Too scared to go to an AA meeting

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ike
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Too scared to go to an AA meeting

Post by ike » Tue Jul 17, 2018 3:35 am

I started drinking and smoking during my sophomore year in college. I became good friends with a couple of my group mates and we would party a lot in the apartment one of them was renting. It was there where I tried weed for the first time and I fell in love with it. The alcohol was fun too but the hangovers and other unpleasant consequences really outweighed the temporary euphoria you feel when drunk. So that’s how I became a pothead.

In the beginning I didn't smoke very often though, in part because weed was hard to obtain: you need to know people, you need to go to certain places, deal with people you normally wouldn't.

But then when I was 27, a year after graduating from college, I moved to Spain and here the weed situation was a little different. Drugs are still illegal but in general are much easier to buy here.

So at first it was only once a day, then 2, then three and pretty soon it was 10 - 15 joints a day. It would go on for months. I would stop going out, I would stop cleaning the house and I would spend days in and out completely stoned.

At some point I’d get tired of smoking and I felt like I needed to take a break. So instead I would start drinking.
I’d drink until I couldn’t do it anymore so I’d go back to weed after several months. Back and forth for more than 9 years. And all those years I thought that I could stop at any moment.

After several unsuccessful attempts to quit and get my S*** together finally came a horrifying realization that I couldn’t stop. I mean I could but life would become a constant struggle. My body would be constantly demanding pleasure and it would exploit any vulnerability available to make me give it what it wanted. I could hold on for some time, fight it off, keep saying no, but sooner or later I’d give up.

I’d come to conclude that life is short and meaningless, why deprive yourself of the only nice thing there is in it? Besides everybody is doing that. Also it’s ok, I’ll do it just until the end of this month, then I’m quitting for good. That’s a promise. And so the vicious circle goes on.

I am 35 years old, I am living in a foreign country, with a shitty job that barely gets me any money and all the money I get from it I spend on booze and dope. I am scared. I don’t have anybody here. No friends, no family. Completely alone. There are AA group meetings in Madrid, I looked it up. I wanted to go but am too shy and too scared, I couldn’t make myself go there. At this point I am completely lost and have no idea what I am doing with my life, but one thing I know is I really want this to stop I don’t what to live like that anymore. I will appreciate any advice or just moral support. Thank you.

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avaneesh912
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Re: Too scared to go to an AA meeting

Post by avaneesh912 » Tue Jul 17, 2018 4:05 am

Welcome to the forum. You are in the right place. I take meetings into a corrections facility every sunday. Most inmates there inside the facility fail dope test. Most smoke pot in the facility. Yet they believe they dont have a problem. Very few of the 200 people attend our meeting. I read the whole story of yours, I am not sure about Madrid, there are lot of "keep off the grass" meetings here in USA. The reason why I bring this up because, if you have a MA meeting, It will be beneficial for you. If you can't find one, go but be honest about your situation. When people share the experience they probably will be talking about booze, we recommend that you substitute that with Pot. I see the same obsession, the craving part (smoking more joints once started) and am sure you have lot of anxiety issues when smoking or not. Thats all un-treated isms. Get hold of the dark blue book and dive deep. There are lot of stories there so we can relate. See how the diseases progresses. Bills Story is a copybook story of an alcoholic. See how he reaches the top and then spirals down. See what he does to recover. See if you can relate.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)

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Brock
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Re: Too scared to go to an AA meeting

Post by Brock » Tue Jul 17, 2018 4:35 am

Welcome to e-AA ike.

You are in a bit of a tough spot all right, I can identify with much of what you say, and especially when you mention that you could give it up for a while, but sooner or later give in, that’s where the AA program comes in, we can find the power to give it up for good.

The idea we will be giving up the only good thing in life and everybody is doing the same, is also fairly common, I was dreading the terrible ‘nerd’ life of not drinking and partying. Instead the AA program said I would be happy and it worked out that way, the drinking and drugging is just something some of us do to help handle the disease that is alcoholism, the AA program helps take care of the disease and we no longer feel for or need these substances.

Living in Spain you may not have quite the same facilities as some other countries, but try some of those meetings in Madrid, they vary so you may feel more comfortable in certain ones. People are pretty nice and friendly in AA, and very willing to help each other, keep in mind that the program can remove the craving completely, and that life without booze and drugs is not some boring existence, it’s a far better and enjoyable way to live. Please ask any further questions or make any comments, we enjoy having newcomers like yourself here. I will put up links to some literature you might look at when you have the time.


Is A.A. For You – 12 Questions.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/is-aa-for ... can-answer

A Brief Guide To AA.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-42_abriefguidetoaa.pdf

Three Chapters From The Big Book-

1.The Doctors Opinion.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbo ... pinion.pdf

2.There Is A Solution.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt2.pdf

3.More About Alcoholism.
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt3.pdf

A.A. Meeting Finder.
A.A. Near You.
http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/find-aa-resources
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

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PaigeB
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Re: Too scared to go to an AA meeting

Post by PaigeB » Tue Jul 17, 2018 10:55 am

You said: There are AA group meetings in Madrid, I looked it up. I wanted to go but am too shy and too scared, I couldn’t make myself go there.
I felt like this too. I actually drove past the meeting address a few times and was unable to walk in. I called the hotline. Looks like there are numbers and an email address for Madrid at aa. madrid. com (no spaces). I called and I found someone to walk in with me. I have not had a drink since. Now, that is not everyone's experience, but it is mine and it could be yours too.

I know as a drunk I was always making plans I did not keep to ~ even when I only promised myself & I would drown my self hatred again and again. But my defect of pride actually worked in my favor here because I did not want to stand up the person who took my call !!! Whatever it was - it took Action on my part and I had to put my fear aside for a few moments and let my feet do the walking. It is what I call using my "smart feet". They know where to go if I can set aside (just for a moment) my fears.

AA was literally the last house on the block for me. It was lit up brightly in the Darkness and the people were happy to invite me in... almost too damn happy. :wink:
Step 6 is "AA's way of stating, the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job... with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement." 12&12 Step Six, p.65

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positrac
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Re: Too scared to go to an AA meeting

Post by positrac » Wed Jul 18, 2018 2:25 am

Welcome Ike: Got a question about stepping into any pub right now; and that is are you scared to walk in? If not then what are you scared of an AA meeting? Is it fear you'll see yourself in those rooms? If so I can clearly relate as I relapsed 3 times before I could feel the pressure of admitting I had a problem and or die trying to deny it was my problem.

Ike you have nothing to lose going to a meeting in another town, city or any of your choosing. I was 23 when I came to accept I really have a problem with alcohol and it was hard back then because it was all 40's-50 plus year olds with careers and families and things in life and I had none of those. But I was like them because I have a drinking and stinking thinking problem. And all you have to have is a wee desire to stop.

Seize the day.
Work hard, stay positive, and get up early. It's the best part of the day.
George Allen, Sr.

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Peter.H.
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Re: Too scared to go to an AA meeting

Post by Peter.H. » Fri Jul 20, 2018 4:01 pm

ike wrote:...I am 35 years old, I am living in a foreign country, with a shitty job that barely gets me any money and all the money I get from it I spend on booze and dope. I am scared. I don’t have anybody here. No friends, no family. Completely alone. There are AA group meetings in Madrid, I looked it up. I wanted to go but am too shy and too scared, I couldn’t make myself go there. At this point I am completely lost and have no idea what I am doing with my life, but one thing I know is I really want this to stop I don’t what to live like that anymore. I will appreciate any advice or just moral support. Thank you.
It is always scary going to a meeting full of people who are living a life very different from your own at the time. It is easier to meet others who drink and drug than to meet those that don't (anymore). Ah, there is the difference . . 'they don't anymore', but they used to. Don't worry about AA meetings, they are full of people just like yourself. You won't meet strangers there. In fact, you will be surprised how well you will actually fit in with them.
"...unless this person can experience an entire psyche change there is very little hope of his recovery" - Dr. Silkworth. [Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Ed, p xxix.]

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twenty2324
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Re: Too scared to go to an AA meeting

Post by twenty2324 » Fri Aug 03, 2018 5:03 am

I am scared as well to go to an AA meeting. I am shy and feel so much shame. I feel like you've done a good first step of reaching out here on this board to people who have gone through similar struggles. I am very newly sober. I have gone through your same cycle of saying its the last time drinking... and it never is.

My first step (outside of my own willpower) was to ask my family doctor for a therapist referral. I have been seeing the therapist for about a month. I also started anti-anxiety medicine. The therapist keeps telling me that AA would probably really help me. Because I feel so alone in my struggle. I have some friends and family, but it doesn't help when you can't talk to anyone about this horrible thing you are dealing with. I did tell my dad and best friend so at least it is not so much of a secret. But they don't know what to say.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I can relate to the being scared of an AA meeting. I am trying to use these online forums as a way to feel connected to others while I work through the anxiety I am trying to dull with alcohol. Best of luck.

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twenty2324
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Re: Too scared to go to an AA meeting

Post by twenty2324 » Fri Aug 03, 2018 5:05 am

Paige - Maybe this is what I need. I have been wishing I knew someone who could take me to a meeting.
PaigeB wrote:
You said: There are AA group meetings in Madrid, I looked it up. I wanted to go but am too shy and too scared, I couldn’t make myself go there.

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Brock
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Re: Too scared to go to an AA meeting

Post by Brock » Fri Aug 03, 2018 5:59 am

I have been wishing I knew someone who could take me to a meeting.
Welcome to e-AA twenty2324.

It is very common to be scared of attending AA for the first time, we have ‘talked’ many newcomers here into going. By Googling AA and the name of your area, you will likely find a phone number as a helpline. It still takes a little bravery to call, but keep in mind that AA people like helping each other, and it helps them as well. If you say you are scared to go alone, I expect someone would gladly offer to come and take you. And there is no pressure, if you enjoy it you can go again, in AA we come or go as we please.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."

Frihed89
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Re: Too scared to go to an AA meeting

Post by Frihed89 » Sat Aug 04, 2018 2:56 am

In AA meetings, you hear about yourself from others' stories about their drinking and recovery. There's no shaming, no judging.

And hardly anyone goes to their first AA meeting, thinking "I'm going to love this".

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