A share

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A share

Postby escultore » Wed Jan 24, 2018 6:42 am

Hi all, I’m Andy and I’m an alcoholic.

I’m 20 days sober now. Going to meetings three times a week at the moment. Until now I’ve not shared in the rooms, as I’m shy as hell and don’t enjoy speaking in front of a crowd. I will, but I need to build up to that. So I’m gonna share here for now.

I’m in AA because my Dad is a late-stage alcoholic. He was a big strong mountaineer/action man when I was young, and now sits on his own in a tiny flat with no friends. His houses are gone, and his wives too. He has no teeth left because the acid from the daily vomiting rotted them. He buys sugar in lumps because he can’t hold a spoon steady to make coffee. He can’t figure out why he can’t keep any food down.. His own daughter won’t talk to him and his two sons only do so out of pity. I’ve watched him for 30+ years drink himself into this state, and until recently, didn’t realise I was heading the same way. I’d say to myself “What a waste. What a shame.”, whilst polishing off a litre of whiskey in one evening. I’d feel sadness and disgust at him while buying another litre the very next day. Funny how that works. I’ve been drunk for the best part of 17 years and didn’t think there was a problem. Me and my dad seem to be very physically strong; he only started getting the shakes after 30+ years drinking. I’ve never had them. Never blacked out, never missed work, never got arrested. I’d drink huge amounts until 2am EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and get up at 5am, get to work before anyone else and work twice as hard as them. That’s why my alcoholic mind is convinced it wasn’t a problem. If I’d been breathalysed at any point in the last 17 years, I may have thought twice :oops:

Now I’ve embraced Step 1; admitted that I’m an alcoholic and that my life had become unmanageable. I say embraced. My mind keeps telling me I’m not. I only ever drank in the evening. Alcoholics drink 24/7, right?! I know, I know. If I wasn’t an alcoholic, I wouldn’t be trying to convince myself I’m not!

I’ve opened my mind to the possibility of a HP, and I pray to It. Whatever the heck that HP is, it’s working! I’m committed to it this time. I’ll stick with the meetings, and I have a potential sponsor in mind. I can’t be my Dad. I won’t be him.

Thanks for reading. Just had to get that out I guess!

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Re: A share

Postby Brock » Wed Jan 24, 2018 8:36 am

That’s a great post there Andy, sad in parts but hits home at the problem of alcoholism. What’s happened to your dad and knowing that this disease is so often hereditary, is helping you see what lies ahead.

I myself was sixty before finally accepting AA, I went a few times over the years, but didn’t think those steps necessary. It took getting so bad that on a shelf just above my desk, I can see a clear plastic tube, about half inch wide and one foot long. I keep it there to remember when I had to buy it, because my wife refused to keep holding the glass while I took the first drink each morning, and my hands couldn’t hold it with the shakes, so it was a plastic tube straight in the bottle.

Avoiding that sort of life which was hell on earth, is my wish for all who seek out AA, and who knows, when you recover it’s not impossible that your dad may still have a chance, and you might help him.

Thanks for the post and being here, the thing about online is you can’t see how many may be seeing it, and may be encouraged by it, but even now there are four ‘guests’ reading the forums, and many more will during this day.
"Good morning, this is your Higher Power speaking. I will not be needing your help today."
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Re: A share

Postby avaneesh912 » Wed Jan 24, 2018 8:48 am

I only ever drank in the evening. Alcoholics drink 24/7, right?! I know, I know. If I wasn’t an alcoholic, I wouldn’t be trying to convince myself I’m not!

Yes its true that we loose control after we take a drink or two. The main issue for an alcoholic, is that, he/she will keep going back to the drink. Some are obsessed. Some dont think about it but then, once in a while they go back to it. And then the window keeps shrinking. Eventually they all arrive at a point where they realize that alcohol has been running their life.
Show him, from your own experience, how the peculiar mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power (Alcoholics Anonymous, Page 92)
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Re: A share

Postby Spirit Flower » Wed Jan 24, 2018 12:54 pm

Hi Andy,

I quit drinking because I didn't want to be like my mother the drunk. A doctor informed me I already was a drunk and sent me to AA. That was more than 32 years ago. Still sober and very grateful.
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Re: A share

Postby Angry1541 » Mon Jan 29, 2018 11:36 am

My immediate family drank pretty heavily. My dad never really had a problem with it -- he could cut it off. My mother, brother and myself -- not so much. Once started we didn't stop until all the alcohol was gone or we couldn't stay awake.

I too never drank in the morning. I only drank after work until I passed out -- normally around 1am. Got up for work and made it on time, did a good job at what I do, rinse/repeat. It wasn't I started getting angry -- like blow up and scream and hurt (mentally) my spouse -- that I had that moment of clarity and I assessed myself critically. I know something wasn't right before, but it wasn't until moment....where I asked myself...what am I really getting outta drinking 16 beer a night? I barely got a buzz anymore...and if I did it wasn't really pleasant -- for me or my spouse.

I did the same with cigarettes at the same time (that probably the most wise decision).

One thing I did that was huge (besides meeting and the steps) was get a therapist. I realized that I was drinking and (years before) drugging because things that happened to me as very young child -- some of which I was aware of and could easily remember -- others that only came to as I worked more and more with the therapist. None of which would have been possible without my sobriety.

I stopped going to meeting for the last year or so, but I am going to start going back and posting on here because I can be helpful by being there. Particularly for those who are new -- who come in scared/confused/lost as I was when I stopped drinking and started meeting -- where I felt odd and like an outsider. I can welcome them in -- let them know we were all there at the beginning -- were all scared and ashamed and confused and just lost.

Just for today...

I am going to stay sober.
I am going to a meeting.
I am going smile and laugh.
I am going to refrain from taking my anger out on other people.
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Re: A share

Postby escultore » Mon Jan 29, 2018 11:48 am

Thanks to all of you for your replies! Coming here and just reading through old posts is helping me in a huge way. I’m on day 25 or 26 (losing count already!), and I’m off to a meeting tonight.

Loving sobriety so far with the odd wobble thrown in!
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