I Failed

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tpaladin
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I Failed

Post by tpaladin » Thu Jun 13, 2019 1:21 am

Here I am, drunk, and pondering my misfortunes and how I cannot stop drinking. I have two New Amsterdam Vodkas staring at me, after a pint of Fleishman's Vodka, and four vodka shooters...I don't know how much that is, but I know I am a fool. I posted about relapse, and here I am relapsing again. I am a fool and a loser. I wish I could stop this madness. Please, just give me a word of possibility and hope...a word of forgiveness, for myself, and my foolishness.

D'oh
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Re: I Failed

Post by D'oh » Thu Jun 13, 2019 4:39 am

The answer might be in the Next Drink, or the one after that one.

But I never found it there.

It is amazing, how a 26oz Bottle is so easy to pick up, and a Phone seems to weigh 100lbs.

When ever you are ready, the Answer is here. When ever you are Completely Defeated, AA and the Fellowship, will show you how.

Good Luck, you are closer than you might think.

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avaneesh912
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Re: I Failed

Post by avaneesh912 » Thu Jun 13, 2019 4:45 am

Here I am, drunk, and pondering my misfortunes and how I cannot stop drinking. I have two New Amsterdam Vodkas staring at me, after a pint of Fleishman's Vodka, and four vodka shooters...I don't know how much that is, but I know I am a fool. I posted about relapse, and here I am relapsing again. I am a fool and a loser. I wish I could stop this madness. Please, just give me a word of possibility and hope...a word of forgiveness, for myself, and my foolishness.

If you have insurance or can afford, you may want to use the recovery programs where they would safely detox and allow you to attend AA meetings. So it can sink in. Right now its hard to stop.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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ebear
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Re: I Failed

Post by ebear » Thu Jun 13, 2019 7:52 am

Thinking I could avoid drinking by myself kept me out of the rooms and away from the solution for years. Every morning, destroyed with remorse, I would remind myself of my AA friends who taught me "We cannot do this alone." I knew that getting back to meetings was the answer, and the ONLY answer for me, but I would shut myself in and drink instead. Why? If I had a broken leg, my brain would direct me to the doctor. Same thing with eye problems, diabetes--whatever. But in the case of my drinking problem, the disease or break was in my mind itself, which I could no longer rely on. "I have a disease that wants me dead, and it talks to me in my own voice," said one AA friend at a meeting a few years ago.

My scheming mind told me what I wanted to hear so that I could keep to myself and drink: I'll be fine if I keep busy. Just a day away from booze, and the compulsion will stop. It didn't work today, but I'll try again tomorrow. Maybe I need help for depression, and then I won't want to drink.

But in the back of my mind, I was deflecting truths that I knew.
  • I never got sober before AA.
    "Meeting makers make it"--they really do!
    Every day would follow the same sad script unless I resumed meetings and took the program's direction.
    The best days of my life had come when I worked the steps with a sponsor and saw my AA friends regularly at meetings.
    By myself, I have no defense against the first drink. It WILL happen, and the drinking would spin out of control immediately.
    I cannot do this alone. I cannot. I have proven that beyond doubt, over and over and over.
    I am not a loser. I am an alcoholic, and only AA will help me clear my twisted thinking so that I will come to feel, understand, and accept that without shame.
    And finally, I LIKE meetings. I LIKE my friends there. What perverse idea told me to jump ship and try to swim on my own again, with my hands tied behind my back?
Today is Thursday. I will go to a meeting tonight. Not I think I will, or I might, or I should. I will. Because I need help today just as much as ever.

Thanks for writing.
If you don't change direction, you'll end up where you're headed.

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PaigeB
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Re: I Failed

Post by PaigeB » Thu Jun 13, 2019 10:00 am

There IS Hope. If we know about alcoholism, like no professional knows it... And since we did something and are now NOT DRINKING... well, we must be doing something right!

See if this Jaywalker story sound like you! I love this one!
“Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs.”

“On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jaywalking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn’t he?”

“You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted alcoholism or any addiction for jay-walking, the illustration would fit exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane. It’s strong language but isn’t it true?”
BB pg 37-38.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

innermost
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Re: I Failed

Post by innermost » Thu Jun 13, 2019 4:27 pm

tpaladin
Then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous four horsemen
Terror
Bewilderment
Frustration and
Despair.
Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!
The above is from the chapter "A vision for you" pg. 151 of the Big Book.

This thing is to big for us alone.
Please attend AA meetings (if your not) people know what you are going through.
The only requirement is the desire to stop drinking.
So even if you have been drinking you can still go, you are invited.

I pray that you have the courage and strength to surrender to those that understand the Alcoholics dilemma.
The first 164 pg. is the program!

maurits
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Re: I Failed

Post by maurits » Sat Jun 22, 2019 8:12 am

ebear wrote:
Thu Jun 13, 2019 7:52 am

I cannot do this alone. I cannot. I have proven that beyond doubt, over and over and over.

I am not a loser. I am an alcoholic

same here

tpaladin
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Re: I Failed

Post by tpaladin » Sun Jun 23, 2019 9:55 pm

Thank you so much for your responses; I really let them sink in. I have been to several meetings, and I have not drank. I am sorry for the delayed response. I was just embarrassed. Thanks you so much:)

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PaigeB
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Re: I Failed

Post by PaigeB » Mon Jun 24, 2019 9:49 am

No need for embarrassment. You've been experimenting. Anything you can tell us about the drinking condition? Because Your Story WILL save a LIFE one day.
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

hold my hand<3
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Re: I Failed

Post by hold my hand<3 » Thu Aug 15, 2019 10:56 pm

Not sure this helps but I’m right there with you. Silly me,thinking I could do moderation. This morning I told myself that today is the day for sobriety, and then later I said maybe moderations, and then after my first drink I thought to myself maybe tomorrow will be my day. And now here I am, just got yelled at by my wonderful, loving husband (who drinks too by the way, but can control himself much better than me) for getting drunk again.

My heart goes out to people like us, this disease is brutal😔
Biggest hugs. I pray that one day we can find the way that so many strong individuals have on this site.

Message me anytime you need a commiseration partner. I hope we can find the courage to get better soon.

Serenity-Now66
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Re: I Failed

Post by Serenity-Now66 » Fri Aug 16, 2019 12:05 am

Throw away what you have in the house (booze) if anything is left over. Get to a meeting.
You are not a loser, we are powerless when it comes to alcohol. 1 day at a time... A new day 1 awaits you.

D'oh
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Re: I Failed

Post by D'oh » Fri Aug 16, 2019 1:11 am

1 is Too Many, 100 Ain't Enough.

It is a vicious cycle, but one that we can get out of People.

At todays Meeting, a Grapevine Reading said "Never forget to Fear our Disease". When I got here, I had tried Everyway to "Put the World together" to suit Me. Rather than just "Living Life to What Life is handing out." "Life is what happens when we are making other plans."

There is a reason, we are all here, don't give up before the "Miracle Happens"

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avaneesh912
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Re: I Failed

Post by avaneesh912 » Fri Aug 16, 2019 5:33 am

Silly me,thinking I could do moderation. This morning I told myself that today is the day for sobriety, and then later I said maybe moderations, and then after my first drink I thought to myself maybe tomorrow will be my day.

Thats our first stage of recovery process. Not one good Alcoholic is going to stop when they realize they an issue. Instinct says we will try moderation.

And then we realize we cant moderate, we enter into the 2nd stage of attempted recovery on our own. We then try to stay stopped on our own. And we arrive at a point we cant stay stopped. Thats when we seek others help. If we are lucky we end up in AA.
Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism.(Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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PaigeB
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Re: I Failed

Post by PaigeB » Fri Aug 16, 2019 1:16 pm

hold my hand<3 wrote:
Thu Aug 15, 2019 10:56 pm
Not sure this helps but I’m right there with you. Silly me,thinking I could do moderation. This morning I told myself that today is the day for sobriety, and then later I said maybe moderations, and then after my first drink I thought to myself maybe tomorrow will be my day. And now here I am, just got yelled at by my wonderful, loving husband (who drinks too by the way, but can control himself much better than me) for getting drunk again.

My heart goes out to people like us, this disease is brutal😔
Biggest hugs. I pray that one day we can find the way that so many strong individuals have on this site.

Message me anytime you need a commiseration partner. I hope we can find the courage to get better soon.
You will get no commiseration with me! I WANT to live in the solution!
"This morning I told myself that today is the day for sobriety..."
You can say that every morning! Reach out to whatever Higher Power you can think of to HELP YOU STAY SOBER TODAY. Do not worry about tomorrow - just put together one day for now. Maybe you can say your prayer and then look online for a meeting near you! I know you said in another thread that you are not ready - but hey! Today is a NEW DAY! You might be more ready than you think! In fact - STOP thinking! Let your FEET do the work and get to that meeting!

We live in the solution - YOU are welcome to JOIN US!
Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. page 124 BB

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ebear
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Re: I Failed

Post by ebear » Fri Aug 16, 2019 2:05 pm

Dear hold my hand:

I have read your posts from the beginning, and I just want to call your attention to a certain progression. It began with you and your husband having “fun” drinking, to him getting irritated at your drinking, to him yelling at you for being drunk again. If you are like me, the progression only gets worse. So I recommend doing as Paige suggests. Slam the brakes right where you are, and don’t wait. Get going NOW! Tonight!!
If you don't change direction, you'll end up where you're headed.

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