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Friends dropping off the map

PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 12:16 pm
by odat12
I'm newly sober and noticing that friends that were always around before are now dropping off the atlas now that I'm in AA - especially the ones who said they loved and supported me and when I confided in them that I was now in AA, they have no cares in the world and really don't talk to me anymore. Anyone else dealing with this? It's of disheartening as I didn't choose recovery to lose friends as you'd think this is the time I'd need the most support. Totally confused and to be honest really angry. Any input here?

Re: Friends dropping off the map

PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 1:14 pm
by avaneesh912
It happens. We make new friends. Old friends may come back but no guarantee. But life goes on. Recovery is the most important thing in life for us today.

Re: Friends dropping off the map

PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 1:33 pm
by JohnDaniels
odat12 wrote:I'm newly sober and noticing that friends that were always around before are now dropping off the atlas now that I'm in AA - especially the ones who said they loved and supported me and when I confided in them that I was now in AA, they have no cares in the world and really don't talk to me anymore. Anyone else dealing with this? It's of disheartening as I didn't choose recovery to lose friends as you'd think this is the time I'd need the most support. Totally confused and to be honest really angry. Any input here?


Hi ODAT12,

It was my experience in early sobriety that those guys I drank with told me they missed me at the bar after work. I told them I stopped drinking and was in AA. Most of them disappeared also. I 12 stepped the ones who stuck with me because they showed an interest in AA, asking questions about alcoholism as if they had a problem too. A year later one of them was my best man at my wedding and the other was an usher at my wedding, both recovering in AA.

The ones who didn't stick with me were "fair weather friends" who wanted me to drink with them. Those guys are all dead today. I made many more friends in AA than I ever had in my drinking daze. There were over 200 AA friends at our wedding.

That has been my experience and I am wishing you find as much happiness in your new friendships in the program as I have.

Peace be with you

Re: Friends dropping off the map

PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 1:48 pm
by Brock
I think some of mine thought I might preach not drinking to them, which of course I wouldn't do, and generally since they didn't want to drink in front of me, and most of our activities included drinking, I wasn’t invited to certain outings and functions I used to go to. One old friend ended up joining AA and doing very well, he said he stayed away from me because he knew he had a problem all along, and being around me kept reminding him that he should do something about it, but he just wasn't ready to accept that at the time. Some others I might have called friends, were really no more than people who went to the same bar.

I don't think we should look on it as this is the time we need the most support, it's true the encouragement of others helps, like we get in meetings, but essentially the program and spiritual awaking leads us to the support we need, much more powerful than human support.

Re: Friends dropping off the map

PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 5:33 pm
by avaneesh912
Scoffers could scoff and be damned. I made a host of fair-weather friends


Thats what they are: Fair Weather friends.

Re: Friends dropping off the map

PostPosted: Wed Oct 18, 2017 6:00 pm
by Blue Moon
Friends come and go. Some have a problem with alcohol. Maybe some don't know "how" to be supportive, and therefore choose to bail instead of fail.

Re: Friends dropping off the map

PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 2:31 am
by positrac
Welcome to the club, yes we all have had to endure these trials because we are now odd-balls for changing our lives for the better! I am a loaner and yet I know a lot of people and so for me those few folks I associate with are ok and they just know I don't drink and I am careful of my surroundings because I fear relapse even after all these years. But I know I am ok and my point is people come and go in our lives as this is what we do. Good souls will fill your life and in AA we still have jackals who hustle, rob, steal, cheat, and use people even though they are sober and know better and it is our job to be wise and not just trust folks because they are sober. I mean you'll see the ones I am referring to and we ALL aren't like this as we've changed.

These are all processes we learn over time and it is a good thing because I know who my real friends are and who are merely acquaintances.

Re: Friends dropping off the map

PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 12:42 pm
by Patsy©
It's of disheartening as I didn't choose recovery to lose friends as you'd think this is the time I'd need the most support. Totally confused and to be honest really angry. Any input here?


In my experience those people I drank with were "Drinking Buddies." When I was new in AA, those old friends of mine couldn't understand why I couldn't go to the bar and drink gingerale. No matter how many times I tried to explain it to them, they would call and keep asking me to go. There is a major difference between drinking buddies and genuine friends.

I remember sharing with my then Sponsor that they just didn't get it. And she replied to me...
"Patsy, they don't have to get it, YOU DO!"

If you want to have real Friends and real Friendships, please get to as many AA meetings as you can, get the phone numbers of AA members and call them, go out on AA Group commitments, accept invites from AA Group members to go out and before long you will find that you have many genuine friends who truly care about you and want to see you stay sober and grow....one day at a time in this wonderful program.

Re: Friends dropping off the map

PostPosted: Fri Oct 20, 2017 2:57 am
by desypete
i lost all of my friends through my drinking, over time, as anyone who cared or loved me just couldn't put up with me anymore
i was never a social type of drinker or had drinking mates who i would drink with all the time, as i ruined it because i would get drunk and people knew it so stayed well clear of me
its one of the reasons i ended up drinking at home alone as i couldn't do the damage if i drank at home, i couldn't get arrested or wake up in police cells or my name going into the local paper anymore or have to face that guilt shame or remorse the next day waking up in black out trying to remember what i had done

until of course i ended up getting into trouble at home, fighting with the neighbours for playing my sad songs over and over again in the early hours of the morning drunk as a skunk. would bring the cops around
fighting with my ex wife would bring the cops around
the fear my poor kids went through as they knew better than me what drink does to there daddy

so it little wonder that after years of this which wasnt always the case sometimes i had good times but the bad is always what i focus on, that shame killed me but no matter how much trouble i ever got into, still i would have another try at some controlled drinking

like i said i lost my friends through my drinking, i lost my family to, the list of things i lost is huge

Re: Friends dropping off the map

PostPosted: Wed Oct 25, 2017 9:16 am
by Roberth
Hello ODAT, My name is Robert and I am a Los Angeles area alcoholic. I thought that as well but what I realized is that it was as much me as them. As I moved through my life friends have come and gone in every stage of my life. That happens in sobriety as well, some go out, some move away and some passed way. I am still friends with some of the guys that I used to run and gun with from my teen years. When I told them that I stopped drinking they all said “GOOD.” Unlike me they aren’t alcoholic and grew up.