I know I should not have expectations but I do - subconsciously I'm waiting for my amends and hoping this person will step up to the plate, do the right thing. How can I get these thoughts out of my head? I can't afford to be angry because that leads me to drinking.
On the last page of the last story of the Big Book it says, "Above all, we reject fantasy and accept reality. The more I drank the more I fantasized everything. I imagined getting even for hurts and rejections. In my mind's eye I played and replayed scenes in which I was magically plucked from the bar where I stood nursing a drink and was instantly exalted to some position of power & prestige. I lived in a dream world. AA gently led me from this fantasizing to embrace reality with open arms..."

I never got more than one $50 check for my youngest son. I kept it for a while as a poor woman raising 4 kids... but one day I had a flat tire and it was all the money I had so I had to cash it. I made the clerk make a copy of it for me though! I spent a lot of years burning that guy in my mind's eye.

Even sober this type of "brain-run" as I call it has plagued me. The only thing I found to help make it settle down was the practice of meditation. Seems contraindicatory right? But meditation is the practice of intentionally changing one's mind from the natural state of constant thought to a quieter place. I just repeat, slowly, a word or phrase. I started with reciting How it Works as read in meetings, went down to the Serenity Prayer, down to the words of Peace & Love. Sometimes I smile when I think about meditating! It IS a practice... it takes work and it does not have instant results. but like it says on page 83 of the Big Book, we have a lot of reconstruction ahead of us. These days, thanks to the practice of meditation (google how to) I am able to pause when agitated. It may not last long, but it might last long enough for me to put my hand over my mouth or long enough for me to change "that Expletive" to "that sick person". :lol:

I try to embrace reality: each situation is just as if it is what I would have chosen for myself. I want to learn and I want to grow - I KNOW that to learn & grow I need to practice ~ Practice the principles we are taught through working the Steps. It is a spiritual axiom that whenever I am agitated, I am the cause of my agitation... it is my perception that is faulty... from too much fantasizing.

Hang in there, practice makes progress not perfection!
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

2granddaughters

Re: Resentments toward another recovering AA member

Post by 2granddaughters »

Are you waiting for amends or legally due child support?

Waiting for amends .. use the Steps.

Waiting for legitimate child support ... use the Law (thats' what a normal person would do).

A good AA'er would give the other party a heads-up on upcoming legal proceedings to get their act together before the poop hit the fan.

All the best.

Bob R

ODAAT
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 198
Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2009 6:01 pm

Re: Resentments toward another recovering AA member

Post by ODAAT »

HappyMomma wrote:... I know I should not have expectations but I do - subconsciously I'm waiting for my amends and hoping this person will step up to the plate, do the right thing. How can I get these thoughts out of my head? I can't afford to be angry because that leads me to drinking.
Al-anon has wisdom and tools for situations such as this. Competent legal advice is also VERY helpful.

tomsteve
Forums Long Timer
Posts: 564
Joined: Mon Oct 20, 2014 10:25 am

Re: Resentments toward another recovering AA member

Post by tomsteve »

Page 66-68 has some good advice,too.

1stPriority
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 23
Joined: Tue Jun 24, 2014 10:28 am

Re: Resentments toward another recovering AA member

Post by 1stPriority »

When we get busy going through the BB ourselves, obsessing about others ceases.
And in that work you will see many truths about that relationship and you, a sponsor and God can decide if/what rondo about this relationship and how you can participate in it via spiritual principles

Pat82
Forums Enthusiast
Posts: 48
Joined: Mon Dec 08, 2014 11:43 am
Location: Prescott AZ area

Re: Resentments toward another recovering AA member

Post by Pat82 »

I don't have anything worthwhile to contribute but just want to thank HappyMomma and those who have replied with such wonderful guidance. This is something I've been dealing with also and its helped me a great deal. It helps to keep coming back too and being reminded of stuff. Thanks again. :)

Post Reply