Alcoholism and Cancer. Struggling to be the “perfect survivor” please help

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hold my hand<3
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Alcoholism and Cancer. Struggling to be the “perfect survivor” please help

Post by hold my hand<3 » Thu Aug 15, 2019 3:51 pm

Hi all, I’ve been struggling with an alcoholic cancer journey, please tell me I am not alone. All the other cancer victims and survivors I’ve met seems like such good patients, I feel like they follow all the doctors orders and live so perfectly in order to comebat their illnesses. People in my outside world think I’m strong like that too but the struggle has gotten to me and secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) I turned to alcohol to cope with everything. I know the doctors and my supporters and admirers would be so disappointed in me. I’m feeling so guilty that I’m not the “perfect survivor” or the “perfect patient” the struggles with losing my beauty to chemo, and battling constant sickness triggered my alcoholism. I now have the most wonderful life in remission with my precious toddler and the most fantastic husband. I am so happy and thankful for this beautiful life, but, at the same time, I still struggle with alcoholism.

I hope other secret or not so secret alcoholic cancer patients will read this and hopefully relate to my story. It would be so relieving and comforting to know that I am not the only cancer patient who is not the “perfect survivor” despite what everyone has done for me, I still struggle with alcoholism to cope with everything. I feel so guilty about drinking during both treatment and recovery. Everyone compliments me on how strong I have been during my battle with leukemia, so many kind hearted people raised money to help me conquer my cancer, and the doctors have all worked so hard to save my life. On the outside my story is pretty incredible and seems so inspirational, I seem so strong to everyone but myself.

A little background on my situation, I gave birth to my incredible, beautiful,and miraculously healthy,child in between rounds of painful chemo and with no pain killers (oooooouch!!!)Then I had to be isolated from my baby for 100 days because my immune system was too weak to be around an infant. The isolation from my baby was so heartbreaking. I lost all my hair, beforore cancer I was so beautiful and then, just like that, everything and all my beauty, was gone (except for my beautiful baby, husband, and parents that got be through so much) Then, after I was getting better from my leukemia I got even more sick when an incredible Anonymous human Being donated his bone barrow cells to save my life. My body had a major rejection episodes. But I somehow recovered to be stronger than ever. I am forever thankful to my donor for saving my life. but now I feel extra guilty because he gave so much for me and still, behind closed doors, I am so worried that he would be disappointed in what I have become. I am flawed and struggling with alcoholism. People think I am so brave and strong to have endured the wrath of cancer while pregnant, and a brutal bone marrow transplant that left me so sick but ultimately saved my life. The outside world does not know that I still often use alcohol to cope with the pain and suffering that I have been through. And yes, I use it on a daily basis. I am a stay at home mom and I love being with my wonderful child all day, but at the same time, he is a handful and all this stuff just drives me to the Bottle 🙈. Please share your stories with me, I hope to build up strength for my recovery by hearing about your journies ❤️

Despite my drinking I want you to know that I am still so thankful and appreciative to be alive. Regardless of my demons I am still so happy to be here and I love my life and my family so much ❤️

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Re: Alcoholism and Cancer. Struggling to be the “perfect survivor” please help

Post by PaigeB » Fri Aug 16, 2019 1:04 pm

Oh Honey. There is no perfect survivor.

Just trust that you are the perfect you - right where you are. God doesn't make junk ya know!

The great thing about this AA program is that it IS separate from cancer. You will likely have to treat both conditions simultaneously. I really hope you reach out to AA... It solved the drink problem for me AND it has a solution for my need to be perfect too! I have always held myself to a higher standard than those around me - even so far as to call myself an idiot for making the wrong move in playing a game of SOLITAIRE! :lol: :lol:

It takes time and it takes practice, but we do not do this 12 Step program alone. Call this number and make a new AA friend! (212) 870-3400. They will direct to people in your area and you will make many many more friends as you go along. None of them are perfect either!
hold my hand<3 wrote:
Thu Aug 15, 2019 3:51 pm
Hi all, I’ve been struggling with an alcoholic cancer journey, please tell me I am not alone.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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