Newbie

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Chicken
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Newbie

Post by Chicken »

Hi

I am gathering up the courage to admit I am a binge alcoholic and get my ass to a meeting. I have been drinking since my teenage years. My mother is an alcoholic and my step father so I was bought up in an alcoholic home.

I can definitely say that in my 20's I was an active alcoholic and addict. I was the classic Monday morning sick person from too much partying on the weekend on coke and booze. I easily drank a bottle of wine or more per week day evening. Weekends were more. I suspect I only took coke so I could drink more.

13 years ago I became a mother and 12 years ago a single mother.

Between 2002 - 2007 I started binge drinking again. I joined a motorbike club and got involved in bike rallies and the local biker bar. I drove drunk, I neglected my child, I hung with the wrong crowd........

In 2007 I met and became involved with a new man. He is a non-drinker. Or should I say, he can have one drink in one month and not be bothered. I've managed to clean up my life pretty well. What is so confusing for me is that I drink less now than I ever have in my life...yet I still feel I have a problem. He calls me pisscat.

Me not drinking as much could be more because of circumstances as I am now a mother and living with someone who does not want to drink. My ex's of choice were usually "worse" than me so I looked alright in comparison (the father of my child has been in rehab six times and is now in a permanent live in rehab).

I got it into my head recently that it would be a bright idea to come off my anxiety meds. I have now been using wine as my anxiety meds and my alcohol consumption has shot up since. I have been making plans to drink every Friday or rather looking forward to it. Whereas before it didnt bother me too much. If truth be told, I plan dinner out each Friday, but I only have eyes for my three or four big glasses of wine. The food I feel nothing for.

Coming off meds, I have been feeling more and more anxiety. This week my drinking kicked up a notch. Thursday I had half a bottle of wine at home, Friday I had two glasses of wine at the bar at work and my usual three glasses at dinner. Saturday I gave it a miss.

I was adamant to myself that on Sunday I wouldnt be drinking (even though I had guests coming over). Well...I had an argument with my daughter and treated myself to my first glass of wine at 1:30pm. The guests bought more wine at 2pm. And I was asleep at 6pm straight after the guests had left. Woke up feeling remorseful and feeling that this is not the way to live.

I have been to AA before about three years ago to about 6 meetings, but don't think I related as there were no bingers there.

Complentating going to a meeting before my remorse wears off and I am back to looking forward to my Friday anxiety busting drinks.

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ann2
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Re: Newbie

Post by ann2 »

Hi, big welcome, glad you found us, and I wouldn't call you chicken!

I can relate very much to your drinking pattern. I learned a lot of interesting things in AA that I paid attention to:

1. My drinking will progress as my illness progresses
2. Drinking is a depressant, and the first thing it depresses is anxiety. But the rest of the stuff in me that it depresses (problem-solving, social ability, and patience, among so many others) are actually things that prevent anxiety from building. So my solution to anxiety, alcohol, is just making the condition worse.

What do I do about my anxiety without drinking? Well, I pay attention to it nowadays, instead of trying to remove it. I mean, anxiety is a natural reaction that has been bred into us because it is a survival mechanism. If we are worried about something, we do the fight or flight, adrenalin thing that causes our hearts to race, our breathing to increase, our muscles to tense for action.

These feelings get uncomfortable when we don't have anything solid for them to work with, like a sabre-tooth tiger for example, instead only say a mean look from someone or an extra stress at work . . . our bodies have the reaction, no matter how illogical, and we think something is wrong . . .

But nothing's wrong -- we just need to deal with the situation, and unfortunately, because we've been drinking instead of dealing for the past 10-15 years, we have no experience in how to deal. We are basically without resources, or so we think. And we get so much anxiety from this that it's time to open another bottle!

So look -- AA has given me resources for dealing with the problems, but i needed to take advantage of them and walk through the temporary discomfort (that we know as hell) that is our anxiety. Really, it won't hurt you. It will pass, on its own, and passes even faster when we don't think it will never pass :-)

But I did need the training that AA gave me, the experience, strength and hope of other AA members who went through this -- I needed the steps of recovery, AA's basic tools for dealing with life without alcohol specially designed for someone like me, who only knew life with alcohol.

And I didn't drink all the time either. But I always knew I would, eventually, until AA showed me the way to taking care of THIS 24 hours. One day at a time. And that's all we really have, right?

Glad you're here and look forward to hearing more from you --

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

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jakpar
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Re: Newbie

Post by jakpar »

welcome to eAA, glad you are here
Jack

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PaigeB
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Re: Newbie

Post by PaigeB »

Hey Chick! Glad you are here! Keep coming back - we have a substitute for drinking!
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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Chicken
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Re: Newbie

Post by Chicken »

Today is my 6th day sober. I decided to stop trying to white knuckle it through my anxiety and went and got my prescription for my anxiety meds refilled. I have been on medication for over twenty years. And for good reason I s'pose.
It's not worth it....to rather turn to alcohol.

I have found that I handle my teenage daughter a lot better when on meds and not hungover from my Friday night intake. I am not sure what has made it easier. Trying to go sober or the meds.

This Friday was difficult as it is the day I usually look forward to the most in terms of alcohol. I made sure I planned a non alcoholic evening. I didn't buy a bottle of wine at the local store when we went to fill up on movie snacks and treats. We stayed at home and watched a movie and a favourite chat show. I even noticed the glasses of wine that the chat show hosts were having with a sense of loss.

Thank you for the welcomes.
And Ann thank you for your insights on anxiety.
Last edited by Chicken on Sat Jun 09, 2012 1:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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ann2
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Re: Newbie

Post by ann2 »

Congratulations, and great to hear from you again!

Let us know if you have any questions, come here with any thoughts, concerns, rants -- you don't have to do this alone.

For me, it was impossible to take it on by myself. And I think that's because my alcoholism is bigger than me.

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

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PaigeB
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Re: Newbie

Post by PaigeB »

Good to hear that you have found a solution! It is hard in the beginning to see others take in alcohol that my body refuses to process correctly. I have a disease and there is a sense of loss - in the beginning. Do you have a Big Book? It is our basic text and you can read it online.

Here is how you get started.

http://www.aa.org/bbonline/

I would love to hear that you looked at page 152: "We have a substitute and it is vastly more than that..." :)

Keep Coming Back, If you have a problem with not drinking, we can help!
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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Chicken
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Re: Newbie

Post by Chicken »

Paige - yes I do have a hard copy of the Big Book. I am pleased to see that page 152 hard copy is the same as online page 152.I have read the page and will read the whole chapter.

I have been is a sister fellowship for a number of years (>5 years). It seems I have done things the wrong way round and sought help for behavioral issues before addiction issues it would appear and for whatever reasons it has become hard to go there. As of last week I thought "no more!"I thought it was quite a bummer that I could no longer attend.

There has been a concurrent AA meeting that I have eyeing to attend. Same day. Same time.

I'm feeling I am being guided towards the other (AA) fellowship.

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Chicken
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Day ten

Post by Chicken »

Hi

Day ten and went to a meeting last night.

I am noticing alcohol signs all over the place. Places that I drive past frequently. All of a sudden "ALTO ROUGE" is clearly visible on the side of a building. Driven past hundreds of times and never seen it before.

I've also had a migraine for two days and wonder if this is from detoxing ? Although I am only a weekend drinker ?

D

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Re: Day ten

Post by Lali »

Chicken wrote:Hi

Day ten and went to a meeting last night.

I am noticing alcohol signs all over the place. Places that I drive past frequently. All of a sudden "ALTO ROUGE" is clearly visible on the side of a building. Driven past hundreds of times and never seen it before.

I've also had a migraine for two days and wonder if this is from detoxing ? Although I am only a weekend drinker ?

D
You will likely start noticing more alcohol than you used to notice in movies and t.v. now. Thanks to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, these things no longer trigger me and its as if I can look right through them. As for the headaches, its hard to say since you were a weekend drinker. The best advice I can give you is to stay well hydrated.

Good on 10 days!! :D
Step 1: I can't
Step 2: He can
Step 3: I think I'll let him

MyNameisVictor
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Re: Newbie

Post by MyNameisVictor »

Welcome, Chicken, and congratulations on taking the first step towards sobriety! Ann's advice on anxiety is excellent. We all get anxious. There is a slogan in AA that "This too shall pass." Us alcoholics tend to make mountains out of molehills. Your drinking story is nothing new to any of us. As Ann wisely pointed out, unless treated, the drinking will progress. For me it progressed to a half-bottle of scotch per day at the end. AA is a program that saved my life, without a doubt.

I would highly recommend the book that AA gives to newcomers called Living Sober. It gives practical, day to day advice on how to get through that difficult time in early sobriety when the obsession is still there.

I wish I could tell you that there is an easy way to handle the urges to drink in the first 6 months to a year. Eight years ago, I had to use every single tool that AA gave me to deal with those (one day at a time, easy does it, there's nothing so bad that a drink won't make worse, follow your feet to the meeting, etc.), but the main one was something my sponsor told me: when it comes to going to meetings, calling your sponsor/fellow AA members, and praying ("God, please give me the strength to do what is necessary to not pick up a drink today, because I can't do that alone"), don't think. That's it. Don't think. When us alcoholics are alone with our thoughts for too long, bad things tend to happen. Equate going to that daily meeting to getting up and going to work.

The best thing I can tell you is that if you stick to this program, the miracle will happen in that the obsession to drink will be lifted. It happened with me - maybe not on my timetable - but it did, and I'm a guy who used to drink at least a pint or half-bottle of whatever hard booze I could get my hands on every day. It will happen to you to.

God bless you Chicken, and to reiterate what Ann said, you don't have to do this alone. Keep coming back.

Victor
"They said a miracle would happen on my 90th day of sobriety, and it did happen...I was sober."
-Anonymous from the Trinity Group of AA in NYC

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Tosh
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Re: Day ten

Post by Tosh »

Chicken wrote: I am noticing alcohol signs all over the place. Places that I drive past frequently. All of a sudden "ALTO ROUGE" is clearly visible on the side of a building. Driven past hundreds of times and never seen it before.
Ah, yes; thanks for reminding me. I remember going to my local supermarket in early sobriety and kinda surprised (not in a nice way) at how many different locations - apart from aisle 6 - where alcohol was on sale; all over the place with special offers here and there and everywhere.
Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. Come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again, come, come.” Rumi (No sniggering from the sex addicts)

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ann2
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Re: Newbie

Post by ann2 »

MyNameisVictor wrote: Eight years ago, I had to use every single tool that AA gave me to deal with those (one day at a time, easy does it, there's nothing so bad that a drink won't make worse, follow your feet to the meeting, etc.), but the main one was something my sponsor told me: when it comes to going to meetings, calling your sponsor/fellow AA members, and praying ("God, please give me the strength to do what is necessary to not pick up a drink today, because I can't do that alone"), don't think. That's it. Don't think. When us alcoholics are alone with our thoughts for too long, bad things tend to happen. Equate going to that daily meeting to getting up and going to work.
Thanks Victor, don't actually remember hearing "Follow your feet to the meeting" but that's a good one!

Yes, getting up and going to work -- a safe place for my sobriety.

And my sponsor used to say, "It's a no-brainer" about calling someone or going to a meeting, meaning the same thing -- avoid thinking. Get around the conversation in the head. Take action.

Ann
"If I don't take twenty walks, Billy Beane send me to Mexico" -- Miguel Tejada

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Chicken
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Re: Newbie

Post by Chicken »

Day 13....have been hibernating when not at work. Not ready for social interaction with friends.

Thanks Victor. I downloaded the Living Sober pamphlet. Useful. :)

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Re: Newbie

Post by firemarshal »

Chicken wrote:Day 13....have been hibernating when not at work. Not ready for social interaction with friends.
Hi Chick! I'm 10 days in now and I have done the same thing lol... I feel like I might could, but I need some more time under my belt before exposing myself to my friends drinking again. Good luck and keep up the good work. Have you made it to a meeting yet? They help me tremendously, and having people to call when I feel like drinking has saved my rear end a couple times now.

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