Men talking to women at meetings

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Re: Men talking to women at meetings

Postby Ken_the_Geordie » Tue Jan 04, 2011 8:05 am

My sponsor has told me never to sponsor a woman; any woman; whether I find her attractive or not. He's pretty black 'n' white about this (maybe this has something to do with his 1st sponsor leaving his wife for a female sponsee?).

One of the reasons he gave me was that sponsorship was about setting a good example, and if I have a male and female sponsees - even if I have no sexual intent what-so-ever - he says my integrity could be compromised if a male sponsee of mine wanted to sponsor a female. If I suggested that they shouldn't, he said they could argue, "Well, you sponsor a female!"

And I was actually asked by a newly sober female, last Summer, to sponsor her. I did find her attractive (my first thought was 'Could I sponsor her without Mrs Ken finding out?; I'm still human :oops: ). She explained to me that all her life she'd been a 'tom boy' and that she'd never really had female friends, even as a child, and found men easier to speak to. I declined after a brief struggle with myself, and explained to her all the reasons why she should get a female to sponsor her; and not a bloke; and I was honest.

So, for me, I'm never going to sponsor a female, but I will help one to find a female sponsor.
I'm more commonly known as Tosh (it's a nick name, but everyone I know in real life calls me it); just in case there's any confusion; I tend to use Tosh or Ken interchangeably and it confuses some; including me. ;-)
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Re: Men talking to women at meetings

Postby TheresaR » Tue Jan 04, 2011 9:55 am

I cringe :-)


How did that work for her?
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Re: Men talking to women at meetings

Postby Layne » Tue Jan 04, 2011 10:12 am

AA is not a program of absolutes. AA is a program of suggestions. In choosing a sponsor, the potential for more difficulties is greater if someone looks in whatever group their sexual attraction is toward even if that is not the motive.

My wife was an emergency room nurse for years and she said that patients develop strong feelings and attractions to the people that were relieving their pain. As the recipient of an ambulance ride for a broken leg, I can relate to this, as I experienced an attraction to the nurse that provided me with IV drugs for the pain on the ride to the hospital.

Early in recovery, I was definitely in pain, couple this with an alcohol addled brain; and we are talking a potential powder keg of dysfunction.

Oh yeah, I ran into that ambulance ride nurse a few times over the years. In the first few encounters after the broken leg, I still experienced strange, weird, unexplainable feelings. After a while, it was more like, what was I thinking.

That is my story and I'm sticking to it! Do what you want with the information. :)
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Re: Men talking to women at meetings

Postby Ken_the_Geordie » Tue Jan 04, 2011 10:19 am

TheresaR wrote:I cringe :-)


How did that work for her?


I don't know, I haven't seen her since. I met her in Bristol which is in a large city, close to me, and there's loads of meetings, and this particular one was on the outskirts and not one of my normal meetings; it was just one where I'd been asked to share at.

I hope she's okay though; she had a really rough time of it (kids taken into care and stuff).
I'm more commonly known as Tosh (it's a nick name, but everyone I know in real life calls me it); just in case there's any confusion; I tend to use Tosh or Ken interchangeably and it confuses some; including me. ;-)
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Re: Men talking to women at meetings

Postby Layne » Tue Jan 04, 2011 10:23 am

She explained to me that all her life she'd been a 'tom boy' and that she'd never really had female friends, even as a child, and found men easier to speak to.


I can't believe how many people I have heard share over the years about how they had trouble talking and forming bonds with people of the same sex. Might be time for the 'tom boy' to start learning how.

When I finally decided to get sober and work the program and steps of AA, instead of the revolving door that i was stuck in, I had to do things differently than I ever had before in order for the results to be different than they ever had before.

That included talking to and forming bonds with people period, which I always had difficulty with in the past.
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Re: Men talking to women at meetings

Postby Marc L » Tue Jan 04, 2011 11:49 am

newby1961 wrote: :lol: Wowee if that's not an argument waiting to happen. So I guess for me the answer lies in trusting God, cleaning house, and helping others regardless if they are man, woman, or whatever? God's speed


Hiya Newbie;
I'm Marc and I'm Alcoholic.
Welcome.

Marc
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12th Step work ain't just a job... It's an Adventure.
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Re: Men talking to women at meetings

Postby ann2 » Fri Jan 07, 2011 1:49 am

Nice work, Ken. I agree, it's time to start talking to other women. Lots of "tomboys" in our women's meeting share how it was first in AA that they learned to talk to other women, and how fulfilling that ended up being.

A comfort level with a sponsor is not something I personally would seek. I'm looking for someone to get me out of my "comfort zone."

Ann
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Re: Men talking to women at meetings

Postby Karl R » Fri Jan 07, 2011 6:40 am

A comfort level with a sponsor is not something I personally would seek. I'm looking for someone to get me out of my "comfort zone."


An astute and potentially useful observation to me Ann. Thank you.

good morning,
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Re: Men talking to women at meetings

Postby Saintest » Thu Jul 28, 2016 6:14 am

There is nothing wrong with men and women talking to one another at meetings. It is great that we can have friends in AA. I do, however, strongly recommend newcomers should not be in a hurry to get into a relationship. I also recommend the ones who have been in the fellowship for a while not pounce on the newcomers. Newcomers should be focused on their recovery. That is a full time job. First things first.
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Re: Men talking to women at meetings

Postby Larryp713 » Fri Jul 29, 2016 9:49 am

I will be completely honest - I enjoy talking to women in recovery. I am married and want to stay that way, but I can't talk to my wife about a lot of things in my head. And when it comes to emotions, etc... guys usually are wired to not talk about that stuff. So, I have several female friends I talk to, but there are boundaries. I don't flirt and I don't ask for their phone numbers unless needed for some specific reason - such as service opportunities, etc... I usually talk about recovery and kids. I feel very good about my intentions and I have had no problems. I was invited to watch a game over one of my friend's house and was able to introduce her and a couple of the other ladies to my wife.

All this said, I still remind myself to be careful and vigilant because I know who I am. If given the opportunity, I can screw up any situation royally, as I always do when I try to run the show. If I wouldn't want my wife to know about a conversation or interaction with a female, than it is something I should not be doing. Period.

One additional point I want to make. I think old timers share this advice out of genuine concern for new people, and not being a hater. I have seen situations in AA and my church where these friendships turn inappropriate, and the damage to loved ones is devastating. So, appreciate and consider their advice, and I think you will find the right balance as you continue in recovery. Thanks for the topic - Larry
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