Is there anyone else like me?

New to AA? Got questions? Here's the place to ask. Note that no one person speaks "officially" for AA. AA meetings in your local area are always the best source of information. Note that anyone may post and reply to messages in this forum.
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hold my hand<3
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Is there anyone else like me?

Post by hold my hand<3 » Thu Aug 15, 2019 4:20 am

Hi everyone, I am reaching out for help as a newbie to this site. I am a very happy person and I have such a wonderful life, but I also have some major demons. I struggle with alcoholism , eating disorders and low confidence. ( I know, alcoholism and eating disorders, bad combination physically and mentally). I suffer from just about anything and everything that causes self destruction (although my eating disorders have improved). Despite all the turmoil I am actually a very happy, loving person. I am writing because I feel somewhat helpless and a little alone. Am I the only one on this site who still struggles with alcoholism daily? It seems like everyone on the forum boards has achieved at least some degree of sobriety. I am so impressed with all you strong people, congratulations.

I have always had an addictive personality, but my alcoholism really escalated a few years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer at 29 weeks pregnant (i didn’t drink during my pregnancy). I am now two years in remission (woohoo!) and I am so happy to be alive. I am living a wonder life with a fantastic husband and a beautiful, healthy 2 year old miracle son. I have so much love and gratitude in my heart but I also feel extremely guilty because instead of being the perfect mother, wife and survivor, the pressures of being sick and feeling like I lost my beauty to cancer and chemo has triggered my drinking. I am so ashamed that I am not living my second chance at life with more purity. Instead I am drinking daily and struggling to stop after just 1 or 2 drinks. I am so afraid of getting lectured and scolded by normal people who think I should be living a better post cancer life, they do not understand this alcoholism disease. Also, I feel like normal people think alcoholics cannot love their family and their lives fully because they drink too much. That is NOT true. I love my family and my life SO SO much. My husband and my son are my WORLD, it’s just that my demons like to make me think that I love the boozies too.

I know so many of you who read this will suggest that I start going to meetings, but I am not ready to take that step. I want to try the online approach first. I’ll probably get some negative feedback for this but I am not ready to quit drinking completely either, my husband and I have such a great time drinking together, it’s just that I tend to take it a little too far. i want to try the moderation route for a little while, my hope is that I can reach out to some of you for encouragement to stop drinking excessively. I hope that when I have that first drink I can log into this page and get help and encouragement from you guys to stop after 1 or 2 or at least before drunkenness. I think that with the support of you all I can do it. In a few weeks I may try the whole sober approach, but I will keep you all posted on that.

Thank you so much for reading my long babble. I hope that by joining this site I can connect and befriend people who struggle like me.

I’ll finish up by reiterating that just because we are alcoholics does NOT, by any means, mean that we have no room in our hearts to love our friends and family and life. I love the world so very much <3

Xoxoxo

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avaneesh912
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Re: Is there anyone else like me?

Post by avaneesh912 » Thu Aug 15, 2019 5:28 am

I can relate to your experience. By working the 12 steps AA we can bring in awareness into outside issues too. And there are other fellowships that can help with those out side issues. Thats the beauty of the time we live in. Grab the book Alcoholics Anonymous and also try to find a compatible person whom can help you understand and apply the principles of the program in your life. Good luck.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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Brock
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Re: Is there anyone else like me?

Post by Brock » Thu Aug 15, 2019 8:48 am

Hi, and welcome here.

To the question if there is anyone else like you, I might say most if not all folks here where like you. At first we were looking for a way out by which we could moderate our drinking, have a couple to feel relaxed then all would be fine. But we found we couldn’t do that, or we might by forcing ourselves not to have more, but that is a crappy way to live. There are programs which claim to be able to teach people to moderate, if you google under alcohol moderation or some such words you will likely find them. But if you are what out literature calls a ‘real alcoholic,’ it will not work, and that is where AA comes in.

I too have had cancer, twice, and each time I asked the fellow up above please save me, I will be a good boy and stop drinking if you do. Well of course I didn’t, and the second time it was throat cancer, a bad case and I might have lost my voice, please save my life and my voice I begged, you know how much I like to talk. Well even while I was still recovering from the operation and my voice was only a whisper, I still whispered in the barman's ear ordering my booze, all the promises forgotten. Finally I understood what these AA folks were saying, and after being in and out of the meeting rooms for many years, I returned to stay, best decision I ever made and happiest I have ever been.

And one of the things they were saying, is exactly what you are complimenting us on, no we are not strong people, and AA makes it plain as day that will power will be of no use, when the cunning voice of Mr. Booze says come here. We get our strength from a higher power, and a program which treats the reasons we wanted to drink in the first place, then we don’t feel to drink, and smile a lot because life gets so much better.

You are right that we would suggest going to meetings, and we didn’t want to do that either, but we ended up finding it nothing to be scared about, and something most of us enjoy. Those who don’t enjoy it can maintain their program in other ways, it’s simple and easy to do once we get the basic steps under our belt. But I am afraid that if you log on here after one or two as you hope to do, then ask for encouragement to not have any more, we know nothing about that and will not be able to help, because that’s exactly what we tried to do ourselves, and failed miserably over and over again.

But if you decide that at least attempting to stop completely is what you want, those in meetings and on forums like this will be glad to help.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

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ebear
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Re: Is there anyone else like me?

Post by ebear » Thu Aug 15, 2019 8:50 am

Hi there, hold my hand.

You sound like a loving and conscientious person. Many of us were like you. We tried moderation for a looooong time. Ultimately I and many others came to AA because moderation failed and we realized we could not drink safely--and saw that our attempts to control our drinking were a perpetual struggle. Who needs that in their daily lives?! So abstinence was our only way to freedom. And the testimony of countless people in AA will tell you the fun didn't stop when we took alcohol out of the mix. In fact, we started having fun that we never had to apologize for, never had to regret.

Anyway, here's what the book Alcoholics Anonymous says about moderation in the chapter "More About Alcoholism":
If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right- about-face and drink like a gentleman [or lady, in your case, hold my hand], our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!
Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums - we could increase the list ad infinitum.
We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself. Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly. Try it more than once. It will not take long for you to decide, if you are honest with yourself about it. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition.
If you don't change direction, you'll end up where you're headed.

hold my hand<3
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Re: Is there anyone else like me?

Post by hold my hand<3 » Thu Aug 15, 2019 11:15 am

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am taking everything you said to heart and I am working on building up the courage to be as strong as you all. You are such inspirations. Please stand by me in my journey.

Dear Brock, I hope you and other cancer patients will read this, thank you so much for sharing the stories about your battles with cancer. It is so relieving and comforting to know that I am not the only cancer patient who is not the “perfect survivor” and has stuggles with alcoholism. I feel so guilty about drinking during both treatment and recovery. Everyone commences me on how strong I have been during my battle with leukemia, so many kind hearted people raised money to help me conquer my cancer, and the doctors have worked so hard to save my life. On the outside my story is pretty incredible and seems very inspirational. I gave birth to my incredible child in between rounds of chemo with no pain killers (oooooouch!!!)Then I had to be isolated from my baby for 100 days because my immune system was too weak to be around an infant. That was so heartbreaking for me. I lost all my hair and and my beauty, and then I got so sick after an incredible Anonymous human Being donated his bone barrow cells to save my life. People think I am so brave and strong to have endured the wrath of cancer while pregnant, but they do not know that I often use alcohol to cope with the pain and suffering. All the other cancer patients I have met seemed to fight their diseases so perfectly doing everything the doctor says, and I am so comforted to hear that another cancer patient also had some not so perfect habits. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope to build up the strength to be as victorious as you have been with your alcolism recovery.

Despite my drinking I want you to know that I am still so thankful and appreciative to be alive. Regardless of my demons I am still so happy to be here and I love my life so much ❤️

innermost
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Re: Is there anyone else like me?

Post by innermost » Thu Aug 15, 2019 3:53 pm

Welcome Hold my hand<3

If you find going to meetings objectionable at this time,
I can only think to bring a meeting to you.

Yes, I mean You tube.
Search "AA speaker meetings" and you may quickly discover AA people
have a lot in common with yourself.
You can also hear how others have worked the 12 steps.(From the book Alcoholics Anonymous, AKA Big Book,
which is the core of our program.)

Possibly some day a meeting or 2 might seem in order to fellowship in.
Many people have manged periods of sobriety on the fellowship alone.
I would suggest a balanced approach of (Unity-Service-Recovery)
Desire and Honesty go along way in this program.
The first 164 pg. is the program!

Conan
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Re: Is there anyone else like me?

Post by Conan » Wed Sep 18, 2019 12:16 pm

Those who work with AA principles have a greater chance of staying abstained, while correcting their past they are also preparing for their future.
My soul ... do not see Do not hear Do not speak ... Taste things only ... likes or dislikes ...

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Spirit Flower
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Re: Is there anyone else like me?

Post by Spirit Flower » Wed Sep 18, 2019 1:51 pm

Alcoholism is a disease. If you have it, you can't lick it by yourself and it will continue as long as you trigger it. Modern neuro science explains the systems in the brain which cause continued drunken-ness, until you do something different. But read the books and learn for yourself.

You can read our books, Alcoholics Anonymous and The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, online for free here:
https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/read-the ... traditions
...a score card reading zero...

Nomore18
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Re: Is there anyone else like me?

Post by Nomore18 » Thu Sep 19, 2019 8:00 am

Hi I did it on my own!! 32 days no alcohol!! I was not a falling down drunk who drank everyday but I def had a binge problem and I did not like the part I was on. Drank since early teens and was the party girl and now I'm pushing 50. I'm a super spritual person and just pray and meditate and take one day at a time!! Also read about it like in this forum. Any thoughts would be great!?!?!

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ebear
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Re: Is there anyone else like me?

Post by ebear » Thu Sep 19, 2019 8:09 am

Well done, Nomore.

I and many others in the program were able to maintain our sobriety and improve our lives only by connecting with fellow AAs and working the steps. It’s being part of the “We” of the program. And we found it true that “to keep it (sobriety), we need to give it away”—that is, to help the newcomer. You might be one of the rare people who are able to stop on their own. If you ever feel your strength waning, though, the doors of AA are always open.
If you don't change direction, you'll end up where you're headed.

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PaigeB
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Re: Is there anyone else like me?

Post by PaigeB » Thu Sep 19, 2019 1:11 pm

AA will be here if you ever need to get together with others who don't drink. It is my experience that it might not be today, but maybe next week or next year... anyway, AA and e-aa will be here!
https://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources
Congrats!
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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